Chapter Nine - Tell me a piece of your history that you've never said out loud
Lily was very much excited to go patrolling this evening. She and James have become something similar to friends during the past few months and she appreciated him a lot. Maybe the fact that she had a slight crush on him also played a role in her wish to finally see him again. Which was rather ridiculous, as Lily had seen him at a meeting with the Prefects just an hour earlier.
Now, Lily and Marlene were sitting in the Common Room with Sirius and Peter. Neither of them knew what the other two Marauders were up to, but no one bothered with it.
Except for Lily. Lily was constantly fiddling with the hemline of her school skirt, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. Hell knew to what shenanigans James was up to right now!
But it wasn't long until he and Remus climbed through the portrait hole, a winning smile on both their faces.
"You have no idea what we just did!" James beamed at them, "And we won't tell you, 'cause you'll see it soon enough! So, Miss Evans, are we ready to go patrolling?"
"Hold on!" Peter complained, "You have to tell us what you did first. You can't just leave us in the dark. You can't just not include us and then don't tell us!"
"Oh, alright then!" The Potter boy slumped down on the sofa next to Lily, flinging his feet up on the sofa table in front of them, "You don't have to throw me that look, my sweet Evans, I haven't done anything bad!"
"As if." The redhead rolled her eyes, but a slight grin tugged on her lips.
"No, honestly!" James laughed and gave her a quick peck on the temple, "Wormy and me set up a birthday surprise for McGonagall. No, don't give me that look again, Evans! It's a nice surprise. We like her. She's an amazing teacher. And we know the kind of sweets she likes, so we baked a pie and filled up a whole bowl of self-made sweets she likes best."
"You really did that?" Lily asked in amazement, her green eyes full of awe.
"Of course we did! We didn't tell the other two because we four had already planned something."
"But you'll get to see that in the morning, Lily-Pad", grinned Sirius.
"I'm very much excited to see it!" She got up from the sofa and held her hand out to James, "Care to come patrolling with me, Mr Potter?"
"Of course, Miss Evans. I am very much delighted to follow you wherever you go" James smirked and took Lily's hand, getting up from the sofa.
"Don't wait up for us" the Potter boy called over his shoulder towards his friends, winking.
Lily rolled her eyes once again. He was unbelievable! Just so sure of himself, so full of himself. But why did she have to smirk? Why was she actually drawn towards James whenever he was so cocky? It annoyed Lily a great deal. No, she did not want to be drawn towards him. And yet, being intrigued by James Potter made her head feel like it was floating, made her stomach swoop and feel so warm, so much like home.
She liked fancying James Potter as much as she hated it.
"So, Evans, you have been unusually quiet today. Did something happen? Nothing bad, I hope?"
He smiled softly at her, squeezing the hand he had been holding for the last half an hour.
The redhead sighed heavily and lightly shook her head. "No, don't worry, it's alright. Let's not talk about that, okay?"
"Okay, I respect it." He slightly nudged her shoulder. "I'm just concerned for your well-being. You seem... troubled. But I promise I won't talk of it again." He smiled and ducked his head. Did he even blush? How could she refuse him an answer? But how could she tell him she fancied him, maybe even more? But there was the maybe.
And James Potter did not deserve a maybe. He deserved a definite answer.
"Okay, tell you what, Potter." Lily stopped and turned around to face him, withdrawing her hand from his.
The hurt look on his face didn't go unnoticed.
"You can ask me anything you want tonight and I will answer honestly as long as you don't ask me out or ask about what is bothering me tonight. Deal?"
"Deal." He nodded lightly and sat down a few steps further under a large window, patting on the spot next to him.
Smiling, Lily sat down next to him, maybe a bit closer than necessary.
"Okay, go on. Ask away."
"There is only one thing I ask of you: tell me a piece of your history that you've never said out loud."
"Oh..." Lily nodded softly and leaned her head against his shoulder. Reluctantly at first, but she found out seconds later that a bit of physical contact with James gave her just the right amount of trust the needed to tell him what she had only told Marlene.
"You see, I have a sister... she is a bit older than me and we used to be best friends when we where children."
James nodded understandingly and hesitantly but his arm around her shoulder without disturbing her position. And Lily was very grateful for his presence.
She sighed lightly and leaned a little into his touch. "When I was nine years old, I met Severus on a playground my house. He told me I was special, that I was a witch, that I had magic. My sister, Petunia, she was with me when I first met Sev."
"I think I can sense where this is going..." James murmured, "But I might be wrong. Go on, please."
"I think you're sensing right. My sister didn't like that I was a witch, that I was special and different. She started calling me a freak, turned her back on me and..." Lily swallowed as her voice broke.
"It's alright, I understand. Take your time. You don't even have to tell me anymore, if it makes you feel uncomfortable."
"No, I want to tell you. I need you. You deserve this." Lily took a deep breath before she continued. It was just so hard for her, because the memories from her childhood still hurt her a lot. She just feels that James has to know why she became friends with Severus in the first place.
"Petunia wrote letters to Dumbledore, begging him to take her to Hogwarts, too. She wanted this so badly... Tuny hated me from the moment on that she knew I was a witch. So I got out. I didn't have her to play with anymore but I had Sev. He is a half-blood, you know? He knew magic and he knew the Muggleworld. He taught me some easy spells, told me about Gringotts and Hogwarts, about the houses and everything else. He was there for me when I desperately needed someone. He was my rock, my best friend. But losing my sister... no one can ever replace her. No matter how good a friend."
"I get that. I don't have any siblings but I have Sirius."
"He's a brother to you", she chuckled, glad for a little distraction.
"Oh yes. And it would be horrible if he condemned me for who I am and completely block any contact."
"Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Not accepting someone for being who they are. That's how Voldemort started."
"You're saying the name."
"I'm saying the name. Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself."
"I like you, Lily Evans."
Lily giggled. "I like you too, James Potter."
"Yeah, I'm awesome, you're quite right to like me."
"Potter!" She punched his arm lightly.
"Sorry!" He laughed and cuddled her. "What happened when you got to Hogwarts and Petunia didn't? Did it get worse?"
"Yes. At first, while I was still at home, there were just snarky comments. Little stabs here and there. When I asked her to pass me something, she'd respond with why I just wouldn't magically take it myself. I was nine years old! I was afraid of what was happening and I just needed my big sister to be there for me. To help me through it. I looked up to her! When I got to Hogwarts, I wrote her a letter. Told her I'm sorry and that I'd wish I could change it, I wish I could swap my place with hers..." Lily's voice broke again and she fought hard not to let tears stream down her cheeks.
"I am so sorry, Lily" James whispered, "And she still doesn't speak to you? Don't your parents do anything about it?"
She shook her head, red curls swinging around her face.
"My parents were so proud of me. Tuny always said they favoured me. Tuny also said I'm responsible for my father's death. Which is... it's ridiculous, you know? He died of cancer. Tuny says he only got it in the first place because I caused so much trouble."
"She did not say that. Lily, tell me she didn't say it."
"She said it and she meant it. Trust me. She meant every word she said."
"I'm so sorry..." James sighed and pressed a soft kiss on her temple, interlacing his finger with hers.
"My father died shortly before I ended my friendship with Sev."
"You were only 15 back then... Lost your father, your best friend and then there was me, always bothering you, always asking you out, always annoying you. I didn't really help your situation in any way. I am so sorry... If I had only known..."
"You were a pain in the ass. But you were such a welcome distraction. I always complained about you, my mind was filled with ways I could bust you, with ways I could get back to you. So many times I have bothered Marlene so so many times. Ranted about you. And in those moments, I didn't think about how much my sister hated me, that my father had just died or that I had just lost my friend. You were a negative but welcome distraction."
"In that case, I'm happy to be a pain in the ass sometimes."
"Sometimes? All the time!" Lily giggled and lightly squeezed his hand.
"You can be so mean sometimes" he pouted, "How's your mum dealing with her daughters hating each other and her husband being deceased?"
"She's... she is... my mum is not with us anymore."
"Oh Lily..." James sighed and hugged her.
"She died shortly before we became friends. Car crash. A drunk driver, same story every time. Every time. A teenage girl, not much older than I am, stole her parents' car and drove to a party with her friends. My mum was on her way back from my sister's when the car with the teenagers hit hers. None of them was harmed. Some days, I'm glad about that. Some days, I wish they would've all died. Some days, I wish their families would have felt the same pain I feel... Am I a..."
"No need to even ask that question, Lils. You are not a bad person for thinking that way. You're a very good, very kind and gentle, with a good heart. My parents both died of old age and sometimes, in weak moments, I'm even jealous of Sirius. He has a mother. I don't. His mother is a monster, I know. I know all of it. But sometimes..."
"I had no idea your parents are dead, too... Sorry for your loss. Of old age you say?"
"My parents were in their late 50s when I was born. It was a wonder and I was spoilt so much. They loved me with all their heart. My father died shortly after Christmas last year. My mother half a year later. I would say that I know your pain, but I don't. With both my parents I knew they would die. They were old and sick. But you didn't, did you? It must hurt so much more..."
"I don't think this is a contest. I don't think there is a scale of how much it hurts to lose your parents at a young age."
James smiled at her. "Maybe we should get up and end our round. And after that, I'll tell you something about myself that I haven't told anyone. That is, if you want to..."
"I can hardly believe that there's something you haven't told your Marauders."
"Well, I already told you something they don't know! That I'm sometimes jealous of Padfoot."
Lily smiled shyly. "That's very sweet of you. Off we go then?"
"Off we go."
They spend the next two and a half hours in comfortable silence. At some point, their hands had accidentally touched each other and Lily, without thinking any further, had taken James' hand in hers.
He didn't comment on it, no snarky reply or any mention of how awesome he was. Thankfully. That would've just ruined the moment.
"Hey Evans? Where do you want to go to talk?"
"Hm... I guess the most sensible option would be your Room of Requirements. But I don't fancy going there. Astronomy tower? Would that be alright for you?"
"Perfect. May I ask why you chose that location?"
"Because it's night and I love watching the stars."
James chuckled. "You know, right now I have a very good joke in mind I can't make because I'm not Padfoot."
Lily grinned and lightly squeezed his hand. "I know exactly which joke you mean."
Falling into a comfortable silence again, Lily and James made their way up the Astronomy tower.
Since it was Mid-December, snow had already fallen, covering the grounds of Hogwarts.
James, the gentleman he was, took of his robe to hand it to Lily. With a small smile, she took it and slipped it over her own robes.
The redhead followed James to the edge, sitting down and swinging her legs over it. At first, she was a bit hesitant, a bit afraid. Not of the height or of falling down, but of being alone with James in such a rather romantic setting. With the snow glistening beneath them and the stars shining upon them.
Lily let her hand rest on top of James', smiling into the distance.
"I want to get a tattoo, you know. Haven't told the others yet. I want to get it before the end of school, best even before Christmas, but I don't think that's very realistic. I wouldn't even know where to get one in Hogsmeade."
"What kind of tattoo do you want?"
"A magic tattoo. I want a tattoo around my ankle, with a rat, a stag, a dog and a werewolf. And then they would run around my ankle and play with each other. I want to have my friends always with me, wherever I am. They are my family. They are all I have left. And then there's you."
"What about me?"
"I'd love to have you with me, too."
Lily smiled sadly and brushed a strand of red hair out of her face, withdrawing her hand from James'.
"That's all the answer I need."
"I'm sorry, James... I just don't ... I'm so sorry... maybe it's best when I go now."
"You don't have to. I understand. It's no problem." He threw her a small smile, lightly squeezing her leg, "I can handle it. I've been living with it for some while now, you know. It's no big deal, Lils. The rest is a bit fed up with me by now, though. Remus keeps telling me to get over you, Sirius keeps telling me to fight for you, Peter keeps telling me that I'll find my perfect girl soon enough."
"James..."
"Sorry, you probably don't want to hear this. No problem, I shut up about it. Sorry for making you feel uncomfortable."
"No worries. What do you think? Wanna sneak into the kitchen, get some hot chocolate and warm up in front of the fire in the common room?"
"Sounds like a plan." He smiled a small smile, helping her get up from the edge of the tower.
Lily felt so bad all the way to the kitchen and then back to the Gryffindor common room. Why did she not say something? Why didn't she tell him that she fancied him?
Because she felt threatened. She knew it was true. She was afraid. What if she had actually told him? What if she would actually get into a relationship with him? Maybe it was like it was with children: they wished for a toy so much but once they got it, it lay forgotten on the floor. Maybe he realised that she wasn't worth the wait. Maybe, if she would ever become James Potter's girlfriend, other girls wouldn't be too happy about it. She knew what jealous and love-sick girls were capable of and she didn't want to be their aim for hate.
Why was she even in Gryffindor if she was such a coward? It was ridiculous. She was ridiculous.
"James?"
Lily was curled up in the armchair by the fire, while James was sitting on the sofa. The past half an hour had gone by without either of them saying a word to each other. Still, neither of them had wanted to leave and go to bed. At least Lily hadn't wanted to leave James. She felt responsible and she wanted to be with him because thinking about Petunia and her parents had made her incredibly sad and left her feeling small.
"Yes?"
"Can I sit next to you?"
"Of course you can."
Lily smiled thankfully at him and, taking her blanket with her, curled up next to James, her head on his lap.
"Is this alright or does it make you feel uncomfortable?"
"This is alright. Don't worry about me."
"But I do. You're... you're my friend, James. And I want you to be alright with our friendship."
"Being your friend is more than I ever could've hoped for, so I'm pretty damn alright with it. Let's just change the topic, okay?"
"Okay." Lily nodded slightly and fell back into silence.
She felt James sigh and then open up her bun.
"I like this one today. I generally like your bun-Friday. I love buns. And hair bows. Messy buns with hair bows are the best, to be honest." She could practically hear him grin and it made her stomach swoop.
James began to detangle the small braids on the top of her head before he started massaging her scalp. Sighing happily, Lily closed her eyes.
"You know, James, after I ended my friendship with Sev, I wrote a letter to my sister. Saying that I'm not friends with him anymore. She never liked him. I think she thought he stole me away from her. That was never the case. I was so naive. I thought, now that I don't hang out with Severus anymore, maybe my sister will love me again. You know what she did? She wrote back and I was so happy. I was so goddamn happy. Then I opened the letter and the only thing it said was: I don't care, freak."
"Oh Lily... You're sister is a jerk and you deserve so much better. You deserve a sister who loves you as much as you love her."
"I kind of feel this way towards Remus. He has always been a good friend, ever since our first year. And Marlene is there, too. But none of them is my actual sibling. They are not as close as you and Sirius."
"We are close, yes. And he is a brother for me. But he has a brother himself. So I don't know how Padfoot thinks about this. Maybe the same way you do. And that hurts. A lot. I want to be as important for him as he is for me. I just don't know if I am."
"I've talked to him a few times now and he loves you so much. Trust me, you don't have to worry about anything like it. I think you are the most important person in his life. More important than he is for himself and that has to say something."
James chuckled lightly. "Maybe you're right. I hope you are. Yeah, you probably are, 'cause you're really smart."
Lily giggled. "Yeah, I'm really smart."
"So... what are your plans for Christmas then?"
"I don't know yet... It's my first Christmas without any family and I have no idea. Maybe I ask Marlene if I can come home with her..."
"Stay here. With me. With Moony and Padfoot and Wormy. With us. For us. Would that be something?"
"I think it would. I would love to spend my Christmas with you, James."
Tilting her head, Lily looked up to him, smiling warmly. "I would honestly love to stay and celebrate Christmas with you and those crazy and lovely friends of yours. But I'm not getting you a present, Potter!"
The black haired boy laughed. "Don't worry! I'm not getting you one either, Evans!"
But of course she would. And he knew it, she was sure of it. Lily actually had the perfect present in mind and couldn't wait to see his face on Christmas morning. She had actually bought it a couple of days ago because she felt like she wanted to give James a Christmas present. She had gotten one from him every year. Small things, like especially pretty quills, her favourite chocolate or a very fluffy blanket. Thoughtful gifts, which she – as she reluctantly admitted – had always liked a lot. Now it was her turn to return the favour and make his Christmas a very special one.