(See the first chapter for disclaimer, notes, spoilers, etc.)

Chapter 9: "Baptism"

"Mom?"

"Yes, darling?"

There's a pause, the quiet hum of the BMW's air conditioning replacing my son's voice before he asks, "Are you nervous?"

I flinch, my hands tightening around the paper cup of coffee. Slowly, I look over, watching his profile. He's a good driver, keeping his hands at 10 and 2 and his eyes on the road. That's something a mother can be proud of, knowing her teenage son isn't succumbing to the pitfalls of fast and furious driving. I suppose there's an irony in the fact that my son now safely drives the same car I tortured with fender-benders and DUIs. "Nervous?" I ask softly, turning back to gaze out the windshield. "Terrified is more like it."

"It'll be ok," he says as we pull into the small parking lot beside St. Philip's. He parks, turns the car off, and turns to me, flashing me a reassuring grin. "I won't leave your side."

His promise makes me smile. Sean will always be the little boy who would try and cheer me up after overhearing his father and I fight. I set the coffee in the cup holder and take his hand, squeezing it. "Thank you, darling. But, I think you have more important things to worry about than your scared mother."

"I'm yours until show time," he says, getting out of the car. He comes around and opens my door, helping me out.

"Godfather," I say, cupping his cheek affectionately. With a bashful smile, he extends me the crook of his arm and we head for the church. The dry southern California wind blows around us and I smell roses, remembering the delicate bushes that surround the statue of the Virgin Mary in the courtyard. Everything was so different from London, from the colors and scents to the way I felt. I felt complete again, something I haven't felt since February. February, when the baby died. February, when Gregory blamed me. How quickly the rabbit holes can appear, allowing memories and regrets to swallow me whole. I wonder if they always would, or if it was just because I was seconds away from coming face-to-face with Gregory again? I jut my chin, willing myself to go on, despite the nerves fluttering in my stomach.

"You know, I'm glad Cait changed her mind about having Annie as Trey's godmother."

I grimace and look away, secretly grateful for the same thing. Annie as the godmother would've made this day even more unbearable. Imagine, watching that little tart promise to be a positive moral influence on my innocent grandson? I clear my throat and muse, "I'm sure Cole is happy to have Paula included."

"I bet," he says, pushing open the heavy wooden door. "She's a better choice too."

I nod, glancing around as we step into the church. The vestibule is cool and quiet, unchanged in its simplicity. I grip my son's arm tighter as we walk past the flickering candles, lit by the faithful as living testimony to their prayers. I hear Trey fussing and my stomach turns, knowing the moment was here. I've been in California for two days and haven't seen him. I claimed jet lag the first day and was secretly relieved yesterday when Caitlin said that Cole took Trey to San Diego to pick up Elaine and Paula. But now...

I shiver as we walk in, sunlight streaming in through the stained glass windows. Years ago, I stood in this very spot on my father's arm, waiting to cross the threshold to my future. I frown, thinking of my naiveté on that day. How hopeful I was, how eager. If it wasn't for the weight of my wedding gown, I would've run down the aisle to Gregory. Would I have been so eager to run to him if I had known what would happen to us later on? That his love would turn like melting snow in the winter sun? That he could look at me with such contempt as he bellowed that I killed our child? That I would take his hatred to heart, bearing it so close that I would try to end my life twice? That I would become someone I learned to hate too?

"Are you ready?" my son whispers.

I nod blandly as I realize I'm still safe. Everyone else is milling around the church and hasn't noticed our arrival. Except... Slowly, I look up as a current pulses through me. Gregory's standing by the baptismal font with Annie and the priest, but his attention is riveted to me. I'm frozen, gazing back at him as I distantly hear Sean say something about his sister. A moment later, he steps away and I'm left alone to withstand the force of Gregory's tidal wave of a look. His face hasn't moved, his expression unreadable. At least when Gregory was screaming at me, I knew where things stood between us. I'd prefer him red-faced and furious than...this.

Tentatively, I take a step into the church, my presence still oblivious to everyone but him. His eyes haven't left me, but mine haven't left him either. I sharpen my gaze, watching him carefully. Several moments later, I come to a startling revelation: Gregory looks awful. He's aged in the two months since I saw him last. There's thicker grey at his temples and new lines on his face that suggest exhaustion. I frown, gripping the pew as a self-conscious thought goes through my mind: how must I look to him?

I don't get to wonder for long.

"Mom!" Caitlin exclaims, coming up the aisle to me. Instantly, my eyes fall to the bundle in her arms and I gasp, my hand coming to my mouth. Trey's wearing the same christening gown that Caitlin and Sean wore, the one my mother made. The simple linen gown is edged in delicate English lace and a silk ribbon ties the matching cap to his head. The chubby baby gazes up at me as I hear Caitlin say, "He's wearing Nana's gown."

I nod, inhaling sharply. With a mind of its own, my hand reaches out and instantly, the baby latches onto my finger. A strange fog settles around me and I find myself nodding when Caitlin asks if I want to hold him. Cole stands behind her, a sad smile on his face as he watches the baby pass from her arms and into mine. I look away from him, not willing to fall down that rabbit hole, and turn my gaze to my grandson. Trey settles easily against my chest, fascinated as he gazes up at me. He's the mirror image of Caitlin and I force myself to breathe as a tremble goes through me. I want so badly not to think of other babies that should have been, of the way my arms have ached for months. But, I can't help it and I succumb to the pain as I look up, once again locking eyes with Gregory.

Olivia looks terrified as Caitlin passes her the baby. I stand there, riveted as she holds the baby against her. A moment later, she slowly looks up and meets my gaze. I frown, unable to look away as she gasps and, despite the space between us, I see her chin quiver. My chest tightens, a painful void consuming it as she finally turns away, looking back down at the baby. A moment later, I feel Annie's arm around my waist, turning me away. But, it makes no difference. The memory of Olivia holding our grandson is seared into my memory and I can think of nothing else but it. Nothing else but that and how it should have been our son she held.

"Come on," Annie says, leading me around the side of the church.

I glance over, watching as Caitlin and Cole take Olivia up the center aisle. For an absurd moment, I wonder if they planned this, keeping Olivia and I on separate paths, orbiting each other like opposing constellations. Annie's hand slips beneath my suit coat as we stand near the back of the church, watching them at the front. It was no matter. Olivia and I are on converging bullet trains. Sooner or later, we are going to collide. I felt it from the moment she arrived. The hairs on the back of my neck stood when she entered the church, a crackle of electricity hissing in the air. No one else saw her and, for the briefest of moments, it was just her and I. Almost like we were alone. It's funny, the first time we see each other after two months is surrounded by our family, yet we couldn't have been more isolated.

The last time Olivia and I were in this church, it was Caitlin's wedding day. I lower my eyes, remembering how I pursued her that day, so desperate to have her back in my life. How her eyes filled with tears when I gave her the same bouquet she carried on our wedding day. How she trembled when I touched her chin and kissed her softly. How I could feel our son kicking within her when I held her against me, whispering that I adored her.

How could something so long ago feel like yesterday?

"God, let's get this show on the road already," I hear Annie groan and I look up. Olivia and the children are now standing at the baptismal font and Trey's coo bridges the distance between us and them. I flinch when they all laugh, still able to pick out Olivia's from the rest. It sounds strained and I watch her closely. She's lost weight since I last saw her in Italy. There's a pale hollowness to her face and it takes me a second to realize that she looks the way she did a year ago, before Del died and she drank more than she ate. I watch as she gently passes the baby to Cole, a forced smile on her face. She nervously brushes her hair back and that's when I notice it. The diamond on her left hand catches a beam of sunlight, sparkling merrily. My mouth runs dry, remembering the way her hand trembled when I slipped the engagement ring on her finger.

"Finally," I hear Annie mutter as Paula and Elaine enter the church, followed by Bette. But, I'm still riveted to the ring on Olivia's hand, even as she reaches out to embrace her two closest friends. Suddenly, I'm furious. How dare she still wear my ring? After everything? She killed our son. She left me standing like a fool on the street in Naples. She ruined our family. She destroyed my life.

"Who's that?"

"What?" I growl, turning to Annie. She gestures to the entrance of the church, where a stranger is standing in the doorway. "I have no clue," I answer as I see Caitlin come up the aisle towards him. The stranger nods, extending a pale blue envelope to her.

"Thank you so much for coming," I hear my daughter gush as she smiles brightly. "Especially on such short notice."

I step closer, curious, as the stranger responds, "Not at all. I was happy to receive the invitation." The stranger has a British accent and I instinctively glance over at Olivia. But, her back is to the entrance as she talks with Bette and Elaine. She's oblivious to this man's arrival.

"It's just that," I hear Caitlin say and I look back over, "I know how hard all this is on my mother. She said you've been a good friend to her and, well, Sean and I thought she'd like you to be here."

If I was furious before, now I'm seething. I brush Annie aside as I walk over to my daughter, forcing a tight-lipped smile to my face. "Caity, who is your guest?" They look over at me, Caitlin's eyes pleading as the stranger's move over my face, slightly amused. As she opens her mouth to reply, I hear Olivia ask, "Colin?"

We all turn, watching as Olivia slowly comes up the aisle to us. Despite the confusion on her face, I see the way her eyes dart between me and this...Colin. Colin. A whisper of recognition dances from the back of my mind as Caitlin clears her throat and says, "Daddy, this is my guest, Lord Lavenham."

"Colin Sutherland," he says, introducing himself as he holds out his hand to me.

I chuckle, glancing at his outstretched hand. This is too good. I turn to Olivia, who squares her shoulders, as if she's preparing for the onslaught. Ignoring the way my daughter shakes her head, struggling to catch my gaze, I say to my ex-wife, "Your divorce attorney? How cliché."

My eyes narrow, though I'm not surprised. After all that's happened between us and the months apart, I knew to expect this. I knew the first time Gregory spoke to me, it would be hate-laced verbal acid. But, Colin...I never expected him. His appearance at my grandson's baptism has left me speechless and, somehow, it takes the sting off Gregory's words.

"Daddy!" our daughter hisses, frowning as she steps between her father and I. "Please!"

Gregory's eyes meet mine and they're dark with fury. I glare, folding my arms tight against my chest as Father Antonio mercifully appears. "Caitlin," he asks, clasping his hands as he smiles, "are we ready to begin the service?"

"Yes," she says quickly, glaring at her father as she follows the priest to the front of the church.

I watch her pass and then turn back to Gregory, who smugly puts his arm around Annie's shoulders. She smirks and leans into him as she places her left hand over his heart. An ostentatious diamond winks back at me and I grimace as she says, "So nice to have you back in town, Olivia. Will you be staying long?"

"Long enough," I snap. Down at the front of the church, Caitlin clears her throat loudly and Gregory is the first to look away. As he leads Annie past us, I say cruelly, "A young trophy wife? How cliché."

I flinch and turn back, glaring. Olivia, on the other hand, smirks triumphantly as she lets Colin lead her over to the baptismal font. She doesn't look back and a moment later, she's standing between Colin and Sean. Next to me, Annie huffs and turns to me accusingly. "Ugh! Who does she think she is?"

I ignore the question, letting her petulantly mutter under her breath. Instead, I watch, oddly fascinated, as Colin puts his palm against the small of Olivia's back and leans in, whispering something in her ear. She looks up, her sapphire eyes wide, as a small smile graces her face. I hear him chuckle, a deep and rich sound that echoes in the church's acoustics. A void opens in my chest, wrenching me through. I blink, Annie's complaints fading away.

My flesh tingles as a stinging thought enters my mind: Olivia's sleeping with him. They're whispering together and she reaches up, her hand touching his arm. An indescribable fury consumes me, black and ugly. This isn't what I expected. I expected her broken, wallowing in her guilt and shame. But, not this. Not...Colin, angry retorts, and my goddamn ring still on her finger. My jaw cracks as I clench it, glaring at her back. "Let's get this over with," I growl, dragging my wife over to the font.

We stand on the other side of the font, next to Caitlin and Cole. I never thought I'd see the day when I preferred the jewel thief's company. I listen vaguely as the priest speaks of innocence and cleansing water, watching as Trey's feet kick beneath the linen gown. The baby's eyes slowly move over all of us and I think, not for the first time, how like Caitlin he looks. She was a rose with downy white-blond hair and the deepest blue eyes. Like her mother. I frown, remembering how I hoped that our children would look like Olivia. Twenty years ago, it was the only thing I wanted. That wish came true. But now, watching our grandson after everything, his resemblance to her is the cruelest reminder of how much things have changed. How they will never be the same again.

Slowly, my eyes turn up as Annie threads her arm through mine. Olivia is standing across from me, separated by the font. She's studiously avoiding me, her gaze focused on the baby in our daughter's arms. My hands tremble and I don't know if it's because I want to wring her neck or simply rip the diamond off her hand. I clench my fists as the priest reads aloud, "I will sprinkle clean water upon you to cleanse you from all your impurities."

And, I look over, glaring at my ex-wife.

I stand quietly in a shaft of golden light, listening to the reading. Gregory's glare throbs between us before he looks away. Impurities. Sins. It all means the same thing. There isn't enough holy water to cleanse me. Mothers who kill their children, who abandon their other children, who try to kill themselves. Forgiveness is a grace I can barely afford myself, let alone expect from God. Or Gregory.

But, how desperately I want it all the same.

Next to me, Colin shifts and glances over, smiling kindly. I didn't realize how grateful I would be for his presence. Caitlin and Sean know their father better than I thought. They knew what to expect of him. As wonderful as my children and my friends are, it is a small comfort to know that someone else can look at me and not see the blood staining my hands. Self-consciously, I rub my palms together as a chill goes through me. I feel Gregory's glare burning into me and I'm suddenly tired of fighting it. Imagine that. Not even thirty minutes have elapsed and I'm already sick of fighting. Throughout our marriage, our fights were infamous. They could go on for days and were filled with the worst kind of vitriol. I'm ashamed to think of what that did to our children, who were often the innocent bystanders to it all.

But now, I don't have the stomach for fighting with him. My little comment about his trophy wife is all I can muster. I just can't do it anymore. Maybe, deep down, I never could. We would be a psychiatrist's dream, two people who used gut-wrenching arguments to act out some kind of perverse foreplay. Even at our worst, you could never deny the passion between us. I flinch, remembering the way we could be screaming at each other one moment and then ripping our clothes off each other the next.

Colin's hand touches my own and he asks softly, "Are you alright?"

I nod, even as I force a smile to my face. Across from us, Annie's hanging all over Gregory as the priest's words echo throughout the church. Suddenly, I realize that I don't know what disappoints me more: the fact that I still hoped for Gregory's forgiveness or that I now know I'll never get it.

For if he couldn't forgive me when I was his wife, what made me think he could forgive me now?

A/N: The Bible reading is Ezekiel 36:25. Also, to the reviewer who asked, despite their similar sounding names, Cole and Colin are not related. (Good question though!) I'll be taking off to join my family for Christmas, so there won't be any more updates until next month. Until then...Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year!