Ashley found herself chewing her bottom lip.
She was sitting on one of the small beds of the infirmary, her legs over the edge and her hands clamped down onto it tightly enough for it to hurt, her back rigid. Her uniform felt too tight, making her feel as if there was a tight belt around her chest, forcing her to breathe in small gasps.
Don't die.
In the bed next to her Shepard lay, pale as a ghost, the many straps buckled across his frame and to the bed creaking in protest as his body strained against them, the soldier trying to toss back and forth in his unconsciousness. The only part of him free to move was his head, doctor Chakwas unwilling to risk him snapping his neck struggling against any straps there, and it tossed to the left and right incessantly, his eyes screwed shut, forehead wrinkled in an angry frown and teeth bared in a snarl.
Don't die damn it! Ashley mimicked Shepard's snarl, glaring at him even as she felt the self-loathing again and again pound against her heart.
Her gaze darted up, finding the doctor's back turned to them, her grey head bowed as she stood in a muttered conversation with captain Anderson.
Captain Anderson...Ashley's gaze flicked to the dark-skinned man, the man was still a powerful figure in his full dress uniform, even though he was showing the first hints of ageing. Given all that had happened Ashley couldn't even be surprised to find a second legend upon the Normandy, in fact it almost felt natural to think the great captain as the legendary Shepard's mentor.
Currently it wasn't shit though.
Why aren't you getting over here! Her glare moved back to Chakwas, willing her to move back to the tossing Shepard...yet the doctor still ignored her, making the bed under Ashley creak as her hands closed around the edge all the harder.
He had gotten medication, tranquillizers...it hadn't helped, or at least not to Ashley's eyes, eyes now moving back to stare at the man's face. A face shining with sweat that was moving in rivulets down the sharp edges of his features, making the pillow under him sodden and sending droplets flying as his head shot left and right.
God...what's happening to you! Ashley swallowed, shuddering.
She had only been in the strange hold of the beacon for...Kaidan had claimed three seconds...though it had felt like longer. Much longer...
But Shepard...he had hung there for a full two minutes, tense as a bow string, shaking with the strain...and then been tossed away like a broken doll when the beacon had exploded. Or so Kaidan had claimed since Ashley had still been unconscious.
Two minutes... Ashley tried to imagine it, tried to imagine something so much longer then her own horrifying experience...and found herself wanting.
Before her Shepard's head tossed to the left, his entire body trying to follow, a creak of protesting metal greeting the stopped movement as one of the buckles began to give. His neck bulged, a small growl escaping through clenched teeth, making him look like a frenzied animal.
God...what are you seeing?
Blood.
Screams.
Terror.
Destruction, fear.
Hatred, hopelessness.
Destruction, fear, hatred, hopelessness, blood, screams, terror, terror, screams, blood, blood, terror-
No!
Ashley shook her head, once, hard. Breathing out in a violent snort she shuddered, then gasped for breath as she looked down at her dangling feet, shoulders bunching up in tension. It's not real, it wasn't real, only a vision, short, nothing...mindless...nothing important...nothing...
Before her Shepard growled, his right hand closing into a fist, arm tensing, nearly snapping a struggling strap. You poor bastard...Ashley grimaced...I'm so sorry.
The guilt gnawed at her, into her, refusing to leave her alone, making her feel...empty. Her hero, the idol of every marine in the Alliance...and an hour with Ashley had put him at the gate of Saint Peter for all she knew...
I can't believe I was so stupid! She refused to look at Shepard as the man once again growled, the straps around him creaking with the inhuman force struggling against them.
The Williams' will never recover from this...I've dishonoured the name even further... Ashley shook at the realisation, the taste of ash in her mouth. Worse, I've gotten a man killed soon...a hero...not to mention destroyed his objective and any chances of him becoming a Spectre...the first human Spectre to boot...
All because I was an idiot!
She took a deep breath, then forced herself to once more look at Shepard, to see what she'd done with her carelessness. He was panting by now, but still struggling against his binds, pale face shining wit the sheen of sweat covering it. Please don't die...
"Un..." She jumped at the sound, realising it escaped Shepard, watching as every muscle in his body went rigid, every strap over him creaking as veiny muscles bulged against them. His mouth was opening, teeth shattering, as if he was freezing...and the word came: "Un...acc...eptable!"
"Doctor!" Ashley called out even as the man's eyes snapped open with a grunt, eyes wide, looking left and right in. A moment of panic, then gone.
Thank God...he's alive.
Ashley found herself blinking in surprise as she saw the doctor come up next to the lying Commander, a Commander already looking calm as he looked over at Chakwas with now almost normal eyes, his breathing steady.
She was even more surprised when the man smiled, even casually: "Hello doctor..." A glance down and he was smirking. "...is there a reason I'm strapped down and haven't been given a safety word? Or will I get the whip for asking?"
Huh! Chakwas acted as if nothing was odd as she shook her head with rolling eyes. "Could we cut out the jokes as I examine you?"
"I always follow the doctor's orders." He replied with a chuckle, not in the least showing any awareness of the sweat clinging to his clothes and covering his face. "Though I can tell you I'm fine, a little tired perhaps."
"I'll be the judge of that." Chakwars muttered, holding a scanner next to Shepards neck for a moment, forehead creasing in a frown. "That was...odd...despite the odd brain activity from before...you seem fine." She looked down at the Commander, almost accusatory. "Are you sure you are okay Commander? No dizziness or pain?"
"Nope, now get me out of this getup or turn it into something a bit more fun." Shepard replied with a grin, causing the doctor to sigh in exasperation as she quickly moved to unbuckle the near snapped straps. Shepard? Ashley blinked, then blinked again, completely confused. Neither Chakwas nor the approaching Anderson seemed to act as if Michael's behaviour was in any way odd, yet to her it looked as if he'd completely changed character...and she had a sick feeling in her stomach that the beacon, and therefore she, was responsible.
The relief of him being alive was instantly riven with new guilt.
"Thank you doctor, always a pleasure." The man slipped around and sat down at the corner of the bed, back against Ashley as his head tilted from left to right with with snaps of cartilage being aligned. "How long was I gone?"
"Three hours Shepard." Anderson replied, stepping next to the doctor with a concerned look on his face as he eyed the Commander. "I've seen the footage and read the other's reports, but...what exactly happened?"
The Commander hesitated, head bowing as he tensed up. God, it had to be terri- "I...w-we...Je-Jenkins w-was lo-lost s-sir." -fying? Again she found herself confused as Ashley eyed Shepard's tensing shoulders with a mix of guilt and puzzlement. Of course Kaidan had told her, briefly, of them having lost a man on the mission, but as far as Ashley knew the Commander wasn't all that familiar with the soldier...
"Yes..." Anderson nodded, looking sombre. "I hate to lose men under my command, it's always a toll on my conscience, I should have..." He made an wide gesture with his hand, looking dejected, if only slightly. Is he...faking! I don't...
Michael's shoulders instantly dropped, his head craning to look up at the Captain, smiling compassionately. "It's okay captain, we all make mistakes and..." He looked away, almost shyly. "..thank you."
What in God's name is going on? If Ashley hadn't felt so guilty and shamed she would have smacked the Commander over the head for the confusion he was causing, rank or no rank.
"I'll make sure he receives all that he deserves for his service to me." Anderson replied stoically, then sighed as he pressed: "But Michael, I need to know...what happened? Was Saren there?" His calm face split into a grimace of disgust, his eyes betraying a surprising amount of hatred before the mask was back on.
"I believe so sir." Shepard replied, tone shifting from the emotional to a cold one. "Though there is little evidence sir." Then back to something akin to a normal one. "Sorry."
"We'll make do." Anderson replied, though for what Ashley wasn't sure. To get to kick his ass? To shoot him? I'll pull the trigger. "Now what of the beacon? What...happened?" He shot Ashley a glance, though it wasn't at all hostile it made her want to crawl into a hole. Shit...I hate compassion, especially when I don't deserve it!
"My fault Commander." Ashley spoke before Michael had a chance to open his mouth, stepping forth so he could see her when he craned his head to the left. The calm blue eyes looking at her were so...different...from the coldness from before that she found herself stuttering ever so slightly: "I...s-stepped too close to the beacon and it caught me, then you rescued me and...w-well..." She looked away, unable to meet his eyes any more as the shame burnt her, made all the worse by Anderson already having signed her up on the Normandy and cleared her of any charges of dereliction of duty. I don't deserve it...none of it... "...it caught you...and then exploded...I...there's no excuse for the carelessness...sir." She swallowed, feeling cold after the words leaving her, far too simple and pathetic to express her regret. Where's Tennyson when you need him?
"Oh yes, shame on you." The sarcastic reply made her look up in shock, finding the Commander's eyes twinkle with clear amusement.
Amusement!
"C-Commander?"
The man grinned at her, making her feel like a fool even before he opened his mouth: "I mean you should have expected the over-sized lamppost to contain some sort of sentient and until now dormant power that brings anyone close to it within a powerful forcefield and then proceeds to force-feed them images." He chuckled.
Chuckled!
"S-sir?"
"I mean over half of every ancient fossil found does that, didn't you know that?" He shook his head at the ceiling, as if questioning God about Ashley's sense as he continued to make fun of Ashley's guilt.
And she found herself sighing in a mix of irritation and amusement. Damn it this isn't... "Sir, I could have..."
"You couldn't have known." The amusement instantly faded, sarcasm as well, as the Commander looked at her with a steady gaze. "You did nothing wrong." With conviction.
Ashley stared back at the conviction, swallowed. Well this is a change, before he sort of struck me as an asshole, now...he's...nice...? Her cheeks flushed...and then she averted her gaze, shoulders slumping as the tension disappeared. "Yes Commander..."
"Outside missions it's Michael." The man replied, then, much to the flushed Ashley's relief, turned his attention back to Anderson. "Sir, I take it we're going to the Citadel to explain..." A furtive gesture, lost. "...all of this?"
"With an attack on a human colony, a Spectre dead and another possible rogue I'd say that's a given." Anderson muttered, arms crossed in front of him as he continued: "Shepard...I need to know everything, what you saw, what proof against Saren there is, what that beacon did to you..." The Commander nodded at that, though grimaced at the end, shaking his head much like Ashley had to remove whatever memory tried to enter his mind. "...in private if neither of you two mind?" Anderson shot the two women in the med-bay a look that told them the question was strictly rhetorical.
"Very well." Chakwas grumbled, shooting Michael a worried look before turning to leave.
Ashley lingered as she brushed past the two officers, glancing back to look at Michael, the man managing a weak smile in her direction even as his eyes grew distant. No doubt remembering...the terror...Ashley could only shake her head, unable to understand how he had even survived it, and unable to stop herself from feeling in debt.
She saluted.
But it didn't feel like enough...
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She knew she shouldn't be, but she none the less lingered just outside the med-bay, for once ignoring her usual need to check on her station's weapons and armour, something she wasn't sure she was cleared to do now that she had been transferred to the Normandy.
I should be ecstatic, finally a posting on a ship, an advanced frigate no less, a chance for action, promotions, to do some proper work for the Alliance...
Shame I don't deserve it.
She grimaced, her arms crossed in front of her as she leant against a wall, closing her eyes and pressing away the image of her squad mates being torn apart by the Geth crossfire...only for that crimson image of...what she wasn't sure...pushing into her. Terror...
A small grunt and she shifted her stance, brushing aside the images with a scowl. Get a grip soldier, it's bad enough you don't deserve your new post with those big blunders of yours, but do you have to compound it with being such a pussy about some images you don't understand?
Thankfully the door to the med-bay opened, distracting her from the shameful thoughts as she directed her attention at captain Anderson.
The man didn't even seem to notice her, his head bowed deep in thought as he strode forward with angry steps, cutting through the main room towards his quarters without even having to look up, while clearly looking angry enough for none to get in his way...as if anyone would do so to the hero from the First Contact War...
A moment later Michael too came out of the med-bay, he too with his head bowed in thought, but his steps more sedated, frown more thoughtful then angry, perhaps even a little...sad?
Ashley straightened, saluted, the motion feeling empty and meaningless as she once more found herself confronted with the hero of the Skyllian Blitz, all the more so now that he had absolved her of her sin of carelessness.
With a start the man looked up, the distant look in his eyes slowly fading as he focused on her, his steps becoming more set as he moved towards her. "Williams, I heard you've been transferred to the Normany."
"Yes sir." Ashley nodded, her hands dropping into one another behind the small of her back as she widened her stance. Be God-damn proper now trooper... "It's an honour sir."
"Didn't I say that outside missions you could call me Michael?" The man smiled, the friendliness in his behaviour still startling her. Where the hell did the tough as nails guy go! "Anyway, it's an honour to have you, you did good work on Eden Prime, I'm surprised they dumped such a competent soldier as such a crappy posting...not that I'm complaining." There was a question in the eyes, a question needing answering.
Ashley opened her mouth, ready with the standard excuse about politics or bad luck of the draw... "Well the Williams' name isn't all that appreciated in Alliance circles sir, due to what my grandfather did at Shanxi..." Or we could tell him everything...that's another way to go about it...seriously...what the hell! "...you know, the whole surrendering of the garrison and planet..."
The needing question in Michael's eyes faded, but only slightly, making her wince, unable to avert her gaze.
"While that's his mistake I...well those following in his footsteps aren't all that trusted...irrational but then again...what human is rational?" God, he, the great hero, will be disgusted with me and my tainted name now, or worse, think me trying to earn points with a sob-story...
The eyes looking back at her were calm once again, calm and carrying that conviction, boring it into her. "I have read every report and summary of that operation, he did the right thing to surrender, resistance would only have cost lives at no gain."
The conviction...Ashley found herself turning her head away from it, meeting it in the corner of her eye, if only so she could better endure it. She managed a snort though, smirking at him. "Oh? This coming from the man who won the Star of Terra with his grand defence of Elysium?"
Now it was Shepard's turn to look away, shaking his head with a grunt and a shrug. "Just...trust me on it."
"I'm not the trusting type." Shepard turned his head back to look at her, eyebrow raised in question, making Ashley curse herself. Dammit, you're forgetting yourself soldier! "...sir."
"Michael." The man corrected with a small smile, his features softening as he regarded her. "I have yet to ask, sorry about that, how are you holding up?"
Again she snorted, not sure what else to do. "Shouldn't I be the one asking that? You were the one nearly trashing the med-bay with all that trashing about after the beacon's brain-fuck..." She snapped her mouth shut. Oh God I did not just say that...?
A small chuckle, the Commander not looking the least offended by the vulgar choice of words. "It did kind of feel like a rape..." He shook his head with a smile and a shrug, as if it was nothing, then the smile faded, forehead wrinkling in concern. "But seriously, you lost a lot of friends down there..."
"I avenged their deaths." Ashley grunted with a shrug. Many times over...
He only looked at her, not saying a word.
"They...will have a proper burial and such...can't ask for more." Swallowing she shifted where she stood. Perhaps that they'd still be alive...
He crossed his arms in front of his chest, eyebrow raised, reminding her of just how small she was next to him...
"I...they knew the risks when the signed on sir..."
A small sigh through his nose, the man looking down at her with a growing knowledge that...irked her. A demand that...hurt her.
A final grunt...and Ashley looked away, shoulders slumping, her not having realised they had been all that far up. "I...I'll be okay sir." Relief, it shot through her as she admitted the guilt, then gritted through it. "I will."
"Good." Shepard was moving before she had time to look up, a paw of a hand coming to pat her shoulder as he brushed past her. "We'll need you after all."
"Yes sir..." Ashley sighed, looking down at her chest as she heard Michael walk away in the general direction of the cockpit, her own world only a strange mix of relief and guilt rolling around within her stomach.
I'm going to need a drink...
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Thanks to Abydos Jackson for being the the support that keeps the train rolling. :-)