Chapter Thirteen: That Darn Fudgey

"Grumble, grumble, grumble." Sammy grumbled.

"Pardonnez moi? Repite s'il vous plait." Cora asked politely, using her mandatory second language skillz.

"I said: GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE!" Sammy yelled.

"Oh. Okay." Cora immediately regretted being polite.

It was mid-November and the four were on their way to the first Quidditch
match of the season. It was Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor and, although Hufflepuff and Slytherin were not participating, they still had to attend. Ha ha! Suckers.

"You're just mad because you're jealous of Fudgey!" Cora pushed Sammy's anger button.

"I am not!" Sammy roared, stopping the people in the hallway as they turned to stare at her. "…We have to go now."

She ran outside, closely followed by Bridgit, Cora and Reagan. Once beyond the confines of the massive school, they slowed to an easy gait and resumed their less than witty conversation.

"Hey!" Bridgit, who had been in her own little world, suddenly graced
reality with her presence, "I wonder if Fudgey McMuffin is related to Cornelius Fudge!"

"No. The McMuffin clan and the Fudge clan have been bitter blood rivals for generations." Cora, stone faced, shot down Bridgit's theory.

"Oh…really?" Bridgit was slightly put out.

"No. I just made that up!" Cora laughed.

"Stupid McMuffin. His family was probably a hideous by-product of McDonald's advertising campaign." Sammy snickered, more to herself than anyone else.

"I'm surprised at you three! Fudgey's a good guy…probably. You know, once you get to know him. And he must have some redeeming features. Take, for example, how he made the quidditch team!" Reagan came up with some points in his favor.

"THAT MEANS NOTHING!" Sammy and Cora yelled, still bitter at their defeat.

"I liked the shiny thing." Bridgit smiled, not being consumed by rage, yet not cognitively functional.

Further discussion was put on hold as they reached the bleachers and began to climb the stairs to their seats in the Gryffindor bleachers. Bridgit and Cora were relieved for an excuse to not sit by Ron and Hermione. Upon sitting down, Sammy quickly whipped out a Ravenclaw flag, earning extremely angry glances from everyone around them.

"Sammy, where'd you get that thing? Apparently it's like a blue ant in a red ant's domain." Bridgit hissed, not liking the anger so much.

"I have to keep up the ruse or else he'll nail us for points and everyone will kill me." Sammy glanced around in paranoia.

"Who? What are you talking about?" Reagan looked at her, wondering if she was feeling alright.

"Snape." She whispered at a conspiratory level. "He's out to get me."

"You're being paranoid! Just because he deducts points from you at every single interaction you…you know what? You might just be right. Keep away from me!" Cora scooted over to sit next to Bridgit so she wouldn't be caught in Snape's obsessive-compulsive gaze.

"Oh come on! He's not watching now!" Reagan shook his head. "I mean, he does have a life beyond petty spite!"

However, Snape sat among the teachers in the bleachers with a pair of binoculars. He adjusted the little focus knobbies and a crisp image of Sammy swam into view. She was half-heartedly waving her Ravenclaw flag trying not to attract the attention of the Gryffindor students. Snape's hands tightened around the binoculars, his knuckles turning white.

"Damn youuuuu." He hissed under his breath. He then focused the binoculars on Harry and his grip tightened once again.

"Damn youuuuuu!" He repeated, although louder than last time, earning him concerned glances from his peers.

Finally, he let out one last, quiet, "Damn youuuuuu!"

"Well I never!" McGonagal huffed, sitting right beside him. "Get those binoculars out of my face, Severus, before I sever your crystal balls." She frostily narrowed her eyes.

"What? Oh. I get it. That was rather lewd." Snape focused elsewhere.

"Did someone say crystal balls?" Trelawney awoke from her coma to pop up between the two. "On a completely unrelated note, it seems that there is a plague of clumsiness overtaking the school."

Professor McGonagal nodded in agreement. "For once I am in agreement with you, Sybill. I myself have tripped over nothing at least three times today. See?" She rolled up her sleeve to reveal a Sponge Bob Square Pants Band-aid. All of the faculty stared at it in awe, letting out a collective,

"Ooooooooo!"

"And since it follows your prediction it can't possibly be due to my age or failing eyesight. That doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. Damn hippy." McGonagall finished with mucho anger.

"Well, Minerva, it seems you are not as square as I initially thought." Dumbledore smiled warmly.

"Shows how much you know! It's hip to be square." She pointed at the cartoon character. "Dig it?"

"Oh…I'm no longer with it. I am saddened by my roundness." Dumbeldore sighed.

"Yes! The plague of clumsiness is just as I predicted. Me. Sybill Trelawney!" Trelawney piped up. Everyone turned to look at her, saddened that she was talking.

"C*loser*ough!" Someone coughed.

"Yes! The Garden of the Silver Wedding was all burned except for its sou'westerly quarter. And in this quarter, the only section left unscathed was the path of chrysanthemums and chrysanthemums, as you all know, are the flowers of clumsiness! The Weasley child foretold this before even I was aware of it. He is very gifted." Trelawney said proudly.

"Yes…gifted." Snape muttered. "If by gifted you mean special and by special you mean stupid, then I agree."

"I will not address such an ignorant man." Trelawney sighed. "And to think I was considering you for a husband."

"Guh- WHA-?" Snape looked terrified and lost the ability to speak.

Professor Flitwick fainted from the mere thought of being at that wedding. Snape, also not having a favorable reaction, sat stone faced, gripping the arms of his chair and staring straight ahead, mouth silently flapping in horror. Professor McGonagall erupted into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. She had to be carried out so that the students would stop staring.

In the meantime, the game had started. After Madame Hooch had tripped and then released the balls, the chaos that was Quidditch erupted in all its violent glory.

"Kill him! Kill him! Oh come on, you pansy!" Cora screamed at the top of
her lungs.

"See? Fudgey is a really good keeper!" Reagan pointed out, as Fudgey had
defended twelve goals successfully.

"Yeah, but that's because he's so big he takes up half the net!" Sammy
exclaimed.

"Sammy!" Reagan was affronted.

"But it's true! Look." Bridgit offered her binoculars. Reagan looked through them and went silent. As the quaffle flew towards the Gryffindor net, Fudgey blocked it with his belly and it bounced back and hit the offending Ravenclaw player in the face.

"Yes, but look how skillfully he defends the net." Reagan searched for
something nice to say.

"I know why Trex sent you to be a diplomat, but I still haven't figured why she's here." Cora pointed at Sammy.

"You're not going to be the leader anytime soon, so drop it already!" Sammy whacked her over the head with her Ravenclaw flag, breaking it in half.

"All right!" A random Gryffindor child exclaimed."Great idea!" He took the Ravenclaw flag and burned it as a sort of effigy. Sammy's lower lip quivered.

"I paid nine sickles for that." She moaned as the Gryffindor spawn danced around the flames in a very Lord of the Flies manner.

Five minutes later, Harry suddenly dived towards the hard, hard ground in an almost suicidal manner. However, he pulled neatly out of the dive, golden snitch in hand.

"Yay! We won." The four pretended to cheer.

However, the Gryffindor children were no longer paying attention, having
succumbed to the will of their id.

"Come! Let us cast off this hierarchy of everyone being better than us and live in harmony with the evil, evil woods!" One of the children, having retained conscious, if not intelligent thought, yelled. He was propelled to leader status as they all charged into the woods screaming and throwing things at other people.

"Aw damn. Now we have to go round them up. What a bother." Professor
Flitwick, having recovered from his plight, sighed.

As the bleachers cleared the teachers all headed into the woods to stop the stupid children. All except for Professor Snape. He remained in his chair long after the arena had become deserted. Still gripping the arms of his chair in a strength born of terror, he remained seated, moving his mouth as though he was speaking.

"I can't believe my flag is ruined." Sammy, ever cheap, quietly moaned.

"I can't believe you started a revolution." Cora smiled in approval.

"I can't believe it's not butter!" Bridgit was licking away at an iced margarine popsicle.

"While I applaud the British Magical School System in their attempts to make children's food options healthier, I have to say that this was perhaps not the best execution." Reagan shook his head, secretly glaring at the Margey-Pop™ vendor.

"Why, hello there ladies!" Came a heavy, self-assured voice.

They all turned to behold a sweaty lump of a boy on a broom. At least…they were pretty sure it was human.

"Hi?" Sammy raised her eyebrow in confusion. She usually openly shunned Fudgey at practice, so his attempts to talk to them was bewildering.

"So, didja see me?" He smiled proudly.

"How could I not?" Sammy made a jab at his obesity.

Bridgit and Cora chuckled while Reagan tried to spare his feelings, "You played really well today, Fu-"

"I like less talk in my women." Fudgey cut him off.

"Well, that's lucky for both of us because, you see, I'm really a-"

Reagan's attempts to clear up the question of his gender were not to be.

"That's nice, sweetcakes. One day your prince will come." Fudgey waved dismissively.

"That's my friend." Sammy gave Fudgey a pointed glance.

"That's really big of you!" Fudgey smiled, then leaned in close to whisper, "she's not much of a looker. She should look into waxing...or paper bags."

"No…how big of you." Sammy muttered angrily. "So anyway, did you want something?"

"Maybe after a couple of dates! BA FWA FWA FWA FWAAAA! No, my little luxury yacht, that will be for another voyage." He winked.

The four stared at him, obviously confused as to how he hadn't been held back yet.

"You ladies are so shy. Hope to see you at the next game."

"Well, they are mandatory and since murder is illegal, I guess so." Cora smiled, clearly homicidal.

Reagan, red-faced, said nothing.

"So…I think there's some turkeys in the locker room that aren't butchered yet." Bridgit offered.

"Hot damn! I'll see you broads later. Especially you, my little love house elf." He gave Sammy a skeezy eyebrow raise.

"I'm dead on the inside." Sammy responded.

"Awesome!" Fudgey took off for his after-game meal of raw, whole turkeys.

"Fudgey and Sammy sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then the tree breaks because Fudgey's the size of a fridge!" Bridgit and Cora amazingly sang at the same time.

"I'll kill you both in your sleep." Sammy, quite reasonably, replied.

Sammy looked back at Reagan, who was uncharacteristically silent in the face of Bridgit and Cora rudely teasing someone. His face was set in a very stern expression. Sammy felt her heart jump in surprise as he turned that intense gaze onto her.

"Reagan?"

He pulled her into a firm hug, assuming Sammy had been unduly upset at being spoken to in that way. Sammy, assuming Reagan had been upset by Fudgey's insults, awkwardly patted his back while pretending she wasn't blushing.

"There there." They said at the same time.

"So, I'm bored now." Cora gave the two a pointed glance.

"I know! Let's go on a panty raid, sew them all together, and replace the castle's tapestries!" Bridgit smiled.

"Awesome!"

The two ran off, leaving Sammy and Reagan in their awkward friend-ish hug.