Chapter Fourteen: Prelude to Deluge
"So, would you classify this as a non-magical creature, or a magical creature?" Professor Summersong continued her lecture, pointing to a picture of a reindeer.
"How about a made-up creature?" Malfoy sniffed, eyeing the image dubiously.
"Shows what you know, moron!" Cora snickered. "I know the answer because Trex runs a reindeer farm as a second job because teachers are so impoverished in our country!" Cora crossed her arms over her chest proudly. Everyone was staring at her.
"Right…I don't think that's something to be proud of." Hermione whispered to her.
"Right, now if you would be so kind as to pay attention to the lecture instead of talking amongst yourselves," Professor Summersong brought their attention back to the lesson, "I am still waiting for an answer to my question."
Bridgit raised her hand.
"They're reindeer. All they do is snort, eat and poop. I wouldn't call that magical. Especially not since they bite." She scowled darkly, remembering Trex's black sheep of the reindeer, Skippy, who had bitten her on several occasions during their "educational" trips to the farm (actually, child labour trips. Trex couldn't afford real help.)
"They're magical creatures!" Violet piped up. "They live in the North Pole and every year they fly around the planet to deliver gifts to good girls and boys. Last year, I got a My Little Pony. Her name was Ring-a-ling."
"It's not a surprise you don't know what reindeer are. You probably don't get any presents from Santa Clause." Harry made a silent verbal jab at Malfoy.
"Yeah, I don't know about some fake guy who delivers stupid presents. I getreal presents from real parents. You know…the kind that aren't dead and don't hate me. I don't have to make anyone up." Malfoy shot back.
The room went silent. Harry started to rise from his seat, looking like he was about to show Malfoy the wrong side of a girl fight. Professor Summersong sighed, as every class usually seemed to erupt in some kind of chaos.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, I would remind you that you are in class right now and if you don't want to make up the time you are wasting, kindly shut it. Mr. Malfoy, it is irrelevant whether or not you are a real boy with real parents, as that is not today's topic. And whether or not people get presents from silly fairy tales, Mr. Potter, is also not what we are discussing."
"He is so real!" Violet wailed.
"I re-iterate, that is not the topic of today's discussion. We are trying to determine whether this creature here," She pointed at the picture rather fiercely, breaking her stick, "is magical or not."
"I realize the wizarding world in Britain takes many commonplace things as impressive, I hardly think anyone here would consider pooping magical." Bridgit answered yet again.
"I don't understand, this seems like something we'd be learning in Care of Magical Creatures." Hermione announced her befuddlement.
"That is very perceptive of you, Miss Grainger, but also where the misunderstanding of these creatures comes from. You see, it is by definition neither magical nor non-magical. These creatures, although they possess the ability to fly, cannot use magic." Her statement caused waves of uncertainty to reverberate throughout the room.
"But if they're non-magical, then how can they fly?" Parvati, not dead as rumors would have you believe, was unable to contain her question.
"Their ability to fly is not natural, but comes from an environmental factor. Can anyone tell me what this ability has resulted from?" She turned to face the class. Not surprisingly, Hermione was the only one who raised her hand.
"Don't they live near the North Pole on a chain of remote islands that were the site of the ancient great magical War of the Granny Smith Apple?"
"Very good, Miss Grainger. Ten points for Gryffindor." Professor Summersong beamed. "The battle over whose wizard hat was the biggest was very intense. On the 99th day of their ferocious battling, the famous Grimshaw Explosion contaminated the florae at its focal point. It is still contaminated by mass amounts of magical fallout to this very day. The ability for reindeer to fly is something that they achieve by eating the moss and lichens from this area. Had they been raised elsewhere, they would not possess the magic of flight."
"Oh God, they can fly?" Bridgit, still thinking about reindeer poop, was horrified.
"Why is this in the curriculum? This rubbish seems like something the Canadians should be learning. They might need one to run their government." Malfoy sneered.
Bridgit and Cora went silent in shame, knowing full well that a reindeer would be an improvement. Spurred on by Malfoy's comment, several other Slytherins jeered and hissed in support.
"Go back home, Canuks." One whispered.
"Don't infect us with your stupid reindeer brains." Another obviously not so bright Slytherin added.
"What did I say about talking? Ten points from Slytherin and another ten for verbal abuse." She deducted the points, much to Harry's delight. "And to answer your question, Mr. Malfoy, at this time of year, the Rangifer volatilis tarandus become very territorial and are migrating to spend the rest of the winter season in Greenland. Some have even been seen as far as Norway. They have been known to attack anyone they come across, especially those flying on brooms. The annual death toll is twelve, as no one has been taught about them, so now it is in the curriculum guidelines as
a mandatory topic. Since they are extremely agile and quick, generally magic is the only defense. So, today we will be learning how to defend against a flying reindeer." She paused, steeling herself for what she had to say next.
"And since we don't have any reindeer, we will have to combat this pair of antlers." She held up very dead and dry antlers. Bridgit shuddered.
"Whoa. I just had the hugest feeling of déjà vu! That was totally like when Trex has to find teaching supplies from the dumpsters behind KwikCopy." She whispered to Cora.
"I know what you mean." Cora sighed.
"And to give it a feeling of viciousness, I have given them a body on this stuffed beaver." She tied them to a suspiciously familiar beaver.
"Hey! We gave that to McGonagall as a token of our good will!" Bridgit sprang out of her seat, suddenly recognizing it.
"Umm…yes. I actually asked her to borrow it for this particular exercise and didn't find it in the trash at all." Professor Summersong smiled.
"Oh, okay." Bridgit sat back down.
"In order to simulate the broom flying experience, I have cast a levitation spell on it and placed a fan in front of the broom." She set it all up.
"Now, there is not any particular spell to defend against it, so feel free to use your imagination so long as it does not destroy any of the props. Okay! Who wants to go first? How about you?" She pointed to Seamus, who wasn't important enough to have his last name remembered.
"Right then, it'll be a cinch." He stood up from his desk and climbed onto the levitating broom.
"Now, to simulate the speed of a reindeer attack, I have tied a string to our reindeer and will release it like a pendulum from up here." She climbed up a ladder to a series of pulleys that held the "reindeer" in place.
"Are you ready, Mr. O'Toole?" She called down to him.
"What? That's not my last name." Seamus whimpered.
Professor Summersong hurled the beaver at him as hard as she could. It hit Seamus in the midriff and knocked him off the broom. He lay on the floor, staring in confusion at the ceiling.
"You must not waver in your concentration. They are sentient and have been known to purposely distract people in order to catch them off guard, knock them out of the sky and then trample them to death." She explained the morbid ending of stupid people. "You, Mr. O'Toole, are now dead."
Hermione raised her hand,
"Wouldn't the person on the broom die from the fall before being trampled?" She inquired.
"People are generally quick-witted enough to cast a levitation spell, so the reindeer make extra sure they finish the job. And I do believe that you have volunteered to go next, yes?"
"Okay!" Hermione smiled brightly, getting ready to show off.
"Right then, Miss Grainger. Now that you are on the broom, are you ready?" Professor Summersong inquired.
"Ready." Hermione said.
"Well, that's too bad. They attack without warning."
"Oh, well, I could be less ready if you wanted!" Harmione offered, coming up with the quick response thanks to her +2 in brown nosing.
"Too late. You fail!" She hurled the reindeer at Hermione.
"No! Acu figere globules!" Hermione shouted in panic. An invisible barrier smashed against the beaver, deviating it from its path chosen by physics. It missed her by a lot and spun out of control, getting all tangled up in its wires.
"Do I really fail?" Hermione asked faintly.
"No, Miss Grainger, I was merely trying to distract you." Professor Summersong offered comfortingly. "Good job. You may return to your seat." Hermione hurriedly resumed her seat, obviously pleased with herself.
"Who's next?" Professor Summersong asked cheerfully while untangling the
wires. "How about you, Mr. Longbottom? You look terrified. Let's give it a go, eh?" Neville squeaked in fright as a response. "Ah, I'm just kidding. Mr. Malfoy, you're up!"
"Hey! That's what they say in baseball!" Bridgit exclaimed. "Like in little league!"
"Yes, that's all well and good, you great dirty mud wizard." Malfoy muttered under his breath.
"What does that even mean?" Cora whispered to Hermione.
"As far as I know, he made it up. It's not very imaginative, but I suppose that for him it's pretty good." Hermione sighed. "This is the appalling downside of inbreeding."
"Well, at least he has a nice ass!" Cora grinned.
Malfoy climbed aboard the broom and took out his wand with a rather bored expression on his face.
"Oh my, it seems Mr. Potter has just won another trophy." Professor Summersong drawled as she released the "reindeer".
"Hah! Potter." Malfoy spat contemptuously. "I won't be fooled by that!Saxificus!" Repelled by a surge from his wand, the "reindeer" suddenly stopped moving and turned to stone.
"See? If you're going to do it, at least do it right." Malfoy crowed. "And you're bloody damn right I have a nice ass!" He gave Cora a venomous look.
A creaking of wood suddenly distracted any thoughts running through anyone's minds regarding the ass of one Mr. Malfoy, thus spawning a new collective thought: What's that? Could it be…?
With a resounding snap, the system supporting the "reindeer" collapsed under its weight and Malfoy tumbled from the ceiling, followed by a good chunk of heavy wood framework destined for an identical location. About to be crushed by this very pulpy death, Malfoy was saved in good time by Professor Summersong, who cast a levitation spell.
"It was a fine idea, Mr. Malfoy. Unfortunately, not for the system we had been provided with. However, it is not our intention to kill the reindeer, but to defend ourselves. Now, our reindeer didn't shatter because the fall wasn't very high, but in a real situation it would have died." She lectured.
"Who cares? Everyone for themselves. All's fair in war and war." Malfoy spouted idiocy.
"That's nice. Well, I suppose that is all for today so I shall let you out early under the expectation that you will prepare a spell for class tomorrow. With that said, class dismissed." She turned to try to lift the stone creature from the floor with little success. As everyone headed out of the room, Bridgit and Cora, for some reason on the same wavelength, approached the front of the room to help Professor Summersong lift up their now stone gift.
"Thank you, ladies." She sighed in frustration. "I suppose I shall have to have Professor Snape concoct a reversal potion for this condition. We can't be knocking children off of brooms with large stone objects hurtling at huge velocities, now can we?" She mused, secretly wishing she could.
"Depends on who it's aimed at." Cora joked.
"Well, at any rate it'll make a nice lawn ornament." Bridgit tried to look on the bright side.
"Say, would you girls mind helping me with a small project since you seem to have some free time? I have some sixth year papers I need to grade and I haven't had the time to complete it."
"Well, I guess so." Cora replied. Bridgit nodded, still on the same wavelength, feeling that that was preferable to studying and guard duty.
"Well, you see I ordered this ancient fossil of the extinct Krayt dragon which I would like to construct and hang from the ceiling in order to strike fear into the hearts of students. It is a relatively useful teaching tool." She gave a wry smile.
"I like the way you think!" Cora cheered.
"But…but…think of the children!" Bridgit wailed.
"I am."
"Oh, I get it! Okay!" Bridgit smiled.
"Excellent. Thank you both so much. The bones are in the other room. If you need any help, I'll be in here marking papers." She went to go sit at her desk.
"No problem!" Cora shouted as she ran into the other room, Bridgit on her heels. They just about crashed into a large open crate full of bones.
"Yikes! I almost got skewered by a rib." Bridgit narrowly avoided certain impalement.
"Here are the instructions!" Cora picked up a piece of paper the size of a city map. "Let's see…well, first we take one of these bitty bits and put it into one of these circular bits like this." She demonstrated as she spoke.
"It's not that hard! Kind of like Lego ™."
"But I never follow the instructions for Lego™. I always make my own castles." Bridgit eyed the accursed instructions warily.
"Yeah, that's why they turned out ugly." Cora sighed, explaining this yet again. "Here. I'll read the instructions and you do what I tell you."
"No way. You suck at telling me what to do. Why do you think you're last choice for leader?" Bridgit objected. "I mean, "bitty bits"? What the hell is that supposed mean?"
"I am NOT last choice for leader! You're just delusional from the stresses of hard labor. Speaking of which: get cracking!"
"It isn't hard labor! It's just a puzzle! I give coherent instructions. Gimme that and we'll finish this faster than you and your "bitty bits"." Bridgit snatched at the paper.
"You can't have the instructions! They're beyond your simple mind." Cora tugged back at them.
"Simple mind? Look, I may not run around screaming at people like you do, but that doesn't mean I'm simple, just that I'm reasonable!" Bridgit tried to shove Cora out of the way.
"Well, I'm not so sure about that! Remember the time you got trapped in the well, only it was a stage prop?"
"Oh yeah? Well what about your mole people?" Bridgit shot back.
"They're real!" Cora yelled.
"No! They're fictional! Just like your brain! You only wish they existed because then your life would have meaning!" Bridgit pulled even harder, the edges tearing a bit.
"Okay! That's it. Now the gloves are off!" Cora, instead of pulling on the map, shoved Bridgit bodily towards a pile of molars. Bridgit managed to maintain her grip, but was now hanging onto the instructions, causing it to tear further.
"You're gonna rip it!" Cora snapped.
"No, you're going to rip it!" Bridgit replied.
Cora shifted herself so that she could bear Bridgit's weight and manage to kick her at the same time. Standing on a shoulder blade with one foot for balance, she started kicking Bridgit lightly in the face, more as a gross out tactic than as one of brute force.
"Oh! I just remembered that I stepped in Fang's droppings today on the way to care of magical creatures, so I washed it off in the toilet!" Cora giggled as she wiggled her foot in front of Bridgit's face.
"Argh! Gross! Get that outta my face!" Bridgit squirmed, trying to bite Cora's hand.
"I'm sorry. What did you say? I can't hear you. I can't hear people who are stupid." Cora cocked her head to one side.
"Wah! I'm not stupid, just ditzy! I'll show you!" Bridgit cried defiantly while realizing that Cora's load-bearing foot was on the shoulder blade bone.
With mighty might born of malice, Bridgit kicked the shoulder blade out from under Cora, causing her to fall over. However, Bridgit was then unable to maintain her grip on the instructions, which went flying through the air only to land with a plop in a small fish tank…full of acid!
"You idiot! You made it fall into the acid tank!" Cora accused her friend. "Quickly! Fish it out before it dissolves!"
"What?" Bridgit raised her eyebrow. "I'm not that stupid!"
"Wargh! Why does she even have a tub of acid?" Cora pined.
"For the acid monster, stupid!" Bridgit answered.
"Acid monster? That sounds just plain juvenile. Now who's stupid?" Cora crowed.
Suddenly, an ugly, shriveled brown head popped out of the acid. The thing had fourteen (because they were counting) eyes and sharp, spiny little teeth. It emitted a very strange cackle.
"Gak gak gak gak gaaaaak!" It then grabbed the instruction leaflet and ate what was left of it.
"Grrrrzzzzzzfluflu!" It hissed, then plopped back beneath the surface of the acid.
"You are." Bridgit replied.
"Great! Now we have no map!" Cora growled.
"You mean instructions." Bridgit sighed.
"I don't like your attitude." Cora narrowed her eyes.
"Well, in terms of skeletons they're pretty straightforward to put together. One thing can only go inside one other thing. In the end, it's foolproof. Let's just play it by ear because we can't leave Harry alone for too long."
"We're watching Snape now, stupid!" Cora pointed out.
"Thank you, captain obvious." Bridgit sighed.
"Well, clearly it wasn't obvious, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten it wrong." Cora shot back.
"Fine. Whatever. Let's just get this done."
"Are you girls okay in there?" Professor Summersong called from the other room, five minutes too late.
"Yes!" The two chorused back.
"Just peachy." Cora added between clenched teeth.
"I'll be fine when I introduce her to the acid monster." Bridgit growled.
"Well, it sounds to me like you're fighting!" Professor Summersong called back.
"We're not fighting!" They both screamed.
"Coulda fooled me, but okay!" Professor Summersong ignored the fact that they were lying. "But I won't let a certain two young ladies leave that room, even if they finish putting together the skeleton, if I think they're still fighting!"
"Can she do that?" Bridgit asked Cora quietly.
"Yes I can!" Professor Summersong answered.
"Eeep!" Cora squeaked and the two quickly began their labor.
In a scurry and flurry of random bones, Bridgit and Cora spent the next half hour digging rapidly through and piecing together whatever bones they could lay their hands on. By the end, they were left with one tiny little bone. Sweaty and weary, they didn't really care where it went.
"Naaaaa….let's put it…there!" Cora slapped it on the end of one of the
toes. "It's beautiful now!" She smiled.
"We did a good job!" Bridgit smiled. "Hooray for teamwork!" They gave each other a high five.
"So girls, how's it go-…ing." Professor Summersong gaped at the completed
skeleton.
It was, in reality, a monstrosity or a crime against nature. Take your pick. The thing towered six meters tall and was certainly not what it was supposed to look like. Sticking out of its eye sockets were two long wings with fingernails at the end of them. Its legs were placed at seemingly random intervals, looking out of place along the now snake-ish body. At the end of the tail were any remaining bones they hadn't found a place for. It was certainly something to instill fear in others. Professor Summersong smiled. It was perfect.
"Why, this is even better than it was supposed to be! Good job, ladies."
"Hooray!" The two jumped up.
"Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it. Have a good evening." She smiled and returned to marking the papers.
"We would be having a good evening." Bridgit muttered.
"Except that now we have to guard Snape." Cora finished.
"Well, you girls are in for a treat, then! I hear that tonight he's pickling the salmon gonads for tomorrow's class!" They both stared at her in forced smiles, trying to contain their horror.
"Just kidding!" She laughed.
"Oh." They breathed a sigh of relief.
"He's actually dissecting slugs to collect their puss, I'm sorry to tell you." She admitted.
"Oh…that sucks." Cora moaned.
"Don't worry, it'll only be for a few hours. After all, today is our bi-monthly Monopoly game…AND I'M GOING TO WIN!" Sighing, the two left in considerably worse spirits. They weren't at all surprised that Snape would use their mandatory guarding duties as an excuse to make them work. It made them homesick for Trex.
Just as they had walked but a few steps from Professor Summersong's class, they encountered Sammy, Reagan, Harry, Ron and Hermione.
"Oh, hey guys." Bridgit gave a half-hearted greeting.
"Where were you two? We were looking for you everywhere!" Sammy growled.
"We were building a bone monster!" Cora said proudly.
"And it turned out even better than if we had done it properly!" Bridgit nodded enthusiastically.
"I don't wanna know." Sammy shook her head.
"While you were gone, Harry had another scar attack." Reagan explained.
"I think that this is a serious indication that something is up. There was an agent at the Halloween ball and, since You Know Who's secret plot didn't succeed, it's likely that there will be a second attempt at the Yule ball." Hermione explained, neglecting to offer the path her logic had taken.
"Blimey! I forgot. I still need a date for the Yule Ball!" Ron clapped his face against his hand, ignoring everything else that Hermione had said.
"Ron! How can you think of such a thing at a time like this?" Hermione asked in horror.
"Will you go with me, Hermione?" Ron asked.
"Okay." Hermione quickly answered.
Realizing that they had neglected to do this as well, Harry and Sammy inhaled deeply, preparing to ask Reagan before the other could. However, Harry and Reagan were both suddenly smashed aside by the wide, wide girth of…Fudgey McMuffin!
"Hey Sammy." He began, "Would you like to go with me to the Yule Ball? I think you're mighty swell and would be a good compliment to me."
"What? No! You disgust me and I would sooner have you boiled in fish guts and served to me on a platter than go on a date with you!" Sammy fumed.
"Oooh, spicy! I like that. I'll see you at eight." Fudgey strode off with a sweep of his cape.
Sammy was not used to her caustic tongue having the opposite effect of what she intended. "Okay?"
Harry and Reagan emitted strained choking sounds from the floor. They were sounds of disbelief and horror. Fudgey McMuffin had asked Sammy to the Yule ball and she had accepted. Well, sort of.