Chapter Fifteen: Pre-Yule Ball MADNESS!
Squish! Went the knife as it jabbed into the back of a rather large slug. Slurp! Went its guts as they were wrenched out. Splat! Went the puss as it was slapped into a large metal pan.
"ARGH!" Went Bridgit as she accidentally squirted slug juice in her eye.
"Get it out! Where's the eye wash station?"
"We don't have one." Snape grinned.
"Do you want to injure your students?" Cora demanded angrily.
"Only if it's permanent. Unfortunately, slug juice doesn't make you go blind or cause any other serious maladies or deformities."
"Oh, how disappointing this must be for you." Cora shook her head, not in the least bit impressed. "The CSA would have your guys' asses on a platter."
"I don't know what that is. I don't care either. Get back to work while I drink my strawberry pina colada daiquiri with little umbrellas and red hots." Snape continued nursing his girly drink to end all girly drinks.
"Just because your life is a failure is no reason to feel bad!" Bridgit offered some consolation.
"What did you say?" Snape demanded.
"Uhmmm…I said…were you looking forward to the Yule Ball?" Bridgit tried to cover her ass.
"No. I'm not. The children are acting like such fools at this time of year. I would rather everyone died. That would be the best Christmas present ever." Snape paused, almost wistful for a moment.
"Nehhhhh….you're joking right?" Cora smiled nervously.
"Yes. Joking." Snape looked deadpan as his imagined heaven was interrupted.
"My best Christmas present would be-"
"At least I don't have to worry about you two being so idiotic. No one would date you." Snape talked over Bridgit.
"-and I want a- Hey!" Bridgit clicked on what Snape had said.
"For your information, I already have a date. Beats your one imagined date ever!" Cora shot back.
"She was worth ten times any of the men who would ever go out with YOU!" Snape hissed.
Cora was stunned into silence. She hadn't intended to hit any sort of mark.
"Please don't fight!" Bridgit held up her desiccated slug in a gesture of peace. "I have a date, too, Mr. Snape, so don't be angry and don't be
hating on us."
"It's professor! I didn't spend two years in a potion factory just to be a stupid "MR." Snape! And I'll have you know- you have a date?" Snape reeled at this sudden revolting revelation. "I could understand her threatening someone into taking her out, but how did you manage to find a date?"
"Well, it's not like I was so dazzling some lunatic tried to sweep me off my feet."
"Clearly." Cora gave her a mean smile and Snape secretly approved.
"He's a little shorter than the other guys and doesn't have a very high place in the school Peking order. I think he asked me out just so he could have a date and I don't mind. I think it would mean a lot to him for me to pretend he isn't hideous." Bridgit smiled kindly.
"Sounds like a match made in heaven." Snape muttered.
"When did this happen?" Cora spluttered.
"Oh. Yesterday when I was throwing mud all over the castle interior I heard this sound behind me and turned around to find him cleaning it up! He's so concerned about the school environment. It's almost sweet. He really doesn't have to." She laughed at the memory. "I would have gotten in so much trouble if Filch had caught me! But he asked me out instead of telling on me."
"Your story is both mundane and repulsive. Get back to work." Snape rubbed the bridge of his nose, feeling a migraine coming on. He was starting to consider that free labour in his general vicinity was too high a price to pay where these two were concerned.
"Man…my period is really….perioding this month." Cora stated in an off-handed sort of disinterest.
"Oh, my!" Snape cocked his ear to one side. "Do I hear someone, likely a Mr. Potter, wandering the corridors after hours?"
"It's five o'clock." Bridgit looked at him confusion.
"Right! Right…Only I'm pretty sure that he's carrying an illegal stash of pilfered potions ingredients!" He shouted, pointing randomly out the door. "Garrrgh! Damn that Potter!" Snape quickly made his exit before he had to hear anything else about lady issues. There were some things that potions couldn't cure…and that was being a woman. What a horrible, horrible deformity.
"Okay, so what was that all about?" Bridgit turned to Cora when she was certain Snape was out of earshot. "Because I'm pretty sure that felt humiliating for everyone."
"Well do you know what really is humiliating? Unlike you, I don't actually have a date!" Cora admitted.
"So? It's not like you need one." Bridgit sighed. "I only said yes to my mysterious stranger because it seemed to be an important cultural thing for him. I think he's an exchange student. Isn't it great that we have so much in common? Besides, it's really not a big deal for you and I."
"Well it is now!" Cora snapped, picking the lock to Snape's potion ingredients cupboard. "I can't let stupid Grinchy be right!"
"I always thought that he somewhat resembled the Grinch." Bridgit laughed. "But what are you looking for in there anyway? His shrunken heart?" She continued as Cora cracked the cupboard open, "A loooooove potion?"
"No! I have a plan. And it's better than that!"
"What is it?" Bridgit perked up.
"Hermione told me about it on one of her educational rants, so now I have an idea so brilliant that I cannot reveal it to anyone until after I do what I'm planning to do!" Cora cackled.
"That embarrassing, huh?"
"No! It's brilliant! It's mine! I'm the leader!" Cora panted, recovering from her brief excursion to Crazyville.
"You'd better shut the cupboard, it sounds like he's coming back." Bridgit noticed the sound of footsteps.
"Well, Mr. Potter, you'd best think again before stealing my cupboard ingredients." They heard Snape's approaching voice as Cora managed to shut it and stuff some ingredients in her boots.
"But Professor! You don't understand. The survival of the entire school as we know it depends on-"
"I seriously doubt the fate of the school rests on your petty acts of thievery!" Snape cut him off. "Now you have detention! You get to spend the
rest of the evening with these two lovely ladies and their periods as you all DISEMBOWEL SLUGS!" A vein bulged from his forehead, a direct result of his misogyny.
"But professor, I thought you said we could leave!" Bridgit was sad.
"Oh yes…right…I lied." He cackled. "Well, I'm off to the faculty bi-monthly Monopoly game." He paused a moment to glare at Cora. "And this time I will be victorious, despite your efforts of petty sabotage!" He screamed, spittle flying from his crooked teeth. Turning on his heel, he stormed out of the room and they could hear him long afterward laughing at their chore, which he had made up.
"So…do either of you have a date to the Yule Ball?" Harry turned to both of them.
"Yes."
"Oh…." He sighed and picked up a puss harvesting knife.
"I can't wait for the Yule Ball." Cora guffawed, stabbing the nearest slug with much gusto. Bridgit could only wonder in mild intrigue what her friend was up to as slug body parts flew all over the interior of Snape's classroom.
"Damn it! Just DRINK IT!" Cora screamed. There were some gurgling and choking noises from behind a thick wooden door.
"Gah! No! What did you do to me? What did you make me drink?" A horror-struck, unmistakably male voice cried in despair.
"Excellent…everything is going according to plan." Cora laughed. There was a soft buzzing noise and then she spoke again,
"This one is for Reagan!" Cora shouted. From behind the door, there was a blood-curdling scream…and then there was no more.
"Isn't this fun? Man, I love Yule Balls! It's a good thing that we decided not to go as couples and could go as friends!" Harry laughed, arms over Ron and Hermione's shoulders as he forced himself in between them.
"Yes…very nice." Ron grumbled. "You know, I hear Violet's date got sick." Ron offered, looking hopeful.
"Don't be silly, Ron! They're both right over there!" Harry pointed to Violet and her date, who were both unfortunately within visual range.
"Oh…so he is." Ron sighed.
Reagan tittered, watching Harry from a few feet away, standing in a group consisting of Bridgit, Fred, Angelina, George and Neville.
"Tee hee! Harry's quite the third wheel." Reagan watched avidly, much like when he watched his stories.
"Well, you are watching a loser, so think about that." Bridgit pointed out.
"I almost feel bad for the little brother." Fred shook his head.
"But not too bad." George added, which was why Bridgit and Cora liked him better.
The assembled group stood within a festive as hell Great Hall sipping eggnog. The massive tables were sleigh-shaped and loaded up with holiday food including, but not limited to, reindeer sausage and Santa's Pudding. (This pudding was a tradition dating as far back as Santa's use of elves. When they became sick or too old to work, they would be ground up and made into an authentic northern pudding. It tasted vaguely of sadness.) Most students were milling about popping Christmas crackers and playing a stupid magical party game that the Canadians didn't understand and didn't want to bother trying to. It involved switching hats that were bewitched with different personalities and was called "Life of the Party". It seemed to involve a lot of tears.
As the six sipped their drinks to pretend that this wasn't painfully boring, something of note finally occurred.
"Malfoy! Malfoy! Has anyone seen Malfoy?" A girl shouted as she passed.
"What's all this then?" Bridgit asked, approaching her.
"Well, normally I wouldn't talk to you because you're scum and all, but it's just that my date is Malfoy and he hasn't shown up yet, and I'm worried that something awful must have happened to him!" She wailed.
"Don't worry! Why, knowing him, he's probably still in the bathroom putting on his makeup." Bridgit tried to comfort her. "P'tang! P'tang!" She added, as she felt it appropriate.
"You're right!" Her face brightened. "Up yours, savage!" She offered her thanks as she wandered off to the punch bowl.
At that moment, Sammy and Fudgey entered the ball and there was a moment where all of the murmuring stopped and everyone looked at the two of
them.
Sammy was doing a great impersonation of a bombshell, sporting a floor-length black cocktail gown with a slit up the side in hopes of catching Reagan's eye and ending her own torment. She looked vaguely uncomfortable and quite miserable. Fudgey was wearing a simple tuxedo, a smidge too small for his…girth, adorned by his "Fudgey is Da King" cape. The two were certainly very attention-grabbing for various reasons. However, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that the two would look even better if Fudgey wasn't there. At their grand entrance, Sammy's face darkened further.
"Let's go get some punch!" Fudgey announced loudly so that the crowd would part for them. Then he punched someone in the face and laughed.
"Ha ha! Get it? Punch?"
"Oh my God." Everyone turned to look at the corpse that was left behind, assuming that this is what Reagan objected to. "Look at what he's wearing." He finished, marring everyone's hopes that he was the most human of the exchange students.
Sammy and Fudgey paused at the actual punch bowl, causing Sammy to wonder if that life-ending joke had actually been necessary. She usually appreciated violence, but Fudgey was just too horrid to look at so the gesture was not appreciated.
"Do you like punch, Fudgey?" She made small talk, hoping if it was dumb enough he would leave her.
"Only when it's someone else!" Fudgey snorted in laughter.
"Oh…I see." Her face fell a bit.
"Wow…he's a real…ummm…winner. Yeah, Reagan, I think you've got some pretty stiff competition over there. And I'm not just saying that because he bleached his cumber bunt to the point of boardification." Bridgit tried not to laugh as they stood and bore witness to Sammy's suffering from a safe distance.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Reagan looked coy.
"Best not give him any hint of direct competition given that he's territorial as an Australian scabby wollyhopper." Fred clapped Reagan good-naturedly
on the shoulder.
"Yeah, he'd probably sit on you. Then you'd die." George added.
"And he smells bad!" Bridgit didn't want to be left out of the verbal action.
"Out of the way! Belle of the ball coming through!" A familiar voice wafted through the delicate conversation.
"More like beast of the ball." A dry voice retorted.
"You'd better shut up, or I'm sticking you back in that room!" The other voice replied.
"That almost sounds like…" Bridgit began.
"Cora." Reagan finished.
"With a date!" George, Fred and Angelina chorused, looking aghast but at this point not actually looking.
"I thought you said she was lying to fake out Snape." Reagan looked confused.
"That's what I thought! She must have like, abducted and tortured someone!"
"Wait a second…that other voice sounds familiar…." Reagan suddenly realized with a jolt. "But it couldn't be. How could she have gained the utter obedience to accomplish such a thing?"
As the crowd was shoved out of the way, they saw Cora and her "date". Cora was dressed in a long, black and red gown, her hair up and a corsage on her wrist. She was accompanied by a platinum blond male, his hair seeming to have loosened up from being slicked back. He wore a matching crimson and black tuxedo that went very well with his red eyes.
"Dear God…" Bridgit breathed.
"What did you do to Moonmist?" Reagan looked appalled. "Did you transform him into a human? Just so you wouldn't look like a loser?"
"Shhh! His name is Aramus!" Cora hissed.
"Tch! You can't even come up with a good name when you're given a second chance." Moonmist, or Aramus, griped.
"Aramus…that sounds like Air Bus!" Bridgit giggled.
"It does not! My names are good!" Cora snapped. "And if anyone asks you, he's my boyfriend come from Canada! Okay?" There was such a manic look in her eyes that they were forced into compliance. Even Fred and George, who would love to play up something like that, realized it would be nothing short of suicide. Cora turned to Reagan.
"I bring you a gift, oh dateless one." She continued.
"Oh…how thoughtful." Reagan effectively masked his inner anxiety.
"Why don't you go see?" Cora smiled.
"Oh my GOD!" Reagan yelled, losing his composure as his doubts surfaced in a sinister black wave of horror. "You committed murder?" The ball suddenly fell silent and everyone turned to stare at him.
"…by slashing those already low prices to cut throat rates to give the customer a better deal!" Reagan finished lamely. "Now I can't pay my mortgage my kids won't have enough money to go to college." Everyone was disappointed due to the lack of scandal and returned to their regularly scheduled daily programming.
"Calm down. I didn't kill anyone. And I would never set you up with someone crappy like a Hogwarts student. Just think of what I have done as a favor that you are obligated to repay whenever I ask you to, no matter what it is." Cora smiled.
"Oh my, I don't think that I can accept something so binding, yet unasked for." Reagan moaned, fearing the unknown.
"Duh. That's why it's a favor." Cora rolled her eyes. "Come on out, Aravella!" She shouted, far too gleefully for anyone to feel safe.
The crowds parted and everyone gasped. Reagan went silent. He was saddened to his core. No one else really knew why because before him stood a very attractive young lady. She had long, white hair in an intricate braid, a white dress and monarch butterfly wings sticking out of the back of her bodice. Most curious were her blood red eyes. She waved at Reagan with a white, gloved hand.
"Hi, Reagan! I am for you!" The young woman waved at him some more.
Reagan looked dead inside.
Bridgit, having figured out that this was Tigerscry, laughed. She nudged Reagan in the ribs.
"Make sure you have her back by ten, okay?" She winked.
Without a second thought or glance, Reagan walked briskly out of the room.
"Worst favor ever." He seethed.
"He'll be back." Cora put her hands on her hips.
"Ummm…I don't think so." Bridgit sighed. "I'd be just as offended if you tried to pawn off a crappy, barely-thought-out sub-idea of forced slavery as a wonderful favor to me."
"I'm special!" Tigerscry cheered.
"Great…now I made this wondrous creation and no one will be her date for the evening. What a waste of my time." Cora grumped.
"Why don't we let Aramus and Aravella-"
"He's mine!" Cora cut Bridgit off mid-sentence.
"Besides, dorks aren't my type." Moonmist added.
While they had been exchanging witty repartee, everyone had failed to notice Neville talking to "Aravella" and, upon realizing this, hadn't the heart to tell him the person he was talking to wasn't really a person.
"Hey…ummm…are you that guy's cousin?" Neville pointed at "Aramus".
"Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things…we're all cousins!" Tigerscry smiled blankly.
"That's so true! Would you like to dance?"
"Okay! Now that I have two legs, that should be easy." Tigerscry giggled.
Neville, upon this rare stroke of good fortune, decided to ignore the chance that she might be anything other than human or humanoid and acceptably doink-able races.
The two left to go dance.
"They grow up so fast." Bridgit sniffed.
"Speaking of which, I don't see your 'date'." Cora said triumphantly. "Admit it! You lied to make me look bad. Well, who looks bad now?"
"Dobby is down here!" A voice well below her knees piped up.
Everyone looked down and, if possible, was consumed by an even greater horror than anything that had ever happened EVER in the history of Hogwarts.
"That grandma skin!" George shuddered.
"Those gaping eyes." Angelina felt pricklies all over.
"That grease-stained tuxedo sewed from some kind of second-hand robe." Fred couldn't avert his eyes.
"How long has it been here?" Cora gave Dobby an irritated glance.
"Dobby has been here the whole time, but Dobby didn't want to interrupt everyone's interesting conversation." Dobby smiled, irritating everyone.
"That's not a foreign exchange student!" Cora snapped at Bridgit.
"Yes he is! I mean, he's not a student at the school, but a student of the ways of humanity and freedom. In short, his different cultural upbringing makes him a wonderfully vapid exchange student." Bridgit smiled. "Isn't he cute?" She patted his head, causing his barely-contained eyes to bulge out further.
"Dobby wishes to experience dating! But only in a platonic sense because Dobby does not have a penis." Dobby explained.
"Well, I have to go now." Fred muttered, pulling George and Angelina away.
"But then how do you reproduce? Don't get me wrong, I think it would be awesome if you would all just die, but I'm just so painfully curious." Moonmist knelt down to look at Dobby like he was some kind of freak.
"Magic!" Dobby explained. "House elves have high level magic because we cannot have sex."
"Well I'll be. That's some power I could do without." Moonmist stood up again, prepared to ignore Dobby for the rest of the evening.
"Well, for the sake of appearances…let's all dance!" Cora commanded, not enjoying any part of this.
Frightened for their lives by her towering rage, everyone obeyed.
"So…Fudgey. I've noticed that this is your…third? Time taking this year." Sammy had turned on her bitch switch in a desperate attempt to throw Fudgey off the trail.
Fudgey pulled his face out of the turkey he had been eating and finished swallowing what he had in his mouth.
"Yup! They let me stay because I'm such an awesome keeper. Coach says as long as I eat a turkey a day, I won't get cut and I won't have to go to any practices. It's a win-win situation."
"Oh God." Sammy smiled like her soul had been ripped out of her body.
"Yes. Isn't it just wonderful for you to be in the presence of such monstrous talent?" Fudgey prompted.
"Why….yes. Monstrous is the word I would use."
"You look pretty tonight." Fudgey offered before diving back into his turkey.
"Oh, why thank you, Fudgey…I like your cape. It's very…monogrammed." Sammy, in the face of a compliment that was not socially deviant, was kind and replied with something neutral.
"Would you like to hear the story of where I got my cape?" Fudgey aked.
"God no." The less she learned about him the better.
"Well, I was with my family posse one time when we were in West Warwiskshirderbyville and we were visiting the History of British Magical Peoples Museum. They have good corndogs. Anyway, they had this exhibit about this Merlin guy who was I guess kind of important or something and he had this wicked awesome cape, only it was behind some sort of see-through barrier like a window…only bigger. So, I broke the window, and took the cape and drew on it to make it better. Whaddaya think?" He turned around, displaying the stolen and vandalized artifact of his people's past.
The once-magnificent black cape had the words "Fudgey is da King" spray-painted on the back with a little crappy picture of a crown. Sammy blanched.
"You stole a priceless artifact from a museum and drew all over it?"
"Yup! Aren't I awesome? That's why I'm da King! You know…if you wanted I could put you in line to become da Queen." He offered with a nudge nudge wink wink!
"Let's see if you live through this evening." Sammy restrained her fist of death, visibly shaking from the effort.
"Good, I hate long-term plans, too." He ripped the leg off of the turkey.
"Well, you seem to be busy with your…eating. I'm going to go…over there…now."
Sammy went to stand next to the enchanted jukebox, which was by far the most entertaining and least horrifying part of the evening.
"This just in," Professor Flitwick stood atop a pile of books on a chair, "the dance competition shall begin shortly. Anyone who wants to win a lame-ass faculty prize should report immediately to the dance floor. I would also like to add that my father, Yoda is in the audience and would appreciate it if you didn't step on him."
"Yes, Martin… Yoda. Come step down, now." Professor Sprout said gently, coaxing the slightly ill professor down from the podium.
"A competition!" Cora exploded. "I will win!"
"I will go and hide." Moonmist tried to slink away.
"If you do, I won't turn you back." Cora glared at him.
"A competition you say? Sounds ripping!" Moonmist changed his tune faster than a broken radio dial.
"Bridgit, good luck with your hideously short hideous dancing partner." George patted her on the back, secretly planting a device set to randomly shoot some products that he and Fred were field testing. He then washed his hand thoroughly.
"Miss Bridgit!" Dobby squeaked.
Bridgit looked down, stopping herself from almost stepping on him, and knelt down to politely listen to whatever horrid bat squeaking he had to say.
"Dobby, in the interests of exploring and understanding the magical British people's way of being adolescent, would like to request in all humility that he might be so bold as to perhaps call for the presence of your dancing person on that floor over there if you should perhaps be so inclined and polite and obliged as to accept Dobby's horrid, rude invitation."
"Well, that was a little blunt, but I know that you're still learning. I'm not sure how it will work, but why not?" Bridgit smiled.
"Dobby has come prepared for this eventuality." He conjured up a pair of stilts with shiny black shoes at the bottom.
Bridgit shrugged, completely indifferent, and they attempted to dance.
"Hmph!" Moonmist snorted. ~These kids all look like losers. It will be over even before it's begun…meaning it's over now.~
"Yes, we shall stomp them!" Cora added, as though she had read his mind.
And she did. Several children were injured by her pointy shoes, even though they weren't even in the dance competition.
And so began the Magical Happy Fun Dance Dance Party Competition for a bag of peanuts - non-salted peanuts because the salted kind was too expensive - began.
Reagan, having recovered from his brief shock born of indignation/rage/horror, returned to the ball, realizing he still had to watch Harry. He looked over to the corner of the room, where Harry was unmistakably playing the third wheel, forced between a sulking Ron and Hermione. They were fine. Scanning the room, he also noticed Sammy leaning against the enchanted jukebox, looking off into the distance. She appeared very lonely and forlorn, so Reagan decided to go say hi.
"Hey, Sammy? Where's Fudgey?" Reagan approached him.
"Dead, I hope." Sammy muttered.
"What?" Reagan looked at her in surprise, not at all disliking what she had said, but making a show of surprise anyway.
"He's a sorry excuse for a human being. And I just learned that he's more of a patronizer of the arts…" She sighed. "He destroyed an artifact to make his cape." She explained upon Reagan's blank gaze.
"I'm surprised you didn't hit him." Reagan offered.
"Me too. I discovered a whole new level of self control." She laughed softy at her little league joke. Remember people…baby steps.
"Are you sure? I heard he likes punch." Reagan replied with a beginner joke…a sense of humor was new to him.
"Thanks for the suggestion, Reagan, but I really shouldn't. Besides, with any luck after being on his training diet for the rest of the year he should be sterile." She sighed, hoping.
Reagan tastefully refrained from revealing what he thought of Fudgey.
"So…I guess your date's pretty much over, then." He said instead.
"Yes. And not a moment too soon. But how about you, Reagan? Harry seemed to be keen on you earlier." Sammy joked.
Reagan paused, trying to look bashful. "We're just not right for each other. And aside from no similar interests we have a little too much in common where anatomy is concerned."
They stood in silence, staring distractedly at the dancers, both thinking intently in the silence of their minds. Somehow they didn't notice the grotesque sight of Bridgit and Dobby trying to dance together.
"Aramus…bogey at six o'clock." Cora whispered to Moonmist.
"Gotcha. He doesn't know what's coming." Moonmist grinned.
As the couple they were dancing towards finally came within reach, Moonmist's cape, of its own free will, wrapped itself around the dancing guy's neck, obscuring his eyes.
"Argh! I can't see!" He communicated his problem to the world.
Then he tripped over his own feet and landed heavily on the stone floor, shattering his pelvis and disqualifying himself and his partner from the competition. As he screamed in pain, his date hit him for screwing everything up. Cora allowed herself a smile of victory. Five down, four to go.
Bridgit and Dobby danced carefully and slowly like an elderly couple so that Dobby wasn't horribly injured or maimed. As they tried, Fred and George's dispenser shot out a random pellet that landed in a girl's open-toed shoe. Moments later, it erupted into a fit of smoke that obscured the young man that the girl was dancing with. The girl coughed, trying to blow the smoke aside. Once it had cleared, the young man was wearing a tuxedo identical to that of the closest boy to him. Looking at his clothes, he began to cry.
"Now I look like Ron!" He ran from the room, disqualifying himself and his partner in the process.
And the blatant cheating went on. Malfoy, one of the remaining contestants, tried to make small talk with his date.
"It's not that father can't afford peanuts, it's just that I want to take them away from someone whose father can't. Like Weasley over there." He pointed to George. "Or Weasley over there." He pointed to Fred. "And the other ones." He waved dismissively at the rest of the room, assuming it contained several more Weasleys.
"Oh Malfoy, you're so brave." His date cooed.
They were suddenly struck at ramming speed by Aramus and Cora. Managing to recover, Malfoy sneered at them.
"Stupid mud wizard." He growled.
"What does that even mean?" His date asked.
"That I'm better than she is." Malfoy replied as he suddenly turned into a hippo.
"Shriek!" His date screamed and then ran away.
"Good shot, other people who are cheating!" Cora cheered, unaware of who it was. She secretly planned to take them out next, as they were obviously a threat.
"Looks like we're the only two couples left! And the music for the competition is almost over. Who will win?" Bridgit narrated.
"Dobby has to go to the bathroom." Dobby wobbled on his stilts.
"Look, Reagan, there's something I wanted to tell you that involves a startling confession." Sammy began.
"Me too, actually." Reagan admitted.
"Really?" Sammy was befuddled.
"Yeah. I think you know what I'm about to say." Reagan added.
"Oh, I never thought that you-"
"I am observant too, you know. I mean, it is pretty obvious."
"Yeah…I guess it's not as subtle as I thought it was…" Sammy blushed.
"That music…there's something wrong with it!" Reagan finished.
There was a moment of silence for dear Sammy's departed hopes. Then another for her dreams. May they rest in peace.
"Do you think the jukebox is broken? It sounds off-pitch." Reagan poked at a knob.
"Hey! Don't play with those knobs! We only have one left!" Filch spat at them, unveiling his yellow teeth.
Reagan and Sammy, in a display of assimilation, had already learned that they didn't need to pay attention to Filch, so they didn't.
"The knob is me." Filch whimpered, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
"Anyway, onto the more important matter of something possibly being almost amiss…" Sammy sighed in annoyance.
"Well, I don't think it's that important. It's just a little unsettling is all; you know, a little conflicted. It almost sounds like there are two songs being played over top of each other." Reagan tried to shift attention back to not Filch.
"Wait a minute! Maybe there are two songs being played on top of each other. Let's just see what happens when we turn off the music input like this…" Sammy turned the only knob that worked.
"Gahhhh! My baby! It was unwed!" Filch collapsed.
The dominant melody that had been playing faded away into oblivion. What was left was an unmistakably terrifying underbelly melody.
"The Stradivarius spell!" Violet shrieked from where she stood from where she had been eavesdropping on the two for gossip fodder.
Everyone immediately broke out into a mass panic. Taking advantage of the confusion, Fred and George decided to make things worse by doing some sudden and rapid consumer testing. Chucking pellets of goodness knows what into the fray, their only measurable success was increasing the terror from yellow to red as afflicted people were enveloped in clouds of colored smoke.
"By my tusks, this is the worst dance ever!" A random human-turned-elephant commented as he/she/it smashed through a wall.
"Quick! Destroy the jukebox!" Cora yelled.
"It's always destruction with you." Sammy sighed. "Explodeus!" A fire ball engulfed the jukebox and everyone had to shield their faces from the heat of the impressive back lash while Sammy smirked triumphantly.
"Another crisis averted by- What?"
"I think you averted it, Sammy." Bridgit answered what she assumed was Sammy's rhetorical question.
"No! That was a cry of disbelief at the jukebox's still being aliveness!" Sammy spluttered using creative adjectives in her shock. With the smoke from the blast clearing it was obvious that the jukebox had been unaffected. The Stradivarius song continued to play.
"It must be protected by some kind of force field spell." Reagan deduced.
"Dobby will stop it! Dobby has more powerful magic than everyone. And if it will save Dobby's beloved school, then Dobby is willing to sacrifice all!" He shouted in passion.
Everyone was largely unmoved and felt no guilt that they treated him so badly.
"FOR LOOOOOOVE!" Dobby screamed as he ran on his gangly stilts. He leapt onto the jukebox and latched onto it with his gross little house elf hands. "!" He screamed a hideously piercing battle cry as he used all of his magic to self-destruct.
As the breeze settled, the heat subsided, and all of the house elf parts came unstuck from the ceiling, it became increasingly clear to everyone that his sacrifice had been in vain. Thus ended the only house elf who had dared to not be treated like garbage. He was not mourned. Not even by Hermione since she was only into activism to meet hot guys.
"My word. It appears they are in need of some assistance." Dumbledore noted, secretly pleased to have all of his house elf labour back down to free. "Minerva, please go help them while I tend to Severus. He also appears to be in need."
Professor McGonagall nodded curtly and went to assist the exchange students whilst the less-important staff members evacuated the student body. Dumbledore continued to laugh at Snape, who had been hit by a pellet of Fred and George's. He had sprouted a rather sporting pair of mountain ram horns, thereby causing him a painful dilemma.
"Curses! The horns work wonders for my evil image, but now I'm immobilized. Why must I choose? Why?" He cried in despair from the floor from which he could not rise due to the weight of the horns. Ah, the dilemma indeed.
"You're not very threatening if you can't move." Dumbledore offered his sage advice.
"Good call old man… I mean headmaster." Snape concurred. "But I'll be crying myself to sleep for at least the next week. Now will you maybe help me get rid of these?"
"Not yet." Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eyes.
Professor McGonagall kicked the plot out of its rut by raising her wand.
"Exuere Arcaae!" McGonagall tried to dispel the barrier.
However the red beam that shot forth from her wand rebounded violently with a loud CRACK and hit her in the forehead, knocking her from her feet.
"I'll take care of her. You guys figure out how to get rid of that thing! We don't have much time left because Snape wasted a good three minutes of plot time griping about his damn horns!" Reagan rushed to the fallen Professor's side.
"That's easier said than done! This force field is the work of science!" Bridgit growled, confused.
"Well if magic doesn't work then I'll try smashing it the old fashioned way!" Cora aimed a mighty, mighty kick at the jukebox.
Upon connecting with an unseen barrier, Cora was thrown backwards into a wall. At that moment Professor Summersong ran up to Tigiris and Sammy.
"Look, any violence you direct towards that thing will be deflected back onto you." She said breathlessly.
"Couldn't you have told us before Cora got blown up?" Bridgit looked sadly back at her friend.
"No. I've noticed she's more of a kinesthetic learner. She learns by doing, not by listening." Summersong said with a straight face.
"Okay, what should we do?" Sammy demanded.
"Well, Bridgit, think back to the last time you were faced with this problem." Professor Summersong began.
"Ah Crap. I hate it when everyone's lives rest on my shoulders. I thought that was why Sammy was the leader!" Bridgit griped.
"Stop complaining and focus!" Sammy snapped.
"Think of what you did to destroy the spell last time." Professor Summersong persisted.
"Um, You clearly already know the answer, so maybe instead of asking leading questions that revolve around educating you should tell us the answer so that we don't all die." Bridgit suggested.
"The answer was your intent. Observe. I feel that this room really needs a skylight!" She smiled pointing her wand towards the ceiling. "Collabi!"
A substantial chunk of stone tumbled from the roof and crushed the jukebox into splinters. The melody ceased and the only eyesore in the room aside from Snape was destroyed.
"Oh! I get it. Last time when I smashed the violin, it was by accident because I was "resuscitating" Professor Snape." Bridgit realized the answer.
"Who taught you first aid anyway? The French?" Snape growled, insulting his hated nemeses. But that's another story.
"So as long as the intent wasn't to destroy the jukebox, whatever else you did would penetrate the shield. It was all about intent!" Bridgit continued ignoring Snape.
"Exactly! I'm so happy when education succeeds." Professor Summersong beamed.
"It appears I had a brain twin." Dumbledore sighed, referencing book 1. "Or rather, this was a brilliant mockery left as a calling card. I'm afraid the culprit behind this was Lord Voldemort."
"Oh my word!" Professor McGonagall sat up groggily. "That is terrible news! But we must never tell the students."
"Yes. Never tell the students." Dumbledore echoed.
It went without saying that Sammy, Reagan, Bridgit, and Cora were not only not students but also unlikely to leak this vital information. They had no real friends anyway now that Dobby was dead.
"Now Severus, about those horns…" Dumbledore took out his wand.
"Noooo!" Snape cried at the prospective loss of his newly beloved horns.
However, he needed mobility to ruin everyone else's lives. So with mournful sobs he sacrificed his horns for the greater good of evil.