Chapter Nineteen: Ron and Hermione Hook Up

"Christmas is coming!"

"Christmas is coming!"

"Christmas is here!"

"Today!"

"I wanna pony."

"Shut up." Sammy moaned and rolled over, not wanting to deal with these distasteful Christmas fairies.

"But I want presents!" Cora demanded with a spritely and yet threatening chuckle.

"I wanna pony!" Bridgit voiced her innermost desire of the minute. "Now I wanna gumshoe."

"Wow! Look!" Cora pointed.

"Presents!" Bridgit squealed in delight.

"You are supposed to be sleeping!" A high-pitched voice wailed.

A brigade of house elves froze while walking through the door, caught in the act and breaking the illusion of Hogwarts being a slavery-free establishment. Don't worry - it's not slavery… because they like it.

The dorm residents had left their Christmas presents needing delivery in a giant, unorganized heap in the middle of the room. The house elves, clearly having better things to do, were forced to sort them into smaller piles by recipient. Some piles were large and others were pitifully small.

"This one doesn't have a name in it!" One of the house elves moaned in frustration.

"This one contains dangerous magical devices." Another elf noted, before neutralizing and destroying the present.

One elf looked exceedingly sad. "This one contains poo."

Once the Christmas sorting had finished, the piles of presents and house elves all disappeared with a loud crack.

"Where's our presents?" Cora demanded.

"They still have to deliver them. Didn't you listen to anything at the banquet?" Sammy muttered.

"Since when do we listen to anything anyone says ever?" Bridgit said pointedly.

"Right. I'm going to sleep. Please don't wake me until the morning." Sammy sighed, trying in vain to fluff her pillow.

Sammy, the poor fool, fell asleep once more…only to be awoken two hours later.

"Okay! It's morning now!" Bridgit pointed to her watch.

"Get up! Get up! Get up!" Cora quipped.

"No…it's too early. It's six in the morning."

"Hey guys! Christmas is here!" They heard Ron's voice through the wall.

"Yeah I know! Isn't it great?" Bridgit shouted back.

"Yeah! People gave me stuff this year! I guess it pays to have non-welfare friends!" Ron hurrahed.

"I guess I should get up." Sammy sighed, figuring it would be better to have an afternoon nap than try to sleep through hurricane Dumb and Dumber.

"Hurray!" The two cheered, ripping the presents out of the hands of the approaching house elf Christmas task force, and set to their presents with a vengeance.

They had obtained brand new outfits. It was Reagan's way of subtly telling them their clothes were ugly. Thankfully, the two really took a shine to the new clothes, so Reagan didn't have to out and tell them why they had received that particular gift.

"Wow! This new coat is awesome! It's white, it has tails and I can stab Bridgit with the pointy metal bits." Cora spun around in a circle, hitting Bridgit in the eyes.

"Ow! Why Reagan, WHY?" Bridgit wailed.

"Oh, Cora, do try to get along. It's Christmas." Sammy laughed at her young friend.

"Christmas is over! I already got my presents." Cora huffed.

"But what about next year?" Bridgit blinked to clear her eyes.

"What part of I'll cross that bridge when I come to it don't you understand?" Cora sighed.

"Well…my skirt is way more form fitting than your stupid jacket! I'm gonna attract all the hot boys." Bridgit crossed her arms.

"What hot boys?" Cora snickered.

Bridgit hung her head.

"I am sad."

Reagan, eavesdropping through the wall, smiled, happy to have brought them joy. It sure paid to know how to sew…magically!

Aware that they were all awake, the four then quickly reconvened in the common area to open presents together, free of gender division.

"Hey, you didn't get me leaves this year! You got me this snappy new head band!" Cora said to Sammy, snapping it at Bridgit's face.

"Ah! And all I have to defend myself with is this head bandana." Bridgit sobbed.

"Now let's see what I get this year." Reagan smiled, grabbing a nearby package as a distraction. Bridgit and Cora instantly stopped fighting and began to bounce in anticipation.

"Oh! How splendid. It's a turkey vase. This will be great for thanksgiving. And I'll put in especially pretty flowers because it's just that special." He didn't mention that maybe the flowers would make it feel less ugly.

"Now open mine!" Cora pressed.

"All right! Let's see what we have here." Reagan unwrapped the box and took out Cora's art. "Oh. It's a…."

"A cup!" Cora cheered, thankfully filling in the blank.

"Yes. And what a lovely cup it is. I'll use it to feed my baby tarantula in Care of magical creatures because it's too fat." He searched for some plausible use.

"Yay! We win at being nice!" Cora cheered.

"Look! Trex got us a present. And it's really big, but we have to share it. Let's open it now." Bridgit suggested, reading the tag of a large present they had brought from their room.

Before anyone could intervene on Reagan's behalf and save the wrappings, she savagely shredded the paper off of the large burlap sack. Her face lit up and Reagan's smile gained the added depth of repressed neuroticism.

"Donner Flakes!" Bridgit cheered.

"I LOVE Donner Flakes." Cora competed with her enthusiasm.

"Stupid reindeer." Sammy grinned.

"It reminds us of our forced labour vacations on the reindeer farm." Cora reminisced.

"Donner Flakes make us healthy!" Bridgit beamed, taking in the scent of ground-up left-over reindeer parts mixed with oats.

"Well, I guess it's my turn." Reagan smiled, changing the subject. "This one's from Sammy."

He deliberately unwrapped the paper such that he didn't rip it at all. He was one of those people who saved wrapping paper, even if the present is wrapped in a newspaper. He slid a small box out and opened the lid. His eyes widened in surprise. Nested in the forest green velvet box was a lovely man-bracelet made of finest aquamarine, custom made to match his single man-earring. Accessorizing is certainly not just for girls.

"Oh my!" He smiled, putting it on.

"It looks expensive!" Bridgit peered at it.

"I don't think she would have spent that much on it." He tittered, then caught himself and grunted in a somewhat manly way.

"Makes our presents look like crap." Cora muttered.

"And this one's from Harry to Reagan. House elves must have messed up. It's a big, pink, heart-shaped banjo with crystal rhinestones glued on it. I wonder why he would get you something like a banjo." Sammy wondered aloud, staring at the gaudy, pink, heart-shaped, rhinestone monstrosity.

"Oh. We told him Reagan played the banjo." Cora fessed up.

"Why?"

"I dunno. Sometimes I just do things."

Sammy shook her head. "Idiots."

"Let's give Sammy her present!" Bridgit leapt up, charged with excitement. "We hid it in Reagan's room so you wouldn't find it and so the house elves wouldn't take it back to its rightful owner!"

"Wait, what?"

Bridgit and Cora were off like a shot before anyone could make sense of what had just happened.

Not worried about running in on some poor, scantily-clad young man (as only three boys were staying over Christmas break in Gryffindor house), they barged into the room like a veritable monsoon. The Christmas weather was turbulent indeed. Taking a leap, Bridgit flew through the air to land on Reagan's bed.

"Ooof!" Cora, not used to planning, had landed on top of Bridgit.

"Get up! It's just under the bed!" Cora shouted.

"I think you broke my spleen." Bridgit moaned.

"…Merry Christmas!" Cora laughed.

"I think that wins for worst Christmas present ever" Sammy sighed, folding her arms across her ample chest as she and Reagan brought up the rear. "I'd have to ask you to give me the gift of silence and not pain."

"No! We got you this!" Cora shoved a package, crappily wrapped in the rolled up parchment you were supposed to use for assignments, into Sammy's face.

"We wrapped it ourselves!" Bridgit gwaffawed. "No house elf labour for your present!"

"How lovely." Sammy became dry like a harsh and barren Snape as Reagan smiled and said,

"How lovely."

With all the fury of a raging river, Sammy tore open the package like a hungry wolf would tear open another nature simile that represents the present. She stared at its contents in confusion. Then she raised an eyebrow.

"What the hell?"

She held in her hands a black cape. It read: "Sammy is da King." She could only surmise that they had sprayed over Fudgey's name with black spray paint and then sprayed on her own name. She sighed. Now if anyone else ever figured out whose cape this was, the blame for its horrendous defacement would lie squarely on her shoulders. What a wonderful present.

"Thank you." She said stiffly, caught between joy at Fudgey's loss and sadness at her own future incarceration.

Reagan frowned.

"You were the ones who stole Fudgey's cape? Then I can only imagine it's your fault that he ate his duck and dueled Harry!"

"Hey! Why would you automatically jump to that conclusion?" Cora was offended.

"Ate the duck? I said to put it on a diet and for him to duel Sammy!" Bridgit spluttered. "Now part two of our Christmas present to Sammy is ruined!"

Sammy was simultaneously touched at the effort they had gone to for her and horrified at the extent to which they would go to cause someone she disliked bodily harm. Could they be sociopaths?

"I hope he ate it a l'orange. Peking is over-rated." Cora sighed.

"I dunno," Bridgit looked pensive for a moment. "If it were me, I'd wanna go a la King."

No…they were just stupid.

"We had to track him down and run halfway over creation to make sure that Harry didn't get killed during that duel!" Reagan, strangely shifting roles with Sammy, berated the two.

"Well…not like Fudgey actually stood a chance." Sammy admitted.

"You two are supposed to be protecting him. Not putting him directly into harm's way!" Reagan continued.

"No, no. Snape's our responsibility now. Harry's your problem." Bridgit corrected him, as if trying to bring up something that would help the situation.

"Hey! Wait a minute! Where's my present from you?" Cora interjected, turning to Bridgit.

"Oh yeah!" She started rifling through her pockets. "The house elves didn't wrap it for some reason…" She muttered.

"Gimme! Gimme! It must have been too good for them to touch with their grubby little fingers!" Cora perked up instantly, like a cup of NaBob's.

"Here you go! I thought it was pretty!" Bridgit offered forth a rock of epic proportions. Well…not really. It was just a rock.

"Oh, is my face red! I got you the exact same present." Cora laughed a bit and handed Bridgit an ugly, lumpy rock.

"It's so beautiful!" Bridgit breathed, petting her new rock. "I'll go put it with the other ones you gave me." She shoved it back into her pocket.

"I promise to use my present well." Cora sagely informed her friend.

Then, she chucked it at the back of Ron, who was also in the room now.

"Oww! Crickey!" Ron rubbed his bottom. "What did you do that for?"

"It's tradition. The first rock of the year must be thrown at someone." Cora hastily made something up.

"At someone who is a new friend." Bridgit added, and threw her rock at him as well.

"OW! Stop it!" Ron started crying.

"But it's not the New Year's yet." Harry, who is also there now, pointed out.

"It is in Canada." Cora lied.

"Oh…" Harry hung his head, saddened that they seemed to like Ron better than him.

"If you guys were ever given truth serum, you'd be so screwed." Sammy sighed. "Although, that will make up for part two." She whispered to the two of them.

"Tee hee!" Bridgit and Cora giggled, happy to have given the best present ever.

"Let's see what I got from Reagan!" Sammy grabbed the present from him and tore it open, not even bothering to admire the beautiful floral wrapping paper. Reagan died a little on the inside. "A new pair of boots!"

Sammy took a look at the shiny leather pair of foot protectors.

"But my old boots are fine." She protested.

"Ummm…" Reagan chose to ignore the decrepit state of Sammy's old boots. "But these ones have steel toes!"

The boots, previously a handsome shade of dark brown had become light tan with dirt and damaged leather. The shoelaces were completely unraveled and the only things keeping them together were hopes and dreams. In fact, only the memory of Sammy's feet ingrained into the souls of the boots themselves were keeping them on her feet. They also smelled vaguely of the great outdoors, but mostly of mud. The rubber bottoms were partially detached, causing her to be easily identified by the annoying squeaking and flapping as she sauntered by.

"Hmmm. That is pretty cool and I sure could use those." Sammy admitted, remembering many a foot-stomping administered by Bridgit and Cora, Doctors of pain.

"Well, I guess we should head out for breakfast now." Reagan suggested. "Give me a moment to put on my new man-bracelet and powder my nose."

"Pfft! Yeah right!" Bridgit laughed, heading out. "There's food to be eaten."

"We'll save you a spot." Sammy offered apologetically as they departed.

Reagan hid a bemused chuckle as the three left. They were some kinda womenfolk.

A few minutes later our justice friends were all assembled at the breakfast table to enjoy an even more ridiculous feast than usual. Cora was poring through a book while eating breakfast. It was called "The King of the Smurfs" and was about a Smurf who took over the village after Papa Smurf left on a trip. Said smurf ruled with an iron fist. The large print and pictures made it particularly easy to understand.

"Wow. This book really speaks to me." She continued reading, amazed at the depths contained within its earthen pages.

"This book isn't exactly a barrel of stupidness either." Bridgit poured through Plato's "Theaetetus", although the book was upside-down.

"That's right…" Cora patted her friend on the head. It was cute when she pretended to retain things.

"Oooh! Porridge!" Bridgit reached for a bowl of porridge that Ron was eating.

"Oy! That's mine!" Ron tugged back to defend his breakfast.

"Here Bridgit! Over here! Look what I have with me." Reagan held up a steaming bowl of healthy goodness.

"DONNER FLAKES!" Bridgit cheered, and descended upon the bowl.

"It's just like the old days." Reagan sighed. "They seem to get dumber every time they're around food."

"Can't talk. Eating." Sammy clutched her bowl of cereal ever closer in a possessive gesture.

"I'm just going to keep eating my grapefruit." Reagan sighed.

Suddenly, a large envelope fell on his head.

"Ugh! Stupid post owls." Reagan muttered, begrudgingly offering some sickles to the damn bird.

"Who's it from?" Harry, the only one not turned stupid by eating (because he was starved so much as a child) queried.

"It's from my family!" Reagan's face lit up.

"Family? But I thought surely only such a being could have come to be by the hands of angels." Harry attempted to profess his undying love with a pick-up line he had read in The Daily Prophet Sun edition.

However, Reagan ignored him, having started reading the letter.

"Oh…I'm so lonely." Harry whimpered.

"Don't worry, Harry!" Hermione consoled him.

"Yeah, you've got us." Ron offered a dashing, cheerful smile.

Hermione gasped, looking at Ron in shock and amazement.

"That's exactly what I was going to say." She breathed.

"It's like we have some sort of connection." Ron stared at the young woman before him, wide-eyed.

Pushing Harry out of the way, Ron stole his seat and began a fierce game of tonsil hockey with Hermione. Harry climbed dejectedly into Ron's former seat.

"Only the good and beautiful die young." He tried to make himself feel better.

"But then won't Hermione and Ron live together happily ever after because they're both ugly and you won't be there to bother them?" Cora followed his train of logical thought to its natural conclusion.

"Ow!" His eyes watered.

"Don't worry, Harry!" Bridgit tried to help in Ron fashion. "You're not beautiful. At all."

Like Ron's help, it also did nothing to better the situation.

"So, Reagan, how's your family doing?" Sammy changed the subject, taking the thick rope Harry was using to tie a hangman's knot away from him.

"Oh, my Mom's feeling better! The new medicine seems to be working this time. Dad couldn't be happier. This is the first time our family has had a real holiday ever since the illness. He is home for all of Christmas and New Year's. And my brothers Willi-yum and Stephauughn made a special present for Mom together. It's nice to see that they're getting along for once. And look! They sent a picture."

She held up a picture of garden slugs. There was a moment of stunned silence during which Hermione and Ron stopped freeing their repressed passions for each other and Harry's spoon dropped from his mouth, making a mess on his bib.

"Har har har!" Bridgit, feeling nostalgic, reverted to pirate laughter.

"Oh Reagan, your family's so funny." Cora giggled.

"Yeah. That 'What If' machine is priceless." Sammy slapped her knee.

"Yeah! This garden slug picture is even better than the time they made a picture of 'what if we were British'!" Reagan stopped suddenly, remembering where he was. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked affronted. "Did I say British? I meant French!"

"Ha ha ha!" The two Hs and one R laughed.

"Stupid French people!" Hermione rubbed tears from her eyes.

"I'm French-Canadian." Sammy muttered through clenched teeth.

"Let it go, Sammy." Cora patted her shoulder. "It's just the history talking."

"Pfft! Whatever." Sammy sulked.

"Hey! Did you get any letters from family?" Ron piped up, emerging from his pile of family letters that had just been delivered by a fleet of post owls.

"Yeah! Everyone gets letters on Christmas." Hermione prompted, causing Harry to start crying.

"No." Cora glared.

"We don't have any." Bridgit added.

"Any what? Letters or family?" Harry whimpered, looking in the wrong place for a support group.

"Both."

"Me neither! Group hug!" Harry dove at them.

Bridgit and Cora leapt nimbly out of the way and Harry got a heaping helping of cobblestone creamed corn.

"Ow my teeth!" Harry moaned.

"They look better now." Sammy muttered under her breath, still bitter about the French joke.

"I love Christmas. The spirit of giving and joy should be with all of us." Reagan pretended to naturally say. He was then ignored.

Suddenly, his hair turned oatmeal coloured and assumed a lumpy texture as a bowl was over turned on his head by some spectral force.

"Ugh!" Reagan wiped the oatmeal dripping on his face off.

"He he he he he did it!" Peeves laughed/blamed someone else from where he had hid himself in a chandelier.

"PEEVES!" Sammy leapt to her feet. "Pyxisidis reteis!"

"Now if only you'd tried that several hundred years ago. Then it would have worked." Peeves laughed rudely. "As it is, I feel mildly violated. I'm leaving!" Peeves offered an unusually eloquent farewell, but fell back to his old style of humor as he farted loudly on the way out.

Bridgit and Cora stood abruptly, knocking the chairs they had been sitting on over.

"We have to go do something now." Cora looked frighteningly serious.

"Take care of the little ones." Bridgit threw a napkin at the oatmeal-covered Ron and Harry (they were wresting for half a pimento loaf).

Sammy shook her head, not happy at all.

"This does not bode well."