(See the first chapter for disclaimer, notes, spoilers, etc.)
Chapter 18: "Lambs"
Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
- Dante Alighieri
My fist pounds on the door of the hotel suite, unrelenting. The exhaustion of not sleeping for the last two days has turned to adrenaline, fueling this late night visit. The hallway is empty, but my pounding fills the silence. I don't feel my knuckles crack against the door. I don't feel the pain shooting down my arm. I only feel her words.
Your son needs you.
Sean took Trey home after he was discharged.
Cole resumed his vigil next to Caitlin's hospital bed.
Colin took Olivia to their suite at the hotel.
Your son needs you.
The door swings open, Colin's face a mask of anger. And, I push past him, not wanting to hear it. "Where's Olivia!"
"Gregory, not now." The door slams shut behind him and he turns to face me. "She's asleep."
"Wake her!" I hiss, glaring at him.
But, his face only darkens as he shakes his head. "With the time change, she hasn't slept in-"
"Get her out HERE!"
"You haven't the right to demand anything of her in years!" he retorts, stepping towards me.
Your son needs you.
"I'm not leaving," I growl, "until I see her. She's the mother of my children. Get. Her. Out. Here." His mouth parts to reply as his glare crackles between us. But, I won't move. My heart races as I breath heavily, my fists tight. There's no way that I can- there's no way she can expect me to-
"Colin," a quiet voice says. And, I spin around.
I gaze up at the ceiling, listening to the pounding on the door. I knew he would come. Colin said he watched me with Caitlin. He had to have heard what I said, what I promised her. A moment later, Gregory's angry voice replaces the banging and I listen to him argue with Colin.
She's asleep.
Colin knows I'm not. Oh, he desperately wants me to sleep. But, I can't. I can't close my eyes without remembering the way Trey looked, wrapped in that blue and white plaid blanket. The way he so easily slipped from my arms as Annie took him. The way I reached out, begging her to bring him back.
I push myself up, breathing hard, as my head throbs. I don't think I'll ever be able to close my eyes again. I feel these memories so clearly. They flicker before me like a movie, burned into me like a brand. I don't remember what the last six years felt like. The last six years without them. There's only a before and after.
She's the mother of my children.
My silk robe whistles as I stand from the bed, walking in silence through the dark bedroom. The door gives easily, pale light spilling in. I blink, my hand against the doorjamb as I sigh, "Colin."
My husband looks up, his face falling from anger to sadness as he sees me. Gregory turns, his eyes wild. He's breathing heavily, his chest heaving as he stalks over to me. I sigh as his hand wraps around my arm, shaking me. "I heard you," he spits out, his eyes dark, "but I don't believe you. How could you say that ridiculous thing to Caitlin?"
Her eyes flicker up to me as her face turns. Her fingers dig into my hand, pulling it away from her arm. "It wasn't ridiculous," she insists, walking past me.
But, I spin around, grabbing her arm again and pulling her against my chest. "That boy is OURS!" I roar, but she barely flinches. It's the first time I've yelled at her since we divorced, but she takes it like she's heard it every day for the last six years.
Her face melts, her lips curving into a frown as she shakes her head. "Caitlin will keep her child," she says softly.
No.
No.
NO.
I shake my head furiously, rage boiling in me. I grip her shoulders, ignoring the way my hands tremble. "That is our child! Yours and mine! We made him!" I watch the way her face flushes as she pushes my hands away.
My heart pounds as I shove his hands from my shoulders. "That night on the sofa? After Del died?" I inhale softly as his eyes harden. And, I tremble, remembering.
The way he grunted as he gripped me to him. The way I gasped as I threw myself into his arms, kissing him with abandon. The way he shoved me to the sofa, the buttons popping as he ripped open his shirt. The way I pulled at his belt, my legs around him. The way his hot breath felt against my neck. The way my back arched, the leather ripping away from my body. The way he barely spared me a second glance as he quietly walked away.
"When you just left me there?" I continue as his arms fall to his sides.
I feel Colin watching me, lingering off to the side like a quiet spectator. But, isn't he? My husband is a mere witness to this unholy tragedy, watching as it unfolds before him.
My arms fall limply as I watch her. Her damp hair curls around her face, her eyes bright against her flushed complexion. Her silk robe flutters as her entire body trembles and her voice cracks as she asks, "What will we do, Gregory, if we take him? Please tell me. Are we going to share custody?"
I grimace and look away, listening as the pitch of her voice rises sharply. Colin's riveted to her, following her with his eyes as she stands before me, pleading. "Six months with me in London? Six months with you in Sunset Beach? A little boy's life can't be shared as easily as Caitlin and Sean alternate Christmas between us!"
"Olivia," I begin, but she plows ahead, her eyes wide as her throat works.
"Or, perhaps you'll just take custody because God knows your ego would NEVER let me raise our child with my husband thousands of miles AWAY FROM YOU!"
"ENOUGH!" I bellow, but she barely flinches.
He shoves me aside and moves to the large windows overlooking the marina. It's eerily quiet and a sad thought whispers from the dark corner of my mind. I gasp, my hand slowly coming to my mouth.
No.
No.
He couldn't.
Surely, he couldn't think that things could just go back to the way they were all those years ago? Before we lost Trey? When we were happy?
"Oh, Gregory," I murmur and I see him flinch. Slowly, he turns his head, looking over his shoulder. Our eyes meet and my heart constricts, seeing that very thought reflected in his eyes. My shoulders collapse as my trembling hand falls to the base of my throat as I sigh his name.
We can't. Too much has-
We just can't.
She watches me sadly, tears brimming in her eyes as she stands across from me. A new weight settles in my chest, realizing the futility of it all. But, how that didn't stop me from wondering, if just for a moment, that she...that we...might...
I would give it all up. The new life I've built with Alex over the last two years, the peace I share with her, the love I feel for her, if it meant having Olivia and our son with me.
But, we can't go back. Time doesn't stop.
Her face falls, my name but a whispered sigh on her lips. My expression hardens, a glare replacing the longing as I shake my head. She'll never ask me for that. "That boy belongs with his parents," I insist.
I watch, a cleaver cracking open my chest as her expression melts. A moment later, she slowly shakes her head, holding my exposed heart in her hands. "He's with the only parents he knows," she says softly. And, the beating muscle disintegrates into dust, falling through her fingers.
"Do you know what it will to do that child if we take him away?" I murmur, a hard lump settling in my throat. His eyes narrow, like he doesn't want to listen. But, he has to. "That sweet and innocent boy will be destroyed if we upturn his life. We are barely coping. How do you expect him to?"
"We are his PARENTS, Liv!"
I flinch, closing my eyes as the pet name washes over me. I haven't heard that in years. Once, long ago, in the beginning of our relationship, Colin innocently called me that. One syllable that had the power to turn the moment on its tail. What did he see on my face that made him recoil and apologize so profusely? Pain? Numbness?
Colin never called me Liv again. But, Gregory? Liv would always be his.
He rushes to me, gripping my forearms as he shakes me. "You expect me to let Cole Deschanel raise my son? I can't! I won't!"
She looks up at me, her blue eyes dulled with tears as she smiles sadly. "You loved your grandson two days ago when you thought Cole was his father," she says softly. She watches me carefully as I throw her arms away. "Do you love Trey more now that he's not?"
Blinding rage consumes me and I exhale deeply, running my hand through my hair. But, she only continues to gaze at me, waiting for a reply. But, I can't. I won't. "You're not thinking! How can you give him up?" I snap, watching her eyes fall.
"I- We gave him up years ago," she murmurs and I see a tremor go through her. "I grieved that child. I blamed myself for his death. You blamed me for his death. I tried to kill myself. Twice." Her sob echoes loudly in the room and I see Colin go to her, his hands on her shoulders. She leans back against him, a tear rolling down her cheek. "But, everything that child is today is because Caitlin is his mother."
Her declaration crescendos to a sob, the pained word sparkling like a diamond against black velvet.
"And, I love him enough," I say, my voice shaking, watching the heartbreak on his face, "to not destroy that. Because if we take him, that's exactly what we will do."
Colin sighs behind me, his chest warm. Since we left Trey's room at the hospital, he's known this moment was coming. Does he feel the agony eating me alive? Does he hear the boulder in my throat? His hands cup my shoulders as Gregory weakly insists, "But, we didn't give him up. He was taken."
I shake my head sadly, listening to him fight. But, his voice falls as he watches me with shining eyes. "Can you do it Caitlin? Again?" I ask softly. Our eyes meet, an unspoken question dancing in the gaze.
Can you take another child from her?
Slowly, I step away from Colin, my bare feet curling on the imported rug. "After we nearly lost her the first time? After she found out?"
Olivia stands before me, her expression grim as she pleads, "I failed her so many times, Gregory. More than you could ever know." She sighs, hiccuping a sob as she says, "I can't- I won't- take another child from her."
Her hand slips into mine and I flinch at how cold it is. "Gregory, please," she cries, stepping closer until all that separates us is the material of our clothing. "I'm begging you...don't take Trey away from Caitlin."
My chest throbs, feeling her body against mine. Her tortured request hangs in the silence and I flinch, feeling her shudder. "And, if I do?" I ask quietly, my eyes burning.
Her sad eyes look up at me, searing into my memory. "I'll take Caity's side."
And, in that instant, I know I've lost my son all over again.
I can't have Trey if I don't have Olivia too.
We've lost our boy for the second time.
Gregory crumbles, looking away as he gasps. Tears stain his cheeks and I reach up, brushing them away. "He is our son," he insists weakly, gazing down at me. I nod, my hands against his cheeks as his entire body lurches. He hasn't shaven in days and rough stubble scratches against my palms. He grips my arms with trembling hands as he lowers his head, surrendering.
"Yes," I sigh, hearing my own voice shake. His hands grip me tighter, but the anger and malice from moments ago is gone. "But, this is our chance to be the parents we always wanted to be." He looks up slowly, our eyes meeting as I whisper, "We are going to sacrifice our happiness for theirs. For Caitlin and Trey. W-we are the lambs led to slaughter."
Olivia exhales deeply, her hands falling from my face to rest against my chest. She looks up at me, tears catching on her eyelashes. I suddenly remember the way she looked up at me in the hospital, pleading with me to understand what I felt when I placed my hand on her stomach all those years ago. "Liv-" I gasp, gripping her shoulders as my head spins. "Liv, I can't-"
I can't do this, I want to tell her. I'm not strong enough, I want to insist. But, the words die, swallowed up by another gasping sob. Instead, I look down, feeling as if it was all coming undone. "Do you remember," I hear her begin softly, "that Caitlin knew I was pregnant before you did? Before the car accident?"
I look up slowly, meeting her glazed eyes. Slowly, her fingers curl around the lapels of my coat, my palms burning into her shoulders. "That when I was so afraid to tell you, when I didn't know how to, she found out?"
Gregory nods, watching me with bated breath. There's no way for us to be any closer, only a blurred line separating our bodies. But, I need him to understand. I look up, my voice quivering as I say in a gasping whisper, "She was there when I first felt him kick." He disappears as my vision clouds and my broken words come quicker. "She's loved him since the moment she knew about him," I sob, my voice rising. "And, t-that gives me peace."
He shakes his head. "Liv-"
We've reached the devastating summit of our ascent. Instead, of a majestic vista, all we're left with is a barren wasteland. My throat burns in agony as I lower my face, sobbing to abandon. "If we can't raise him," I gasp, "I'm glad it's Caitlin."
"I'm glad it's Caitlin," Olivia cries, anguish consuming her. "She'll give him the life we never gave her." She leans against me and I wrap my arms around her, holding her up. Her tears burn through my wrinkled shirt as her forehead rests against my chest.
We're the only two people left in the world as I break down, sobbing into her hair. Our broken hearts are exposed as we cry, tangled in an embrace.
Finally grieving the loss of our son.
Together.