Chapter Twenty: A Night To Remember

"Wow. I'm sure glad that's over. I guess Reagan and I underestimated how unpleasant it can be to look after Snape." Sammy let out a slow breath, pushing the portrait to the common room closed behind her.

"Remember: if Reagan asks, tell him that we all went out for ice cream." Rose deviously planned.

"I'm right here." Reagan, quite visible, raised his hand.

"Ypres!" Cora shrieked, very startled.

"What happened with the exorcism? Are all of you alright?"

"Well," Sammy began, not planning to lie despite Cora's desperate glances, "we finally managed to exorcise Peeves. It was quite trite, really. Bridgit and Cora managed to track him down and led him to Summersong's office with promises that they had duct taped Snape to a chair. Once there, they trapped him and summoned his father, they worked out their sordid pasts, blahdy blah blah blah and now, most importantly, he's gone!"

"It was so beautiful! Peeves found out that his father had always loved him and Slytherin apologized for being a crappy father and then they leapt into each other's spectral arms and, crying for joy, disappeared into a heavenly white light." Bridgit had tears in her eyes.

"Who cares? Peeves is gone!" Cora did a victory dance. "Finally, after many long chapters we are rid of him and have revenged ourselves in the name of Onion Cop!"

"You do realize that we just helped Peeves and that it was pretty poor revenge." Sammy pointed out.

Cora stepped on Sammy's face, indicating her need to shut up.

"Well, I may not agree with the risks you took, but I am glad that you helped a lost soul to find inner peace." Reagan smiled. "I'm sorry for coming down so hard on you…I'm not sure what came over me."

"It's okay, Reagan. Pobody's Nerfect!" Bridgit burst out laughing at a joke that was so horrid, it was worse than this fanfiction.

She was rewarded with the music of Reagan's pity chuckle. The god of humor died. No one came to his funeral.

"Well, might as well turn in for the night." Sammy headed into the girl's dorm.

Tired after a day's work and discomfort, Bridgit and Cora parted from Reagan and headed to the girl's dorms as well in order to get some well-earned rest. They were going to need it, not only for the next day's return to classes, but also to sit through the agony of another student quidditch match. Bah Humbug, indeed.

It was the only day Hagrid could get Happy Helpers to come pick up the cradillos. So, much to everyone's dismay, they had to attend care of magical creatures even though all other classes had been canceled in honor of the day's quidditch match.

"Righ' then," Hagrid began, trying to keep a stiff upper lip. "Yer cradillos've come of age now and are ready to help many a diseased witch or wizard live a somewha' normal life. Yeh've done a righ' fine job 'a raisin' 'em, but now…." He sniffed, "it's time teh say goodbye."

It was clear that, even though the students would miss their cradillos, Hagrid would miss them most of all. As he continued blubbering, Hagrid indicated that everyone should take these next precious moments to say a heartfelt goodbye to their term projects. For Malfoy, this was very easy.

"Thank God I never have to look at you again." He glared at his project in contempt. "I hope you burn in hell when you die…which I hope is soon."

"Einstein, even though you were a disappointment -on so many levels- I'm happy you will go on to a career that helps people by your existing in their vicinity. I feel it is a good fit for you." Hermione patted hers on the head.

"Breeeee!" Einstein cooed.

"Oh, Scapegoat, you didn't save me from as much trouble as I'd hoped, but you weren't so bad. Ta for now, wot?" Ron casually dismissed his random animal.

"Right then, Lucinda. Be a good girl now, won't you? Even though you're expected to do something that will benefit everyone at your own expense, don't be sad. It's not that bad." Harry rubbed her head.

"Don't get so upset, Harry. They pretty much just stand around and get fed and taken care of. All they have to do in return is exist. It's kind of cushy, but I think Chester will enjoy it, won't you?" Neville gave Chester a small hug. "You're the best magical creature project ever! Better than stupid Trevor, he doesn't do anything. Oh, I'm going to miss you!"

"RAHHHHHH" Trevor the toad cried, feeling ever so slighted out of love and the painful awareness of being so last-season.

"I know you're going to miss me, Darling," Replacement Goyle began.

"RGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling growled.

Replacement Goyle burst into tears.

"I'll always love you! I don't know what I'm going to do without you. You were the light in my life, the wind beneath my wings! Please remember me. Your next owner might be prettier than me, but they will never love you like I have!" He sobbed.

Darling, who had wandered off during this emotional outpouring, stood contentedly in a patch of grass, eating and occasionally throwing up.

"Duhhhh…Stick friend." Replacement Crabbe managed to comprehend what was happening. "I miss you, friend."

"Breeeee!" Stick said sadly, tying Replacement Crabbe's shoes for him.

Stick had put on a brave face for Replacement Crabbe, but she wasn't sure how Replacement Crabbe could manage without her.

"You're mine, Aluicious! I won't give you away! Not to anyone!" Cora hugged her cradillos in a stranglehold.

It's time to let the stupid bird fly from the stupid nest. Moonmist slapped Cora in the face with his wing.

"No! She's mine! Mine!" Cora hugged her closer.

"Breeeee!" Aluicious rubbed Cora's face and then licked Moonmist in an affectionate way.

I don't want you to leave eitherrrr! Moonmist wailed, leaping onto Aluicious' back and burying his face in her fluffy fur.

"C'mon, Cora, we have to let them fulfill their destinies. 4 O'clock knows that there's something greater for him in the future and so does every other cradillos here. To deny them that is wrong. It's what they were put on this earth for." Bridgit sadly petted 4 O'clock's head, blissfully ignorant of the horrid genetic experiments and enslavement that had lead to her animal's 'destiny'. "And even though I'll really miss him, it's what's got to be."

"Bree." 4 O'clock nodded, pretending to be sentient.

"Oh, I love animals!" Hagrid wept. "I wouldn't hurt a single one!"

"How many moles died to make your inhumanly large coat?" Cora demanded, clinging to her pet.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Hagrid cried. "My poor babies! I'm sorry for being a freak!" He cradled his coat and began to dig a hole to give it a proper burial.

No more shopping at Redneck Pete's Animal By-Product Emporium. No sir, it was Edition Elle from this point on. Plus size of course.

"Students, please lead your cradillos into this creature receptacle." The reedy-voiced Happy Helpers representative gestured to a large burlap sack.

"Ummm…isn't that just a sack?" Bridgit asked.

"No, it's a sack of holding. It can hold 60 cradillos at a time, plus it's full of drugs so they'll sleep for the entire ride. I take it you must be from elsewhere. Here in Britain, we do things the magic way. This here is a magic burlap sack, ergo it's better than muggle transport."

"Isn't that kind of dumb?" Cora didn't trust this man further than she could kill him to prevent him from taking her baby.

"No, it's magic. Like in Harry Potter!" He offered his spirit fingers.

"Don't touch me." Harry edged quickly away from the man, not sure his intentions were honorable.

"Well, into the sack you go, Bottom! Let's hope they stop by a dog food factory on the way." Malfoy booted his Bottom into the sack.

The rest sadly shoved their animals into the bag, where they fell asleep. Alucious, sensing her destiny calling, pulled away from Cora, who continued to cling desperately to her neck. Unfortunately, Aluicious was much stronger and dragged Cora along with her into the bag.

"Fine! Just go then. I don't need you!" Cora shouted as Aluicious fell asleep.

"Cora, that's probably the last thing she'll remember." Harry pointed out.

"Crap!" Cora ran into the bag. "I didn't mean it, girl! I love you!" She gave the sleeping beauty a hug. "Don't ever forget the good times."

"I say, get out of the cradillos receptacle. It's quite complex and dangerous machinery!" Reedy-voice shouted.

"I'm going." Cora threw a dirt clod at him in ill-humor.

"Well, then. Away I go." He hopped on his broomstick, hauling behind him the large cradillos sack tied to his vehicle. It was most magical indeed.

"Well, I know yeh'll need some time to get over this trauma, so I'm given' yeh the rest of class off."

"Hoorah!" Everyone cheered, running away.

And with a final "Amen", Hagrid laid his coat to rest.

Sammy, Reagan, Cora, and Bridgit sat down in the crappy, old, wooden bleachers to watch the stupid quidditch match. It was Hufflepuff against Gryffindor, a match for the ages to be remembered throughout all time. Fred and George were taking bets on how many points Gryffindor would beat Hufflepuff by. Since it was a special anniversary match, Dumbledore had irresponsibly splurged on semi-exotic animals for the occasion to act as spirit representatives. In the manner of all sports team animals, the two house's mascots were attacking each other. The announcer called a foul as Roary the Lion ate Stripes the Bagder. Hagrid wept large tears of drowning onto the quidditch field. He was asked by Snape, the only staff member present, to please leave you fat, ugly jerk.

Without further adieu, the match began. To fit in, Bridgit, Cora, Sammy and Reagan reluctantly waved little Gryffindor flags, which Professor McGonnagal had told them was mandatory. Sammy was watching Snape like a hawk and anytime the professor looked within fifty metres of where she was sitting, Sammy put away her flag and put on an "I love Ravenclaw" hat with a matching flag that said "That's so Ravenclaw". About five minutes into the game, they were starting to get a feel for the talent of the players.

"I hate to admit it, but I think that Harry is actually pretty good." Sammy muttered, feeling pain at the admission.

"Either that or those Hufflepuffs really suck." Cora offered a counter-argument.

Bridgit winced as two Hufflepuff players collided in mid-air with a resounding smack.

"Yes…let's go with that." Sammy sulked.

"Who's winning?" Reagan asked, staring at his feet.

He was unable to even look at the players, intimidated by the sheer height.

"This is stupid. Gryffindor is obviously going to win; even Blindie could have seen that. Let's just go." Sammy said brusquely, not enjoying Reagan's discomfort.

"Could we please stay and waste more of our lives?" Cora sarcastically asked of her.

"Why no, no we can't." Sammy picked her up by her braid and ushered her onwards through the bleachers.

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked as they were passing her.

"We have to go to the-"

Cora was spared coming up with an excuse as Gryffindor scored some quaffleage. The crowd leapt to their feet and began to parade Stripe's carcass up and down the field, running as fast as they could to keep ahead of Roary, who wanted his dinner back.

The Slytherin quidditch team used this opportunity to stand in the middle of the pitch and started launching a cannon at all of the players, especially Gryffindor's, who they were playing against next match. If all went well, everyone would die and they'd win by default. Snape turned a blind eye. While he was pretending not to notice his own house's flagrant disregard for human life in light of teen sports, he did notice the four exchange students sneaking not so sneakily from the bleachers.

"We're leaving! We're leaving!" Bridgit sang.

"What? Not wasting your time on the frivolity of youth and high school sports? I'll give you what for!" Snape leapt to his skinny legs, almost snapping them in the process.

He left his lawn chair/referee post and the entire Quidditch pitch, running off the field.

"Stop singing, we've already gotten away, so it's not funny anymore." Cora grumbled to Bridgit.

"Oh no!" Reagan suddenly looked behind them.

"What's the matter?" Sammy was drowned out by a cacophony of angriness.

"There you are! When I get my hands on you..." Snape was coming at them madly from the other side of the bleachers, plowing through the students like a lawnmower. He knew that, like flowers, they would grow back in time.

"Run!" Cora yelled.

Needing no further encouragement, the four took off like a Firebolt of lightning. Too bad the authors couldn't think of an equally stupid way to incorporate "nimbus" into that sentence.

"I'll kill your aunties!" Snape roared, foaming at the mouth and simultaneously proving that Great Britain still had a B.S.C. problem.

"Not my ant farm!" Bridgit wailed.

"Worry about it later!" Sammy urged her on.

"Immobulus!"

The wands were out now. Snape evidently took Quidditch attendence very seriously. Like conscription seriously.

"What the crap is wrong with him?" Sammy yelled over the fading din that was Quidditch background noise.

The spell harmlessly smashed into an eaglet, which Snape then trampled to death by mistake. When he was this angry, he developed tunnel vision.

"How are we gonna get out of this one?" Bridgit wondered aloud. "He saw us leave, he knows we're doing something wrong, he knows who we are and where we live and he won't stop until he's caught us and given us detention."

"Our only hope is that some random event will be miraculously triggered, thus rendering this aimless encounter insignificant in comparison!" Cora answered her friend's call.

Just then, something zoomed over all of their heads. In shock and confusion, they all looked up in time to identify Harry, quite far from the pitch, in pursuit of the golden snitch. The Hufflepuff seeker had been taken out by the cannon quite some time ago. Harry had no competition. Oblivious to his location, he focused only on the gold shiny.

"Does the snitch usually get this far away from the pitch?" Reagan asked Snape in the truce that ensued.

"No." Snape's face collapsed upon itself into a frown of reluctant not killing.

"Harry! You're going the wrong way!" Bridgit yelled as said seeker flew figure eights in the sky.

"I'll get it! Don't worry!" Harry half-listened. "And Gryffindor will win and all will be right with the world!"

"Inflated ego much?" Cora muttered under her breath.

Flying desperately to intercept the snitch, Harry gunned his broom and shot straight up.

"I will win!" He yelled.

He suddenly found his view to be a lot more burlap.

"What the-"

"It's the cradillos man! He's mad with power and back for more!" Cora shouted in horror, pointing at a flying duo holding a large, burlap sack.

"No, I don't think so," Snape squinted. "I'm pretty sure that's a non-magical sack and that…oh…I don't know…those are dementors!"

"Agh! Mum! Dad! That stupid high pitched laugh!" Harry yelled from within the sack.

Two dementors were flying through the air holding the burlap sack that they had used to sneakily trap Harry in between them. They could see the bag writhing as Harry struggled to escape his angst and also the bag.

"Infernace!" Sammy didn't mince words.

She couldn't screw up their mission. Not now. Not when they were right under his nose.

The dementors twisted their wraith-like bodies and easily dodged the magic missile, and kept on flying.

"How can we save him?" Reagan cried. "We know from Dumbledore that, because of his tragic past and fragile bird heart, he should be in some kind of emotional coma by now."

"You're right, Reagan, he is useless to us." Sammy agreed, physically shaking from preventing herself from adding 'as per usual'. "Bridgit, Cora! You get Harry out of the bag while Reagan and I distract the dementors!"

"I'll catch him." Snape offered with a highly suspicious expression on his face.

Sammy had an image of Harry falling to his death. No, that wouldn't do at all. Maybe Reagan could…No. Harry would like that.

"On third thought, I'll catch him. Reagan, you and Snape attack the dementors." Sammy permutated the right equation. Yay math.

Reagan and Snape started a volley of attacks against the wraith-like antagonists.

"This is our chance, Cora! Our chance to use our special attack we've been working on in secret!" Bridgit rolled up her sleeves.

"But it's too risky! If we miss, Harry might-"

"There's no time! Now!" Bridgit interrupted her friend.

"Beacon against darkness, silver chrome to shatter through evil!" Cora began, holding her arms aloft to one side.

"We call upon thee from thy nest in Athena's den of wisdom!" Bridgit continued, crossing her arms with Cora's.

"And together with thy smashing might, we will rend the fabric of evil in twain! We summon, thee: Athena's Sewing Scissors!"

And a brilliant beacon of light emitted from their fingertips and, where the two lights crossed, a pair of ethereal silver scissors, ringing with a light of purity, materialized in the sky. With a mighty SNIP of the arts and crafts power that flowed within, the scissors tore the burlap sack a new one. Harry tumbled out of the sky.

"Wingardium leviosa!" Sammy continued the spell's disgusting overuse and caught Harry before he could fall very far.

Then Snape and Reagan blew up the dementors.

Their perception of dementors as ghostly, wisp-like figures was shattered as chunks of ghastly, rubbery white flesh rained down on them.

"Hurrah! Job well done!" Bridgit cheered.

"What in the name of Merlin was that abomination?" Snape demanded, briskly striding up to Bridgit and Cora and wiping the dementor off his cloak.

"That was our ultra, super-secret duo combo attack! Like in Japanese cartoons!" Bridgit folded her arms across her chest impressively.

"I like Dragonball Z!" Cora shouted.

"I like Sailormoon!" Bridgit also shouted.

"Shut up!" Snape cuffed them both.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" A faint scream was heard.

"What was that?" Reagan asked as they all turned around.

"By Neptune's codpiece! It's a veritable inferno!" Snape revealed his word of the day. [Guess which one it was.]

The bleachers, now on fire, were devoid of human occupants. The students, deprived of their butt stop, were running around the field in terror. They were persued by a motley selection of Dementors and bogartian hallucinations.

"It's gonna eat me!" Perkins Dodgerson screamed.

"I am the real king!" Consonants wailed miserably.

"When did this happen?" Sammy gave a low whistle.

"It was probably meant to distract everyone while Harry was kidnapped." Reagan surmised.

"Ten bucks says the cannon started the fire." Cora muttered.

"What cannon?" Snape blankly refused to acknowledge it on pain of forfeiting his crown as King of Cheaters.

"What's happening?" Harry moaned and sat up from his grassy tomb where Sammy had left him. "And why am I covered in whale meat?"

"Trouble at the old Quidditch place. Dementor attack and whatnot." Cora offered. "Also you were almost kidnapped. By a crazy whaler. Yes." That tied up all the loose ends.

"Oh no! Ron and Hermione! They're lost without me!" Harry shouted in dismay. "We must save them! And probably everyone else too!"

"This would be a lot easier if there were more teachers present. Where is everyone anyway?" Bridgit grumbled.

Aside: The Teacher's Retreat…of DEATH

"I'm sure all of you are wondering why, with the exception of Professor Snape, you have been called into a staff meeting during the beloved quidditch match which should, by all accounts, be a joyful time of pretending that you aren't a teacher. But there is a dire situation that must be addressed." Professor Summersong gave all of her present colleagues a level stare. "The reason I have called you here is that someone among us…is…a… murderer."

"Gasp!"

"What proof do you have of that, my dear Tigerlily? Murder is a somewhat serious accusation." Dumbledore pointed out good-naturedly.

"And you knew that, didn't you, Albus!" Summersong jabbed an accusing finger into his old man sternum.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" He stammered.

"Of course you don't. Not when, in such a position of power, certain information can fall…in between the cracks? Out of the proverbial light, to say? Isn't that right, headmaster?" She continued.

"It's true! It's true!" Dumbledore suddenly broke down for no real reason. "Prior to Harry Potter and company I went through three groups of precocious young Gryffindors, eager to solve the many mysteries and dangers of the castle that I didn't want to deal with. I murdered them with my negligence!" He cried, his salty man tears causing the ladies to be all upons.

"Well, I hope that about wraps it up." Said a nonplussed Professor McGonagall.

"Not so fast, Minnerva."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She suddenly rested her face against her hand, looking uncomfortably inncocent.

"Oh, I don't know about that, Minnerva. Does the name Eagle Boy ring a bell? No? How about Horse Face? Cat Tongue? The short lived Fish Thing?"

"I specifically told them not to!" She burst out.

"What, pray?"

"I was lecturing about animagi. That stupid James Potter, God rest his Seoul, and a bunch of his stupid friends got it into their heads to become animagi to hang out with their werewolf friend. Not all of them were successful. "Scrawney" Jimmy Jorgenson, Pepper Snosberger, Felix Whaleenmeyer and Dixon O'Flaherty all became monstrosities. Well…Felix succeeded but was unwise in choosing to become a fish in a terrestrial environment. The rest begged me to kill them and I did as they wished. We told their parents they went on vacation to a farm with wide open spaces and lots of candy. It was the worst Christmas ever." She got a little teary.

"Well, that's the end of that chapter." Madame Hooch beamed, running for the door.

"I'm thinking of a sound." Summersong began as Hooch discovered the door was locked.

"Oh. And what is that?" Hooch asked faintly, still facing the door.

"Just a little something that goes like: 'HsssssssssssssskPOW! Splat!" Everyone in the front row opened umbrellas. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Ugh. Tie a rocket to a broom one time and it comes back to bite you in the ass. Well, my tiny secret's nothing compared to the one hidden by…FILCH!" She pointed a finger at Mr. Smellypants.

"What?" Filch gargled.

"That's right!" Dumbledore perked up at the shift of blame. "He's responsible for like…seventeen deaths."

"Ain't my fault. Kids these days…so flammable. Don't build 'em like they used to."

"I spoke to you about that. The bacteria collecting on your skin from lack of hygiene has resulted in a permanent cloud of methane enveloping you and your surroundings. It's only a miracle you yourself haven't spontaneously combusted yet. And you still haven't fixed it!" Dumbledore sounded mildly exasperated.

"I don't like to shower." Filch crossed his arms defiantly.

"You must shower every few days at the very least! My stars! Personal hygiene is integral to longevity and getting laid at least once in your lifetime. Why, right now your gamete chromosomes have probably shriveled from the smell. Your potential babies will be born with leprosy and or a 100% chance of abnormal W.O.W. factor." Madame Pomfrey shouted.

"You're one to lecture on not killing students, Pomfrey. Or should I say, Madame Pot'ead." Filch erupted into flames. "AHHHHHH! The pain! It's burns! It burnssssss! SOMEBODY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP MEEEEEAAAAAAAAGHhhh….." And Filch left to join Mrs. Norris in kitty heaven.

"Oh, it was just once when I was young and foolish. I didn't mean to mix up the measles medicine with arsenic! What was arsenic even doing there? Oh…a whole ward died. But that's nothing compared to you, Twigethula!" She re-named the minor character with a much better name.

"Silence!" Madame Sprout boomed. "You know not of what you speak! The Audrey needs to eat! What are the lives of a few students compared to the life of the rarest creature on earth! I only fed it the dumb ones. No one seemed to mind."

"Then why is Terrence Sterrence (Replacement Crabbe) still alive?" Flitwick piped up. "I can honestly say that I wouldn't miss him in my classes. He trounces the G.P.A. Everyone is passing now!"

"I can't lure him down to the greenhouse. He's afraid of green…and houses." She sighed disparagingly.

"You're all despicable, horrible human and humanoid beings!" Trelawney raved. "How could you do this to the precious, precious students?"

"Oh? And why again, pray, were you digging in Hagrid's pumpkin patch this evening my dear Sybil?" McGonagall asked coldly.

"I…was searching for…truffles. Snort snort!" Trelawney quickly made up anything.

"And that was when she found the evidence. These," Summersong gestured to the pile of human bodies behind her, "were found."

"I was wondering when she'd explain why those were there." Flitwick mused to himself.

"Wait…why is that skeleton not covered in dirt like the other incriminating evidence?" Dumbledore pointed.

"Uhhh…that one's mine and…I cleaned it." Trelawney offered lamely.

"Yours?"

"It's of my great aunt. I keep it as a memento. She was a brilliant psychic. I keep it for kin divination." She was not very good at lying, was she?

"Well…that explains some of this. But that still leaves thirty bodies unaccounted for!" Summersong did some quick mental calculations.

"Oh, those are mine, dear!" Flitwick raised his tiny, tiny arm.

"Martin?" Everyone gasped.

"How did you end up with so many dead students? You have the least dangerous subject except for Professor Binns. And he doesn't count."

"Oh yes I do!" He popped up through the floor. "I'm tired of being left out! Three of those are mine. They committed suicide during my class. It was during my insidious lecture: the Goblin Rebellion."

There was a collective gasp. Few had heard the entire lecture and lived to tell the tale. It had been quickly stricken from the curriculum.

"That still leaves twenty-seven bodies." Summersong sighed. "Care to fill us in Mister Flitwick?"

"Oh, right! That! Well, you see, a few years back there was this one student who made fun of my height. I was short-tempered in my youth, so I detained him. Once I had him all alone, I cut off his legs at the knee to see how he liked it. For some reason, he bled to death. While I was preparing the body for a traditional Neopolitan embalming…even though he was Flemmish…I discovered the pleasing shape the stirrup bone in his ears had. So wonderful. I had to have it. And once I did, I had to have more. He was captain of the Hearing Club, so I figured stirrups with the most pleasing shape would result in excellent hearing."

"Oh!" Dumbledore had a moment of epiphany. "So that's why the members of the hearing club all mysteriously disappeared within several months of each other. I thought the cool kids were feeding them to alligators."

"Yes. And now, look how lovely my charm bracelet is!" Flitwick held up his other arm.

The bone bracelet jingled musically in the most dulcet of tones. Oh, the irony.

There was a moment of silence as the teachers all stared at each other uncomfortably.

"Don't worry. It's finished now. I don't need anymore – I'm not greedy!" Flitwick reassured them.

There was a collective relax.

"So now we know that all of us are guilty of at least one count of murder each. What do we do with that?" McGonagall brought the question to light.

"I vote we never speak of this again." Madame Hooch informed everyone.

"Here here!" Dumbledore agreed.

"Is it morally viable to impede justice like this?" Professor Summersong ventured.

"Oh, come on, Tigerlily! Like you've never killed anyone before!" Dumbledore chided her.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Everyone started laughing.

"Tee hee hee! I guess that's true enough!" She tittered.

"To silence!" Flitwick raised his glass for a toast.

"Here here!"

Clink!

"And to think I'm the only one who hasn't killed a student. How shameful." Snape muttered to himself. "Well, maybe it's time to start." He glared at Bridgit and Cora.

"What was that?" Bridgit asked.

"Quickly. We must go help the precious, precious students." He shambled off to avoid any further pesky questions.

~Please let them be reincarnated as small insects. I would sell my soul. Small insects that I can step on…~

As they neared the pitch and the horde of dementors, they felt whatever vestiges of happiness they had vanish. Snape noticed no difference.

"I hate this." Cora muttered to herself.

"Definitely one of my least favourite encounters." Bridgit shuddered.

"What ho, evil!" Harry shouted, visibly sweating but struggling to appear manly before Reagan. ""Expecto patronus!"

A brilliant silver stag of a blinding light expelled from the tip of his wand and charged about the field, battering many dementors and driving them away.

"Oh my. That's very high level magic." Reagan breathed, clearly impressed.

Yessss!

Spurred on by his current infatuation's attention, the patronus doubled in brightness. The stag puffed out its barrel chest in order to further impress everyone.

"Now attack!" Harry shouted as the stag went and turned for a second round.

One of the dementors reached into its cloak and retrieved something that looked suspiciously like a muggle .32 calibre rifle. Except it was magic. It cocked the rifle, took aim and…BANG! The stag stumbled a bit, seeming to trip on its own legs as silver began to leak from its side. It collapsed into a puddle of shimmering goo and slid wretchedly back into Harry's wand. Now defenseless against the dementors, Harry felt the full brunt of his horrid past sliding over his consciousness like icy cold daggers of water. His vision went blurry and he collapsed. A crowd of dementors immediately converged onto him. One began to remove its hood.

"It's going to kiss Harry!" Reagan exclaimed.

"Why?" Bridgit shrieked, her face a mask of disgust.

"That's how it attacks!" Reagan yelled at Bridgit.

"Oh."

"Bridgit! Cora! Spread out and help the others! We'll take care of these dementors!" Sammy barked as she fired off some spells.

"Expecto patronus!" Snape gurgled in fury, launching forth his patronus.

A mangy looking mongoose escaped from the end of his wand, looking about in a roving and rabid manner. It half snarled and laughed insanely as it barreled towards the dementors. Charging in an erratic series of motions, it was upon the first few dementors like stink on a sandwich.

"All right, students, everyone run this way!" Cora shouted.

Bridgit and Cora had jogged towards the edge of the field and were keeping a corridor dementor-free for people to escape through to the castle. It wasn't easy, as the dementors seemed voracious for anything mortal.

"Ugh…I feel really sick." Bridgit sounded strained and forced herself to concentrate on keeping the hooded wraiths at bay.

Voices and screams kept streaming through her consciousness, making it terribly hard to concentrate on what she was doing. Her stomach was churning and her vision started to spin.

"Yay! I'm blowing stuff up!" Cora, only mildly uncomfortable, continued her dementor carnage.

The students were still trickling through, but then came something they were not prepared for. A wave of bogarts streamed forward as the dementor's ranks began to thin.

"What the hell are those?" Cora squinted.

Before she could get a clear look at what was coming, they seemed to shift. Suddenly, she was no longer on a Quidditch battlefield. Her entire world was surrounded in darkness, the only feeble light being a pitiful circle around her.

"What is this rubbish?" She growled.

Further away, a weak spotlight illuminated the figures of Bridgit, Sammy and Reagan. They were walking away from her, growing fainter as the distance increased.

"Hey guys! What's going on?" She jogged to catch up to them.

They neither turned around nor got any closer to her.

"Guys?" She ran faster, but the distance continued to grow.

"This isn't funny! Wait up!" She broke out into a dead run. "Come back!"

They had vanished. She tripped in despair and lay sprawled out on the ground.

"Mister Potter, wake up." Snape poked Harry's prone form.

"What happened?" Sammy asked, checking the young hero's vitals.

"I'm not sure. I think he might be in shock. A patronus has never been defeated in such a manner. Since it's an extension of oneself, it's likely to assume that it took a heavy toll on his energy and needs to be rejuvenated." He gave his surly hypothesis.

"Hmmm…that sounds reasonable. Can you think of anything you can do to help, Reagan?" There was no reply. "Reagan?"

"Yaaaaaaaah!" Came a faint scream.

Sammy and Snape looked up. Wayyyyyy up. Reagan clung desperately to a renegade broomstick which seemed to have a will of its own.

"Well…this is vaguely familiar." Snape muttered, thinking of when Professor Quirrell tried to kill Harry with glee.

"What is it then?" Sammy demanded.

"Wait, no. That one was enchanted. This one seems to be a bogart." He surmised.

"A wha- oh. Those things. Yeah, we studied them…Reagan should probably be able to take care of it." She looked up expectantly.

"Ahhhhhh! Help me! It's too high!" He shrieked, clinging on to the broom for dear life and squeezing his eyes shut.

"He appears to be petrified with fear."

"Well, then what do we do?" Sammy shouted.

"There's nothing we can do to help. He must defeat it on his own. Our best course of action now is to help with eradicating the rest of the attacking dementors." Snape started jogging toward the pitch.

Sammy remained behind, unable to leave Reagan by himself in this state. Snape scowled in disgust. Some fears didn't need bogarts to be petrifying. He continued on, resolute not to waste anymore time.

"It's okay Reagan! It's a bogart! Remember? You can handle that!" Sammy shouted up encouragement. "You've done this!"

"That was before the accident!" Reagan shouted back, sounding like he was fighting becoming ill.

"Cora! Cora!" Bridgit shouted.

Her friend had become enveloped in a bubble of darkness. She decided that it was unlikely that Cora could hear her.

"What the hell is this thing, anyway?" Bridgit wondered aloud, trying to kick the bubble.

Her foot connected with something solid, but the bubble didn't move. Making an uncomfortable strategic decision, she opted to return to fighting the dementors. Sensing a presence behind her, she whirled around ready pound the living daylights out of…

"What the hell…" Her eyes widened.

There are no words to describe what was behind her. At least, none that exist. However, it is correct to say that it was the most hideously frightening monster Bridgit had ever seen. She screamed.

"Oh my God! It's a bogart…it's hideous!"

The bogart was somewhat taken aback. Usually people had real fears. It wasn't used to being seen for what it was. Still, it uncomfortably made some threatening gestures in her direction.

"Get away!" Bridgit tried to kick it, but missed.

Snape finally made it to the corridor, which was closing from lack of Bridgit and Cora. The dementors began to overtake some of the students now that they were no longer threatened.

"Imagine it doing something funny and then cast the spell 'ridikulous'." Snape shouted imperiously at her as he ran by. "It's not that hard! Expecto patronus!"

As he forced the corridor open again, Bridgit searched the depths of her mind. Her face split into a grin.

"H ah ah aha ha ha! Ridikulous!" She laughed, and then the bogart disappeared.

Seeing that Cora was still unreachable, she went to go help Snape.

Cora sat in the middle of the darkness clutching her knees and shivering slightly. This was not fun.

"Come back guys. I'll be nice…well, nicer. I promise not to usurp or mutiny anymore. I'll stop borrowing your clothes without asking, Sammy."

Nothing happened.

"Ahhh…no….I'm not afraid." She said uncertainly. "I'll just think of something funny…that will make me feel better…" She weakly reasoned. "Clowns are funny."

She was surprised as her imagination manifested itself into reality. She was now dressed as a clown.

"Hey! I'm a clown. Ha ha haa!"

The darkness shuddered, as though uncertain. Then…

The bubble of darkness shrank considerably, freeing Cora, and then the bogart zoomed off in fear. Apparently clowns are a universally hideous phenomena, and even terrified bogarts. Cora, preparing to revel in this power and intending to use her new guise as battle armor, looked down.

"What gives? I'm not a clown anymore." Cora stared at her non-gloved hands and tiny, tiny shoes.

"Good job Cora! You figured out how to beat the bogart on your own!" Bridgit congratulated her, finishing off the last dementor and feeling much better for it.

"The bog- uh- yes! Yes I did! I'm so awesome!" She gwaffawed and ran to join her friend.

"Well, the bad guys are all taken care of over here. Now let's see if we can't help Reagan." Bridgit suggested.

"Don't bother." Came an exhausted voice.

They all turned around to see a haggard Reagan being led by Sammy, who was carrying Harry, towards them.

"Wow. How in the world did you make a broom funny?" Bridgit wondered aloud.

"Oh, it finally came to me." Reagan said darkly, gesturing behind himself.

Cora nodded in approval at the broom, which was now tied to a conveyor belt heading towards a mill saw.

"Good idea! So now you can cast the spell and-" Bridgit saw Reagan's barely sane expression and realized that it was curtains for the bogart. "That poor broom." She muttered softly.

As the group headed towards the castle, there was an earsplitting scream and then no more.

"Well, looks like more points for the Canuks!" Cora cheered. "Ain't nothing gets by this gel!" She showed off her new British slang word.

She was suddenly grabbed from behind and felt an icy cold despair wash over her. Taken aback, she found herself unable to fight against the vice-like grip of the sneaky dementor. The pit of her stomach opened and she could only stare up into the icky tentacle face that was lowering towards hers. She could feel a strange tugging in her lungs as her breath seemed to be pulled from her as though someone was lowering a vacuum into her face.

"Expecto patronus!" Snape's mangy mongoose of justice once again escaped from its confines and loosed its manic cobra-seeking rage against the dementor.

The stunned creature dropped Cora on her ass and fled, mongoose nipping at its heels. Cora stood up shakily, breathing hard, and dusted herself off.

"I guess we missed one." She struggled to sound nonplussed. "Thanks Grinchy, you saved my life."

"Don't remind me." Snape said through gritted teeth.

He suddenly grabbed his arm and fell to his knees.

"Hey...ummmm, are you okay?" Cora asked.

"What do you think?" Snape growled.

"...no?"

Instead of growling in reply, his face went even paler than it usually was and he collapsed.

"What's happening?" Cora asked.

"It's his tattoo!" Bridgit exclaimed.

"Since when did he have a tatto? And how did you know about it?"

"Never mind. There are poisons locked inside the tattoo, and if ever he's nice, they come out and he dies." Bridgit explained.

"What kind of crappy tattoo is that?" Cora muttered.

"He has the death mark?" Sammy asked incredulously.

"We'll worry about that later. We need to get him to the infirmary right now." Reagan took charge of the situation

"Will he even live that long?" Sammy wondered, noticing the professor's rapidly deteriorating condition.

"When I get through this, I'll kill you all." Snape rasped weakly.

"Well! Let's get him in suspended animation." Reagan rubbed his hands together.

"What?" Snape asked in alarm.

"Animatus!" Reagan ignored him.

Snape froze, his face an ugly mask of alarm.

Sammy and Reagan walked in the lead, ushering the unconscious Harry and suspended Snape between them. Cora and Bridgit trailed along behind them.

"I don't understand…he's helped us before. He was even helping protect the students. Why would the toxins suddenly come out now?" Cora asked, somewhat shakily.

She had grown accustomed to the unpleasant toxic words that spewed from Snape's twisted, sallow mouth. Hell, she could even set her watch to them. This sudden incapacitation was jarring and left her with an uncomfortable feeling…like that it was all her fault.

"I think…it's because he didn't have to help you. Before when he saved us, it was also to save himself. As for fighting the dementors…that is part of his job description. If he had done nothing, there would have been hell to pay. This was a sneak attack that he could very easily have missed or feigned not noticing. Remember: he was ignoring the cannon. It's because, for whatever reason, be it reflexes or intention, he chose saved your life." Bridgit explained.

"So…what was your bogart?" Cora began conversationally, trying to change the subject to something less horrifying.

"Oh. It was a bogart." Bridgit answered.

"Yes. I know that. Mine manifested itself as all-consuming darkness and separation from everyone I know. What was yours?" Cora clarified.

"A bogart. They're really scary!" Bridgit whimpered a bit.

"You mean you're not afraid of anything real?" Cora asked incredulously.

"It was real enough to me." Bridgit shuddered. "I had to pull out all the stops to make it funny."

"Ho? And how did you do that?" Cora arched a finely-pruned eyebrow.

"I just added some Groucho glasses." Bridgit finished, and then continued walking.

"That's hilarious!" Cora and Bridgit burst out laughing together.

"Idiots." Sammy muttered for herself and, unbeknownst to her, for Professor Snape.

[Author's note: Snape's word of the day was, "it's."]