Chapter Twenty-three: Snape's Coma
Snape, naked, was floating in an almost embryonic state within a warm, comforting fluid.
"This is kind of nice." He muttered, hearing a soft beating rhythm. "I must have returned to the womb. Maybe I will be reborn as a beautiful butterfly."
IT IS THE WOMB. The walls shook. THE WOMB OF EVIL!
"What do you mean? Are you saying that I am evil?" Snape was relatively ambivalent.
YES. THE LIFE YOU LIVE IS BEREFT OF HUMAN INTERACTION AND LOVE. YOU CLOSED YOUR HEART AFTER THE ONE YOU LOVED FORSOOK YOU AND NOW YOU LIVE AS A WRAITH. YOUR SHRIVELLED NAKEDNESS IS THE REFLECTION OF YOUR TWISTED SOUL.
"Uh…okay…I guess. What do you expect me to do about it now?" Snape tried to roll over and only managed to get trapped in his umbilical chord.
THE UMBILICAL CHORD SYMBOLIZES HOW YOU HAVE BECOME TRAPPED BY YOUR OWN FEARS AND SELF-DOUBT.
"I really don't think that-"
FURTHERMORE, YOUR FOETAL STATE REPRESENTS YOUR INNER OEDIPAL COMPLEX. DESPITE HER HORSE HEAD, YOUR MOM HAD A TOTALLY HOT BODY.
"I hardly find that appropriate. And were it not for the fact you regurgitated a junior college level English textbook, I might be moved by your petty words." Snape sneered, having gone to senior college.
VERY WELL. THEN I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE YOU COULD HAVE HAD. PERHAPS THIS LOVE LOST WILL WAKE YOU FROM YOUR HATEFUL REVERIE AND INSPIRE YOU TO FIND HUMAN WARMTH ONCE AGAIN OTHER THAN YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB BECAUSE THAT'S KIND OF GROSS.
"Ahhh!" Snape was suddenly flushed from his sanctuary and came to himself.
He was floating in the air watching another, manlier, less-greasy version of himself walking into a hospital room.
"Well, that must be me…" He felt himself being towed behind his alter ego like a hideous, naked, invisible balloon.
"My love, I came as soon as I heard." Snape2 knelt next to a bed containing a somewhat less drugged looking Trelawney. She was actually somewhat becoming.
"Holy crap!" Snape1 was taken aback at her state of being.
YOU SEE HOW YOU AFFECT THE LIVES OF OTHERS. HAD YOU NOT BEEN A TOTAL SPAZ, YOU AND THE ONE CALLED TRELAWNEY COULD HAVE HAD RELATIVELY NORMAL, FUNCTIONAL LIVES TOGETHER.
"Oh, Severus. The doctor says it's my heart – it's too old. If only I had invented that hypobaric chamber I was designing before I fell in love with you." Trelawney swooned, unable to lift herself from her pillow.
"Oh, Sybill." Snape2 choked back a sob and embraced his love.
"I think the fact that she's dying now because of me destroys your argument." Snape1 grinned.
WOULD YOU CALL WHAT SHE HAS NOW A LIFE?
Snape1's face fell.
"Are you sure? How can this be? Why can't magic solve our problem?" Snape2 looked desperately into his wife's eyes, as if searching for the answer.
"There are some things magic can't cure. And those things are all of the cancers. I have old heart cancer. It could stop beating at any moment." Trelawney looked sad and serene, more concerned about her beloved Severus2 than her own impending demise.
"Don't be sad, my love. The short years I had with you are worth more than the lifetime of alcoholism you saved me from." She smiled lovingly.
"How could I ignore the suffering of an angel?" Severus2 began to cry, embracing her ever closer.
"Oh, barf! This sucks!" Severus1 made dry heaving noises.
SHUT UP! THIS IS TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL!
"Can we skip to something else?" Severus1 pleaded.
VERY WELL. THIS IS FIVE MINUTES LATER.
"I brought our darling Selma." Snape2 briefly left the room to bring their daughter in.
Selma, against the odds, was a beautiful child. She had long, voluminous black hair and piercing blue eyes.
"Mommy!" Selma ran into the room, her hair flowing behind her in flowing rivers, and embraced her mother.
"How did I father something that beautiful?" Snape1 was mesmerized by his beautiful potential daughter.
I DUNNO. SOMETIMES GENETICS SKIP A GENERATION.
"More like five." Snape1 muttered.
"Hello, darling." Trelawney weakly hugged her daughter.
"Today I drew a picture of a frog that eats a worm! And then Daddy took me to the zoo because I said I like griffins and so we saw the griffins and he bought me a candy and I ate it! I love the zoo and I love Daddy and Mommy! Can we all go the zoo together next time? When Mommy gets better?" Selma looked up at both of her parents with eyes so pure and innocent that it broke their hearts to think about how the world would stomp all over her feelings.
"Darling, Mommy has something very important to tell you." Trelawney looked mournfully at her beautiful child.
"What is it, Mommy? Is it a secret? I like playing secrets!" She smiled enchantingly.
"I'm starting to dislike this child despite her lack of ugliness." Snape1 griped. "I mean, look how stupid she is!"
SHE WILL GO TO WIZARD YALE. THERE SHE WILL JOIN THE QUIDDITCH TEAM AND BEAT HARRY POTTER. OR AT LEAST, SHE WOULD HAVE…
"Mommy isn't going to get better." Trelawney laid a hand softly on her child's head, stroking her hair gently. "Mommy's going to go away."
"Where?" Selma looked concerned.
"To Magic Heaven! It's much better than Muggle Heaven." Trelawney attempted to be enthusiastic.
"Can I come?" Selma leaned forward in excitement.
"No, sweetie." Trelawney said sadly. "Not right now. Maybe later, after a long time."
Snape2 had to temporarily leave the room at the thought of his child dying too in order to compose himself. Snape1, much to his relief/irritation was forced to follow as Trelawney had to field the question,
"Will you come and visit?"
"I can't do this." Snape2 leaned against a wall, putting his hand over his eyes.
"See? Look how miserable I am! This is what happens when you fall in love and have human relationships." Snape1 pointed at Snape2.
A hand fell onto Snape2's shoulder and he jumped, whirling around.
"Whoa, easy bro." Severedhead, sporting an attractive visage and a luscious moustache, took a step back.
"Sorry, my brother. I'm having a bit of a tough time right now." Snape2 looked grief-struck. "I can't bear to show my sadness to either of them!"
"What the crap is he doing here?" Snape1 looked down at his brother.
YOU RECONCILED YOUR DIFFERENCES, WENT INTO BUSINESS TOGETHER, POOLED THE MONEY, AND BOUGHT NICE HEADS. YOU PERFORM MAGICAL BOTOX.
Snape1 shuddered.
"You have to rely on your family. You can't shut them out. That's what you taught me, brother, and that's what I'm teaching you now! Go in there, be honest with them, and support each other. I'll stay out here for moral support." Severedhead clapped his brother firmly on the shoulder.
"You are truly my brother, brother." Snape2's eyes were overflowing with tears.
The two embraced and then Snape2 dashed into the room.
"I'm sad that you're dying!" Snape2 sobbed into Trelawney's shoulder.
"Oh, Severus, I'm so happy that you finally opened up to me." She smiled faintly. "It was my dying wish."
"Daddy!" Selma cried in alarm.
Severus2 looked up quickly and through tear-filled eyes managed to make out the looming form of Tom Riddle shuffling into their room.
"Who are you?" Snape2 demanded.
"Why the hell is Voldemort here?" Snape1 was having a hard time following what was going on.
"I have been in a coma next door for ten years! Previously, I was a disgruntled student intent on evil world domination through terror. However, a giant spider bit me and thus I slumbered until hearing your story awoke me. Now, I am so moved that I truly understand the meaning of love. My life has none and so I have no life. I offer to you my youthful, non-cancer heart so that your semi-beautiful wife may live and your family may stay whole!" Tom announced.
"Oh, my God!" Trelawney breathed.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you…" Severus2 sobbed, collapsing with emotion into a writhing pile of tears on the floor.
"This is excruciating. You can't honestly expect me to believe that this is a superior way of life. And furthermore, how did my marriage to Sybill prevent the Dark Lord from assuming power?" Snape1 almost didn't feel like engaging with this travesty.
THE WORLD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
"Of course it does." Snape1 muttered bitterly.
"I'm a surgeon and I was just standing outside listening and I heard everything! I can operate right now!" A surgeon burst into the room.
"Hooray!" Everyone cheered, even Tom who was about to die.
"This is really stupid. Why are you even putting me through this? Show yourself!" Snape1 demanded.
He abruptly returned to being Snape as the world around him vanished and he found himself, still naked, in his womb-like environment. A hideous, misshapen, papier-mache, horse thing materialized in front of him.
"What the hell are you?" Snape demanded.
I AM YOUR SPIRITUAL GUIDE HORSE. I WAS CREATED BY THE ONE KNOWN AS CADOGAN. I HAVE COME HERE TO HELP YOU HEAL YOUR BATTERED SOUL. FOR, EVEN IF YOU DIE, IF YOU HAVE FOUND WHOLENESS YOU WILL NOT GO TO HELL.
"Hell?"
YES, MY FRIEND. YOU HAVE MANY, MANY KALPAS.
"Wait, Cadogan? The painting?"
MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN YOUR ABSENCE.
"Now I'm not sure if I want to go back…" Snape knew whatever awaited him would probably not be very pleasant.
YOUR LIFE IS FULL OF PAIN. MY FUNCTION IS TO HELP YOU FIND CLOSURE AND ENLIGHTENMENT. I MUST LEAD YOU TO SALVATION. LET US GO BACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD AND-
"NO F***ING WAY!" Snape bellowed, looping his umbilical chord around the guidehorse and pulling sharply.
The guidehorse was crushed. A tear in its side split open and mountains of candy poured out.
SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE SHORT-TERM REWARDS OF EVIL.
The horse vanished, leaving behind delicious candy.
"Much better." Snape muttered in satisfaction, feasting on the sweets.
And he began eating the eternally-giant piles of candy, certain that, should he finish, he would be freed from this hell-hole of a coma.
End of aside
In a bizarre twist of fate, after Malfoy abandoned his lackeys he himself was abandoned. Since no one but Neville was desperate enough to be in a group to put up with sir Cadogan, Malfoy was then drafted into Harry's group by a now-loathed Mr. Flansberg.
"I am the lonely Prince Arthur." Neville whined, their skit beginning. "My older brother throws bricks at me and my father wishes that I had been a girl so that he'd be less ashamed of me. But I have a dream of a great kingdom of justice and truth. Oh, if only I were better and capable of forging such a kingdom."
"Alas! I am Merlin and I have a heavy burden on my heart." Harry walked into centre stage where Neville was standing.
"What is the trouble, my good sir?" Neville squeaked.
"Why, I am looking for a young, unfortunate boy to become my ward so that I may teach him the ways of justice, truth and kingdom building. But all I see around me are strapping, capable young men not in need of my assistance. I say, young lady, could you direct me to a more unsatisfactory young man?"
"I am such a man!" Neville announced bravely.
"My word, so you are! I thought you were just a homely young sparrow." Harry laughed at his pre-scripted mistake.
"Can you make me more betterer? My older brother and father make me ever so sad with their buxom masculinity. Please, Merlin. Teach me the ways of life." Neville begged.
"As I am such a great and powerful wizard, this will be an easy task. First, drink this potion! 'Twill imbue you with awe-inspiring greatness." Harry held out an empty goblet.
"And so I shall!" Neville pretended to take a drink.
Malfoy stomped into centre stage and kicked Neville out of the way.
"Why Merling. I feel like a completely different and more awesome person." Malfoy said, as though being prompted. "What do you call this draught of the awesome?"
"That's just it, my boy! It is called the Awesome Potion. Now that that's over with, we can get started on forging a kingdom."
"What ho! I am lord Lancelot!" Sir Cadogan pranced into view. "I am looking for a man among men for me to pledge my allegiance to as Britain's new king."
"Yes. You should be king. And it was my idea." Harry chuckled.
"By the code! Your obvious greatness has impressed me, so I will serve you until my dying breath or I steal your woman." Sir Cadogan bowed.
"Not me, him!" Harry whispered fiercely, pointing to Malfoy.
"You git! We went over this five times in rehearsal." Malfoy growled.
"It's a horrible scandal! The young prince should have been Arthur, not a contemptible sludge weasel like you! Have at ye!" He kicked Malfoy over. "Ahhhhhhhh!" He screamed, raising his cutlass and running out the door.
"…Well. The end." Neville quickly pushed everyone offstage.
"Yes…very nice. E for effort. It's not for the marks, after all, it's for what you learned." Mr. Flansberg offered dryly, giving them all a D.
"Yes…well, Miss Grainger, you seem to know things. Your group can go next to restore my faith in humanity." Mr. Flansberg bared his soul, praying for salvation.
"I would just like to protest," Hermione stood in centre stage, "that I am not doing this for you, Mr. Flansberg. I only participate in this farce of a lesson for the grades of my dearest Ronnykins."
"And I'd just like to say that I've always loved you, Dean. I was just too scared to say it out loud!" Seamus added from offstage left.
"Oh, Seamus! I love you too!" Dean shouted back from offstage right.
There was a silence. No one could tell if it was a joke or not. Neville coughed.
"Er….right." She turned to her audience. "I am the fair and completely independent and self-sufficient young Princess Aurora. I seek a mutual partnership with a young prince of merit in the archaic bonds of matrimony."
"Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! I, the evil chicken fairy, shall not hear of such a thing! Little do you know, princess, that I have slipped you a potion to trigger a spell I cast on you!" Seamus cried.
"But when? I've never met you before."
"Your parents didn't invite me to your first birthday party. That was like a social blacklist! No one would invite me to their parties after that. So I cursed you."
"Surely as two modern, sensible women we could work out our differences by-"
"Too late! You die!" Seamus interrupted, stabbing her with a spinning wheel.
"Oh, woe is me! I am slain." Hermione cried.
"Woe indeed, princess, for your fate is worse than death. You shall sleep forever unless someone is stupid enough to kiss your clammy corpse. Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!" Seamus walked offstage, laughing wickedly.
"Oh, poor princess!" Dean leapt onstage. "I, your guardian sprite, will find such a stupid man prince to kiss you and break the spell. See you soon!"
Ron shuffled onstage, looking around in bewilderment.
"I am the Prince Princelyton, in search of a fair maid with a good mind and independent spirit to join with me in the archaic bonds of holy matrimony." He announced.
"If that's not stupid, I don't know what is!" Dean quickly approached Ron. "Oh, fair prince, I know of just such a maid. She lies in yonder castle under a curse made by-"
"Wait! Let me guess. Tell me what made the curse and I shall guess what it is." Ron held up a hand.
"It is a curse induced by a potion made of these ingredients: liverwort, snail horn, moon dust, periwinkle and poppyseeds." Dean rattled off a list. "It is triggered by textiles and expires after sixteen years."
"Goodness! You can't mean the sleeping draught! The one that must be boiled in a solid copper cauldron for sixteen hours on the sixteenth day of the tenth and sixth months!" Ron exclaimed.
"Indeed, good sir. Quickly, go to the castle and awaken her with your first kiss. It can only be you!"
"Right!" Ron dashed towards Hermione. "Away we go!"
He kissed her on the lips. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at him.
"What is the name of my savior?"
"I am Love Princelyton. Prince Love Princelyton." Ron smiled. "I enjoy long walks on the beach and independent-minded women. My dream is to one day become the best stay at home dad ever!"
"Oh you're perfect! Truly I have been saved by Love's first kiss!" Hermione shouted in joy.
The two embraced.
"The end!" Dean and Seamus cheered.
Well, they did include actual potion ingredients and information, although their acting was sub-par. B+ Mr. Flansberg scribbled down the grade.
Hermione and Ron pranced back to their potions bench and played footsies with each other. Dean and Seamus ate M&Ms out of each other's potion scales. Harry sighed.
"Everyone has someone but me."
"What about that Reagan? You seemed pretty keen on that one." Neville tried to cheer his friend up.
"No…she asked someone else out." Harry moped.
"Oh. Well, you could ask Bridgit or Cora out. I'd go with Cora, personally. More protection." Neville twitched nervously.
"But she ran off somewhere and has been gone for days. Everyone always leaves me or dies. I haven't even heard from my Godfather in over a month. He was supposed to send me a letter yesterday for international godchild day."
"Now it seems that the plays are over. But believe me, the good news doesn't stop there. Apparently we have a new student transferring in from Themescara. Her name is Mary Sue Evrybadi. Hopefully some of the new person animosity, if not all, will rub off on her. Then I'll be safe." He sighed.
A girl walked into the room and everyone gasped. Not just because she was a girl, but because she was a pretty girl. She had mysterious eyes that seemed to change colour in the light, but favored a doe brown, natural platinum blond hair and small rainbow wings emerging from each shoulder blade.
"Hello everyone." Her melodious voice wafted over and entrapped them all. "I am Mary. Sue. I am from the hidden island of Themescara. I am daughter of Pegasus Ur, high preist of the temple of Ponyland. Since I am a high priestess, I can take on a humanoid form instead of my natural Pegasus body. I have come to Hogwarts to study the ways of humans so that I can save my island from certain damnation. President Ahab has been leading pony congress in a debate over what to do about the Glass Princess Porcina. She has been using Pegasus manes to make her new magical cloak. Once she has made it, she will regain her powers and use them to turn all of Themescara into glass. Pony congress has been going on for three consecutive weeks and can't come up with a solution. It's a veritable filibuster. Everyone except for Spyglass thinks we should stop her. Spyglass thinks a more important issue is the carrot shortage at Sunrise Creek. We simply don't know what to do!" She said, her voice filled with a sorrow of indeterminate depths.
"Oh no, that's awful." Harry breathed.
"That's stupid. Why don't you just kill Spyglass? He sounds like a moron. Then the rest of you can get back to saving your island." Mr. Flansberg muttered.
Mary Sue's eyes lit up, shining bright blue.
"Oh, you have saved Themescara and the holy temple of Pony Land!" She clapped her hands together, tears streaming from her eyes. "I shall relay a message to my father, Ur, and then I can truly enjoy my time here with the students." She looked particularly and intently at Harry, "really enjoy."
"Blimey." Harry whispered, barely audible.
"Uh…okay. Just take a seat anywhere you want." Mr. Flansberg offered.
She strode purposefully up to Harry and sat in his lap.
"Is this seat taken?" She asked softly.
"No." Harry's glasses fogged up.
"I hate my life." Mr. Flansberg muttered.
"Mr. Flansberg!" Replacement Goyle jumped up. "I have a problem too! I had someone that I followed no matter what, and now they have abandoned me. What should I do with my life?"
"Uhhh…Any other questions? No? Uh. I guess…you could always just get a hobby or make new friends. You know…try new things and see what you're interested in? Yes?" Mr. Flansberg, taken aback, offered some paltry, cliché advice.
"You're right! The world is mine! Carpe diem! Thanks Mr. Flansberg! I'm going to recommend you as a problem solver to everyone I see today!" He ran out the door.
"Class is dismissed." Mr. Flasberg said stiffly. "I have to go find somewhere to hide."
"Well, Harry, do you think you could show me around this big school? My island is oh so small and I could get very lost here." She batted her long eyelashes.
"Absolutely! There's nothing I don't know about the school!" Harry blurted out. "We can start by- hey, how did you know my name?"
She looked wistfully off into the distance.
"I don't know. It must be destiny."
"Sure. Destiny. I think I like destiny." Harry smiled, leading her from the potions dungeon by the hand.
Sammy stood outside dressed in a woman's tuxedo with a cape, pacing back and forth waiting for Reagan by the front doors. The doors swung open and Reagan stepped daintily past the threshold, grasping the hem of his purple garb swishing across the flagstones.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, tee hee!" He planted a light peck on Sammy's cheek.
"Ah…Here, this is for you." Sammy held out a potted plant, hiding the slight flush in her cheeks. "I left the orchids in the pot because I know how much you like things when they're alive."
"Oh! Phaeleonopsis! My favorite!" Reagan breathed, accepting the gift.
"Shall we?" She offered her arm.
He smiled in reply and took it. They promendaded down a path to a large glass carriage. Reagan's smile widened. Everything was so perfect, like it was a dream.
"Oh my! It's beautiful!"
The carriage was shaped like a Coca-Cola bottle and was pulled by four snow-white polar bears.
"The consumerism and polar bears remind me so much of home." He teared up slightly. "How much did this cost, Sammy?"
"Not too much, my dear." Sammy smiled nervously.
In truth…Coca-Cola had paid her. She felt like such a corporate whore, but it was all for her beloved.
"We'd better get going before the opera starts." Sammy suggested, offering her arm again to help Reagan into the carriage. Not that she thought he couldn't get in on his own, but from wearing skirts, she knew how hard it hard it was to get around in long clothing, such as Reagan's robe.
The polar bears lumbered gracefully down the lane, their breath escaping in clouds in the nippy night air.
"Sammy, I can tell how much you've done to make sure this evening is very special for us both, and I wanted to thank you for that." He gave her hand a squeeze.
"We should have done this a long time ago." She mused.
"What's important is that we finally have." He smiled.
"MAN OVERBOARD!" They heard the carriage driver scream.
Sammy and Reagan were snapped out of their romantic reverie and looked up through the glass to find that the driver was no longer there.
"Where did he go?" Sammy breathed.
FWUMP!
"GRAAAAAAAAAAGH!" A velociraptor smashed its face against the glass, its ugly yellow eye narrowing in to focus on the two. "HUNGRY!" It started to butt its head against the carriage, causing a myriad of spider-like cracks to appear and grow in the glass.
"Quick, out the other side!" Reagan pulled his new girlfriend out of the carriage as the raptor smashed through the transparent barrier. Frustrated at being deprived of its prey, it continued to scream obscenities.
"Why are raptors talking?" Reagan voiced the strong question on his mind.
"How about, why are there raptors?" Sammy pointed out dryly.
"You kids run back to the castle! I'll hold them off!" The carriage driver, not yet dead, fought to stave off the raptors with his whip, which doubled as a wand.
"Lumos!"
FWA-CHIH!
"Lumos!"
FWA-CHIH!
"Lumos!"
FWA-CHIH!
"Uhhh…is that the only spell you know? Because it's kind of just making them angry." Sammy pointed out.
"Well, there's a reason that my profession is bottle-shaped chariot-driving!" The driver retorted.
While the two were occupied, a third velociraptor started sneaking up behind the driver to take him out.
"We're going to need a little more firepower! Infernace!" Reagan continued his proud tradition of terrible jokes.
Everyone smelled burning chicken.
"DEAD!" One of the raptors noted.
The remaining raptors threw back their heads and howled,
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Quick! While they're blinded by grief we must attack!" Sammy shouted, bringing herself to the ready.
"I'll go for help!" The carriage driver shouted, running away.
"You yellow bastard!" Reagan shouted after him, irked at the burnination of their perfect evening.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" The raptors shouted, getting ready for a second attack.
Reagan put his plant next to the carriage and prepared for battle.
"Immobulus!" Sammy shouted, freezing the raptor in its tracks.
"GHHHHHHHH." It hissed through frozen teeth.
"HUNGRYYYYYYY!" The other raptor shouted, stomping on Reagan's plant.
There was a collective gasp as everyone looked to see if the plant was okay. As luck would have it, the orchids stuck out from in between the raptor's toes unharmed. Unfortunately, Orchids are a very fragile plants and the extreme shock caused it to wither and die on the spot, turning an ugly shade of brown.
"You killed it!" Reagan hissed, his face suddenly turning dark with anger.
Sammy shuddered. She'd never seen him like this.
"HUNGRY!" The raptor charged at him.
"Explodeus!" Reagan screamed, his face contorted in rage.
A ball of fire erupted, consuming both raptors in an explosion that reduced them into piles of ash. His anger still not satiated, Reagan continued on his rampage.
"Reagan smash!" He punched another hole in the glass carriage.
"Ragh!" He bellowed, throwing one of the polar bears against the tree.
"Reagan, calm down! The raptors are gone." Sammy grabbed him by the shoulders to try and restrain him.
As if he had no clue who she was (or for some reason suddenly hated her) Reagan grabbed her forearms, spun her around in a half circle and threw her towards a tree. Before she smashed into it, though, she suddenly stopped as if seized mid-air by some invisible force.
"What in the name of Nostradamus' nose hairs is going on here?" Dumbledore demanded, walking boldly into the clearing trailed by the carriage driver.
"He's not himself, sir. I don't know what happened." Sammy explained as she was placed softly on the ground.
"Oh, abusive relationships are so sad. And statistically speaking, you'll always go back to the same partner." Dumbledore gave a heavy sigh.
"No, sir, something's wrong! He tried to hurt the polar bear. He loves polar bears!"
"Sudden, inexplicable anger? Was there any noticeable trigger?" Dumbledore asked as calmly as he staved off Reagan's sudden aggressive onslaught towards him.
"Well, he was okay kind of when our date was ruined by being attacked by velociraptors with a limited vocabulary, but he really went nuts when it killed his plant." Sammy tried to explain without sounding stupid.
"He appears to be consumed by an irrational rage. He shall have to be restrained so that he doesn't pose a risk to himself or others." He reasoned aloud. "The tower dungeon should suffice."
With a wave of his wand, he magically apparated Reagan into said tower dungeon.
"I thought the grounds of Hogwarts were imbued with magic to prevent teleportation." Sammy objected.
"Oh yeah. That's for other people, though. Not me." Dumbledore calmly explained.
"What room in the tower did you send him to?" Sammy, giving in to that explanation in irritation, asked the most important question.
"To the room where I kept my secret cat." Dumbledore explained.
"I'm sorry…what?" Sammy gave him a strange look.
"Well, ever since I killed my goldfish, Professor McGonagall hasn't let me have a pet that could die permanently." He sighed.
"Well, what happened to your secret cat?" Sammy gave in and asked the question that Dumbledore's sparkling eyes begged and pleaded her to ask.
"His name was Tuck Everlasting." He sighed dreamily. "And I used to feed him gumdrop stew, but he would never eat my cooking. Well, after months of no food, I'll bet he's ready and willing for food now! Har har har!" He laughed, brushing a merry tear from his eye. "Cats. You gotta be firm."
"As long as you feed Reagan –real food- I'm good." Sammy admitted. "What do you think happened? Is he under a curse? And why were we attacked by raptors?"
"Maybe someone just really doesn't want you to have a good date. Har har har!" Dumbledore slapped his knee.
"Something just doesn't feel right here…" She had a sudden premonition. "Do you know where Harry is?"
"I dunno. In the school, I guess. Shouldn't you be more worried about your boyfriend?"
"That's what they want." Sammy said breathlessly as she sprinted back towards the school.
"Hey wait! I thought maybe you'd want to smoke some candy with me!" Dumbledore shouted after her.
"I'm game if you are." The driver offered.
"Dude…you only know lumos. Like I'd smoke anything with you! Now go collect your polar bears and get off of my school!" Dumbledore stomped off to alert Madame Pomfrey of Reagan's condition and location.
"What's this?" Mary Sue asked, sparkling eyes wide and Double D chest heaving in excitement.
"That, is what we call a chair. You sit on it." Harry explained.
"Oh! We don't have those in Themescara. You see, a Pegasus in her natural form does not need to sit." She explained.
"That's so interesting." Harry put his arm around her shoulder. "And, as both a woman and a person, I respect your views and what you have to say."
"I'm so glad that I met someone as nice, kind and handsome as you on my first day." She blushed.
"Tee hee." Harry nervously rubbed the back of his head.
"Say…could you show me to that dark, secluded hallway over there?" Mary Sue pointed coyly down a dark and secluded hallway.
"It must be destiny." Harry muttered, glasses fogging up again.
"We don't have anything dark and secluded in Themescara. Everything is full of sunrays or moonbeams and is public domain. In fact, the whole island is just one open space. Although, it does make sex quite troublesome."
"Well, right this way, my lady." He gestured ahead of himself, overjoyed to be with an experienced woman.
"Umm…if it's alright, could you go first? As interested as I am, it's still a little scary." Her gaze fluttered to the ground, shyly embarrassed at her childish fears.
"No problem. There's nothing to be afraid of, just follow me." Harry strode forth boldly, Mary Sue slightly cowering behind him and peered about in interest.
"Just around this corner is a very nice – Ahhhhhhh!"
An unknown force closed around his ankle and pulled straight up, causing him to dangle up-side-down, suspended from the ceiling. He reached for his wand only to find that it had fallen out of his pocket and clattered to the floor below.
"Mary Sue, could you please hand me my wand. There might be danger here." Harry urgently requested of her.
Mary Sue stooped over and picked up the wand, but then hesitated for a moment, looking pensive in her own stunning way.
"Harry…I have a confession to make." She began softly. "I'm not really a high priestess Pegasus in the form of a human from Themescara."
"Are you from Prague? Because that's okay…I don't feel the same way as everyone else." Harry offered, swinging back and forth.
"Alas, no. I am really a golem sent here to lead you into this trap." Her face went blank and her voice lost all of its emotion and allure as she revealed her secret. Then, her boobs popped off and her hair fell out.
"It's okay that you're a golem. I'll still love you." Harry said in a pleading voice.
There was no response from the now blank eyes of Mary Sue. Instead, a hideous whisper issued from the dark.
"It's no use, Mr. Potter. A golem has no feelings or free will unless its master tells it to. In other words…" the figure stepped into the dim light, "unless I tell her to."
Harry's eyes widened in recognition.
"You!" He man-gasped.