Chapter Twenty-four: Canada Food Guide Would NOT Recommend

"Good afternoon, ladies. Table for two?" The snappily dressed garcon crooned.

"Yes, my dear Jeeves. Away." Cora waved her hand dismissively.

"My, my, madame certainly seems to have the air of regal breeding." Jiles muttered between clenched teeth.

"No, she just talks down to everyone." Bridgit laughed.

"Silence, man-servant!" Cora snapped at her friend.

"I'm not a man." Bridgit sniffed.

"One moment please." Cora whirled around and whispered fiercely to Bridgit, "We're supposed to be posing as Death Eaters, remember? If we're not arrogant jerks, they'll suspect something is wrong. Remember: for all intents and purposes, assume this guy is non-magical and treat him like dirt."

"Yes, I agree." Bridgit announced loudly, looking at Jiles as if they'd been talking about him.

The two burst out laughing and Jiles felt a migraine starting.

"Here's your table, ladies. I shall away and fetch you some menus."

"See that you do." Cora said coldly.

"And, if possible, have the menus return without you." Bridgit added.

Jiles walked off in a snit to fetch the menus.

"Alright…so far so good." Cora sighed in relief.

"Right. Now all we have to do is order the stuff no one would want." Bridgit remembered aloud.

"And from what I heard it should be obvious." Cora sighed. "This is going to be annoying."

"Good afternoon, ladies. Here are you menus." A suave, condescending and evil platinum-haired man sauntered up to the table. "May I recommend that you hurry up and order and get out of here as soon as possible." He smiled coldly.

"Very well." Cora met his coldness with her own chilly grin. "Leave the menus here and return in five minutes exactly. We shall order then."

He gave a curt, superficial bow.

"As you wish." He spun on his heel and clicked off.

"He looked kind of familiar. Have we met him somewhere before?" Bridgit wondered aloud.

"Who cares?" Cora started to read the menu.

In fact, their server should have seemed familiar. Luckily for Bridgit and Cora, he hadn't recognized them either. Lucius Malfoy clenched his fist in anger, his refined features melting into a cheesy pot of hatred. Since the revival of Lord Voldemort, his master had felt the need to improve both himself and his cult-ish organization. This, however, required substantial monetary funds. Since the Dark Lord's bank account had been frozen, he demanded a hefty sum from each of his servants in order to revamp the Death Eaters. Since Lucius had spent a fair bit of money on his Faberge Egg collection, the additional drain of the Army of Darkness had resulted in him seeking a part time waiting job to make ends meet. He never spoke of this to Draco. The knowledge of his father's service to the lowly masses would shatter the icy fear he had instilled in his offspring. That would not do, as he had just gotten Draco to the point where he no longer was allowed to make eye contact. He gave a thin smile. He may not have had much power at this moment, but his children could always cheer him up.

"Okay, so our choices: For entrees are steak and kidney pie, or rancid sheep face. For appetizers: blood pudding or kitten and puppy blood soup. For drinks: 1965 Merlot or cow mucous. And for desert: Snail Surprise or ground-up newt gonads parfait. So now, my question is: which do we not want to eat?" Bridgit was starting to get edgy.

"My tastes are impeccable. Those losers at the school always eat steak and kidney pie, so obviously we need to order the rancid sheep face." Cora smugly deduced. "I'm not sure about the drinks, though."

"Well, obviously we'd want the Merlot over the cow mucous." Bridgit pointed out in revulsion.

"Are you joking? 1965 was a terrible year!"

"Is there really any difference between the blood pudding and the kitten and puppy blood soup?" Bridgit asked.

"Well, depends on what kind of blood is in the pudding. If it's human blood or unicorn blood, then we'd want the kitten and puppy blood. But if it's cow or pig blood, those aren't cute so no one cares if they died."

"Okay. So all that's left to decide is desert. I'm not terribly sure, but I think we should order the newt gonad parfait."

"Agreed." Cora nodded.

Less than thirty seconds later, Lucius Malfoy glided up to their table again.

"And what shall madame and madame be having this evening?" He took out his waiter pad and pencil.

"Before we order, what kind of blood is in the blood pudding?" Cora asked snottily.

"Cow blood. Shouldn't that be obvious?" Lucius sneered at her.

"If I were in the service industry, I would mind my tongue around people of higher calling." Bridgit scathingly warned him.

"I apologize." He smiled in anger and gave a little bow.

"Right. We shall have the cow mucous, kitten and puppy blood soup, rancid sheep face and the ground up newt gonad parfait for desert." Cora haughtily ordered.
"It's parfat."

"I'm sorry?"

"Parfat. The desert is newt gonad parfat." Lucius pointed out.

"Isn't it pronounced parfait?" Bridgit asked.

"Yes, parfait is pronounced parfait. But this is parfat. And it's exactly what it sounds like." Lucius sneered down his nose at them.

"Wonderful. Exactly what we want. Be gone, foul kitchen servant." Cora threw her menu at his head.

"It has been a pleasure serving you this evening." Lucius hissed, snatching Bridgit's menu from her hands and stalking off.

"I don't want to eat that stuff." Bridgit whined softly.

"Don't worry, it's just enchanted to look gross. It's really the same thing as the other stuff." Cora reassured her friend.

"I know that." She was not looking forward to any of it.

Hermione and Ron sat in the library. Hermione was pouring through books while Ron pretended to read an upside down comic book. Finally, growing impatient, he dropped it on the tabletop and sighed.

"Look, I still don't see why you're doing so much research. Hasn't the mystery been solved and the bad guy apprehended? I mean, we've got Severedhead, so it's over…right?"

"I don't think so, Ronnykins. This doesn't feel right. It's been almost too easy…too…short. We're a little more than halfway through the year. Usually things get solved maybe a week before the end of school. I mean, it's too early and the entire mystery was far too straightforward. Usually there's a bunch of stuff going on at once, there've not been any secrets about the defense against the dark arts teacher and usually the bad guy is the person we didn't suspect it was." She listed everything off.

"Well…didn't we think the bad guy was Snape?" Ron ventured.

"Oh yeah. Right." She conceded. "But that still means one thing: we have to do industrial research on Professor Summersong. She's hiding something and we're going to find out what it is."

"Oh, Hermione, do we have to break into the ministry again?" Ron sighed.

"Maybe not. We'll see." Her face darkened slightly.

"Waugh….too much parfat." Bridgit moaned, slowly and agonizingly sliding desert down her throat.

"Those cherries in the parfat tasted weird." Cora complained.

"They were really snails. Don't you remember?" Bridgit felt like she was going to cry.

"I wish I hadn't." Cora turned a little green.

Their facades instantly snapped up again as Lucius returned to their table.

"Shall there be anything else for you this evening?" He asked, with acid pleasantness.

"That will be all." Cora gave a dismissive wave.

"Right, then would you like your bill?"

"No thanks. I left it in my other pants." Bridgit said meaningfully.

Lucius' eyebrows shot up and late understanding dawned in his eyes.

"I see." He was taken aback. "Well, then. Here are your after dinner mints." He reached into his pocket and pulled out two objects that, for all intents and purposes, were indeed mints. He gave that same ridiculous salute Cora had seen at the store. Thankfully, they'd rehearsed it.

Taking the mints, they returned the salute and Lucius, smiling coldly in a slightly more friendly way, walked off.

"Right. Off to find Castle Mount Snake Pit." Cora popped her mint in her mouth.

"I'm never going to the Binary Byte Café again." Bridgit ate her mint quickly to try and soothe her upset stomach.

Taking the smooth elevator down, the two walked out the doors to try to find their goal. It didn't take very long.

"Hey…was that big castle on top of Parliament before we ate at the restaurant?" Bridgit pointed.

"My God! They built it on top of the Parliament building and no one noticed?" Cora asked incredulously.

"Well, I guess that's magic for you. Now how to get in…"

"We could follow these arrows that point the way. Evidently once you can see everything, it becomes all too clear." Cora mused.

"Quickly! To the top of the building!" Bridgit dashed off, Cora closely behind.

"But…I don't understand. How can it possibly be you?" Harry incredulously demanded of the tiny figure standing beneath him.
"Quite simple, really." Chewie barked madly, "This is not my true form. I infiltrated the school with the greatest of ease as that stupid elf's Seeing Eye dog and then once I disposed of him, I was able to run free and unguarded around the castle as I saw fit."

"But I thought Severedhead was behind all of the attacks." Harry spluttered.

"That idiot? I helped him get into the school covertly in order to use his imbecilic attempts at siblingicide as a cover for my own, more subtle operations. The only thing that moron actually did by himself was shove his brother in a closet with a violin." Chewie snuffled in an almost cute way. "And then he hid for months in the girl's bathroom while I carried out my plans."

"But why go to so much trouble to sabotage the relations between Canada and Britain by attacking the exchange students? It doesn't make any sense." Harry asked.

"No, it doesn't make any sense; largely because that's not what I was doing. Sure, I wanted them out of the way, but not any more than any other obstacle that stood in my way to get to you, Mr. Potter."

"What?"

"Surely you must have figured it out by now? The purpose of your foreign "friends"? It's not an exchange of good will. That's just a cover story. They're advanced students of a special dark arts combat school sent here to play bodyguard to you and the castle. It was the only way to get them in under the Ministry's nose." Chewie bared his little teeth.

"…What?"

"Agh! No matter. It seems trying to explain this to you is in vain. The important thing is that Snape's poisoning and the recent raptor attack have distracted all of your would-be protectors and left you vulnerable to my attack. I shall now show you, Mr. Potter, my true form! AI HAI HAI HAI HAI HAI HAIIIIIII!" He chillingly laughed in his little dog voice.

"Mary Sue! Help me, please!" Harry shouted at her. "Surely something within you has still retained the humanity you so elegantly reflected."

"Does not compute. Please enter new command code." Mary Sue said mechanically.

"She can't hear you boy," Chewie seethed as his body began to twist and distort as it assumed a new form. "She only lives for orders from me. Without them, she is nothing." Saliva dripped from his jowls as he continued to grow and put on muscle mass.

"What are you-"

"There! Now you see my true form!" Chewie howled in triumph.

He was now a fair-sized English Poodle. A veritable giant compared to his previous form.

"Uhh…okay." Harry found this far from threatening.

"You may not think me a threat, but let's see how blasé you are as I rip your throat out." Chewie growled menacingly. "Har har har ha- Aiiiii!"

Chewie slammed against a nearby wall and slumped to the ground, completely still.

"Usually I don't condone violence against animals, but I guess I can make an exception this time." Sammy gave a cliché entrance line, stepping from the shadows from which she had kicked Chewie.

"Sammy, please help me down. All the blood's rushing to my head." Harry begrudgingly asked his rival.

"No problem."

"Not so fast, meddling philistine!" Chewie growled in his lower poodle voice.

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?" Sammy asked snidely, continuing to lower Harry to the ground.

"I may still be a dog, but I can maul like a wolverine." Chewie snarled, launching himself at Sammy.

"Ahh!" Chewie sunk his teeth into Sammy's calf, giving it a firm shake and causing minor battle damage. "Get off!" Sammy swung her leg and used it to hit Chewie against the wall again and again.

The dog's jaw went slack and its eyes rolled back into its head.

You may have defeated that form. A misty, pervasive voice echoed, but there's more where that came from. Now to reveal my true form!

The still form of the poodle temporarily became an amorphous blob. Mounds of flesh folded in upon themselves and formed into a streamlined, muscular hellhound. Its eyes burned with a fiery rage and its rank, hot breath escaped from between pointed incisors. With a hideously threatening click-click it stepped over the flagstones, saliva dripping to the floor, which it burned on contact.

"Well, crap. Now he's dangerous." Sammy muttered, limping slightly.

Harry stood up, having regained his wand, and glared at the menacing demon.

"You'll pay for what you did to Mary Sue." He declared before all who could hear him.

"Are you stupid? I told you three times: she's a golem!" Chewie rolled his eyes.

"Well, I never pay attention in care of magical creatures. I mean, Hagrid gives me an easy A because I visit him and I'm an orphan." Harry shouted defiantly.

"You learn about golems in defense against the dark arts. They're not alive. Even I knew that." Sammy berated him.

"I hate you!" Harry wailed, flailing his arms as he prepared to attack Chewie.

To cover her ally's impulsive advance, Sammy decided it would be prudent to cast a spell.

"Parmaae!" Sammy shouted as a shield enveloped Harry.

"I am ironman! Da nu nu nu nu nu nu nu ironman!" Harry sang as he jumped on Chewie's back and wailed on his head with bare fists.

The shield protected Harry from Chewie's protesting fangs and acid. However, Harry's tawdry attacks were far from useful and seemed to be having little more than an annoying affect.

"I'll get you, brat! But, first, strategy dictates- blargh!" Chewie spat acid at Sammy in an attempt to dispel the shield.

Sammy barely got out of the way and part of her sleeve got burned by the harsh, unknown chemicals.

"Ahhh! My coat! You bitch!" Sammy spluttered in utter horror.

"I'm male, thank you very much." Chewie snarled, although slightly saddened that he would never be able to create the miracle of life.

"Harry, get out of the way!" Sammy shouted.

"Can do, buddy!" Harry leapt off of Chewie's back and made a hasty retreat as Sammy broke off the shield.

"Infernace!" Sammy shouted, launching fire at Chewie.

"Fool!" Chewie swelled in the heat. "I am a fire elemental. Your feeble attacks only add to my HP!"

"Dammit! That's my standard attack. Now I have to think of a new one!" Sammy sulked.

"I know! It's so easy. Water beats fire." Harry had an epiphany. "Aspergere monstis!"

A tiny stream of water shot from the end of Harry's wand, about the intensity of the common water pistol. It hit Chewie in the left eye.

"AGH! My eye! That was my favorite eye – the left one!" Chewie yowled in pain.

"Ha ha ha! You see? Water is the answer!" Harry triumphantly shouted.

"I'll KILL YOU!" Chewie launched himself at Harry.

"Winguardium leviosa!" Sammy used the spell that gives us pain to write to launch the heavy, stone Mary Sue at Chewie.

Thanks to her epic-like reflexes, the statue caught Chewie in mid-air, slamming the hellhound to the floor and breaking his back.

"Thanks, I owe you one." Harry was a little more pale.

"Well, all's well that ends well." Sammy sighed, quite relieved that this was over.

Well done, indeed, master Sammy. However, how do think you shall fare against my true form?

"What the hell? I thought that was your true form!" Sammy shouted.

Ah, yes. It was a clever lie. And you fell for it!

"Dammit!" She cursed again.

The ever-malleable Chewie then transformed into an immense, fire-breathing Cerberus. However, he was too immense for the size of their dark, secluded corridor.

"Curses! You'd think I would have thought that through a little more!" Chewie's immense paws clawed against the stone floor, creating long gashes but doing nothing more.

"He's trapped! Let's get out of here and find help." Sammy suggested.

"You're not going anywhere!" The Cerberus tried feebly to lash out with his claws, but didn't do a very good job.

"Wait! What about Mary Sue?" Harry asked desperately.

"AGH! For the last time: SHE'S. NOT. REAL!" Chewie roared, stomping on Mary Sue, shattering her into fragments and breathing fire at them.

"Look out, Harry!" Sammy shouted, wrestling him to the ground in order to avoid the fire.

"This is beyond pain now." Harry's eyes were dry. "This is about stopping evil before it can continue…in the name of Mary Sue! It's what she would have wanted." He leapt to his feet.

Sensing Harry's strange need for revenge, Sammy followed suit with a newfound respect for Harry's will and a newfound plummet of admiration for his intelligence.

"Immobulous!" Sammy shouted.

The confined Chewie became further useless as all movement was ceased. He couldn't even blink.

"Go for it, Harry!" Sammy gave him his Christmas/birthday/wizard's jubilee present. How generous.

"Glaciesei fodere fusteisis!" A giant icicle, forming in mid air, plunged itself deep into Chewie's chest, stabbing him through the heart.

His vocal chords completely frozen, Chewie made no sound as the life began to extinguish from his eyes.

"Please, for the love of God, tell me that was his last form." Sammy pleaded in a hoarse voice. "I'm almost fresh out of potions and I don't have any phoenix downs."

Think again. The Dark Lord allots at least five forms to a transmorphing agent. Only the Dark Lord himself knows what these forms are. So, through me, I shall give to you Lord Voldemort's chosen final terror! Chewie's sinister floaty voice sent a chill down both their spines.

The Cerberus collapsed in upon itself and a bright light shone as a dense object began to form in the middle of the floor.

"Is it a bomb?" Sammy asked in alarm.

"Or a basilisk?" Harry braced himself.

Sammy shook her head.

"Hi guys, what are you doing?" Ron came up from behind Sammy and Harry.

The two jumped and whirled around. Sammy cursed at having been distracted and turned back to face…

"Oh, wow! An apple. I'm hungry." Ron smiled widely, walked up to the apple in the middle of the floor and began to eat it.

Sammy and Harry watched the entire time as Ron ate the whole thing, unable to tell him that he had just eaten someone. Ron let out a satisfied sigh, licked his fingers and patted his stomach.

"Man, that was one of the best apples I've ever eaten. It tasted a bit like steak." Ron giggled. "OH MY GOD! What happened to the new girl?" He jumped up, pointing in horror at Mary Sue's remains. "Gosh, Harry, I didn't believe you when you said you weren't any good at snogging. Do you need me to help bury the body? I heard through the grapevine that Hagrid's pumpkin patch is a good place to get rid of unwanted evidence."

"No, Ron. She was killed in the line of duty. Anyone from Ponyland would have done the same. We'll ask Dumbledore what kind of service we should provide." Harry said solemnly.

"Yeah…we should probably tell him about this." Sammy admitted.

While Sammy strode off to find Dumbledore, Harry and Ron stood guard over Mary Sue's shattered remains. Ron, in a rare moment of insight, suddenly looked intently at the remains.

"Hey wait- she's a golem." He pointed.

"SHE WAS THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED!" Harry broke down and started bawling.

"Hey, I'm sorry, mate." Ron patted him on the back.