Chapter Thirty: The Surprise Ending
Squelch!
"Hooray! We killed the last one." Bridgit cheered as the final dementor was felled.
"Good thing, too. We're down to our last ten mole warriors." Cora relaxed.
It had been a close call.
"Are you guys up for some more battling?" Bridgit asked the remaining mole warriors politely, knowing Neville's grandmother was up for anything that involved violence.
"Of course we are. As bachelors, we are the scum of our society and at your service." The mole warriors bowed.
"Very well, then. Onwards! To destroy the Deatheaters!" Cora lead the charge.
With a mighty, if not noticeably diminished, roar, the small force charged toward the final battlefield ready to fight, if need be, to the death.
"Mwa ha ha ha ha!" Voldemort laughed, a cold, high-pitched sound. "Can't you see? Your lives mean nothing to me. Killing you causes me no more thought than killing an insect."
"Hermione! HERMIONE! Can you hear me? Say something!" Ron yelled, shaking Hermione's body with a strength born of desperation.
Harry was just staring at Hermione, a blank look in his eyes.
"HERMIONE!"
"She can't-"
"HERMIONE!"
"I said, she can't-"
"HERMIONE!"
"Shut up!" Voldemort roared. "Not only have you denied my glory on too many occasions, but now you won't even afford me my moment of triumphant gloating. No more! I shall kill you, and then your ruination of my dramatic devices shall be forever ceased.
"Harry, it's no good." Ron shook his head, tears streaming down his face. "You have to avenge Hermione. You can mourn later."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Not that I won't avenge her, but what about you?"
"I'm busy right now." Ron then broke out sobbing, hugging her corpse close in the throes of his despair.
"Don't worry, Ron. I'll take care of it."
Harry regained his feet, glaring so darkly at Voldemort that the dark lord almost felt a twinge of unease. Luckily the boy, he knew, was a sorry sod of a student.
"Let's end this." Harry seethed.
Voldemort only smiled in reply, bringing his wand to the ready.
Oh, God, please don't let them see me. Oh, God, please don't let them see me. Mr. Flansberg prayed silently, eyes squeezed shut.
If only it weren't so damn hot and stuffy in here.
In an effort to stay alive during the magical battle, he had crawled up Hagrid's back and was hiding under his exhumed moleskin overcoat. This caused the giant to become even more unsightly as he appeared to have an uneven hunchback. Hagrid, unaware of his new parasite, continued stomping through the battlefield using his pink umbrella without resignation. For some strange reason, any Deatheaters seemed unable to hit him with any magic.
"I can' believe I'm no' dead yet." Hagrid mused aloud. "Mebbe my shiny new 'ead mus' be lucky."
STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!
"In my day, battles were far more civil than this." Binns relentlessly followed and bored a Deatheater. "You would stop for tea at noon and never welch on a gentleman's bet."
"Oh, for the love of Merlin! It's not worth it!" The Deatheater finally snapped and ended his own life.
"Excellent." Binns smiled with droopy eyes. "Now for the next one."
"Go forth, The Audrey! And feed on the flesh of our enemies!" Madame Sprout boomed, flinging open the locked doors of the greenhouses.
Riding on a great, mossy hedge, she led her produce combatants into the fray.
"Philos Gigantus!" Flitwick waved his tiny arms in a rapid flurry.
His spell hit yet another unsuspecting Deatheater.
"Martin! I worship you!" The Deatheater fell to his knees, reaching out longingly towards the one he desired.
"And once I die, we shall be together again." Flitwick sighed, chopping the Deatheater's shins off with a chainsaw. "Now sit there await death's tender embrace."
"Yes, my love."
"Stop right there!" An unmistakably Spanish-accented voice called out.
"Who are you?" The evil professor whirled around.
"My name is Antigo Montoyez. You killed my brother, who was the captain of the hearing club. Prepare to die." The Deatheater ripped his mask off, eager for vengeance.
"That line is so trite, it must be from a movie." Flitwick sighed, rubbing his temples. "Very well, then, we shall duel. However, I must warn you that I-"
He was stopped mid-brag by a high grade freezing spell. Enveloped in a thick crystal of ice, Flitwick was killed instantly.
The Deatheater smiled bitterly.
"Frosted lucky charms. They're magically delicious." He took a moment to savor his revenge and then, purpose filled, walked off the battlefield.
"Well, I see that someone is monopolizing all of the killing." Cora sighed irately, watching the blood tornado that was Dumbledore dismember more and more Deatheaters.
"Bridgit! Cora! If you're here to help, then get cracking!" Sammy barked.
Bridgit was about to object to being yelled at, but, sizing up the situation, realized they were in desperate need for a more substantial defensive force.
As they assumed a defensive posture, Dumbledore suddenly stopped for a moment and shuddered. His gaze lifted to a specific location and when he spoke, it was quiet and urgent.
"I believe our young Mr. Potter is in danger." He noted.
"Why? Did they find his hiding- oh, crap. He's not hiding, is he?" Sammy felt like pulling her own hair out.
"It looks like he's over there with that snake-like guy." Reagan noted.
"That's Voldemort, dear." Dumbledore patted him on the shoulder.
"Oh." He shuddered. "I thought it was just some horrible mutant."
"Your assistance here is no longer required, students. It appears that Tigerlily and Minnerva have just conveniently arrived from having taken care of their zombies." Dumbledore nodded towards the two educators who had just come up to stand beside him.
"I…hate…zombies." McGonagall panted, quite out of breath from so much stabbing.
"What's going on?" Summersong asked, trying to assess the situation.
"Well, I'm just about to send these four to help young Mr. Potter against Voldemort." Dumbledore calmly explained.
"What?"
"Sure. We'll be back in five." Sammy grunted, running off with the others in tow.
"Voldemort doesn't stand a chance!" Cora laughed.
"Hang on, Harry, we'll save you!" Bridgit roared.
"Damn it!" Summersong hissed, charging after them.
"Immobulus!" Dumbledore cast a spell on her.
"What the hell, Albus?" She demanded through clenched teeth, unable to move most of her face.
"I need you here. Whatever personal past vendettas you may have must wait for later." He gave her a warning look.
"That's not what this is about. We can't let them face Voldemort! They're children!" She spoke at an impressive volume considering she couldn't move.
"Exactly!" Dumbledore smiled with a knowing twinkle in his eye. "As the late Mr. Weaseley often said, "children are protected by angels. It's very scientific, really.""
"Ron is dead?" Professor Summersong sounded shocked.
Dumbledore paused. "I assumed that, within that pile of dead Rons, surely one had to be the real one."
"It's Minnerva, Ablus. I think she may be a little-"
"Oh, so you need her do you?" McGonagall interrupted in a huff, taking this confusingly cryptic conversation as proof of yet another affair.
"Save it for later. There's work to be done." Dumbledore released Professor Summersong from his spell and resumed his destructive rampage in order to avoid McGonagall's prying questions.
Unable to abandon the headmaster, Summersong fought on grimly all the while knowing children were not protected by any angels. At least not today.
"I'm telling you, the floo network is broken!" Statey L'obvious, Head Girl of Slytherin stamped her foot.
"Shut it!" Bruce Dick, Head Boy, snapped. You can guess what the children called him. "Right, who wants to go home next?"
The students at the front of the line backed away as eager students from the back of the line all crowded forwards.
"Why are we running away, anyway? Aren't we all on the side of evil?" Cecil Patterdish posed his question.
"Yes, we are. But we're also all chicken shits." Statey answered.
"I want to go home!" A little Slytherin boy named Zzargle Z. Zorenson rushed forwards.
"A lot of fight in this one. I like that." Bruce nodded.
"Don't do it." Statey warned him.
"Shut up."
"Oh, why the hell not?" Statey gave in and shoved Zzargle into the fireplace.
His screams quickly gave way to silence as the pile of ash in the bottom of the fireplace grew larger.
"I told you it's broken! The Dark Lord shut it down so that none could escape. Didn't your parents tell you anything? Every student you've pushed in has been consumed by the flames." Statey gave Bruce an exasperated look.
"Well, if we're all stuck here anyway…" Malfoy drawled.
He walked up to the nearest painting and pulled it from the wall. Everyone followed suit and soon all students across all houses were united as one in their quest to loot the castle Hogwarts.
Ron sat next to Hermione, cradling her head as her body grew colder.
"I thought you said we would mourn later." Harry gave Ron a pointed look, figuring five minutes was enough time to get it out of his system.
"I said you could mourn later. I'm a little busy right now." He resumed sobbing.
"Fine then!" Harry rose to meet Voldemort's challenge and the spells began to fly as this long awaited confrontation between good and evil began.
"Where to first? Looks like Ron and Hermione might be in trouble." Bridgit noticed that Hermione was down and likely injured as the four friends arrived upon the scene.
"Oh no! I'll go and look after those two. You guys help Harry and I'll meet up with you after I know Hermione and Ron are okay." Reagan broke out of formation and ran toward the two.
"Reagan's right. Voldemort is, in a way, the source of their power. If we defeated him, the army would likely retreat. We have to take him out, no matter what the cost!" Sammy offered up her strategy.
"Cut the head off a snake and render it harmless." Bridgit said wisely.
"Stop using stupid metaphors! Let's get to work." Cora cut through their banter.
As they approached Harry, there was a temporary ceasefire as Voldemort took in this new situation and Harry took a breather.
"Are you okay?" Bridgit asked him, noticing that he was quite cut up and panting heavily.
"Fine." He answered curtly. "You guys should run. No need for you to get involved."
"Oh, yes there is." Cora ignored him and pushed her way in front to face Voldemort.
Her bravado was just that. His horrendous reputation preceding him, she felt so nervous that it was all she could do to stop herself from visibly shaking and vomiting. Also, she didn't like snakes very much.
"Picking on children, eh?" Cora demanded.
"He's no less a child than you three." Voldemort replied.
"Yeah…well…your face." Cora offered her crippled rebuttal.
"Cora, duck!" Sammy roared.
Already prepared for action, Cora dropped to the ground as Sammy cast a spell. Voldemort easily blocked it and laughed again.
"Hang on! We're coming!" They turned to see Neville's grandmother, grandson clutched in her arms, running towards them with the mole force in tow.
"It seems, here at Hogwarts, public living has destroyed your sense of privacy." Voldemort growled.
He raised his arms above his head and, with a single, thunderous clap, raised a ring of fire around them.
"No more interference." He narrowed his eyes, smiling in evil delight.
"Get out of the way." Harry pushed Cora back towards Sammy and Bridgit. "This is my fight. I must avenge my parent's death and that of Mary Sue and dear Hermione."
"Hermione's dead?" Bridgit looked at Cora in shock.
Cora looked back through the ring of fire at a sobbing Ron, and saw Reagan shake his head sadly.
"Uhhh…no. She looks like she'll get better, Harry. Why don't you let us do the avenging?" She suggested.
"Never! Voldemort, by the love that still binds me to my family and fallen comrades, I will destroy you!"
He charged at the monster, screaming the battle cry of a ten-year-old girl.
"Your mother's love can no longer protect you, boy, and your friends are beyond your reach now." He laughed again.
In a sweep of primal rage, Harry raised his wand.
"Expelliarimus!"
Voldemort easily stepped out of the way. Angered as he was, Harry's actions were large and predictable, as always.
"Immobulous!"
Laughing, Voldemort deflected the spell.
"Don't you see, boy? You are nothing!"
"You're wrong!" Harry shouted back.
"Then die!" Voldemort roared. "I will not tolerate another second of this."
With a flick of his wand, Voldemort caused Harry's glasses to leap off of his face and skitter to the ground.
"Now you can no longer see nor run."
"I don't need to see to destroy you!" Harry stepped forward, glaring, but happened to step on his glasses.
There was a crunch of shattering glass and Harry felt a sharp pain in his foot. He fell over, realizing with a lurch that a number of glass shards were embedded in the sole of his foot. Now, he could no longer run…for reals this time. Why the hell did England use shearing glasses in glasses anyway?
"I shall enjoy this." Voldemort raised his wand for the finishing blow.
Before he could cast the spell, Sammy, having snuck up behind him, pinned the dark lord's spindly arms behind his head, causing the spell to fly harmlessly into the night sky.
"Quickly! Get Harry to safety!" She shouted.
"There's nowhere safe! We're in a ring of fire!" Cora screamed back.
"Well, think of something! I already acted on my only bright idea."
"No! I will not be robbed of my moment of glory when the death of the boy who has made my life agony is so close." Voldemort struggled against Sammy's grip.
Bridgit, who had been reflecting on how worm-like Voldemort's complexion was, had a sudden flash of inspiration.
"Metamorpheus!" She cast a spell that encased Harry in an impenetrable cocoon. The only way to reach Harry now was for her to cast the counter-spell. Or for her to be killed… Voldemort, seeing his chances of revenge on Harry potentially destroyed, felt the rage of everything he had waited for through those long years slip through his fingers.
"No! I won't be robbed of my revenge!" Voldemort cast a silent spell and a wave of energy emitted from his body.
The wave slammed into Bridgit, Cora and Sammy throwing them all back. Bridgit and Cora slid painfully over the dirt and gravel while Sammy did not fare so well. Thrown into the wall of fire, she was propelled upwards and bounced up and down in the dancing flames like a hotdog-smelling marionette. By the time she landed outside the ring of fire she wasn't moving anymore.
"SAMMY!" Reagan shrieked, running to her side, tears streaming down his face.
"Ah, young love." Voldemort reminisced.
Horrified, Bridgit and Cora stared numbly at the scene behind them. Sammy was almost burned beyond recognition and Reagan was trying desperately to pull her back from the brink of death. So engrossed in this, they completely ignored Voldemort.
He was kicking the cocoon Harry was in.
"Open up, damn you! I will not let this rob me of my revenge!"
In utter fury, he lifted the cocoon above his head and threw it with all his might at the fire ring encircling them. The cocoon bounced off of the firewall and hit him in the head. The weight was too much and Voldemort fell over in a most undignified way.
"Bridgit! Cora! Get back to work! Your job's not finished here." Reagan barked at them, motivating them back into paying attention instead of rubber necking.
Bridgit shook off her emotional shock first and took this rare opportunity to deal a stunning blow.
"Accio Voldemort's wand!" She shouted, for lack of a better spell.
Having the wand in her grasp, she snapped it in two and threw it into the fire.
"Noooo! Damn you!" Voldemort howled in rage.
"All right!" Bridgit and Cora exchanged mid-air high fives.
"Now that his wand's gone, he can't do anything!" Bridgit cheered.
"We are so awesome." Cora smiled.
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Voldemort laughed.
"Yeah, it is funny when you look at the big picture, isn't it?" Bridgit mused.
Instead of replying, a jet of lightning shot from the end of his finger and narrowly missed striking Bridgit.
"What the hell? That shouldn't have happened!" Cora screamed.
"Yeah. British wizards need to amplify their magic with wands! And we broke yours." Bridgit was, as always, tremendously confused.
"That is often true. However, finding a wand a potential handicap, I also bound myself to a magical animal." Voldemort explained. "Just for situations like this."
He chuckled coldly.
"Also, I find that I like to have something in common with…my offspring." He gave them a cunning look.
Bridgit and Cora stared blankly at him.
"Ah, I see you are shocked by my dramatic reveal!" Voldemort crowed.
"What?" Cora couldn't quite grasp it.
"I don't get it." Bridgit whined.
"It is quite simple, really. Bridgit…I am your father!" Voldemort yelled.
"WHAT?"
"And Cora is your sister!" He continued.
"Oh. Well, I already knew that." Bridgit relaxed.
"Well, I DIDN'T!" Cora screamed.
"Yes, I realized it when you were able to reach my innermost sanctum back in Castle Mount Snakepit. For, you see, that room has an enchantment such that only one with my blood can enter. All others would be destroyed." In a strange display of paternal blindness, he glazed over their stupidity with the rest of his inane story.
"Wow, Bridgit. I can't believe you're my sister!" Cora smiled warmly at her lifelong friend.
"In my heart, I always knew it was the truth!" Bridgit and Cora embraced.
"Enough! Now that you know the truth, you will join me. Together we can destroy Potter and rule the wizarding world as father and daughters!" Voldemort offered them the world, arm outstretched in a symbolic and highly plagiarized gesture.
"Are you serious?" Cora gave him a look.
"Who'd want to rule over all those idiots? Too much work!" Bridgit was tired just thinking of it.
"I see." Voldemort's face fell a little. "Well, it can't be helped. You're also your mother's children, and she was chronically lazy. Too bad for you."
"We may be lazy, but we know magic!" Bridgit shot back.
"Oh? You still wish to challenge me?" He raised an eyebrow, highly unamused.
Instead of answering, they resorted to cheating, something that made his heart slightly swell with pride. At least they weren't complete goody two shoes.
"Lapsus Labi!" Cora cast a quick spell, causing Voldemort's helmet to slide down over his eyes.
Momentarily distracted, Bridgit levitated the giant cocoon and flung it at the Dark Lord with all her might.
PING!
The cocoon rebounded off of an invisible something and went flying backwards to bounce off of the firewall and land with a thud on the ground.
"My magical helmet protects me from all manner of physical attacks. Unless you think you can out-magic me, I suggest you surrender to a quiet and dignified execution." Voldemort hissed.
"But I'm your daughter!" Bridgit was appalled.
"I never said I was a good father."
"Did someone say 'Godfather'?" A three-legged dog fell from the sky into the ring of fire.
"Oh my god! It's that talking dog I told you not to kill!" Cora's eyes bugged out.
"I told you we should have done it while we had the chance." Bridgit hissed.
The dog suddenly morphed into some kind of hobo.
"Oh my god!" Cora sobbed. "It's evolved."
"I'm an animagus, you idiot. Don't they teach you anything in school? No matter! I'll help you save my Godson and defeat Voldemort. My name is Sirius Black!" He jumped out of the way as Voldemort cast a cruciatus curse at him.
"I thought all of Harry's family was dead." Bridgit was surprised.
"Well, they must be like cockroaches. Impossible to kill all of them." Cora sighed.
"I can't believe you two! You'd be so good at evil!" Voldemort growled, casting the killing curse at Sirius.
"Tch! How about picking a new spell? That one's gone out of style!" Sirius gave a rougish grin.
"Fine. Solumi missileis!" Voldemort almost fell forwards from the vigor with which he cast the spell.
"Ayeeeeeeee!" Sirius screamed as the ground beneath his feet exploded and sent him flying back over the wall of fire.
Taking advantage of this distraction and inspired by Sirius breaking the law as an unregistered animagus, Bridgit snapped into action.
"Imperio!"
She could feel herself trying to keep his slimy snake brain under control. However, he was cunning and his mind was quite strong. Too strong.
"Ugh! It's not working!" Bridgit cried as she felt his mind trying to kick her out.
"I'll help you, sister Bridgit!" Cora shouted. "Imperio!"
Struggling with all of the mental powers they were lucky enough to possess, Bridgit and Cora managed to keep his mind beneath theirs long enough to force Voldemort to remove his helmet and toss it into the flames. The helmet and the corpse of his beloved Nagini were consumed within moments.
"You little strumpets!" He roared, forcing them from his mind so abruptly that they fell backwards in surprise. "How dare you destroy such a beautiful creature? Blood or no, your lives are mine!"
"Bridgit! Plan 64 C!" Cora snapped.
"What? Surrender? We just got him to kill his helmet thing! Now we can totally…ummm…uhhh…do something…" Bridgit's voice trailed off.
"Exactly."
Voldemort watched curiously, still ready to kill his children should they trick him.
"This is way too hard." Cora sighed. "I don't like where it leaves us, but I think we need to give up. We can't beat him, Bridgit. Let's just give him Harry in exchange for our lives."
"What? NO!" Ron screamed from outside.
"Bridgit, if you agree with her I'm going to disown you." Reagan seethed.
"Sorry guys. I kind of like being alive." Bridgit looked down at the ground. "I know it's not the right thing to do, but desperate times call for desperate measures."
"I'm no fool," Voldemort began, "and I suspect a trick. We shall see."
"I lie and cheat and steal, but I always do it for me. You can search my mind and find out for yourself that I'm telling the truth. Dying for some famous kid is not worth it." Cora spread her arms open, inviting him symbolically.
"Very well. Yes, I see. Your mind is truly selfish and manipulative, but I find a disturbing tendency to show loyalty towards those you hold dear. I think you're lying." Voldemort frowned.
"Now, Bridgit! Kick him!" Cora cried.
"You're gonna feel this tomorrow!" Bridgit shouted, groining him in the old mans.
"Ohhhhhh….mother of mercy." Voldemort moaned, sinking to the ground. "Why?"
"Didn't anyone ever tell you?" Bridgit laughed coldly.
"We're evil." Cora finished.
"You can't kill me, you don't have it in you. After all, you walked right past me while I slept at Castle Mount Snake Pit. If you could have, why not then?" Voldemort hissed.
Bridgit and Cora stopped, utterly speechless. They had been so terrified of him waking up that this possibility hadn't even crossed their minds. Bridgit in particular felt like a giant idiot. She had even poisoned the snake sleeping around his neck with a blow dart. A little more to the left and none of this would have ever happened.
"I see the hesitation in your eyes! You truly long for the ways of evil." Voldemort smiled coldly.
"Maybe I really do!" Bridgit wondered aloud. How could she have possibly missed that opportunity unless she was secretly wishing for a posh, evil lifestyle. It was all well and good for Cora, what with her muggle-saving tendencies and childhood of living in cardboard boxes.
"Huh." Cora mused to herself. Maybe I knew by some deep, primal bond that he was my father. Maybe I want a daddy really bad. But I don't like snakes.
"Cora?" Bridgit looked searchingly at her sister.
"Yes Bridgit, I think it's time." Cora smiled and nodded her head, ready to be at peace.
"Avada Kedavra!" The two cast at the same time.
Voldemort fell back to the ground, as lifeless as his shed skin, before surprise could even register at this turnaround. His shiny red eyes turned dull and the ring of fire collapsed.
You may have killed me, but you have taken your first step down the path of darkness. Voldemort's spirit voice whispered. My blood is inside you and it is only a matter of time before you take my place.
Then his body exploded. As chunks of flesh rained down upon everyone there arose a great cheer from the battlers of Hogwarts. As suspected, most of the Deatheaters fled while the more hardcore ones stayed behind to battle and be killed by Dumbledore. Sensing an end to the danger, Bridgit let Harry out of his protective cocoon.
"Reparo." Bridgit gave him back his glasses as Cora pulled the shards from his foot.
"What the hell?" Harry asked, somewhat disappointed. "I thought I was supposed to kill Voldemort. If not, then what was all this crap about for the last four years?"
"Your life just sucks, Harry." Cora smiled.
"No, that's not it!" Bridgit whacked her upside the head. "You're a good soul, Harry. You weren't meant to do that evil. I'm sure your dead parents are happy Voldemort was destroyed without you having to resort to killing."
"I suppose so. But what about you?"
"Well, I guess we're just evil." Bridgit sighed.
"No fighting it." Cora giggled.
"Well, that explains a whole lot." Said a familiar voice.
"HERMIONE!" Harry boggled his eyes.
"You're alive?" Cora asked as Ron enveloped her in a loving hug of relief.
"Didn't I tell you? Children are protected by angels!" He gave Hermione a kiss on the forehead as he sobbed in joy.
"I never told you, Ron, but I, too believe in angels. Which is why I'm magically alive right now." Hermione smiled tenderly, stroking her sobbing boyfriend's flaming red hair.
"Why, this defies all logic!" Malfoy, who had been passing by, noted.
They all turned to look at the pale blond who was clearly absconding with many of the castle's treasures.
"Too bad you forsook your childhood for your father's love." Cora shook her head.
"Avada Kedavra!" Bridgit killed him.
Everyone looked at Malfoy's dead body and then burst out laughing.
"I'm in so much pain." Sammy moaned, her burnt body swathed in miles of bandages.
Everyone continued laughing.
Dumbledore and the teachers approached at a dead run.
"Well done, children!" Dumbledore laughed merrily and tripped over his beard.
"Professor!" Everyone smiled.
"What are our losses?" Bridgit asked.
"Just one, really. A few people seemed to be dead, but they're all fine now. Only Trelawney died and, strangely enough, has agreed to come back and teach as a ghost for the rest of eternity for free, so it's really more of a gain." Dumbledore mused, hefting a dead snake from his shoulder onto the ground.
"What's that?" Ron pointed.
"That's a snake, Ron. Can you say 'snake'?" Hermione encouraged.
"Snake!"
"This is the reason we were able to succeed." Dumbledore ignored the frightening couple. "Our intelligence told us that, after the death of Voldemort's trusted Nagini, he went out and bought a new snake: Ganini."
There was a pause.
"And?" McGonagall prompted him.
"We figured this was beyond his regular love of snakes and that he had bound himself to her as his animal companion. Once I found and killed her, it was much easier for you guys to actually beat him."
"Oh. You mean our canning was-"
"Ineffective, yes."
"Ah. Right then." Bridgit was somewhat disappointed at this news.
"Albus, now that this whole mess is over, I have some things I want to talk to you about." Summersong snapped, storming up to him and beginning a secret conversation where the rest couldn't hear.
"If this is about how I knew all along that Bridgit and Cora were your long lost daughters, I can explain everything." Dumbledore put his hands up in a defensive gesture.
"What? My daughters! They're alive? Well, I was going to object at how you treated foreign exchange students as pure distractions and sacrificial lambs to Voldemort, but that just makes me even more angry!" She raged.
"But…but, don't you want to hear my oh so logical and forgettable explanation that will clear all this up?" Dumbledore offered.
"Hells no! And if it weren't for the fact you were pregnant, I would beat you up right now!" She glared at him.
"Good. All is forgiven."
Dumbledore turned around to continue his not secret conversation with the rest of the assembled group who had been looking on curiously.
"Now I do believe that you two have someone else to attend to." Dumbledore smiled knowingly at Bridgit and Cora, quickly changing the topic.
"Who?" Bridgit asked.
"Sammy's being looked after by someone else." Cora added.
"It starts with an 'S'." Dumbledore gave them a hint.
"Sirius?"
"No, he's fine, despite curiously having only one leg."
"Sybill?"
"I already told you; she's dead!" Dumbledore seemed to be running out of patience.
"It must be something completely obvious that we're over looking." Cora thought to herself.
"Wait! I know. We forgot about the power of love." Bridgit beamed. "It has truly saved us all."
"You two are so stupid." McGonagall sighed.
"I refer, of course, to the reason you two went to Voldemort's Castle Mount Snakepit in the first place. One Severus-"
"Snape!" Bridgit and Cora exclaimed.
"Holy crap! We forgot to give him the medicine." Bridgit moaned.
"Quickly, children, I know the way!" Madame Pomfrey put away her euthanasia kit and led the two back toward the castle.
"Well, all's well that ends well." Trelawney smiled mysteriously.
"It didn't end well for you. You're dead." A bald Hagrid pointed out.
"Oh."
The END. Yay!
"Well, it seems that, at the end of this year, the house with the most points is Hufflepuff!" Dumbledore announced grandly at the end of year ceremonies.
The students at the Hufflepuff table looked around, mightily confused as to how this could have happened.
"Oh my! This is the first time in the history of Hogwart's that Hufflepuff has ever won the house cup. I know because I read about it in Hogwart's: A History (Wizzledee-dee 495)." Hermione puffed up, overflowing with knowledge.
"Well, let's see." Harry began. "Slytherin lost like a million points at the beginning of the year when Crabbe and Goyle were expelled and, thanks to a certain two people, Gryffindor has steadily been losing points all year." Bridgit and Cora gave apathetic shrugs in response to his pointed look. "That, and the fact that Ravenclaw has been mysteriously losing points for no reason, has resulted in Hufflepuff's dominating win of two points."
"Ravenclaw, huh? I guess we'll never know." Sammy laughed.
"However, I have some last-minute points to award for students who have shown immense bravery in-"
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Professor Sprout screeched at the Headmaster. "This is the one and only time I'm ever going to win! I won't let you take that away from me! Unless you want your unborn freak babies to fry, I recommend that you shut up right now." She whispered.
"Uhhh…I award the points to…that kid. Over there." Dumbledore pointed to the Hufflepuff table.
"I won!" The Hufflepuff boy cheered.
Snape raised an eyebrow angrily. Why didn't I think of that?
"R-right! Everyone, let's ea- oh my!" Dumbledore's hand flew to his belly.
"What is it?" Professor McGonagall perked up in confusion.
"Nothing. Probably just that tub of bean dip I ate last night. Oh! There it is again."
"He's going into labor!" Madame Pomfrey screamed.
Amidst the many confused looks of the student body, Dumbledore was rushed from the room by Madame Pomfrey, followed by McGonagall and Hagrid.
"Now that I am acting Headmaster," Snape suddenly stood up, "there are going to be a few changes."
"Nobody said you were acting headmaster." Mr. Flansberg piped up.
"Silence, Technology Institute degree program guy!" Snape hissed.
"That's not where I got my degree." Mr. Flansberg wept.
"My first act as headmaster is to instate Professor Binns as second in command and to ban all candy." He briefly looked nauseous at the idea of it, "Also, anyone caught sneaking around after hours will be given the death penalty without exception, Mr. Potter. While I'm at it, as your new Daddy, I forbid you to play on the quidditch team. In fact, Hogwarts is right out. Go be a dentist!"
"Why is it always me?" Harry whispered.
"Don't worry, Harry, my father can give you a good internship." Hermoine offered this paltry comfort.
"Yeah, we'll write you…well, when we have the time." Ron smiled unconvincingly.
"Any foreign exchange programs are hereby terminated. Indefinitely. Also, any Hogwarts student or faculty member is disallowed from any communication with Canada. That is all. Eat your wretched food." Snape finished and then sat down.
Harry cried into his soup.
Everyone else cheered, as the non-Daddy rules were sorely needed. Bridgit and Cora looked relieved that they would never have to talk to these people again.
"Well, I guess we should probably clear out, guys." Sammy stood.
"Will we ever see you again?" Harry asked, teary-eyed.
"Hmmm…" Sammy ruffled his hair affectionately and smiled. "No."
And they left out the front doors of Hogwarts. However, they were soon distracted by a loud crunching and slurping noise.
"What could it be?" Reagan asked.
"Someone feasting on the souls of children?" Bridgit guessed.
"Oh, hey guys!" Sirius Black hailed them.
"Have you been squatting here ever since the final battle?" Cora gave him an incredulous look.
"Well, you know." He shrugged. "Gotta look after the godson."
He continued ripping into a rather large drumstick while the four tactfully neglected to mention Snape's newly-acquired status as Harry's legal guardian.
"You know, there's food in the Great Hall." Reagan offered with a smile.
"No. This is a symbolic meal that I must finish out here. For today, I am a free man. No longer must I run and live like a hobo, hunted by those who were my peers." He said proudly.
"What are you eating?" Bridgit asked nervously, kind of afraid of what it might be.
"I'm eating Buckbeak, my Hippogriff in a gesture expressing my freedom and return to normal life. But if you try to eat any, then I'll cut you!" He took out a small knife and made jabbing motions.
"No. We're good." Sammy said and motioned for them all to continue.
Having become very lazy, the four summoned their belongings and animals with magic. With everything together, they were somewhat at a loss.
"What now?" Cora asked.
"Well, Trex said he'd come and pick us up today." Sammy offered. "I guess we just wait."
"IT'S A BOY!" A magically amplified voice announced. "AND IT'S. WAIT. WHAT THE HELL? WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE HAGRID? ALBUSSSSSS!" The magic cut out abruptly.
The four exchanged confused and disgusted looks.
"Let's not worry about that anymore." Sammy suggested.
"I agree!" Said Trex, striding to stand before them with Professor Summersong at his arm. "I have something much more interesting and much less disturbing to announce to you all today: I have been married to this woman."
"Seriously?" Sammy gave Trex an exasperated look.
"That seems quite random. When did you guys even meet?" Reagan asked.
"Well, we met on the internet." Professor Summersong blushed. "I was spidery_widow_666 and I met the most enchanting man named lustypirate67. We were married last week by corporal Robotface of the Binary church of Antarctica. We have so much in common! His wife was killed by the war that my husband started."
"It really comes full circle, doesn't it sweetie? And to think: I've pretty much been raising your children all these years." Trex mused.
"What? You had other children you didn't tell us about?" Cora demanded angrily.
"No, Cora. For you see, you are both my daughters." Summersong beamed as she revealed the truth.
"Wow. This is pretty stupid." Bridgit muttered.
"Mommy!" Cora unquestioningly accepted this news and ran to her long-lost mother's arms. "I've always wanted a mommy to dress me up and tell me I can't date boys!"
"Good." Said Summersong. "Because you can't."
"You know…no one's explained yet how you two ended up in Canada if you were born in Britain. And how both your parents didn't seem to know where you were, and that you were alive." Sammy pointed out. "I mean, people don't usually misplace babies on other continents."
"Shut up." Said Professor Summersong.
"Okay."
And they all laughed and disapparated into the setting sun to start their new, family-laced life in Canada.