Tali was late.
She was never late.
Yet she forced herself to keep her walk unhurried and her head high as she ignored the surprised looks of the Normandy's crew, crew who knew the ground team had already assembled in the communications room for their debriefing.
A debriefing that had started ages ago.
Tali's cheeks burned a little at that, but she kept ignoring the people as she forced herself to keep walking. It's not my fault...well it is...a little...okay so a lot...dammit...can't believe I actually did that...and took so long...it's so...stupid...
With them having left Feros behind...Michael's behaviour had finally been allowed to properly sink into Tali's mind...
The righteous anger with Jeong. The way he had slain the Thorian practically on his own, saving the others in the process – along with the colonists anyone else would consider lost – with his near suicidal run...and not even thinking it as anything but natural. His sparing of the Asari, the way he had understood her...his sudden brittleness...that he somehow held in check with such a...defiance... It had all seeped into her...and somewhat irritatingly made her heart flutter at the memories.
So she had found herself looking at the picture of her pilgrimage party, at the way she was squeezed in between the massive shape of a smirking Michael and a grinning Ashley...and felt an ache...
Not an ache of desire, nor of longing for that happiness again, but of...she wasn't sure...of actually being there perhaps.
She had looked at her face then, a purple visor that shone from the flash of the camera...and found herself unable to stand still a moment longer.
She had easily gotten to borrow the camera from Chackwas, the doctor's comment about the Quarian moving so swiftly going unanswered...and then marched up to Joker.
She had been worried about Joker asking questions about her request, but the man hadn't, he'd only answered that he'd do anything for his 'favouritest Quarian ever'...which perhaps wasn't that surprising. As one living on the Flotilla most of her life Tali really should have known that pilots were willing to do just about anything for the engineers responsible for their 'baby'...and especially one who made her better then before...
Still, Tali had been grateful for Joker not asking as he let her into the decontamination chamber of the ship and let it run on a permanent cycle until she was done...
It had taken a while.
Tali shook her head at her own foolishness of bringing a mirror...not to mention taking so many pictures until she could at least feel slightly happy with the result...
And even now she held the reader with the one picture not deleted saved on it...and considered removing it too. It had been a long time since she'd seen her own face...she wasn't sure how long she had been staring at the mirror before actually moving to do what she had come to do...
It was such an alien face...at times it didn't feel like her own any more...
It isn't a human face, that is for sure. She blinked, the thought surprisingly painful.
Sure, humans had hair, and while the longer quills of a female Quarian was genetic rather then a social thing...and though Tali had seen human women with long red hair...her quills were not the same thing. She hadn't paid them much heed back in the Flotilla or out in the galaxy, why would she when they were hidden under both a helmet and a hood? But when she had pulled her hood back and removed her helmet...they had spilled forth, sharp tips grazing her between the shoulder blades even as she stared at them with a tightened chest. Their dark crimson redness was not a colour human hair had...nor were the bony white tips...and the finger-thick quills, semi-stiff and ending at her head with a far too high a 'hairline' to be human...it all was...different.
Perhaps attractive by Quarian standards, but compared to how human hair was supposed to look...
Ugly.
Her skin was too pale a purple, not the pretty Asari fullness...And both chin and lips were too small, the jawline leading to it giving her head an ugly triangular shape compared to the softer shape of an Asari or even human face... And the way her face listed backwards...more of a Vorcha then a human in shape...she hadn't thought of it much before...now she hated it. The tiny ears hidden behind that ugly jawline not making things any better...nor did that thin and long neck disappearing under her quills.
Alien...
At least her nose was more or less human, if a little small...but what good did that do when she couldn't grin like Ashley? She had only managed a shy smile at the camera, thin lips pressed tightly together, unwilling to show the row of small but pointed teeth in her small mouth...a far cry from that of a human.
And then there were the eyes, those cursed things. Sure, she'd seen humans with slanted eyes...it wasn't all unusual, but none with slitted pupils...something belonging to a Krogan or one of those cats the humans kept. The pale green – and very large – irises were in a way good, it reflected the light in her helmet and made her visor more then just a glass surface for others to look at...but it was just so...alien...no doubt eerie for a human to look at.
Inhuman, ugly.
Her hands moved, holding up the electronic reader that hummed in readiness, a press from showing her image...or being deleted...and found her finger hovering over the deletion button.
So what? Of course I look different from a human...why would I even want to look like one?
She grimaced, the answer painfully obvious...and foolish, and stupid, and delusional, and...frustrating.
I should just... The finger drifted closer to the deletion button...only for her to move her hand away as she pulled the reader against her chest, which made it the third time in her short walk from the decontamination chamber and the communications room that she had done that. No, it took nearly an hour...can't just back down now, I'll never forgive myself...
Ahead the door to the communications room awaited, grey and ominous with what awaited her...and she found herself coming to a stop as she hesitated.
Keelah my heart's beating so fast...
She shook her head, grimacing at her foolishness. Just get it over with, it's nothing important after all, nothing you should put any...hope to. Just give it to him and get out before you die of embarrassment or see that look of disgust...
She couldn't, a small peep escaping her as she tried to will her legs to move.
I don't dare...
Then the door opened.
And Tali found herself shirking to the side as Wrex came rumbling out, the Krogan's red eyes narrowed in anger, shaking his head, voice a growl: "This is just stupid, back to the Citadel? Damn paperwork is more dangerous then the enemy..."
"You said it." Garrus agreed with an eager nod, the Turian moving to catch up with the mercenary. "Let me tell you about this one time when..."
"Tali!" Ashley came up to her, her friend's arms held wide and a grin on her face. "Where the hell have you been!"
Guilt. It made Tali's tongue knot up: "I...that is..."
The hands came down on Tali's shoulders, the marine tilting her head forward as she gave Tali a playful look. "Never mind, just so you know, Michael's going to so chew you out for missing the debriefing." Tali opened her mouth to...she wasn't sure what, but Ashley interrupted with a laugh: "Ha! You worry too much, it'll be fine." She offered a wink...and Tali felt the guilt in her gut wiggle like a worm. My friend...
"Ashley?" Kaidan caught up with the marine, offering Tali a friendly nod and a smile before looking back to the human woman. His body language was so easy to read, friendly yet eager...eagerness aimed at Ashley. Tali knew from their talks that Ashley knew about it, even felt something back...but she was unsure if Ashley realised the depth of Kaidan's devotion. Probably not... Tali suppressed the disappointment, as well as the urge to try and tell Ashley of it, it wouldn't do any good after all... "You were going to show me the latest pistol we got in?"
Ashley shot Kaidan a smirk. "Damn right I am." Then looked back to Tali, reassurance in her voice, hands squeezing Tali's shoulders. "Seriously, don't worry about it, I keep telling you you take your responsibilities too hard...like a miniature Michael." A wink and a pat on the shoulders and Ashley walked away alongside Kaidan, the two already bowing their heads in conversation.
And Tali could only look after them...guilt digging into her at the sight of Ashley. Maybe I should just...leave...or...stop being...Keelah...I should never have joined in the first place...
Then she turned her head, looking at the still open door, within where Michael and Liara stood in the centre of the room facing one another, brows furrowed in thought.
Tali couldn't help it, she walked in, steps slow and furtive, head cocked as she watched.
Liara was the first to speak, the Asari swaying where she stood. "That was...intense...but without the location of the Mu Relay we have no way of reaching Ilos..."
"It's a step closer." Michael retorted calmly, looking away with a shrug.
"Do you wish to..." Liara's hand reached out towards Michael...only to stop halfway there. "..no...of course you don't...my apologies."
"It's okay." Michael looked back, offering Liara a smirk: "You don't want to talk about it either right?"
"Not...really no." Liara shook her head, then swayed, hand coming up to her head. "Sorry Commander but...it's a bit tiring to see those..." She shot Tali a glance, stance guarded, but not hostile, wishing to defend Michael from whatever knowledge the Asari had acquired, her words confirming it: "...things...may I see the doctor?"
"Of course." Michael offered Liara a nod, face friendly, unbothered...a lie...Tali could see his stance, it was all...worried, tense, ready to flee from whatever Liara knew...but held in check by unyielding discipline. The surface cracked just a little: "You're...okay I hope." And even with the fear...care... Tali almost dropped her reader at the sight, wanting nothing but to understand how he could be capable of it both things at the same time...
Keelah, I got it bad...
"Of course, Shepard." Liara managed a pale smile and a nod. "You have nothing to worry about." With those double-meaning words she turned, offered Tali a friendly, if distant, nod and walked away.
Turning her head Tali looked after Liara, wondering briefly if she should ask the Asari about whatever she might have seen...but then decided against it. Liara wouldn't tell her – of everyone the Asari was the least close to Tali or...anyone really...her mother and strange position as Michael's 'seer' putting her in a bit of an awkward position to everyone else – and Tali didn't want to be told like that...it would be betraying Michael's trust.
"You weren't in for the debriefing." Tali yelped at Michael's low accusation, whirling about to find him close, grinning down at her. "I really ought to put you on some sort of engine cleaning detail..." A smirk as he cocked his head to the side: "...but then again you'd only enjoy doing that anyway."
Tali took a step back, clutching the reader close to her chest as she shook her head. "Keelah. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to take so long, I thought it would be quick but then I got stuck and I had a small fight with my helmet and the visor got all fogged as I-"
A finger on her visor, and her mouth slammed shut. Michael's smile was as warm as it was soothing: "You're babbling." Keelah... Then that irritating smile of his flashed forth. "Not that it's not cute, but I'd rather hear what you were doing..." He glanced down at the reader Tali was clutching even as her toes curled up against the floor. "...that has anything to do with it?"
"I...yes..." Tali swallowed, unwilling to let the reader go...then thrusting it into Michael's gut, drawing a small grunt out of him as his hands moved up to take it. "Oh...sorry I..." She licked her lips. This is not going as I hoped... "...sorry I...might be a little nervous..."
Michael blinked, body confused as it awkwardly held the reader before moving it round to hold it the right side up. For a moment his hand hovered over the controls...before he let it drop as he looked at her, a hint of concern – of worry – in his voice: "What is this, Tali?"
"Well it's..." Tali hesitated, unsure how to phrase it. Keelah...I had a speech prepared...but...I don't remember it... "You remember back with my pilgrimage – I mean my pilgrimage celebration – errr...party...drinking eating...thingie?"
A laugh escaped the man, some of the worry disappearing as he regarded her with amusement: "I recall a 'thingie' yes..."
"Well it was so nice and good and pretty lights and that cake and those presents and I made a fool out of myself..." Tali realised she was speaking faster now, and Michael's amused smirk did nothing to help. "...which I still am but that's not the point. I meant to say that it was very nice and such and I had so much fun and I know that I as a Quarian perhaps don't understand how so much attention could be aimed at one person and be considered anything but ridiculous...but it was still nice and I kind of liked everything, even when you got me all crying and..." She shook her head, irritated with herself even as a hand moved to the pocket over her left breast where Michael's little computer lay hidden.
Before her Michael shifted, his amusement clear in every part of his body as he regarded her with bared teeth.
"...and I'm still babbling." Tali took a much needed breath...only to find the air come out as her mouth, unwilling to heed her brain, continued: "I mean it was all so nice and the memories will be treasured and I know we all got that picture taken by the doctor to remind us of it and everyone was so happy with it and laughing about it and telling me how cute I looked. Which I find a bit silly since I'm just standing there in my usual suit and you can't actually see anything but my stance which I admit might have looked a bit small compared to you others but that's just because I'm a Quarian and am already small and had my arms so close to myself and was a bit worked up about everything and-"
"Tali." Michael chuckled, but the hand coming down on her shoulder forced her to look up at him, only now realising that she had been staring at her fiddling hands, the smile looking down at her was amused, but also with a hint of concern: "Why are you nervous? What is it?"
"I..." Keelah...no turning back. "...went into the decontamination chamber." Michael blinked...and Tali took a deep breath, forcing herself to speak: "Took a picture of myself without the helmet...you know..." She bit her lip, watching as Michael shifted into curiosity. "...so I'm not just some Quarian in a suit on that picture...so you can know who I..." She swallowed, voice tiny: "...am."
Silence.
Michael looking down at her, face unreadable, the curiosity in his stance mixed with...a soft kind of amusement.
He straightened, hands moving to the reader, holding it before him, looking down at it, then up at her...and Tali found her breath hitching as she stared at the hand moving down to the controls...
Keelah...this is it...I should go...leave...can't watch as he...
She couldn't move out of the spot, panic paralysing her.
Keelah no...
Her chest hurt with the jerky beat of her heart, eyes unable to close to her panicked commands as they watched the hand move down...
Down to deleting the picture.
Silence.
She blinked, mouth hanging open, heart stopping, mind blank.
Her voice was not her own, just a tiny little gasp: "W-why...?"
"Tali..." The hand that had deleted the picture came up, his index-finger pressing against the underside of her helmet, tilting her head up to look at Michael. His smile was soft, as was the voice: "...I already know who you are."
Keelah...
Her knees wobbled, all strength leaving them as the ship seemed to sway...
Her arms came out, balancing her before she tipped over as she struggled to regain control...
"I...okay then..." Her voice was so small...a tiny little squeak as she looked down at the floor, as much to make sure where her feet were as it was to avoid looking up at Michael. Her mind felt so...empty all of a sudden...yet she knew that if she actually looked at him...she didn't dare doing that.
Keelah...
Turning was a struggle, her body feeling distant and awkward, her legs shaky and weak. "...I'll just leave you be then, I have...engines to clean...I...yes..."
She begun to walk, each step slow as she struggled not to simply fall, almost frightened by the sudden weakness his words had caused.
Keelah...
And behind her there was a scrape of boots against the floor as Michael's voice, confused, asked: "I'm sorry...I didn't offend you did I?"
She shook her head, staring at her feet as continued her slow escape, voice a tiny whisper: "No...not at all..."
Keelah...
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Thanks to Abydos Jackson for melting to this one. ;-)