The Presidium was as beautiful as ever.
Tali found her head turning as she leant against the railing leading up to the Citadel tower's elevator, arms crossed over her chest as she stared out over the vast space.
Even now, after everything she had seen...it was inspiring to see the Presidium.
The water moving freely in great channels, the greenery so perfectly trimmed in little patches among the whiteness...the elegantly curved bridges, the finely dressed people of various species lounging or sedately walking on whatever errand they might be in...with so much space between them that a Quarian couldn't fathom it.
It was the very image of tranquillity and harmony.
Of course Tali knew it to be just an illusion.
Beneath the veneer shady politics and cruel business ran rampant, the Shadow Broker's agent having his own private office there and a high-class Asari prostitute owning a small palace within the Presidium just two of the signs...and just beneath those spotless floors the Wards lay, a noisy and crowded space for those without billions of credits in their names...
A fine polish of rotten timber.
Yet still...it was beautiful. The statues rising above the rivers, the patches of green...everything, so clean and prosperous and...she couldn't fathom the wealth required for it, couldn't.
So...pretty.
"Yep..." The words brought her out of her reverie, making her turn to look at the woman leaning against the railing on the other side of the entrance to the elevator. Ashley too had her arms over her chest, along with one foot before the other as she leant against the railing and with a puff of air blew a lock of hair out of her face and looked out over the Presidium stretching out before them: "...boring as hell."
A small giggle escaped Tali as she shook her head: "That was not quite what I was thinking..." Another glance at the unchanged scene before them. "...though you have a point."
"Yeah well...this is why I hated garrison duty..." Ashley yawned, arms reaching out to her sides as she stretched, then relaxed as she looked back to Tali: "...this damn waiting, personally I hope Michael tells the Council to shove it so we don't have to go report every other mission..."
"He'd never do that." Tali answered automatically, gaze drifting to the glass door of the elevator shaft, the elevator itself still far above. What's taking them so long...?
"True, too much of a goody two shoes..." Ashley smiled, head dipping low as she looked at her feet, gaze distant, her entire body smiling with the thought of the man...
Tali found her hands closing into fists.
Keelah I...stop it, she's your friend and...and... She looked away, shoulders dropping. She'd make him happy...it would be right, good...she'd give him everything he... She blinked, throat closing up. Dammit...
"Hey?" Glancing up she found Ashley having taken a step forward, head tilted in concern as she reached a hand towards Tali: "What's the matter? You looked kind of...lost all of a sudden."
"I'm fine." Tali replied with an irritated shake of her head. My friend, I...I don't deserve you...if you only knew...
"That sniffle says otherwise." Ashley softly replied, making Tali squirm as she felt the human's hand on her shoulder. What a great time to become sensitive to others... "And that grumble makes my bigger-sister genes tell me I should give the back of your head a smack." The hands on Tali's hands gripped her firmer even as Ashley's voice was filled with her smirk.
"It's nothing important." The lie slipped easily from Tali's lips – as it had so many times before – as she looked back up at Ashley, ignoring the jab of guilt as she deceived her friend: "Just a mild reaction from a suit-breach."
"I keep telling you to duck..." Ashley shook her head and smiled, believing the lie, because why wouldn't she believe her friend...and Tali felt self-loathing roll over her. "Now how about after we're done here we go to the Wards and find some nice stores selling-"
A hum...and both women turned their heads, Ashley taking a step back as they saw the elevator far above move down through the large glass tube.
Ashley's voice was tinged with amusement even as Tali saw two shapes within the elevator, one moving...a lot. "Ten credits says they whined the entire session."
"Not the time to make bets I think..." Tali muttered back, finding a worm of worry in her gut as the elevator continued its descent, one of the shapes continuing to move, an armoured figure that could only be Michael, the other one's dress uniform no doubt meaning Anderson was with him.
"Uh oh..." Ashley muttered back, both women's head craning to watch in growing apprehension.
Michael was pacing within the elevator like a caged animal, the man's gestures sharp, wide...and angry.
Tali found a lump within her throat at the growing sight, seeing Anderson raise his hands, small gestures, obviously trying to calm Michael down...a Michael that spun round and glared at Anderson as he spat unheard words while making sharp gestures of anger that might as well have been shouting to Tali's eyes.
Back on Feros Michael's anger with Jeong had been focused, a low tightly controlled rage that had been sharply focused.
This was not.
This was chaotic, raging, hateful, frustrated...an inferno threatening to burn everything down.
She took a step back even before the elevator stopped with a thump and opened up.
"And how the hell do they dare to order me to go somewhere after giving me that shit!" Michael's voice was hard and loud, so different that Tali at first didn't recognise it, it was boiling with an anger he couldn't control...and that frightened her.
Anderson shook his head, frowning in worry: "Listen, it was just a recomenda-"
"The hell it was!" Michael snapped, teeth bared in a snarl. "And after Virmire I guess they'll question my every decision there huh!"
To Tali's right Ashley took a slow step backwards, the two women exchanging a frightened look.
"They didn't mean to-"
"Oh they meant every word!" Michael turned, marched two steps towards Tali, making her jump backwards, before marching back into Anderson's face. "I almost had Saren! And instead of pursuing they order me back so they can complain about me being too late! That's a fucking insult!"
Anderson didn't step back, but his face crunched up in...worry? His voice confirmed it: "Michael, listen, you're dangerously close to getting to that place aga-"
Whatever warning Anderson was about to utter was interrupted as Michael raised his index finger, the digit nearly touching Anderson's nose as the Spectre snarled: "I saved the colonists! And they argue that I did it because they were human! As if that made it wrong!"
"I'm not saying that it-"
Another finger came up to join the first, Michael's face turning white with rage as spittle shot out from his mouth as he roared: "Killing the Thorian was wrong! They read my report! What the hell was I supposed to do!"
"Michael, please take a deep-"
A third: "Oh but sparing the Asari was wrong! Because letting someone have a second chance and also spare a potential resource for information for later is a bad idea!"
"You need to breathe-"
"I need to do nothing!" Michael gasped out the word, teeth bared as he leant over Anderson, almost resembling a monster of some nightmare than a human as his eyes blazed down at his Captain...who looked up with a surprisingly sad look on his face. The Spectre's body trembled as a forth finger shot up, voice a tense growl: "Killing that...bastard...made them look bad...yet it saved his hostage...and he would have been executed if tried anyway...but that doesn't matter because it's their look that is important..."
Anderson shook his head slowly, fear in his voice, fear for Michael's sake: "Please don't go there again..."
Michael didn't even seem to hear the words, his glare boring into Anderson even as his body twitched with hatred...with a fifth finger: "They had already read my file...approved of my Spectre candidacy and then promoted me to that...yet now they look at it again and express 'concern'..." A roar. "...of my mental health! Who's the insane one when they bring me away from my mission for this bu-bullshit!"
"Michael please-"
"It's just politics! Them covering their asses! They don't want me to succeed! They give me a mission and then...then..." Michael twitched, head twisting sharply as they eyes burned in rage against the floor. "...it's all wrong!" His head snapped back up, snarling at Anderson: "I know I god-damn don't deserve this position! But I'm doing the best of it and I will not be stopped by these charades when lives are at stake!"
"I understand if you're upset, it's too much like..."
"Don't." Michael growled the word, taking a step forward. "Talk." Another, making Anderson take a step back. "About." Then another, pressing his chest against Anderson's as he glared down at the smaller man, who looked back with such a sad face... "The Blitz."
Silence.
Michael and Anderson, standing against one another, one a raging monster Tali didn't even recognise, the other nothing but a tired old man all of a sudden.
Then, a new voice, female, cheerful: "Commander Sheppard! Commander Shepard!"
With the silence shattered all eyes turned to the voice...and Tali felt a fresh jolt of panic as she saw the dark-haired woman with her camera-bot come walking forth, a microphone in her hand. And behind her...
Keelah...
"Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund news." The woman chirped with a smile far too polite for the predatory and conniving way she moved. "I understand you've just returned to speak to the Council in a closed session? Humanity would love to hear the hero of the Skyllian Blitz's take on it..."
Oh...
Tali's head snapped to shoot Michael a glance, watching the man's neck twitch as he with burning eyes looked at the reporter, stopping her in her tracks.
But not Conrad Verner, the man Ashley so thoroughly had described, his grin wide and innocent as he with arms wide brushed past the hesitating reporter while crying out: "Of course they do! He's a hero!" He wrapped an arm around Michael's shoulder as he turned to the reporter, trying to look casual despite his giddiness next to a man so white with rage that Tali could see the veins in his neck stand out as he glared down at the fool. "And the galaxy needs heroes like him!"
...thisisnotgood...
"You...know him?" The reporter asked with an arched eyebrow, though her camera remained off as she shot Michael a frightened look.
"Of course I know him!" Conrad grinned. "Every human knows of the hero of the Blitz! But I actually know the man! And let me tell you, his heroism is far beyond the Blitz that you wouldn't belie-"
A choked cough.
Tali blinked, one moment Conrad was gushing about things he didn't know...the next Michael's massive fist was closed around his windpipe. The Spectre pushed Conrad away as he held him up by the throat, Michael's armoured arm moved...and Tali watched in horror as Conrad's feet left the floor.
"Do not." Conrad gasped, eyes wide in shock as he just hung there, staring down at Michael. "Talk." Then began to kick, mouth opening as he found himself unable to breathe, yet unable to dislodge Michael's grip on him or even get him to lower him back to the floor. "About." A tightening of Michael's grip...and Conrad's eyes shot up in terror as a low cracking sound escaped his throat. "The Blitz!"
Silence.
All staring at Conrad kicking in panic as he desperately tried to pry Michael's hand from his throat.
And then Anderson's voice, sharp, clipped: "Commander!"
Conrad fell to the floor with a gasp as Michael's hand opened, Michael's eyes blazing down at the kneeling figure clutching his throat...and then turning to one of horror as the gaze moved to his open hand, still twitching and half-closed, as if still wishing to choke the life out of the man.
A stillness, nothing but Conrad gasping, a choked sob escaping him.
And then Michael ran.
Tali stared, dumbfounded, as Michael leapt away, nearly knocking a passing Asari over as he in long strides flew towards the rest of the Presidium.
A moment later Ashley ran after him.
Hesitation.
Tali glanced back, finding the reporter bent over Conrad, her microphone lowered and camera rolling even as Anderson offered Tali a desperate look and a wave after Michael before moving towards the scene to no doubt try and salvage something out of Michael's disaster.
Then she too ran after him.
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"Tali! The elevator!" Ashley's voice rang out, the sprinting human pointing ahead.
Tali, her breath loud in her helmet, saw the glass door ahead begin to close, and ran even faster even as she raised her arm, omni-tool aglow. "On it!"
The door stopped, her hacking befuddling it...and then Ashley crashed into the gap and pressed it wide enough for Tali to leap in under her arms...
A thump...and the door closed behind them as Ashley stepped into the elevator.
A drop of vertigo...and the elevator was moving down as Tali found herself turning towards their Commander.
He had his back to them, arms against the wall as he leant forward, head hanging between his shoulders as they shook with his deep breaths. His entire being breathed...desperation, as if he was trying to run away yet couldn't any longer.
Of course he can't, he's running from himself...
Her hand reached out...
Only to flinch back as Ashley took a step towards the man, her voice soft, body radiating caring: "Michael...talk to us."
Tali took a step back, head tilting forward and hands in her lap...and watched...small and insignificant in her corner. It's for the best...
"I..." Michael shook his head, shoulders tensing as he rebelled against the thought. "...no."
"Michael..." Ashley's tone hardened, though Tali could tell it was all an act, the woman was full of sympathy...wishing nothing but to help Michael. She'll be good for him... It was a sad, but...nice thought. "...out with it, we won't accept this any longer."
Resistance, Michael's body crumbling just a little bit."I..."
"Now."
Tali's omni-tool glowed as she quietly hacked the elevator...and its descent slowed to a crawl.
Neither human seemed to notice. Michael's head coming to rest against the wall with a small thump as his shoulders slumped in defeat, Ashley crossing her arms over her chest, face stern, an older sister trying to scold her sibling even as her body glowed with the need to take care of him...
I'll...just...listenthen... Tali hunched up in her corner.
Silence.
A shuddering breath of Michael's.
Another.
The thump of his head against the wall, frustration, his body shaking with a struggle.
A third breath.
A slow exhale...
"Where I lived there were two kinds of people..." Michael's voice was slow and soft, all anger and resistance gone, it was as if he was telling a story to a child, innocent and harmless. "...criminals and victims..." A slow breath, a soft snort: "...I chose not to be a victim."
Silence.
"For a while it was out of a need to survive, to feed myself and buy mother her drugs..." A thump of his head against the wall. "...and when she died of the drugs I had given to her..." There was no guilt in his voice, just...acceptance. It was...eerie. "...I did it for nothing but the power I felt. I began to crave the respect and fear I got...the credits were almost not important any more."
Silence, Tali barely daring to breathe.
Michael was a...criminal? Buthismother...
She felt confused.
A soft snort: "But then I went into a bar...and thought myself better prepared then five men..." His hand moved up, fingers touching the scar over his eye before sliding down over his chest. "...and was proven wrong..." And then, nearly not audible: "...should have died."
A small chuckle, the man shaking his head in disbelief. "Father Tobery had always lived in the area, the only man I respected without fearing, he was...special." A small smile in his voice...then gone: "He saved my life that night...and when I came to two days later...he had his friend there, an Alliance recruiting officer."
Ashley shifted, the marine looking uncomfortable as she looked at Michael's back, without a doubt wondering about the Blitz.
But Michael didn't seem to notice, in fact he didn't seem aware that the others were there at all...he was just...telling a story to the air: "I wasn't an idiot, I knew my chances to survive were better in the army then staying in that hell-hole...I signed up without looking back...thinking myself clever, the tough Earth-kid would never have any trouble in the Alliance..."
A soft shake of his head: "Such an attitude of being the toughest and meanest son of a bitch in the army is always bashed out in training...except for me, I defied every try to teach me this. I was the strongest, most skilled and toughest, I, as back in Earth, needed no one else...and I made damn sure the other recruits and instructors knew it."
Amusement, sad, but still there: "I made many enemies...and loved it, seeing it as jealousy, as proof of my strength and ability."
Silence.
Then a scoff: "But no promotions came, no proof of my greatness as I was moved from garrison to garrison, never long since I always made enemies out of every single one of my officers there. And I just didn't get it...I couldn't understand why they wouldn't promote me, the best of the others."
Ashley shifted again, looking...perplexed, staring at Michael's back in bafflement.
A slow nod of Michael: "Not officer material, no knowledge of tactics, no connection to the men, nothing but selfish and destructive...and I couldn't understand it...an utter fool." His shoulders stiffened: "So I began to hunt this illusive promotion...and was then given a golden opportunity..."
Silence.
Then a small gasp escaped Ashley.
"Was on leave...a Sergeant by then, but always craving more..." Michael shook his head. "...lucky me the pirates had prepared well, assassinating or delaying any officer above Sergeant to confuse the situation as they launched their attack on Elysium..." A choked little laugh: "...and I saw my chance."
Silence.
Something...dangerous hanging in the air.
"Managed to get my gear along with ten men...them too fresh-faced to realise what a monster their Sergeant was...and we found ourselves at the entrance of one of the underground shelters for the refugees streaming in. The pirates had sabotaged the blast door, but we knew what we were supposed to do, we had explosives enough to collapse it so they couldn't reach us until help arrived from the Alliance navy..."
A tiny laugh: "Of course...it's those who fight that are promoted...those who kill the enemy." A snort. "So I ordered the explosives out as mines...went into the shelter and began to preach of defending your planet and your people...even as I dreamt of my great promotion..."
Tali felt the colour drain from her face at the realisation.
Keelah...no...
"Rounded up fifty innocent farmers...gave them the weapons in our little armoury, no body-armour...and put them with my men as we waited for the enemy."
Silence.
Then Michael's voice, a harsh whisper: "And they came... a horde...swarming us like locusts, knowing the prize behind that thin little line of defenders..." A small snort that was as much a sob: "...I stood at the back...and fed my untrained militia at the enemy in small groups to stall them long enough for the Alliance to come and pin medals to my chest..."
No, please no...
It welled up within her, crashing through her affection, making it difficult to breathe as it like black oil filled her throat...
Disgust.
If a Quarian had done that...it wouldn't have ended in just exile, his name would have been stricken from the record of every ship...and it would have been right.
To endanger so many...
"I didn't even...care..." A snort, bitterness. "...until the last one fell at my feet, clutching his severed arm, bleeding out even as he begged me not to let the pirates take his family..."
Silence.
"...only then did I see it."
Silence.
"The pirates before me, unmoved by my useless defence and rushing forth...and the two million unarmed people hiding in the shelters behind me...about to be taken into slavery and death because of my vanity and lust for power..."
Loathing.
Tali felt it squeeze her chest tight, shattering something within her as she stared at Michael's back in horror.
"I didn't hold that breach by virtue of bravery, heroism or determination..." Michael shook his head, voice hardening into anger: "...I held it because I was terrified, horrified and a villain...because I couldn't bear the thought of what would happen if I failed...if my failure had ruined so many..."
Tali felt her knees wobble, then fail, dropping her to the floor with a thud.
Michael didn't even seem to notice: "...I made the breach."
Silence.
Then Ashley's voice, a tiny stutter: "B-but th-they..."
"Oh they paint me a hero." Michael scoffed, bitterness in his voice. "The Alliance was in an embarrassment about the Blitz, of the attack on those they were supposed to protect. And they knew of what I had done...it was talk of court-martial..."
A slow shake of his head.
"...but then the news heard of me...of my heroic defence of the civilians...and the Alliance officers still throwing me hateful looks brushed my charges aside even as they promoted me and stressed my 'heroism' before every journalist in the galaxy...to cover up their own failure they showed off my far larger one as if it was the greatest of achievements."
Loathing.
It paralysed her, made it difficult to breathe as she stared at Michael in disgust, unable to fully register his words any more. B-but I looked up to you...you'vebeensoselflessand...it'sallalie...
"Always praise, always..." Michael snorted in disgust at the idea...and now Tali agreed. "...if they'd only realise, if they only realise who I actually am..."
You're...loathsome.
Tali felt as if her heart had given up. It wasn't right...it...hurt.
And Ashley still tried to talk as the elevator with a hum reached its exit. "B-but yo-you're so..."
"I'm not."
Silence.
Then a shake of his head as Michael turned about, his entire being exuding...defeat...pain...self-loathing.
And for the first time in her life Tali found herself glaring at him in disgust.
He marched forth...and Ashley stepped out of his path as he brushed past the two women and headed towards the noisy wards outside: "Go back to the Normandy, that's an order...I...need to be alone."
"I..." Ashley reached out after him...only to lower her hand as she with a sad look looked down at her feet. "...it wasn't supposed to be like this..." Despite it all there was...sympathy in her stance, not loathing, not even disgust, just sympathy...
Tali snorted in disgust even as she slid to her feet. Endangering so many...hedeservesnone...
She looked back after the disappearing shape of the man...and found herself grimacing in irritation. There had been too many strong emotions in his walk, too many dangerous emotions...he shouldn't be alone.
Yet he deserved it...
But it was dangerous for him to be alone...
Not that he didn't deserve it...
She shuddered, shoulders slumping in defeat as her upbringing defeated her anger.
I'm not him, I don't fail my people..
"Come on Tali...I...I think I need to go back and sleep..."
Tali's hand shot out, holding the door to the elevator before it closed, unable to look back at the sympathy in Ashley's stance – fearing her own reaction if she did – and pressed herself out into the wards, voice a growl: "I'll catch up with you later."
"Tali..."
But the door slid close as she moved after the loathsome figure in the distance...
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Thanks to Abydos Jackson for managing to get through this one.