Sorry for taking so long on the latest Chapter folks, I've been working on it on and off for awhile and it was mostly done before my old laptop decided to stop working. That'll teach me not to keep backups.
That said I'm working on the new version now so don't worry this is not a dead fic.
In the mean time have some Crack Omake.

Omake: Grail War Grand Prix

"Welcome everyone to the fourth Grail War Grand Prix! This year we have a very special race for you all!" Announced a rather aged priest.
"That's right Mr Kotomine, this year every Servant is using a bike! Isn't that special?" Replied a white haired angel.
"Not only that but my son is participating!" A handkerchief seemed to have materialized out of thin air. "I'm so proud." He whispered.
"I know just how you feel, my Husband is out there too! DO YOUR BEST DARLING!"
The Magus Killer simply smiled and waved back before turning to his Servant who had yet to grab his previously mentioned bike.

"Hey Master." Asked Saber hesitantly. "Do you have a spare coin I could borrow? I'm a bit short."
"Saber, the race is about to start, shouldn't you be more worried about our vehicle?"
"Yeah that's why I need the coin." Emiya realized that it might be quicker to give his insane Servant the money then to try and convince him to race first. A moment later he raised an eye brow as a strange vending machine materialized out of nowhere.
Like all Servants he knew that Saber could pull his noble phantasms into existence.
What kind of hero had a vending machine for a noble phantasm?
As soon as Saber inserted the coin into the machine however it transformed unfolding itself into a bike.

Lancer, Kayneth and Sola were all happy and conflicted for different reasons as they sat on their bike.
Kayneth was happy that his fiance was holding onto him so tightly but conflicted since his body was being possessed by Lancer. Was it technically cheating if it was his body? He wasn't sure.
Sola was happy that she got to be so close to Lancer but at the same time was disgusted that she was using touching husband's body. Was it technically touching if there was armor in the way? She wasn't sure.
Lancer was just happy to have a woman wrapped around him so tightly but disliked the fact that he couldn't show his real face in public. Was it technically his real face if he was a clone from the throne of heroes? He wasn't sure.

Kotomine arguably had the best and worst seat in the house. House being a metaphor here since everyone was outside on a race track. It could be considered the best since it was technically the seat that offered the best view, allowing him to navigate and view the track from a strategic vantage point. A unique advantage.

However it could be considered the worst due to how uncomfortable it was. Sitting on the shoulders of his Servant didn't feel safe.
Now normally that wouldn't be a problem for the skilled Executioner however the Servant below him was sitting on the shoulders of the Servant below who was also sitting on the shoulders of the Servant below and so on.
Apparently he had managed to summon seven Assassins but only one bike between them all.
That had created strange seating arrangements.

Waver was annoyed at his own rather diminutive height at that moment. He was always somewhat sensitive about it honestly but today was especially bad. Sitting behind his Servant Waver could simply not see anything in front of him.
If it was a normal person he was clinging onto he could lean his head out slightly to the side to see what was there but with his Servant Rider such a thing was impossible.

Kamen Rider Stronger simply had a HUGE chest, the thing looked as if it was pumped full of air.
"Rider, do you have to wear that thing?"
"Of course I do!" He answered as Waver expected his Servant to spew out a list of how the chest piece was protective, beneficial in combat etc.
"I have to wear it because it has a giant S on it, how else will people know I am STRONGER!" He shouted for the fifth time that day.
Waver wondered why he was here.

Caster and Ryuunoske were both feeling a bit cramped.
Out of all the bikes assembled at the race track only Caster's had a ceiling.
"How vexing." Murmured the purple Servant.
"Can't... breath..." The orange haired Master struggled to whisper as his face was pressed against the glass.
"Don't worry Master I've practiced racing on this track before they even opened it up for everyone, I can remember all the turns..."
As the green light flashed all of the racers quickly moved ahead in a burst of speed. Caster took a sharp left into the wall smashing his bike as all of the other racers passed him by turning right.
"I hate mirror maps... how vexing." A defeated Servant whispered.

Archer going at a rather good pace, his Master was very impressed.
"Archer, my majesty, such a fine vehicle you have but I must ask, why is the blue paint still wet?" The blue gunman chuckled.
"Well as the owner of the best and latest stuff it's sooo new that it's yet to dry." His Master accepted the logic without thought.

Meanwhile back at the starting line two teams still remained unmoving.
"The heavens cry out!" The crowd cheered.
"The earth cries out!" Waver groaned.
"The people cry out!" Rider was very good at riling the crowd up.
"They cry out for me to destroy evil!" The sunlight reflected off his helmet in a pleasing fashion.
"Listen up, evildoers...I am the warrior of justice, Kamen Rider Stronger!" A wind passes by flicking the white scarf he wore behind him in a dramatic fashion as he finally accelerated to join the other racers at amazing speeds.

The remaining racer however did not move. Not because he didn't choose to but because he was unable to.
Sitting on a cardboard cutout the unseen Berserker screamed something that sounded like...
"ONORE DIENDOOOOOOO!"
His Master likewise screamed.
"ONORE TOKIOMIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Lancer was a decent racer and because of his class had great speed so it was no surprise that he was coming first. However being a Lancer cursed him with bad luck.
"Final Form Ride." A voice called out. "DEN-O!"
Kayneth seemed to pop out of Lancer's body and onto the road only to be run over by several other racers, no one seemed to care.
However as Lancer's body twisted and morphed for a split moment his hands were not on the handles of his bike. He and Sola quickly found themselves crashing into a cliff wall.
Luckily being a Servant meant he was quick enough to protect Sola.
"Oh Lancer." She sighed dreamily as the Servant held her in his arms shielding her from harm. Despite now losing the Grail war it felt like a victory for her.
For Lancer the fact that she was safe made him feel good as well.
For Kayneth however? Well he was just happy that his magical circuits at least were all intact unlike another version of him in another universe.

Saber and Assassin were both neck and neck when suddenly Rider blazed past them both in a flash of bright light.
"HAHA I'M IN FIRST PLACE!" He announced to his Master's relief who still couldn't see anything.
It was about then that his bike abruptly stopped allowing all of the other competitors to speed ahead.
"Uhh Rider? Why did we stop?"
"Hmm? Oh right, my bike is an electric bike, ran outta juice."
"What..."
"Good for the environment, after all THE EARTH CRIES OUT!"

The remaining three racers, Saber, Archer and Assassin were all neck and neck however Archer seemed to slow down.
Tosaka wanted to question his Servant but didn't want to press his luck after already doing that once. Kings from what he had read about were very tempremental after all and pissing off Gilgasmesh didn't seem like a good idea.
Archer was doing this on purpose of course. What was the point of getting the Holy Grail if you won it fair and square? He was a thief! It they just gave it to him it'd be no fun.

Now that the last two teams were in the lead Saber and Emiya were motivated more then ever. The Assassins and the priest leaned forwards in anticipation.
They leaned so far forwards that the priest dangled out in front of the bike extending their lead by a good three bodies or so.

This would not do.

"Emiya I mean Master!" Saber pleaded. "I need to stop for a moment and use a few more coins."
Kiritsugu frowned at that. However seeing his Servant work so hard to get to the end and the fact that he was proven wrong before about how crazy Saber was made him trust the heroic spirit.
"Very well, stop and I shall provide the money."

Skidding to the side of the road the Assassins now had a huge lead.
Getting off the bike it turned back into a vending machine.
Grabbing a few yellow coins of his own he then quickly inserted them all into his belt before turning into a lion, tiger, cheetah hybrid.
Grabbing the coin off his master he inserted it into the machine before it provided him with a yellow can which quickly turned into a giant tube which the vending machine combined with to turn into a tiger, bike tank thing.

Emiya did not say anything but raised an eyebrow before getting onto the machine which roared in fury before dashing forwards to the finish line easily passing the Assassins and the priest.

The after party involved much ice blocks being distributed.
Even then Kayneth laid on the road battered and bruised as no one came for him. Or cared really.
Well except for Caster and his Master but that's a different story altogether that involved four burgers, a straw, three unidentified books of varying sizes and a good deal of strawberry milkshakes.