Fear.
It held Tali's heart in a solid grip as she, like a silent shadow, followed Michael out of the comm room.
Outside the galaxy map glowed a pale blue, ready to be used, around it the computers handling all manner of items on the ship glowed amber...even as the crew tending to it ignored their duties, all silently turning to look at their Commander, all straightening, sympathy and worry in their stances.
Michael didn't seem to notice it, a slight slouch of his back, as if he couldn't straighten properly any longer, the cloak of grief following him making him look...small.
Navigator Pressly's hand moved to salute...only to stop as Tali softly shook her head at him, not knowing what even such a small gesture could do to Michael.
He met her eyes...and offered a minuscule nod before looking away.
Michael moved for the stairs...and the guard there stood frozen to the spot, too afraid to even breathe as the Commander brushed past him and moved down the stairs.
And Tali followed.
What else was there to do? She wanted nothing but to close the distance and give him a hug...but knew it would shatter him. Nor could she leave him on his own, for then she couldn't be there if he did shatter...
So she followed, a silent shadow, trembling in the presence of the man she had to follow.
The next deck was no better. Crew that had been sitting down eating rose from their seats, an automatic response to their Commander being present...only to look at him with fear and worry in their stance. Silent, still as statues...and ignored by the man that usually walked around them joking when he wasn't reading.
He moved for the medical bay...and Tali's heart sunk like a stone when she realised what he was about to do.
Don't...he's still hurt, wounded, in so many ways...talking to him now...while you're like you are...please don't.
Michael didn't hear her mental plea, or perhaps he did, yet ignored it.
He walked through the door to the med-bay...and stopped as doctor Chakwas moved to meet them.
Neither Michael nor Tali looked at the doctor though, their eyes drawn to the bed at the far right corner of the med-bay.
The man lay perfectly still, his arms along his sides, face turned towards the ceiling, only the slightest of movements of his chest showing he was even alive. His head was covered in a dark red mask covered in bulges, only leaving two openings for his eyes and one for his mouth. Two blue hoses and a black cord were attached to the mask before running up to a machine attached to the wall...a machine giving off slow, steady beeps.
Keelah...
Yet Chakwas was now right in front of them, demanding attention...and both tore their eyes from the sight to look at her.
The doctor looked...older...her tiredness clear in her every move as she stood before Michael, eyes soft and voice low: "Commander, Alenko is still not asleep, if you want to sit with him it's perhaps for the best if you waited...he needs no more stress..."
Silence.
Then a small cough, Michael's voice strained and small: "His...status?"
And the doctor hesitated, head turning back to look at her patient. It would not be good news... "He's sedated, as much as I dare make him given the trauma and the current treatment to his injuries...it's a precarious balance." She looked back to Michael, sighing. "I can restore a lot in this...he might even look normal, it's a bit of a roll of a dice I'm afraid. Given time and some plastic surgery he will look nearly the same as before his...injuries." Now a grimace stole its way to her face, body shuddering with a worry: "But I'm just a doctor, I cannot heal his mind, I...worry."
Silence.
Michael's eyes stayed focused on the doctor, asking a question he didn't dare voice...and Tali feared the answer.
Chakwas looked down at the floor, softly shaking her head: "He...since he stopped screaming in pain he hasn't said anything...he doesn't...react."
No...
Tali's hand shot up, an inch from landing on Michael's shaking shoulder...only to stop, her mind fighting every fibre of her body as she struggled not to shatter Michael by giving in to her own need.
"Leave us." Michael's voice was still but a tiny whisper, yet demanded obedience.
"I...yes Commander..." Chakwas sidestepped past the man, eyes downcast even as she muttered. "I'll...be right outside if there's need for me." If Alenko crashes you mean...
A hiss...and the door closed behind the doctor.
Michael took a step forward...and stopped, head turning to look at her, dull and...tired.
A soft nod towards the door, an order, spoken by a man too weary to voice it.
I...can't.
Feeling her breath hitch in fear of what she was about to do Tali leant back against the wall, crossed her arms over her chest...and softly shook her head.
Silence.
Then Michael turning, shrugging...and Tali breathed out a sigh of relief even as she pressed herself into the shadow of a corner, unwilling to intrude, yet unable to leave...as she watched.
Michael was slowly moving towards Alenko, steps slow and careful, as if he was walking on glass...upper body leaning away from the injured man, Michael not really wanting to go there...yet unable to stop himself.
Unable to stop punishing himself.
Then he was there, next to the bed, looking down at Kaidan...whose open eyes didn't even cast him a glance, gaze fixed on the ceiling.
Silence.
A scrape of a chair against the floor...and Michael sat down, gaze never leaving Kaidan's unresponsive eyes.
Silence.
Then Michael's voice, a shaky croak: "I...hear you'll live...you will even regain you face...given time."
No response.
Not even a twitch.
"The...Saren's base was destroyed...we..." A pause, Michael's shoulders shaking. "...succeeded."
And Kaidan remained still, uncaring.
Does he even hear Michael? Keelah...
Michael took a struggling breath. "I...we're returning to the Citadel...I hope to get you further medical aid there..."
The silence was deafening.
And Michael leant forward, hands coming to rest upon the edge of Kaidan's bed. "P-please...I can't...bear to lose another..." A small whimper, the Commander's shoulders slumping as he bowed his head. "Please..."
And Kaidan...just lay there.
But now something was stirring, Tali could see it, a trembling...and she wasn't sure it was a good sign.
Michael shook his head, back moving with heavy breaths, voice a croak: "Kaidan, please...don't let this...she would never want you to-"
He stopped mid-sentence, looking up as Kaidan's head suddenly turned, hard brown eyes boring into his Commander's, Michael visibly shuddering as he looked back into the remorseless eyes.
And the silence stretched on.
Then a whisper, Kaidan's voice a ruined, hoarse whisper: "You never deserved it..."
And Michael went completely still.
"The devotion, the hero-worship...none of it."
Silence.
Kaidan gasping for breath, as if the whisper had been a shout, voice bitter: "Her desire, whatever I did she couldn't stop...even when you ignored her...I was a distraction from you. But you...you never did anything for her...despite her devotion..."
No...don't...
Tali swallowed, watching as Michael shuddered, only to go still again, waiting for the next blow, wanting it.
"But she couldn't stop...her love..." A cough, bitter and full of grief, turning into a hiss. "...and you deserved none of it...she gave you everything...and you deserved nothing!" His voice rose at the end, his body lurching upwards...only to collapse back into the bed with a struggling cough.
Keelah...please stop...
Tali's hands moved up, clutching at the sides of her helmet, as if it could stop the words from reaching her...but couldn't bring herself to shut off the audio-reception, couldn't dare to fail Michael now.
Michael's hands moved to help...only to be pushed aside by a weak arm. "Don't touch me! Don't you dare..."
Silence.
Then Kaidan's eyes narrowed under his mask, regarding Michael's stricken form as one would filth: "She died, devoted as always, to you..." Michael flinched, as if punched. "...she died because of you...no other...your fault."
Tali could see it, the guilt in Kaidan's body, shaking, pained, angry, grieving, pent-up...needing an outlet. But she couldn't bring herself to speak, rendered speechless by the anguish in the two men before her.
Before her Michael's head moved with a nod, then dropped low, voice a tiny whisper: "Yes..."
No...Keelah no...don't...
Kaidan snorted, a sneer in his shaking voice: "You failed her..."
Michael didn't move, save his shoulders as they shook: "Yes..."
Tears were suddenly prickling Kaidan's eyes, the man turning his head, looking back up at the ceiling as grief overcame him, his voice a choked gasp: "We have nothing more to discuss."
Silence.
Michael's shoulders shaking.
Then him turning to look up, hand shaking as it moved towards Kaidan's shoulder. "K-Kaidan..."
"Commander." Kaidan didn't look back, his voice ice. "Go to hell."
Michael's hand dropped, the man looking...lost.
He got up, turned, face streaked with tears, yet otherwise it was blank...devoid of emotions that made his entire body shake.
He didn't look back when he walked away.
And Kaidan didn't look after him.
Tali shot a final glance back at Kaidan, the man looked small and...lonely...and then forced herself to move after Michael.
She had a feeling worse was to come...
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Thanks to Abydos Jackson for her great help.