The room was dark
The only source of light the pale glow of the computer in the corner, its wide screen filled with the image of an empty document, a resignation letter not written, that wouldn't be written, for what was the point? Death or survival, in the end...his resignation would be out of his hands.
For when it came down to it...he was powerless.
Michael had never been all that comfortable with having the Captain's quarter. It wasn't his, it was David's...and Michael couldn't quite get over the fact that he didn't deserve the gift of such a ship, never mind the all too spacious room of Anderson's quarters.
In the end it wasn't even that useful. He had an electronic reader for information gathering, so he didn't need to sit by the computer, he could be more efficient doing something else while reading. As to the bed...yes he'd used it a few times since he'd stopped with the drugs, after all, he needed sleep to function well...but mostly he had used the sleeping pods the rest of the crew used. It was good for morale and was, in the end, more efficient, the bed was just some relic of ancient times, a waste of space.
Except now, now he could sit on it, in the darkness of Anderson's quarters, and hide.
It had been surprisingly easy to enact his plan, stealing the Normandy under the very noses of the Council and the entire Citadel fleet.
The crew and ground team were all loyal to him after all, misguided as they were, and not one had called out a warning, instead they had all willingly moved to steal the ship, potentially ruining all their careers and lives.
They had done it for him...and he deserved none of it.
Still, it probably wouldn't have worked if the Council hadn't seen him so...destroyed. They had assumed he wouldn't put up any more of a fight, that he'd bow to their wishes...and such hadn't done more then a standard lock-down upon the Normandy, a lock-down easily overridden by the order of an Anderson using Udina's console and authority.
There had been a brief feeling of satisfaction as Michael saw them rush to the nearest relay, the Normandy entering it even as they got a hurried order from the Destiny's Ascension to return, too late to stop them, it was the feeling of a reached objective.
Yet that had been the end of it.
Tali's yelling had only gotten so much out of him. He had deserved every stinging word...and it had gotten him to do what was necessary... But now, with hours before they reached Ilos...he had time to think...and felt darkness pull him down once more. He had tried to read up on Ilos, to find some tactical or strategical data to use...but in the end there wasn't any, and...he couldn't bring himself to care.
He'd gotten them out of the Citadel, and he would do the rest...but he didn't...he didn't want to get through it. It was no longer a question of fulfilling a mission or to reach an objective, it was about forgiveness, his own...and the only way to even begin earning it was death, a final martyrdom.
For all my sins...I'm going to hell.
Sitting on the bed, head downcast, Michael shuddered even as a shadow of a smile stole its way to his lips.
Good.
The smile died.
It won't be enough though, it never will be.
The darkness of the room crept closer...coldness seeping into his flesh, shadows crawling over his skin, claws tearing at his being...
He wanted to scream, but nothing came, nothing but a small gasp as he doubled over where he sat, hands close to his chest as something wet and cold trickled down his face...weakness.
Death will be a relief...that I don't deserve.
Then there was light.
Flinching away from it Michael raised his hands to his face, as if trying to shield it from a blow. Yet he still looked up, turning his head to the right, towards the source of the light...
The light came from the doorway to the room...and she was but a thin shadow against the sharp light behind her.
Small, petite...frail.
Yet for the first time Michael understood how false that was, how truly wrong that impression was.
Between the two of them...she was the stronger.
They should have made you the Spectre...
Michael sighed...and drank in the sight of her, knowing he couldn't escape, that there was nowhere to go.
Her left hand was holding her limp right arm, her right foot slightly ahead of the other, making her look even smaller then she actually was. With her head slightly bowed a shadow had fallen over her visor, making her eyes shine all the brighter, silver orbs looking back at him.
She was...beautiful...
It was a painful sight.
"I..." She started, taking a furtive step forward...and the door closed behind her, once more swallowing the room in darkness. "...it feels as if Ashley should be here..."
Divert. The order was a weary whisper...but Michael obeyed none the less. "No..." he looked away, gathering strength, then looked back, forcing a tiny smile, voice hoarse: "...what can I do for you? How are you doing? I imagine that for a Quarian stealing a ship isn't-"
"Michael." Tali stopped his flow of word with a whisper, taking another step closer, hands dropping limp to her sides as her silver eyes looked down at him. "You always come to us, talking about us, caring for us. Now I'm coming to you... Let me talk about you, let me...care." A sigh, emotions making her voice shake. "Just...this one time."
No...
Michael shook his head, a worm of panic deep within him wriggling against the darkness that seemed to have dulled his insides...but couldn't give voice to the fear, couldn't protest.
Tali moved forth, slipping over the floor as if in a dream...and sat down to his right, the bed barely moving with her slight weight.
Silence.
Michael looked away, down at the floor, feeling...tired.
Tali's warbling voice was soft and small, not so much cutting through the silence as it was a part of it: "I...can...understand you're upset." She hesitated. "It's because you grieve for her yes...blame yourself too...but also because part of you won't let yourself do this..."
Wh-what? Michael looked up in confusion even as he felt a a worm of...something bite into his gut.
Tali's head was bowed, silver eyes looking at him from under the edge of her cowl. "Michael...don't you think I see through that act of yours?" A slow shake of her head. "Always overly friendly, overly caring on the ship, that need to do so driving you." Need...Michael shuddered, feeling...exposed. "Yet, on the ground, on missions, so cold, so calculating...it's just a lie Michael, a lie you've told yourself."
I...no...
His chest hurt...and he looked away.
"It was the Blitz wasn't it?"
Don't...I don't want to...
"Did you think assuming those personalities would...help? Would make you better?" Tali's questions were so softly spoken...and bore into him like daggers. "To distance you from yourself...and become..." Tali's hand moved, and Michael followed it as she gestured at the walls around them. "...this hero they always speak of? Or was it just to become perfect? To never fail again?"
God...please don't.
He cringed away...eyes squeezing shut.
But he couldn't shut her voice out: "Yes, never to fail, to always be prepared, to be the perfect soldier...yet also to not care during missions, to distance yourself..." A small sigh. "...to be some sort of machine..." No, it was never...I haven't... "Michael...is it worth it? To shut yourself away from everything? To try and make yourself into nothing but a leader and a soldier? To be nothing but the Commander?"
Michael's mouth opened...but no words escaped him, all breath gone, as if a giant fist was squeezing his chest tightly.
"Yet here we are..." Tali sighed. "You couldn't run away from who you are...yet still you refuse to see it, to acknowledge it. I think that hurts you more then anything else..."
Agony.
It shot through Michael like a spike...and he doubled over as his hands found his face, clutching at it as small gasp escaped him: "A monster..."
Silence.
Then Tali's voice, as if from a great distance: "No Michael..." Gloved hands reached down, finding the sides of his head...and he couldn't resist as they pulled it up to make him face her.
Her eyes bore into his, the softness in them...hurting him.
"...that you're a good man."
NO!
Michael's head snapped out of her grip as he looked away, panic welling up within him, making him shake even as disgust rolled around in his gut, turning his voice into a hoarse croak: "I'm not...leave me be...please..."
I can't...it hurts...
"Why else working so hard to make everything perfect?" Tali whispered the question. "Why needing to care about everyone under your charge? Why grieve Ashley...if you're a monster?"
"Failure..." Michael looked down at his hands, finding them shaking. "...it's unacceptable...that's all there's to it...nothing else..."
"That's just a shell Michael..." Tali argued, calm, caring, sympathetic. I don't deserve it! Leave me be! Michael turned further away, breathing quick and shallow. "You know you just made that persona out of fear...fear of yourself."
Silence.
"But Michael...you don't have to fear yourself. Please...think...what you did during the Blitz was horrible...but what have you done since then?" Agony, it made his vision swim, his body to sway. Leave me be... "Michael...the Blitz changed you..." Please... "Changed you to become a good man."
"No!" He could only hiss the protest, hands shooting up to grip at his hair, the pain nothing against the agony within his heart. "I...never...!"
"Michael..."
He shook his head, violently, words exploding out of gritted teeth as old memories flickered before his vision, bloody after bloody image that had been burnt into his mind for what felt like an eternity: "Murder, arson, robbery, assault, rape, torture...all the blood..." A gasp escaped him, his eyes opening wide as he stared at his open hands, the dark shadows of the room making them look like claws to his blurry vision, the claws of a beast. "...for the credits, for the kicks...a mindless monster..."
Next to him he felt Tali tremble, and he didn't blame her.
His teeth were shattering against one another as he felt...cold. "And then...mass murder...but not mindless...oh no...calculated...vicious...planned...a true monster."
Silence.
And Michael couldn't help it, he tore his gaze looking away from his cruel hands, looked up at Tali, his voice rising into a pained gasp as he looked into those silvery eyes: "He must never appear again! He must never..." He shook his head, feeling...drained...shoulders slumping as he looked down at the small space between them. So little...yet between them there was a great gap, for she was a good person.
Silence.
Then Tali's whisper, still soft, still caring...burning him: "Michael...he's a good man now."
Can't...no...not acceptable...
"He can't be." Michael looked back down at the floor, shaking as he gritted his teeth. "There's nothing...nothing that can make him a good man, he is condemned...as it should be. Let that man die..."
Tali's voice shook with tears: "And let you continue to pretend you're a emotionless machine? A machine holding back a person that no longer exists? I...can't do that. The blitz didn't confirm you as the hero others think, nor as the monster you think...it turned you into the hero you became..."
"I'm no damn...!" Michael couldn't say the word, it sickened him...and his energy drained away at the mere thought of it.
It felt as if something within him was breaking, walls of stone and steel cracking, crumpling...as something behind them again and again threw its weight at its prison.
He feared it.
"Michael...a monster wouldn't have saved the colonists on Feros."
His mind reeled, the words making his body sway where he sat. Yet he still managed to mutter: "It was tactical to..."
"No." Tali's whisper killed his protest, making his breath come out in a shuddering gasp: "They were no problem, you could have killed them, brought Wrex with you to the Thorian...it would have been safer." No... "But you took the risk, for you wanted to spare them...to save them."
Michael shook his head, eyes screwing shut as he slammed his palms down on the bed, body stiffening in pain.
But Tali had no mercy, her whisper tearing into Michael: "Same with Shiala, what more could she do for you? You said it yourself when you were upset with the council...you wanted to give her a second chance. Michael...only a good man would have said that, a man that understood her regret and guilt."
A small gasp...Michael's hands gripping onto the edge of the bed, body shaking as that terrifying thing within again and again slammed into the walls within him.
"Benezia...the Council was right...a Spectre would have taken her captive. But a good man...he knows when to be merciful." No...please...stop... "And the Rachni queen...what strategic value is one queen to you in the future? You did it out of mercy..."
A sharp shake of his head, voice a pained gasp: "Kaidan..."
"An excuse..." Tali sighed softly, voice shaking. "...just an excuse to choose what you did when it didn't fit the shells you'd surrounded yourself with. It was your choice Michael...not his."
"They...they're not..." He couldn't protest, couldn't say it, his every breath painful.
"They are shells, Michael..." Tali's words drove into him, hurting him. "Why else go down to set off the self-destruct on your own? Why not risk someone else? Because you couldn't bear the thought of letting someone else die in your stead, because you care about the people in your charge. Not just as resources, not just as soldiers under your command...but as people. And it wasn't something you made yourself do on the ship, it wasn't...you just...do."
He was doubling up, hands against his aching chest, mouth open wide as he gasped for air, eyes screwed shut as tears ran down his face.
As the monster within him smashed against his walls...he knew only fear.
"You...cared for Ashley..." Tali's voice somehow became even softer. "...in your heart you know this is why it hurts. It's not some failure...you didn't fail her...it's simple grief...accept it."
"I...can't..." Michael shook his head, lips trembling as he tried to speak: "Not...like that...just...can't allow...to...care...like that...distraction...dangerous..."
He was painfully aware of Tali's feelings...and the way she tensed didn't help.
Silence.
"But you can't shut off your feelings..." Tali muttered, regret in her voice. "...you did care..."
"She..had all...I wanted..." Michael shook his head. It...hurt. "...but never that...never allowed it...can't...avoided her...for a reason...couldn't allow..."
His words died as he managed a glance at the tense Quarian, swallowing with terror at what he felt. Didn't avoid you though...
As if sensing his thought Tali tensed even further...and her voice was but a tiny squeak: "F-for...the sake of the mission?"
A pained nod, Michael feeling his heart stopping as that terrifying something within him begun to crash through the walls that now barely held it. "Always for the mission...can't...let anyone fall because of me..."
"Michael..." Tali whispered gasp shook. "...such selflessness...only exists within a good man."
The walls shook...and fell.
It hurt
"God..." Michael coughed out a sob, mouth hanging open in a pained grimace as his hands found his eyes, pressing his palms into them in a futile attempt to stop the tears.
It hurt!
Agony was shooting through his chest, making his body shake with sobs and pain as a searing flood flowed through his body, tearing apart his insides with white-hot agony.
Then there were thin arms around his shoulders, tugging, pulling... And he found himself slowly dropping to the right, his head finding a lap as softly touching hands moved through his hair, then up to his left shoulder, pulling him closer.
His own hands left his eyes, eyes screwed shut as he cried, instead they closed into fists, fists he held close to his chest as he drew up his knees to them...his body shaking with a flood he couldn't control.
All control was gone, all discipline lost, everything he'd spent years building into what he though an impregnable fortress...swept away.
And he couldn't help but lose himself in it.
A hand was resting on his cheek, another on his shoulder...as he wept.
And wept.
And wept.
He wasn't sure when the shaking stopped, or when the tears ceased, it could have been only a few minutes for all his confused mind could fathom...but for some reason he believed it had gone on for a long time.
All he knew was that he was still lying there, his legs pulled, hands clutching his chest...and his head resting on a soft lap as an even softer hand rested on his cheek, another slowly stroking him between the shoulder-blades.
He blinked, staring into the darkness...stunned.
It still hurt...but now he could think...he lived...
He felt...lighter.
A sniffle...and he swallowed. "I...I think I'm...okay now..."His arms hurt to move, his legs too, but he forced himself to stretch them out, to place his hands against the bed and push...to sit up. He couldn't, however, dare to look at Tali. "I...sorry about that...I..." He shook his head, not knowing what to say.
He felt so...confused.
And light.
It was dizzying.
"Don't be..." Tali whispered, a small sniffle escaping her as well. "...I'm just..." A shuddering breath. "...glad I could help."
"You..." Michael blinked, looking down at himself, still...stunned. "...did..." He felt a shadow of a smile on his lips.
Then he saw the hand, the gloved hand so gently reaching out towards his cheek...and flinched.
Tali's hand instantly shot back, and as Michael watched he found the Quarian holding it tight to her chest, as if burnt.
Regret.
As exhausted as he was...it still managed to burn him as he swallowed: "I...sorry...I didn't mean to..."
"No...no..." Tali shook her head, all too eagerly. "...I shouldn't have...I mean you're all..."
"Yes but..." Michael licked his lips, feeling awkward along with his exhaustion and regret. "...I didn't...you...I..."
"Yes..." Tali looked away, her hands moving down to the bed, pushing her up to her feet, voice shaking: "...I...I should get going...engines...I...sorry..."
"Don't, it's just...I..." Michael didn't know what to say, how could he know? He barely recognised himself...he was dizzy, exhausted, feeling all...confused. "...I shouldn't have..."
"No..." Tali moved, feet awkwardly moving her towards the door as she gasped out the words: "...my fault...I shouldn't have...you know..."
Michael opened his mouth, wanting to stop her, wanting to...something.
But nothing came to him.
The door opened...and Tali was once more but a thin shadow in the doorway, this time moving away.
"Tali." The name escaped his lips...and the Quarian turned her head, silver eyes moving to meet his...as Michael somehow felt himself smile: "Thank you."
Her eyes narrowed, but not in anger, it was that of a smile: "Any time, Michael."
She moved...and the door closed behind her.
Michael closed his eyes...and fell backwards, exhaustion swiftly dragging him into the darkness of a dreamless sleep, yet one thought still managed to take form within his exhausted mind.
Thank you...
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Thanks to Abydos Jackson.