A/N: This is short, but I thought you might need a palate cleanser after the last one :(
12. I am Crashed and Dead
"I don't know what he's going through," Steve said suddenly. He was in the passenger seat; Natasha was driving them back to the Tower.
"I think you have some idea. I mean, you're both from the forties and slept through the decades. You're both super soldiers. That's a pretty similar life experience," she added, smiling.
He snorted. "I don't think that last one for him was much like mine."
"Yeah?"
"I wanted to be one. I wanted to go to war. He didn't."
"But he did go," she said, glancing at him, prompting.
"He was drafted. He tried to explain that he was needed here, for his family." He sighed. "For me. But they needed men." He shrugged. "We were going to enlist together, but they wouldn't take me."
"You were able to serve together eventually, though. For how long?"
"Over a year with the Howling Commandos. Until he fell."
"You both fell, Steve."
He sighed deeply. "Yeah."
"More things you have in common," she said, looking over at him again briefly.
"I guess," he answered, shrugging. "It was too fast."
"Hmm?"
"Bucky fell when we were going to capture Zola. He gave us the information we needed to find Schmidt. So it was only a couple of days before my plane went down."
"That's rough, Steve," she said quietly. "Not much time to grieve before being flung into all of this," she motioned to encompass the world at large.
"Yeah, but it wasn't so bad. I was getting used to it."
"Was?"
He smiled at her concern. "Am. If it had been someone else... I'd probably be doing pretty good."
"So, you're not doing good? Did you call that nurse?"
"Yeah, I did. We've gone out a couple times. But it's hard to move on, to feel like I should be comfortable here."
"Why not?"
"Because he's not. And it's my fault."
They stopped at a stoplight. She depressed the breaks a little faster than was necessary and looked at him intently. "What they did to him was out of your control. There was no way for you to know, or do anything about it."
He met her gaze. "He joined the Commandos because of me. He probably would have gone home otherwise. Sure, he might have served another tour, but the worst that could have happened there is him being killed in action."
"You'd prefer him to be dead?"
"Of course not. But then none of this would have happened to him."
"You think they took him because of you?"
"I don't know. But they knew who I was. Zola and Schmidt. They weren't too happy to see me. It wouldn't be much of a stretch."
The light was green. A horn honked and she started forward again, staring fixedly ahead with a frown. "You can't blame yourself. Bad guys will always try to break down what's good."
He looked at her in surprise. "I guess," he said. "I don't think that will make him feel much better," he muttered.
She sighed. "He's going to feel a lot of guilt. If you want to help him, give him a way to redeem himself."
"You're right," he conceded. "That's what you were doing today."
"Yeah, well, he's really good at opening doors. Saved me some time," she replied with a smirk.
He ran his fingers through his hair, leaning back against the headrest behind him. "I wish it had been someone else. Anyone else," he said quietly.
"If it had been someone else, do you think you would have survived the last mission?" she asked sharply.
He considered. "Maybe."
"Hell, you might not even have been successful in putting that last chip in if it hadn't been your former best friend."
He frowned, thinking. "He fought differently that time than on the highway."
"Did he?" She glanced at him, lifting an eyebrow.
"Yeah. More like he was trying to stop me than trying to kill me. He could have shot me somewhere more deadly if he wanted to." He paused, realization making his chest hurt. "Bucky was always a great shot."
"So, because HYDRA weaponized your best friend, you were able to defeat them. Pretty thoroughly, too." She shook her head.
"You think these things happened for a reason?" he asked, surprised at this side of her.
She snorted. "No. But you do. I think it's hubris. Just be glad you got your friend back. He needs a little work, but he's still clearly your friend."
Steve closed his eyes, overcome. His phone buzzed, and he blinked a few times before opening the device. It was a text from Sam. He let out a sigh of relief, taking with it a great deal of tension he'd been feeling. "Sam says Bucky's in the Tower."
"Good," she said, eyes still fixed ahead as she turned down the familiar street.
He looked at her, thinking. "Would you?"
"Would I what?"
"Have gone back to the Tower, if you were in his shoes."
"I don't know, Steve. I never had someone from my past interested in my future. But I'm not surprised."
"Why not?"
"Where else would he go? He already chose to stay with you when he could have run."
Steve considered that. "More than once," he reflected.
She was pulling into the motor pool, parking. She turned to look at him. "Yeah?"
He nodded. "When I went to find the 107th during the war, he wouldn't leave without me, even when I told him to. He didn't leave the war when he could have, because I asked him to stay. He didn't let me drown when I fell from the helicarrier." He cleared his throat, frowning. "Dr. Erskine said the serum would amplify whatever was already inside. I don't know if his was like mine, but…" he trailed off.
"But he was always looking out for you," she finished.
"Yeah."
"Even when he didn't know who you were."
"Pretty much."