"Good morning, Elsa!" Anna beamed as she skipped into the study, throwing the door open with a loud bang, "Oh- oops." She grasped the edge then turned back.
Elsa flinched at the loud sound but had to smile at her sister's enthusiasm, especially after the morning she'd had.
"Good morning, Anna." She put down the papers she had been reviewing, "How was your morning?"
"Fine. The Wysocki farmers have promised not to take any more rocks from the Worzala fields, which I know you were very concerned about." She said sarcastically.
"Yes, I was losing sleep over it." Elsa shook her head, "The sheer number of individual tasks it takes to run this kingdom is staggering." She sighed, "But thank goodness that is not why we are getting together today."
She attempted to wipe the exhaustion from her face.
Whether or not it worked, Elsa continued, "What would you like to do today?" Her comment was meant to move the conversation from previous topics of the day; the reality of facing the same harsh duties every day for the foreseeable future was overwhelming. Best to avoid talking about the morning and focus instead on enjoying the afternoon.
"I don't know, but I have a few ideas." Anna paused, "How was your morning?"
So much for avoiding the topic. Elsa looked down and sank into her chair.
"It was…difficult." An understatement to say the least.
Anna frowned.
"Why? Did something happen?" Somehow she didn't think it was as simple as boring meetings. She took a seat at the desk.
"No, I- nothing went wrong, per se." Her body felt smaller as the chair engulfed her, "I'm just dealing with a lot of unhappy citizens. The summer blizzard was obviously damaging, and even my…reformation has not been very impressive by their standards." She paused, "Rightfully so. I knew it already, but having to face them today was another matter."
Anna leaned closer and gave her knee a squeeze, a gesture meant to move Elsa's mind back to the present, and remind her that she did not face these tasks alone.
"They'll come around, I know they will."
Elsa gave her a disbelieving look but Anna met her scepticism with her own look of confidence.
"I promise they will. Kristoff just told me that they're already starting to order more ice."
"Wait, when had they stopped ordering ice?" Of course they did, she looked shamefully at the floor. She supposed she should feel lucky they were buying ice at all after what she put them through. But then again that was perhaps more a matter of necessity than desire.
Anna sighed, "No, it's not like that. After the blizzard they happened to be set for a few days, that's all." She leaned down and tried to catch Elsa's eye, "They're already getting back to normal."
Elsa continued to look at the floor, still immersed in her guilt. She rubbed her hands together, trying to keep frost from forming between them.
"Elsa?" Anna pressed, "You're going to be fine, and so will they. We're all dealing with it in our own ways, but you've got to stop beating yourself up about it. It doesn't help anyone."
She stubbornly left her hand on Elsa's knee, despite the growing cold. She felt the burn of frost but clenched her jaw and attempted to keep a face of comfort. Eventually Elsa looked up.
"How are you dealing with it?" She stopped rubbing her hands and instead clasped them tightly together, bracing herself.
Anna sat back, taking her chilly hand in the other, warmer one. She tried to choose her words carefully but didn't honestly know how to begin. How was she dealing with it?
"Well…I guess I'm starting with this. With us," She gave a tentative smile, "There are a lot of things to go over, and I think spending time together will help me understand what happened."
Elsa gave a curt nod, relieved to be spared another lecture about the hurt she had caused, and the amends she had to make. She'd had enough of that for one day.
"That makes sense," she unclasped her hands and tried to collect herself. She noticed Anna cradling her hand, "Are you alright? Did I do that?"
Anna shook her head, "I'm fine. You're just a little chilly, but I really am fine." She adopted a tone of reassurance. Now was not the time to push Elsa into feeling any more guilt than she already was.
Elsa chose not to argue but pursed her lips. Anna was not very convincing, though she knew it came from a good place. It occurred to Elsa that she was sulking again, and being especially self-centred considering the tribulations faced by Anna. Anna had stayed the course, tried to make peace and progress even as Elsa had shut her out in every possible way. She had literally left Anna and the entire kingdom behind. To pursue freedom. To pursue peace of mind. Turns out she couldn't have one without the other. Being around the anger and hurt from the morning made her thoughts burn with remorse. Every emotion competed for the spot at the forefront of her mind. She felt caged in, the freedom overshadowed by the burden of the mistakes she'd made. And the people she'd hurt, including Anna.
She looked up and Anna was waiting patiently. Elsa gave a small nod. A Queen's nod. Her cloak of royalty covered the vulnerable wounds of shame and guilt. She winced at the sharp sting of each emotion.
Anna sighed, satisfied for now. She knew Elsa struggled with the responsibilities of ruling in the face of such harsh judgement. She was disappointed at the formality that was so suddenly adopted with a mere nod, but she could see the pain hidden beneath. Perhaps now was not the opportunity for the connection she'd hoped for. She tried to mask her own frustration of being shut out and suppress the hopes she'd raised so recently about the promise of time spent together. Better to lower her expectations and be pleasantly surprised than risk being let down again.
"So what now?" Anna asked, with a hint of formality, referring to activities she assumed would now be separate.
"Now we try not to think about the morning, and spend some time together."
"Really? I mean, you still want to hang out today?" Anna allowed herself to grow excited once again.
Elsa tilted her head toward Anna, lowering some of her barriers. She needed to stop focusing on what was going on in her own head and tend to Anna now. Her expectation of disappointment needed to be remedied.
"Anna, yes of course we're still going to spend time together. I gave you my word," She stood up and held out her hand, "Are you ready?"
Half an hour later they were sitting on top of one of the turrets overlooking the waters of the fjord as it slowly joined the ocean. Sitting next to each other they leaned against the wall, nibbling some chocolate pieces.
Elsa was the first to speak, leaning her head back and letting the sun fall across her pale features.
"This feels amazing." She could feel the stress leaving as her mind finally began to quiet.
"Mmmhmm, yeah it does." Anna glanced at her out of the corner of her eye and joked, "See, summer isn't so bad." She playfully nudged Elsa's shoulder with her own.
Elsa closed her eyes and laughed. It began small but, realizing she had only Anna and the clear blue sky as witnesses, it grew into a full hearted laugh. Anna giggled along, her own laughter growing, until the two were clutching their stomachs, crying with laughter. Eventually their laughter slowed as they caught their breath. Somewhere within Elsa the laughter breathed life into a starving sense of comfort and joy she craved. Anna interrupted her thoughts.
"I wish I could hear you laugh like that more often."
"Me too." She wasn't sure if she meant it with optimistic hope or pessimistic scepticism. There was a pause as they sat and listened to the birds yelling at one another.
A cool breeze, smelling like mossy trees and steady mountains, gently carried away the silence between them.
"Elsa, I want to know-"
"Anna I've been meaning to-"
Anna let out an interrupted laugh and Elsa gave her a formal nod, indicating Anna should continue.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you." Elsa felt compelled to address and remedy an offense that hadn't actually existed. She knew that, and as Queen she had the right to speak first in those situations, but she was not the Queen with Anna.
Anna paused, momentarily forgetting what it was she meant to say. Even such a slight disruption of their newfound flow halted her. It was like the breath held as a glass is tipped- waiting and wondering if it will fall or spiral back in place. A beat went by as Elsa waited.
"That's ok, I think I was just as much of an interrupter, if that's even a word."
It wasn't, but Elsa gave a small wave of her hand, "Please continue." Her language was so permeated by formality that she found it hard to find new words to express new emotions. It was the same language she would use with any advisor or guest of the court, but the sentiment behind it couldn't be more dissimilar.
Anna thought briefly about being polite and letting Elsa speak first, but she had too many burning questions to ask. Her entire life felt like a book whose pages were stolen, but only at jagged intervals; the gaps spaced to leave the reader confused and unsatisfied without suspecting pieces had been lost. Except it wasn't a book, it was her life that felt frustrating and incomplete, and she was only now finding out that fragments of her life had been stolen away.
"Tell me what happened the night you hit me with your powers as children. What were we doing? How did it happen? Where do the trolls fit in? Why was the solution to cut me out of a family secret?" She paused her outpouring of questions, aware that too many would be overwhelming.
Elsa looked into Anna's face and saw hurt. She knew that deep down Anna was probably relieved to learn she was justified in feeling so forgotten all these years, but all of that was masked by hurt. Elsa searched her eyes and in them she saw a mirror of herself. She was not alone, and Anna deserved the truth. She steadied herself and took a deep breath, holding it close before letting it go. Where should she begin?