Reason 3: Shelby
This time the silence was not as stretching. It was short and fearful. I looked around the room watching as we all held our breath, awaiting the next charge. We were like guilty criminals hoping the jury would prove us wrong.
I was always proud of my two fathers. They were happy. They had a career. They had everything I could only dream. I was accepted in my house. My fathers adore me and do everything they can to help me reach my goals.
I can tell them everything but there are times I wish I had a mother. Sometimes I feel like I need a woman in my life who can help guide me because she has been there. As much as I love my fathers there are things they can't relate too.
When I was younger we did crafts at school. I really enjoyed doing them but then mother's day would come. I didn't have a mother. While all the other kids were off doing things like cards or bead necklaces I was doing nothing. I guess it was not so bad until other children began to notice.
They noticed I didn't have a mother but I did have two parents. Two dads. Yet no one ever offered to give me girl advice. I had to learn everything with books. Do you know how awkward it is to get your first period without knowing what you are going to do? How uncomfortable it is to tell two men that you need female hygiene products? Well you can imagine how awkward that went.
But I learned to cope. Until I found out I had a real mom. Kind of ironic that she was the coach for Vocal Adrenaline, huh? She was coaching the team that represented my dream. She has a beautiful voice. We sang together, right here in the auditorium. It was after she told me she could not be my mother.
She said that she gave me up because she wanted to go to Broadway, she wanted to accomplish her dream. She was not allowed to see me but her curiosity proved to be too much. She gave Jesse St. James the task of befriending me. Then he slipped in a tape that introduced me to her voice.
She wanted to so desperately meet me. Until she saw who I was. It must have been like a Christmas of birthday package. It looks so beautiful in the wrapping but you open it up and it turns out to be one of those gifts you see at a drug store.
She gave me up again. I accepted her reason, after all I too want to be a star. I knew she was not ready for a daughter. I knew she was not ready for me.
When Quinn gave birth I was the one who stayed behind. I told Shelby about the unwanted baby. I thought she would tell Quinn it was a mistake. I thought she would tell Quinn she would regret it. What a surprise when she adopted Beth. Beth, the biological daughter of the girl who made my life hell.
Once again I was not enough. I was too much of everything for Shelby to accept me. I was not a clean slate. I was not a naïve child. I was not Beth. If Quinn stile my chance and Finn took my reputation then Shelby took away my distinctiveness.
A mother loves their child, despite of their faults. She tells her child that they are wonderful and the world will one day appreciate them. She promises them that they are unique and they could never be replaced in her heart. I know that is not always true but I thought that it could have been. But then you showed me that motherhood is a lie.
If the person who was to love despite it all gave up on me then why should I believe that the world will love me? You gave me up and replaced me with a shiny new version that you could mold to your tastes.
Grotesque. Unlovable. Replaceable.
These are the only words I had left to define me. The only words that mattered.
Shock. Beth was now part of Rachel's family. Well you can't say fate doesn't have a twisted sense of humor.