Reason Twelve: Finn
I could feel Finn's stare. It was gawky but all accusing. I never wanted my feelings to be showed to the world. I do have a reputation I like to keep, but it was something I never expected. In fact it was something I never thought possible. Before I could dwell on my thought Rachel's voice filled the room.
It feels like cheating but this is the way the story goes. Finn you must really be special since you are reason number twelve.
When I saw your face after Santana told me the truth my vision blurred. I kept on thinking that it could never be true. Not Finn. Not the person I loved. Not the one. But it was. I never thought pain from the heart could be felt in a physical sense until I met you.
My lungs collapsed. My eyes burned. My throat swelled. All physical for something emotional. To realize that the man in front you is not the person you believe is aching.
You hurt me that day.
I can never find the words to express that feeling, the feeling of hurt. Hurt sounds so simple. How could it possibly encompass the extent of what I felt? Upset is not strong enough. How can it show the damage you caused and the force it brought? Harm implies a blow. How could I use a physical word to explain something so emotional?
There is a word in the Japanese language that
That is what I felt at that moment. I felt used. I felt tainted. I felt unloved.
In Japanese the word "Intrasigence" is used to describe an emotion of such deep hate that you would rather remove them off the planet. That is what I felt that second. I wanted to remove the thing that caused me so much pain. The thing that had damaged me. The thing that betrayed.
You didn't just break my heart. You shattered it. You shattered it so well it seemed impossible to pick up the pieces.
But I forgave you. I forgave you because it is the thing I always do. It is the thing I only know of. So when I told you of my actions I thought you would understand. I thought you would grant me the same gesture. I thought you could forgive.
All I wanted was to be loved but all you did was give me despair. To be loved is the ultimate goal of a star. Guess I failed that, didn't I?
You broke up with me. I hurt you and you broke up with. But how many times have you hurt me? And how many times did I forgive you?
After you left me at the hallway I thought the world was over. Surely such pain could only mean death. But the world is cruel and it made me move on. I thought we still had a chance. You didn't really give a closure. You just ran away. Again.
When the rest of the club was busy helping Brittany I was left with my misery. I fought back. I did the typical Rachel Berry thing. I tried to win you back. I tried so hard because it was the only thing I knew how to do.
It was not until you left me at the tree pen that I realized you could never love me. At least not to the same degree that I loved you. That was a realization that took my breath away. The man I thought I loved did not love me. We could never be equals. One of use would always lead and the other would follow. I cried in a field of trees that night.
I cried like a child. My face was red and covered with snot. My hair has messy. My voice was scratchy. But I did not care. Just like you didn't care. Just like New Directions did care. Just like nobody cares.
One more. One more. One more. That is all I thought after Rachel stopped crying after her tears stopped falling. Finn is my best friend but at this moment I hated him. Maybe as much as Rachel hated us.
A/N- One more chapter to go! Thank you everyone who has alerted the story and placed it as their favorite. A special thanks to:
kaycedilla2011 and zodiac dragonHatori for their reviews. I'm glad you have all enjoyed the story so far.