After the destruction of Vulcan, it was a different world. Fear was rampant. Nerves were frayed. Transmissions and songs and store windows carried the message to "stay calm and carry on", but no one did. They panicked.
It was a different universe. The loss of Vulcan had left the Federation with big shoes to fill. They went empty. No one could bring two sides of a debate to an agreement like the Vulcans. No one trusted humans the way they had trusted the Vulcans. No one trusted anyone.
The old allegations that the Federation put human interests first came back with a vengeance. Planets started threatening to leave. They started demanding special representation. And while the Federation was tied up with internal issues, the Klingons and the Romulans did what they always did during times of uncertainty. They reinforced their borders. They annexed. They sent masses of refugees hurrying toward the Federation.
It was a different Enterprise. The enthusiasm and excitement of exploring the universe was lost. It was replaced by a grim sense of reality. That they alone, of their classmates had survived the Academy. That they had already seen more destruction than most people saw in their lifetimes. That the future was vast and dangerous and unknowable.
For Spock, the first few days back on the Enterprise were the worst. Being on the ship brought back all the memories. The first time Spock stepped into the transporter bay, he thought having been beamed back and realizing that his mother had fallen. Once, on the bridge, he thought he saw Nero's face on the Comm. before realizing that it was another Romulan and shuddered.
"It's okay," Nyota whispered into his ear in her quarters after their shift. She always seemed to notice when something bothered him. She brushed one hand though his hair, and kissed him, and it distracted him, made him feel better. And he hated that it made him feel better, that there had been, there still was so much suffering, and that she was all it took to temporarily relieve him of it.
But he was in love with her. It was something that he couldn't deny, not after what had happened on the Narada, not after what had happened afterwards. And when he was with her, the world dissolved. He hated that when he was with her, he found it hard to care about anything else. And he hated how after everything that happened, he thought that he might finally be happy.
Sometimes, Spock would try to tell Nyota how he felt, but he couldn't. His throat went dry. His voice creaked. In frustration, he tried to show her in other ways. He wrote her notes that sounded dry and scattered and strange even when he read them back to himself. He showed up at her door with gifts.
"You don't have to do these things, you know" Nyota would always say, looking at him sadly. And sometimes, he thought she might understand. How the candle was burning the candle from both ends, on one side with the shame of having fallen prey to his emotions, and on the other, the shame of being so bad at it.
Some days, he woke up wanting to purge himself of all of it. He would awake with a start, suddenly realizing that he was doing something terribly wrong, that he had forsaken everything be believed in, that he had to correct himself. It would be a few minutes before Spock reminded himself that he had already thought about this, and decided to go against the Vulcan way, and that just because you went against one thing you believed in, it didn't mean you had to go against everything. Spock began to understand his father, remembering how he would sometimes get into moods and withdraw from the family for days at a time. Spock had always known that going against your beliefs was a hard decision to make, but now he knew it was also hard on a day to day level.
And beside that was the fear that no matter what he did, it wouldn't be enough. Regardless of what Nyota said, the fear always lingered. People were already wondering what she saw in him. Through his extra-sensitive he could hear people speculating at distant tables in the mess hall. Maybe his family was rich. Or he was different in private. Or he was an excellent lover. Or maybe there were things that you could just never figure out.
Spock mentioned this in quiet tones, but Nyota just laughed,
"Well, I don't understand why they all fawn over Kirk!"
And then she'd gone quiet, because they usually tried not to talk about the bridge when they were together. For a while, Spock managed to convince himself that she was right, and was worrying about nothing, until one night his fears culminated and she didn't want to see him.
"I'm sorry, I'm busy, I'm just not up to seeing you," she whispered when he came to the door. There were bags under her eyes and she looked distraught.
The next night she wasn't there, and for the rest of the week, he only saw her on the bridge, and a couple of times in the distance. She seemed to be trying to avoid him.
Spock slept fitfully that week. On one hand, he had been expecting this, but on the other hand it was all so unexpected. He didn't know what he was going to do without Nyota. It was difficult to even think about.
It was a few days before his sadness turned to rage. He'd asked her, and Nyota had told him that he had nothing to worry about so many times. How could she have lied to him? How could she have just abandoned him without saying anything?
"How could you do this?" he demanded, barging into her quarters, more harshly than he intended.
She stared up at him slowly, confused and bleary-eyed.
"Why have you been avoiding me?" he went on, once it was clear that she wasn't going to answer.
She stared at him, her eyes blank, like glass before she lowered her head again, troubled and gazed into her lap.
"Spock," she whispered finally, "I'm pregnant."
It was a strange moment as her eyes moved across the room, looking for a sign of a reaction, which of course he didn't give. After a few seconds, Spock stepped towards her, and she stood up and scuttled into his arms.
"I'm so sorry," she breathed, crying slightly, "I didn't mean to, I was so stupid!"
Spock held her more closely, letting the tears fall across his chest, stroking her hair gently.
"I don't know what I'm going to do," she whispered finally, after her tears dried.
And she didn't. She agonized. One day she was going to keep the baby, and the next day she was going to get an abortion, and the next day she was going to put it up for adoption.
"What do you think?" she kept asking, but Spock didn't know what to say either. On one hand, they were supposed to be repopulating New Vulcan, and he thought he might like the idea of starting a family with Nyota. On the other hand, he felt ill-prepared, and what a world to bring a child into. And he thought it would get worse before it got better.
But one day, when he went to check on her, she wasn't shaky like she usually was. She was calm and collected.
"I've decided that I am going to keep the baby and move to a starbase," she announced as soon as he sat down. The finality in her voice made him believe her.
"You can come with me, or stay here, it's up to you," she said after a minute.
He looked at her in surprise, and answered without thinking,
"Of course I will come with you."
The pregnancy was making Nyota emotional. She started crying.
"Oh, Spock," she whimpered, putting her arms around him.
A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. Writer's block, I never thought it would happen to me and then it did :)