Still on Mass Effect 1. Here Therum is the last stop right before Ilos. I always play in that order, but it doesn't really matter anyway. I insist: I'm trying to keep the details as neutral as possible. Including Shepard. Except for the set up of the first chapter: from now on I'll keep him "in character" as much as I can. I feel like each person's view of Shepard is subjective, and I'm ok with that. I just don't like it when it comes to fanfiction, and I'm trying to avoid those tendencies myself.
So it's just Shepard, giving "it" some though. It's sort of a transition chapter.
Shepard raised his hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead. There was no use: he was wearing his sealed helmet, and only when he struck his hand against the visor he realized the futility of the gesture. He was used to the fully sealed armor, but Therum's heat was nearly beyond his limits.
He looked at his gloved hand with frustration, wishing his suit had better insulation. The sweat was right on his eyebrows and could obstruct his sight in any second, and that could be dangerous in that moment. Crouching behind giant rocks, he waited for the programs on his omnitool to load. Nearby, his companions took care of the geth up the cliff. If they kept shooting at that pace, Shepard wouldn't have any targets left to attack.
Hopelessly, his gaze raised towards the figure perched at the highest rock formation. Garrus had found a perfect spot for him and his rifle, and had climbed precariously to get the best angle. From time to time Shepard heard the distinctive geth squeaking, and knew Garrus had taken down another one.
The turian picked up his rifle and jumped towards Shepard seconds before a rocket hit his sniper post, destroying the rocks completely.
Garrus looked at Shepard, though none could see each other's face. Garrus raised vigorously his fist in the air, a sign of victory, and Shepard knew that behind that helmet the turian was probably grinning enthusiastically.
Behind his own mask, he smiled. He felt a tickling and a heat completely unrelated to Therum's atmosphere, and he felt ready to continue. He jumped from behind the rocks, and in a second fried the remaining geth up the cliff. With overheated weapons, the geth were no match for the three armed warriors.
The rough terrain didn't ease their progress, and the stifling heat was no help either. He thought about taking off his helmet, as Therum's atmosphere was breathable, but he preferred safety over comfort. The battle was constantly raising rubble, and while mass effect shields protected him from shrapnel, smoke and other particles were resilient enough to blind him. And even just a second without eyesight could mean the difference between success, and failure.
Shepard wanted to believe he wasn't acting paranoid, that precautions like these were the right behavior for a soldier. But his concerns over safety had increased lately, in ways beyond the habitual precautions of a leader. Climbing up that rocky slope, he remembered the sands of Virmire, and the fresh ocean air on his face. Hurt from the memories of that day, he felt better under Therum's boiling air. Something inside him thought that Virmire was making him unusually careful. Unusual, obsessive. Fearful. If his companions had noticed, none of them had said anything.
He shook his head. Admitting fear wasn't pleasant. He tried to justify himself thinking that feeling no fear at all would be reckless and arrogant.
Choices like the one Shepard had lived through were though, and it had violently made him put his feet on the ground. Barely two weeks ago, he had rescued Zhu's Hope colony on Feros, with astounding success. Shepard always kept his ego in check, but that mission had definitely raised his morale. Just like in the conflict on Noveria, Shepard had emerged triumphant, once again.
And after that, he had been forced to leave a close friend behind.
It had been a sour defeat for Shepard, a violent lesson of humility that had replaced his euphoria and excitement with rage and insecurity.
But Shepard couldn't help being worried. Virmire had thrown him back to the sad reality of his dangerous mission, stripping him of any sense of heroism he had. It had made him reconsider not just the mission, but all things beyond it... Like his complex feelings towards his turian friend. A horrible guilt made him shake whenever he thought about it, and he thought about it very often.
Before that fateful mission, his optimism regarding it had never been particularly high. After it, he felt forced himself to abandon all hope. At first, he'd been thinking about it with a cynical voice, but as days went by, he started to see things under a different light.
Garrus would never be more than a friend, a good friend. Together they would take down Saren and the reapers. An exceptional turian agent, admirable sniper, and talented engineer. Thinking about how well they worked together made him proud, just as thinking about what he couldn't stop feeling made him smile with bitter resignation.
He told himself he didn't care anymore, and tried to accept it naturally. After Virmire, and being so close to getting Saren, Shepard only wanted to have the turian by his side. As friend, as ally. Back to back, fighting the geth and nothing more.
Would have he tried to approach him if they hadn't gone through what happened on Virmire? Shepard wanted to think he wouldn't have, but in the end he knew it wasn't true. And part of him still kept a trace of encouragement, and told him to step forward and tell the turian about his feelings, because in any moment any of them could die.
Just like happened on Virmire. It could happen again, when they least expected it. But what kind of excuse was that to propose to a friend?
It wasn't the right time to fall in love, much less to flirt openly. And in a situation like Shepard and Garrus', it was completely out of place.
Every glance from the turian made his feelings stronger, unavoidable, but also increased his feeling of helplessness. Garrus looked at him with admiration, after all they had been through together. From the initial curiosity and professional respect, Shepard's only comfort was that they had bonded beyond the professional contract.
The mine appeared in the distance behind the rocks, and Shepard picked up the pace. He looked back for a second, only to see his turian companion run gracefully through the rocky field. He smiled warmly for himself, a rare moment of peace where he didn't feel bitterness or guilt for it.
Garrus wouldn't return his feelings under ordinary circumstances, even less in the circumstances they were under. Shepard repeated that to himself, again and again, and felt a strange peace derived from resignation. His common sense told him. After all, what did Shepard know about turian society and that kind of relations? Even if Garrus could consider a relationship like that between them, the present situation guaranteed rejection
It wasn't the right time. It was a critical mission, they had no time for shore leave. If that weren't enough, Shepard felt that initiating a relationship after a friend's death was inappropriate. He couldn't help but feel that it was a mere reaction to pain, fear, and the sense of imminent danger they all felt at that moment.
He was afraid of losing him. He was afraid of losing any of his companions. He was also afraid of dying, and afraid of hearing Garrus being disgusted by his proposition. Mixing ominous fears with frivolous worries made Shepard cringe with guilt, but he couldn't help but feel those fears with equal intensity. Never in his whole life he had faced so many reasons to be scared, and with every steady step he was able to take, he wondered where he was getting his strength from.
A Geth crawler and more geth units were deployed a few meters away from the entrance to the mine. Their steps and power made the ground tremble. A moment before taking cover, Shepard looked straight at the threatening machine. He felt calm, he felt strong, and ready. Behind him, his turian friend moved forward with grace, unholstering his rifle. Right after taking position he turned towards Shepard, and saluted him with a military gesture, executed in an completely relaxed way. And Shepard smiled at that.
Maybe that's were he was getting his strength from. From the turian's mere presence by his side, having someone to call "friend".
Shepard took cover behind the crates, and quickly disabled the tank's terrible weapons. Garrus was taking care of all the crawlers and ghosts that hopped around the battlefield, threatening their mass effect shields with precise and lethal shots.
However, thinking coldly, Shepard realized he had no real reasons to consider his relationship with Garrus any deeper than his relation with the rest of the crew. After all, they were all together in the same mission, but was he bonding with any of them beyond the professional line? Was he any closer to Garrus, or he just wanted to believe that?
A lifeless geth phantom collapsed right next to Shepard, startling him. He looked at Garrus, still with his rifle raised. The turian looked back at him and raised his thumb, nodding.
And, despite not being fond of indulgence or pride, Shepard decided he didn't deserve those doubts. He admitted that a lot of things could be questioned: his feelings, his attraction to him, and every small hint of hope that crossed his mind. However, the only thing he wouldn't allow to be questioned was that Garrus was, in fact, his friend.
He waved at the turian, and together they ran towards the nearest crates. With the smaller geth troopers down, taking down the big machine was just a matter of time. Shepard overloaded it's systems, and it took less than a minute for the machine to blow up in sparks under their gunfire.
The victorious howls of his companions were unexpected, but welcome. The yells and the explosion deafened Shepard for a moment, but they also made him feel triumphant. They were so focused on their mission, that they rarely had the chance to enjoy battle like that. Garrus' enthusiasm, specially, was a rare sigh, but it was becoming more and more usual after each mission. Maybe Garrus was leaving his role as a cop behind. Maybe he was abandoning the calm moderation officers were expected to keep, and he was showing his true warrior nature. After all, every turian had military training. It was in their spirit, and with Garrus' known dislike for a structure like C-sec's it was only natural.
Shepard liked that attitude more every time he noticed, and he was surprised at how much Garrus' happiness meant to him.
The turian even gave him a pat in the shoulder as they ran towards the entrance to the mine. Shepard nodded, gasping for air. They had been running up a extremely abrupt slope for more than forty minutes, under Therum's suffocating heat and geth gunfire. All that physical effort was welcome, cleansing and somewhat cathartic, but still challenging for Shepard.
-Who said we needed heavy artillery to take those things down! -shouted Garrus.
Shepard smiled only for himself, reaching the heavy door.
-It may have come in handy, actually -he replied.
Garrus pulled out his rifle and followed Shepard inside the caves. He had hoped for a lower temperature in the shade, but the heat was just as strong inside the structure. He hoped to find the asari doctor quickly, and get out there fast.
After that last stop, they would be able to reach the conduit before Saren did. However, Shepard's lack of solid information regarding the subject deeply worried him. He talked about his visions with conviction, but as a matter of fact, the visions made him feel uneasy and doubtful. He didn't know what the conduit was, but at least, the prothean images had stopped flowing like a chaotic streams of nightmares.
The doctor would give them answers for that archaic mystery. Focusing on that last chance helped him cope with the visions, but in any case Shepard knew the end was near. They were running out of time to stop Saren... and the reapers.
He heard the asari doctor's voice at the end of the cave, and Shepard felt a renewed hope. When they freed the doctor and finally escaped that boiling planet, Shepard though that, wherever the conduit took them, he hoped it was cooler than Therum.
I'm not entirely happy with the approach I've taken to this. However, I'll run with it, finish it, and try again later with a different approach. Is that alright? I mean: I'm not happy with it, but I just can't leave it hanging. I won't leave this unfinished. I can't.
And there will be dialogue, don't worry :)