12-14-09: Naayyyyyhhhh

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You're Kinda, Sorta, Basically, Pretty Much, Always On My Mind.

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I Don't Own Inuyasha

"Talking"

17. A Devastating Choice

I walked home half asleep. One day at school had burnt all the energy I had from a nights sleep, faster then a whole week in the feudal era. With the tests, piles of homework, exams, and my friends breathing down my neck everywhere I went because of my 'dyed' hair colour, I didn't think I'd ever have time to myself, let alone making it back to Kaede's house by dinner.

"Come on, Kaori! Who is he!?" My friend Yuka urged walked directly behind me. Yuka, who possessed dark brown chin-length hair, is more fiery spirited than my other friends and fortunately.. or unfortunately is not afraid to share her opinions. She was also an instigator of events and can be quite nosey on certain issues. Although all my friend's have the tendency to talk quite a bit, it seems that Yuka pulls rank amongst them with body language alone and she was usually given the vocal stage.

She's more like me in a sense.. which means we don't get along very well.

"Yeah, Kaori who is it!?" Eri agreed coming up on my other side. Eri who traditionally wore a yellow bandanna and had shoulder-length black hair, is a tad milder than Yuka, I guess. She listens to conversations while giving a neutral input, and after getting wrapped up in an issue she'd tend to agree with or even mimic Yuka, which is even more annoying.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" I snapped quickening my pace.

"Oh come on, Kaori!" Yuka sighed, running after me. "We know you wouldn't do something this drastic like dye your hair blue, unless you've got a boyfriend, who urged you into doing something like this... Or, of course, you've gone mental!"

"Well then I've gone mental! You guys know I wouldn't let someone guy pressure me into doing something! Who do you take me for!?" I shouted turning on them. Another of my friends, Ayumi, placed herself beside me and looked back at Yuka and Eri.

"Let it go guys." She said. "We do know Kaori better then this. Maybe she just wanted a change?"

Ayumi had shoulder-length, mild brown highlighted hair which she kept well maintained in a wavy/curly fashion and held back with a black broach at the back of her head. She is the study-bug of our group, who found several subjects easy to grasp while we flounder for a foothold in the same fields. She also seemed a bit more detached from our group, thinking and listening to what everyone has to say, yet despite doing so she seems to wander off of the discussion's line of logic and ends up baffling us. She seems the wisest of the three, and is never pushy which I happen to appreciate very much.

"Yeah! Maybe I just wanted to try something new for a while!" I agreed, resuming my quick paced walk home.

"Okay fine! I can understand that but, then there's the fact that you totally turned down Hojo-kun today!" Yuka said running up beside me. I stopped in mid-step, and looked at her in disgust.

Hojo is a classmate of mine. Apparently he was the smartest student in our school, which combined with his looks resulted in many younger girls lusting after him. He's portrayed as a sweet, albeit naïve young man who completely believes anything someone tells him. He seemed to liked me and has often tried to go out with me, he just wasn't my type. I had always found an excuse not to go out with him. And Yuka, Eri and Ayumi seemed to have overlooked that fact until recently.

"I always reject Hojo though." I replied, walking backwards to face them.

"Yes, but why Kaori-chan?" Eri asked. "He's the most desirable guy, and you're the most desirable girl-"

"I am not!" I shouted, interrupting her. My face burned in embarrassment. What she said didn't make sense. I wasn't that great.

"You are too!" She replied. "You're pretty-"

"But, I'm clumsy and dense and I do stupid, reckless things and-"

"Those are all redeeming qualities." Yuka said, interrupting me. "Well the clumsiness is anyway, and the denseness makes you cuter, and the recklessness makes you fun."

"More like it makes me a burden.." I muttered. Inuyasha's image flashed in my mind.

"Just face it. You're the most popular, and desirable girl in the school, and you're supposed to go out with Hojo-kun because that's the way things are supposed to be!" Eri snapped.

"But Hojo is so blah!" I whined. "I don't date people with blah personalities. So what ever this 'supposed to be thing', you have going, will never be, end of story, good-nigh-"

I bumped into something. Another person by the feel of it. I turned my head to apologize, but the scene before me winded me. Inuyasha was standing behind me, glaring at me murderously.

"Damn you.. Who ever said you could go home whenever you feel like it?" He growled. He was wearing something from my time. He wore lose faded black jeans, and a dark red collared vest, unbuttoned, and a slightly over sized grey plaid collars shirt with only two buttons done up, over a white t-shirt. A dark red bandanna tied his hair back and covered his ears, and worn in sneakers were on his feet.

Everything was a size to big, for they were my 'fathers', but they did look good on him..

"Um.. Why are you wearing my dad's clothes?" I asked, in a hushed voice.

"I don't know the woman living at the shrine gave them to me.. She said it wouldn't make me stand out so much.. Why?" He answered, his anger suddenly fading away. It was sad as to how easily distracted he was.

"Oh no reason.. But why the hell are you here!?" I shouted. He looked taken back at my sudden anger, but bounced back almost immediately.

"To bring you back of course stupid! You can't just go home when ever you want!" He shouted.

"I told Kaede where I was going and she was okay with that!"

"Yeah, well you didn't ask me!"

"You wouldn't have let me!"

"Exactly! So why are you here!?"

We stood growling at each other for a good few minutes, until Yuka's voice broke through the silence. "Who is he?"

I looked around. The both of us drawing a crowd. A silver long haired boy with anger management problems, and a girl with aqua coloured shin length hair, who wore her school uniform messily as most troublemakers did, would obviously attract a crowd. I spotted a group of girls from my school a few feet away, ogling the silver haired hanyou.

I growled at them and grabbed onto his sleeve and ran from the crowd. Yuka was about to bombard me with questions, and the fan girls Inuyasha was already attracting were getting on my nerves. I'd clear the situation with Yuka, Eri and Ayumi later but right now I needed to find a place where there's be no witnesses, when I kill Inuyasha.

But when it started to rain. My anger disappeared along with the sun. The dark ominous clouds loomed over head, and the harsh winds whipped my hair in every direction and whispered fears into my ears. Thunder Storm. There wasn't a sign of the bright sunny day which had been my vacation a few moments ago.

There was a reason as to why I was scared of thunder storms. I wasn't one of those girls who were afraid of something for nothing.. I always had a reason. But this reason had also added to the millions of reasons why I had loved Inuyasha so much when I was a child.

It had been when I was four in a half. Around the same time when Inuyasha had started to hang around by the village, not to attack it but to watch my sister from afar. The day had started out like any other. Bright, sunny, a normal day for me. Following Kikyou on her expeditions to fight any youkai that came after the jewel, helping her with the chores.. It was a day that I had been anxious, I hadn't seen Inuyasha yet.

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"Onee-sama!" I called, running from the other children. Their games were fun, but my sister's skills I found more interesting. I had to learn to fend for myself while I was human.. at least until I became part youkai, then it wouldn't matter anymore.

I latched onto her leg, preventing her from taking another step. I was too small to place myself in front of an adult. If I did then I'd get squashed. I was short, small, and weak for my age.. or at least thats what the adults had said when they thought I was asleep. They feared that soon, because I was so physically weak, one day I might die from a simple illness.

Another reason to become part youkai.. Youkai's are not weak and do not die from simple illnesses.

They also said that one day, my curiosity would get the better of me and I'll walk right into the clutches of a monster youkai. I didn't believe that could happen. Inuyasha-onii-chan was always around to protect me, so even if I did get close to a youkai's lair, then I wouldn't be in any kind of danger.

Inuyasha-onii-chan felt that watching me was something he had been forced to do, or that's what he says. But really, he had taken it upon his self to do it. Nobody had asked him to.. as far as I know. I would get upset though, even though I loved him so, when he complained about babysitting me.. whatever that meant.

But I had been brought up to keep my mouth shut, although that was a skill that was slowly fading away with time. So instead of voicing my thoughts to him, I'd complain about it to Onee-sama. She's laugh when I'd finish and put something away; laundry or a pot.. She was always doing something when I came to her.. And then she'd say I should be grateful to have someone like Inuyasha-onii-chan in the first place. Then she'd gaze absent mindlessly out the window, in her own little world.

It wasn't as if I wasn't grateful or anything, but.. I could see though him easily. If he really didn't want to watch me and play with me, then he wouldn't. Onii-chan wasn't they type of person that would do something because someone told him to. I could see that he was lying.. another skill that was fading away with time.. and that he really did like to.

"Ah, Kaori.."My sister said, prying my small hands from her leg. I smiled up at her and ran ahead searching the roof tops for Onii-chan. He wasn't up there.

I felt strangely confused and somehow deflated once I had realized he wasn't anywhere to be seen. I stumbled back a few steps, and looked up at Onee-sama questioningly. It was weird for him not to be here or wherever onee-sama was.. It just wasn't natural.

"Where's Inuyasha, onee-sama?" I asked, walking ahead of her. I sniffed the air the way he did, wondering if that would tell me where he was.. It didn't. I only smelt the earthy scent of our village, and the cool crisp air that meant rain.

I let out an angry sigh at my lack of skills. Again another reason to become part youkai. I could use scents to track people down.

My sister sighed and pulled a piece of grass from my hair. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere, Kaori.."

"Do you think he might be in the meadow..?" I wondered, only half paying attention.

"Maybe.." She answered. I felt hope fill my system and I ran ahead.

"I'll go get him!" I shouted over my shoulder. I ran all the way to the meadow. My meadow.. The pale green grass almost reached my waist and it slowed my sprint to the middle.

I looked around, expecting to see something red amongst the vast greenness. But there was nothing. Nii-chan wasn't here. I looked at my feet in disappointment. Of course he wouldn't be here.. and there could be many different places for him to be but..

I heard a rustle of leaves in the trees above. My head snapped up toward the noise."Inuyasha!?"

The noise didn't answer. The noise moved behind me. I whipped around and ran after it, deeper and deeper into the forest. I didn't understand the situation. Inuyasha-onii-chan should have answered me. Maybe this was a new game!?

I stopped running and looked around. I was in the forest. In a part forbidden to children. Shadows stole any recondition from this place. Every direction was dark and still. The trees stared at me with mean faces. I was a stranger here..

A growl emitted from the darkness. I stumbled back, my breathing quick and ragged. Something bumped into my knees and I tripped backwards into the mud. A loud crack sounded though the blackness.

I had tripped over a sapling, breaking it as I fell on top of the tiny tree. Suddenly the tree's evil faces became angry. I leapt to my feet and ran from them. Branches scratched at my face and roots tripped and bruised me. The tree's were upset at me now.

Another growl. I stopped running and looked around, searching for the source of the noise. Still nothing.. A drop of water fell onto my face, and I looked up into the sky.

Dark ominous clouds loomed over head. More drops of rain landed on my face and I blinked in surprise. Another growl. I slowly turned my head toward the noise as the rain fell harder from the clouds.

Lightning flashed. It had been only for a second, but I saw it. The sickly pale face of the thing that had been following me. I stumbled back, shaking with fear. The thunder crashed as the youkai growled and lunged toward me.

I whipped around and ran, scared for my life. The villagers were right. My curiosity had gotten the better of me and it lead me right into the hands of a youkai. The lighting crashed and the thunder rolled across the clouds making this terrifying experience even that much worse.

I tripped on a root, and I came crashing down into the mud. A growl of pleasure. I rolled onto my back, staring horrified into the face of a man. But it wasn't just a man. He had long raven hair, and crimson eyes. His fangs peaked out from his mouth, and his claws were inches from me.

The wind howled, as the lightning flashed once more. I whimpered in fear. The youkai lunged forward, and I shut my eyes as thunder crashed.

"Kaori! Sankon Testusou!"

I heard the youkai howl in pain and then someone lifted me from the muddy ground. I opened my eyes, still trembling and stared up at Nii-chan.

"Are you okay!?" He demanded. I just stared at him, still frozen with fear. A lump formed at the back of my throat as I registered the fear that had been pumping though my veins all this time. My breathing speed and tears overflowed my eyes.

"Inuyasha-onii-chan..!"

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I felt a tug on my arm, and I snapped from my thoughts. Inuyasha had pulled me toward a shop and was now staring into the window. It was the McDonalds were Yuka worked after school. I didn't want to be seen with this guy in a place where my friends might be. It would be too 'suspicious'.

But the thunder rolling over head and my stomach groaning in protest changed my mind.

"Okay lets go." I said pulling him though the door. He resisted and pulled his arm from my grasp.

"What the hell are you talking about, I don't wanna go in there!" He snapped.

I sighed and stared at him. "Oh come on! You were just staring into the window with eyes full of greed and you were practically drooling. You're hungry and so am I so shut up and lets go!"

He growled in response but followed me in anyway. He seemed to deflate once we got in and the smell of the food hit our noses. It did smell good. I told him to find a place to sit while I ordered the food. It wasn't until I had gotten to the counter that I realized I had no idea what he liked.. or what we could even eat.

I wanted to go back and ask but then I'd lose my place and have to wait in the line again. The cashier scowled and stared at me disapprovingly as she looked over my appearance. She looked to be about 18 and hating her job. I smirked and just ordered things that I knew Souta would like. If Inuyasha didn't like it then Souta would probably eat it.. or maybe the cat would.

The girl handed me the food, her voice full of acid and watched me sit down at the table where Inuyasha sat anxiously. Her expression changed to surprise, then she glared at me. I smirked back and pushed the burgers toward Inuyasha.

"What the hell is this shit!?" He asked looking over the burger.

I sighed and popped a fry into my mouth. "It's the only thing they have. If you don't like it I'll make something when we get home."

He growled but ate it anyway.

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I sat in the tall grass staring up at the night sky. I was back in the past, and unlike the present, the night was clear and calm, the crickets singing their midnight song in the background. Inuyasha hadn't come with me.. I had crossed over while Souta had dragged him across town with the rest of the family. I was grateful for that though. I needed time to think. The happy mood I had been in earlier had just been a mask to hide the pain I was really in.

Me being a hanyou was a bother to everyone. Either that or no one cared whether or not I was different. I wasn't being recognized as something far more superior, stronger, more specular then before. I was just being cast as a troublesome creature, maybe a wannabe, something that shouldn't be encouraged anymore that I already had.

Kaede didn't treat me different. Shippo didn't either. Meoga saw me as a new kind of armour. I was a bother to Inuyasha.

Maybe Sesshoumaru had been right. Maybe.. maybe Inuyasha had wanted me to stay weak, fragile.. as a pathetic human girl. Maybe I was just another freak to him.. something that he didn't want to bother with.. but he was forced to bother with me for I was Kikyou's little sister.. and now that she was alive again.. there was no way he could just dump me somewhere.

I wore raven black miko pants, that hung from my waist and a white kimono top that showed my stomach. The sleeves were large and belled with black thread trimming the ends. The grass tickled my naked feet, and my hair was let out falling in slight curls around my body. My transforming katanas were at either of my hips and the jewel shard hung safely around my neck. The cold wind tickled my ears and carried scents of wild flowers, dinner, youkai, and nature.

If I stayed here.. then Inuyasha would never let me fight. He'd never let me be a hanyou. He would continue to force me back into a human state until my confidence was crushed and I stopped resisting. The.. only way for me to be myself.. was if I left.

"Kaori?"

I looked up to see Inuyasha standing beside me, watching me with curiosity in his eyes. I looked across the meadow and he crouched down beside me. Minutes passed and we didn't speak. He sensed something was wrong.. I knew it. I was silently fighting the guilt as I prepared myself for the confession.

"What the hell is your problem!?" He shouted, his voice shattering the silence. "You left without m-"

I slowly took off the silver chain that held the Shikon shards and shoved them into his hands. "You keep those.." I mumbled, getting to my feet.

"Kaori.. what the hell is going on..?!" He demanded, on the outside he sounded angry and surprised.. but on the inside it sounded like worry.

"I don't need them.." I replied, ignoring his question. I was still mentally preparing myself for the hurt and pain I would cause everyone.. or maybe I wouldn't leave everyone with pain.. maybe they'd be happy. "Collect the shikon shards and use them to become a youkai.. that was what you wanted them for wasn't it..?"

I turned to walk away.. hating all of them for hurting me this way.

"W-where are you going!?" He shouted.

"Away.." I answered, monotonously continuing toward the forest. Suddenly he was in front of me, blocking my path.

"Okay what the hell is your problem!?" He demanded.

I felt anger and hatred boiling up in the pit of my stomach. "My problem is you and the whole world!!" I shouted. He looked taken back. "No matter what I do! No matter how much I trained and changed! It still is never enough to please you! It's never good enough! I'm always a stupid human to you, and no matter now much more I'll try I'll still always be like that to you and to everyone else!!" I shouted, tears escaping, and running down my face.

"So you know what!? I'm sick of trying and I'm sick of you!" I shouted. "Keep the fucking jewel shards, I don't want them! Go wish to be youkai or something it doesn't matter.. You wouldn't let me fight. So now I'm leaving. Don't get in my way and don't come looking for me!"

I turned and ran from the meadow. Tears streaked down my face, but I didn't look back. This was the only way for me to be a real hanyou. I'm sorry Inuyasha.. but this was the only way that I can learn to protect myself and get the happiness I deserve because.. you were.. you were taking that from me.

End Of Chapter 17

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