01-11-10: Hmm.. I've always wondered if I should have just put a whole chapter or two between the last one and this one of just Kaori on her own.. but.. Nah. Enjoy!

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You're Kinda, Sorta, Basically, Pretty Much, Always On My Mind.

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I Don't Own Inuyasha

"Talking"

18. Emotionless

I stared blankly at the youkai before me. It was large, quick, agile but also just another over sized bug. A spider youkai.. boring things they were.. they didn't have much to offer and they didn't put up much of a fight either. And yet.. here I was, picking a fight with something that found me uninteresting.

Nothing picked a fight with me anymore.. I always beat them to it. It was the only thing that kept me entertained.. although the joy of destroying something as weak as this had faded many days ago.

I didn't mind. I didn't care. I wasn't happy with my life before.. at least now I could handle this. My instincts now controlled my every move.. my every thought and emotion. I ate when hungry. Slept when tired. I killed when angry, and aggressive. I was free to do what I want.. when I want. Nobody to answer to. Nobody to ask for permission..

The youkai noticed me, and I lunged into an attack, killing the insect before it had realized I had stepped forward. Boring. There was no challenge.. no real fight. Just endless brutal murderers of stupid bug demons.

It had been a little over a month since that day. A month of solitude.. a month of wondering.. a month of painful lingering feelings. An invisible hole in my chest had appeared on the day I left, and it had me feeling pained and empty. The pain had become worse on the night of the full moon.. my night to become human.

I had spent that night hidden from the world. Battling the guilt, the loneliness, the pain until sunrise. I hadn't realized how much emotions controlled the human body until that night. It had been hard to think when guilt came and forced me to re-think about my actions. It was hard to make a decision when your being pulling in two different directions..

I found a hot spring moments later, changed into my bathing suit and glided into the water. This is the life I had chosen. This was what I had given up everything else for.. but then.. why wasn't I happy?

"Kaori-sama! Kaori-sama!"

I slowly turned my head toward the voice coming from the rock beside me. "Meoga-Jiji..." My voice sounded dull and lifeless even to me. I had been trying to keep him from noticing how much I was hurting for I knew he still went to see Inuy.. him. I didn't want to drag Meoga into my problems either. I for one value our friendship.

"Good evening, Kaori-sama." Meoga replied, sitting cross-legged on the rock. I washed my hair as I waited for him to speak. "Kaori-sama...I know that this doesn't concern me but.. I think you should go back."

I lifted my head from the water, and stared at him blankly. I wasn't quite sure what he meant.. most of the time I had been unaware that we were having a conversation until he said something strange like this and I wondered if that was one of those times.

"Go back where..?" I mumbled, confused.

"Go back home to Inuyasha-sa-" I glowered at him, the heat almost reaching my face. He knew how I felt about this.. He was well aware that this topic was forbidden.

"I'm not going back." I said in a low monotone. I hadn't been fooling him, he had seen my pain. "What would I be proving if I did?"

"What are you proving now, not going back!?" His assertiveness shocked me. This was the cowardly flea that ran from everything and everyone dangerous wasn't it? "It's sad to watch, Kaori-sama. You don't do anything."

"What!? Would you like me to go attack villages and go on rampant and shout from the top of my lungs how stupid Inuyasha is!?" I grimaced once the sting of the name hit. I had been careful not to speak or think their names...but it was hard.

"No!" He replied. "But if you were doing that then you'd be doing something.. instead of the mindless slaughter of weak youkai.. your just lifeless."

"I'm not.." I growled sinking deeper into the hot water.

"Well haven't you thought about how this affected Inuyash-"

I growled and got out of the hot spring quickly throwing my kimono over my wet bathing suite. "You know...one thing I've found out about being a hanyou is that, everyone is against you.. and nobody cares."

He didn't understand. I couldn't go back. I've done the worst thing someone could do. I've already hurt everyone that I had cared for...I didn't have to courage to face them anymore.

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"Ugh.. Why did we have to travel this.. way..?" Shippo groaned leaning over the side of the boat.

"Shut up!" Inuyasha snapped. "Don't you think it's strange for a youkai to be getting sea-sick!?"

"Oh yeah well.. Don't you think it's strange for Kaori to leave on the same day that you went to get he-"

Inuyasha punched Shippo on the head and jumped to the front of the boat, his back to them. Kaede sighed and gazed at the depressed hanyou. "I think ye went a bit to far with that one, Shippo.."

"Sorry, Inuyasha." Shippo said timidly, but Inuyasha didn't answer. Shippo groaned and leaned father off the boat, his stomach turning with every wave.

Kaede had forced Inuyasha to take her with her, but only for the trip. She had claimed that she needed to go to a neighbouring village for someone had called for her to save her sickly daughter. This story was true but it wasn't the reason why she had wanted to join them. She knew her sister well and she knew the places she would go. Kaede wouldn't try and bring her sister back if they found her...but she at least wanted to talk, so she could understand the reason why she had left.

Inuyasha hadn't told them the situation, so Meoga had informed them. But there was only so much a bystander could tell, so most of the story had been left out.

But she did know, even though that he wouldn't admit it, Inuyasha was depressed for the young girl had left because of him. They didn't know what he had done, but they knew by Inuyasha's mood that it was something horrible, and that it had hurt Kaori very much.

"Kaede-sama! Shippo!" Meoga landed silently on the miko's shoulder gasping for air.

"What is it Meoga?" Shippo asked groggily lifting his head slightly. Meoga looked at the son of his lord and then back to the two curious people. Inuyasha would be upset if he heard that Meoga knew where Kaori resided, and would demand to let him know...But... the young girl wasn't ready for reconciliation.

But it was lucky for him that someone had mentioned Kaori before he came, for Inuyasha was staring up at the sky unseeing and deaf, like he usually did when the girl was talked about.

"All I will say is that she is close by.. I would tell you more if it wasn't for Inuyasha-sama being so close.. in case he might hear."

A few moments later Kaede was dropped off at the village, with a promise that they'd come to get her tomorrow. Kaede sighed as she watched them jump back onto the boat. She missed her sister.. and she knew everyone else did as well.

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"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S GONE!?"

"I MEANT WHAT I SAID, FLEA BAG!!"

"Excuse me.. that's quite offencive to us fleas.."

"SHUT UP MEOGA-JIIJI!"

"I can't believe I still hang around with you people!"

"Don't worry Meoga.. I think he means he's sorry."

"NO I DON'T!"

Inuyasha, and Koga stood on the dirt road growling at each other. Koga had just recently found out that Kaori had disappeared, and obviously he was extremely irritated. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HER LEAVE! AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GO LOOKING FOR HER!"

"I THOUGHT SHE'S GO RUNNING OFF TO YOU!" Inuyasha shouted. "WHICH IS OBVIOUS THAT SHE DIDN'T! SO WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK FOR HER AND ASK HER WHY THE HELL SHE LEFT!?"

Koga scowled at the man who had let his girl get away, then ran off into the forest. He would find her first, he vowed. He'd find her and get her back, she was hurting he knew it and he'd be the one to comfort her.

Inuyasha watched him go, and stared at his hands in disgust. He hadn't been looking for her.. He hadn't tried to make her change her mind.. he had just let her go. He had been taking her for granted, thinking that no matter what she'd suck it up and continue like nothing was wrong like she usually did. He'd never thought he'd push her until she'd break.

He had never meant to make her cry every time she did. But he still had always yelled at her, used words that he knew would hurt her the most. He didn't know why he did it.. but he did, and now she was gone because of it.

A shrill scream shattered the silence and Inuyasha looked up. A girl was running from a youkai up the road. His heart lurched at the similarities to this human girl to the human Kaori.

This girl had dark brown hair.. tied back into a pony-tail and her eyes were wide and scared. She looked like Kaori from afar...but it wasn't her. The eyes weren't green and Kaori wasn't human anymore. The girl tripped and the youkai rose to attack her.. but then it froze. It looked up toward Inuyasha, then disappeared into the surrounding trees.

"Are you alright!?" Shippo shouted, running toward the girl.

"Yes.." She gasped, picking herself off the ground. She stared at Shippo for a moment and her eyes narrowed. "You're a youkai." She hissed. Shippo shrunk back frightened by her cold gaze.

"Don't worry.. we won't do any harm." Meoga said from Inuyasha shoulder. The girl stared at Inuyasha for a second, then growled and got to her feet.

"I hate things like youkai!" She snapped. She was defiantly not Kaori. The girl went to leave but hesitated and clenched her hands together "But.. You did scare that spider-head away.. and master says I have to find someone to.." She glanced over her shoulder, scowling. "I need someone to help rid my home from youkai."

"Well forget about it!" Inuyasha shouted.

"Inuyasha-sama!" Meoga whispered furiously into his ear. "I know you don't want to be around civilization on this particular night but why don't you just kill the youkai before sundown and then you'll have a safe place to rest while your hu-"

"Fine!" Inuyasha snapped, turning back around. "But don't say another word about that!"

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"Oshou-sama!" The girl called. They had reached a large shrine that was hidden from the world by large Sakura trees. "I've found some people to help rid the shrine from the spider-heads!"

A small, bald, old man walked up to them, wearing dark blue priest robes. "Well done Nazuna.. This man can help the girl I had found wandering the forest."

"You've found someone already?" The girl asked slightly disappointed.

"Yes, I have. This girl had offered to help, but it seems as though she's having some kind of internal struggle. She'll stay here until she'd better." The monk said.

Suddenly the sweet scent of sakura, roses, honey, strawberries, and the ocean floated across the shrine. Inuyasha looked behind the old man and into he grounds of the shrine, and suppressed a gasp.

A girl walked across the grounds staring straight ahead, holding a wooden bucket in her hands full of crystal clear water. The wind blew her silky neon blue locks out behind her. And her two onyx inu ears pointed back from the cold rushing air. Her long black fluffy tail with a snowy tip fell limply behind her.

"Kaori!" Shippo shouted, jumping off Inuyasha's shoulder to run toward the girl. She stopped, and slowly turned her gaze on the boy. Shippo came to a halt at her feet and stared up at her confused. "Kaori?"

She looked up at Inuyasha, and then he realized why Shippo had been so confused. Her once wide sparkling aquamarine eyes, had become clouded, dull, full of sadness and the loneliness of a months solitude. Her face was expressionless and cold, as she gazed toward him. She stared at him for a moment, blinked, then turned her head forward and resumed her pace.

"Kaori?" Shippo squeaked, watching her go.

"Don't take it to heart Shippo." Meoga said, jumping down from Inuyasha's shoulder. "She hasn't been herself since she's left.."

Inuyasha looked up at the emotionless shell of what used to be the care-free girl from his past. "Kaori.."

End Of Chapter 18

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