Chapter Nine
Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
When dawn broke through the hospital windows, Tony walked into his daughters room. Rhia was still asleep, as was her mother, who was fast asleep in a chair beside the crib. He took a moment to watch his wife sleeping, noting the truly exhausted expression on her face. Even while he was watching her, her stomach rumbled loudly, and he frowned. When was the last time she ate? He knew that Gibbs had forced the sandwich down him yesterday, but he couldn't even remember the last time he saw Ziva eat anything. He brushed the hair away from her face, and leaned in to whisper to her, resting his weight on the arms of the chair.
"Ziva...Ziva, wake up."
"Hmm..." she whispered as he eyes opened.
"It's morning," he told her.
Her head snapped towards Rhia's crib. "Did she wake up?"
"No," Tony said, watching her face fall. "You were awake until three this morning."
She sighed, running her hand over her brow. "I was so sure that she would wake up, but-"
She broke off, sighing heavily again. Tony was silent, he knew that the doctors were expressing concern because, while Rhia was out of her coma, she still hadn't woken up. She would move, she would occasionally make a sound, but her eyes wouldn't open. Unfortunately, they were unable to test her for any damage until she had woken up, because they needed to be sure the antidote had been received fully before they unhooked her from the IV to take her for any scans. She was much smaller than her brother, with a weaker immune system, and she may not have been able to stand the effects of the toxin.
"Come on," he whispered. "You need to eat something, have some breakfast."
She shook her head, settling further in the chair. "I am not hungry."
"Don't lie to me, sweet cheeks," he told her. "I heard your stomach rumbling in your sleep."
"Tony," she told him seriously.
"You can't help them if you're on the verge of passing out, Ziva," he pointed out.
"I am not," she insisted.
"How soon until you are?" he tested her.
She just shook her head. "I need to know that they will be ok, first."
"They will be," he assured her. "They've had the antidote, and it works. Shai's doing great, and they said that Rhia's fever has gone completely now."
"Rhia has not work up yet," Ziva pointed out.
"She will," he promised. "In her own time. You know she doesn't sleep on anyone's schedule except her own."
She shot him a look. "How can you be so calm about this?"
"Do you really think I'm calm, Ziva?" he snapped at her, raising his voice a little. He stood fully, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. Anyone else might have flinched, but not Ziva. She just stared at him as he ran a hand through his already messy hair and extended his hand out to her. "Let's go down to the family room," he whispered.
She followed him there, glad when they found it empty, and they closed the door behind them. She stood in the centre of the room, watching as he paced up an down. She said nothing, knowing from the way his jaw was tightening that he was dying to speak what was on his mind.
"Do you really think I'm calm?" he repeated, softer this time.
"I do not know, Tony," she admitted.
He frowned. "You don't seriously think-"
"I do not know what I think, Tony," she told him. "You have been so focused on the children and on me, I do not know what you are feeling. I am scared for my son, I am scared for my daughter. I worry that Shai may relapse, just as I worry that Rhia may not wake up at all. I know how I am feeling. Have you taken a single second to understand what you are feeling?" she asked him.
"Yes."
"When?"
"It doesn't matter," she shrugged.
"Yes, it does," she insisted.
"Why should it?" he asked her. "The kids are ok, you're ok, let's just leave it there."
"No, let us not," she denied. She went over to him, putting one hand on his chest and another on his cheek. "Every time you have stopped me from doing something ridiculous it has been the same reason from you 'you are my wife, I am supposed to take care of you'. Well, you are my husband, Tony. We are married. We are a team. We have each other's backs. I care about you, Tony, I love you."
He went to draw her hands away, but she shook her head, keeping them in place. "Ziva..."
"No, Tony. Why can you not understand this?"
"Understand what?"
"You keep saying how you are supposed to protect your family," she reminded him. "We are a family, Tony. You and I, Shai and Rhia. We are a family, and just because you are the husband and father of this family does not mean that you are the only one of us that needs to do the protecting." Tony sighed, looking away from her with a hint of helplessness. "You keep saying that you want to protect us, but are you ever going to let us help you?" she asked quietly.
Tony broke away from her with an anxious expression, sitting down on one of the chairs and lowering his head into his hands. She could tell that he was struggling to hold it together now, and she followed him over, standing before him and running a hand through his hair. She knew from years of experience that this calmed him down, and his reaction of moving his head slightly forward to lean against her stomach confirmed this.
"Please, Tony," she begged. "Talk to me."
He was silent for a moment, but when he looked up at her she could see that there were unshed tears in his eyes. "I shot him, Ziva."
"Oh, Tony," she whispered, understand immediately.
"I shot him," he repeated. "I shot him in the thigh because he wouldn't tell me where the antidote was and then...when we were walking away he told me that I couldn't protect my kids forever, so I went back to him."
"Tony..."
"I went back," he cut her off. "I stood over him, and I looked him in the eye as I shot him. My father – my own father. I shot him. I killed him. And then I allowed Gibbs to call it in as a self-defence in line of the case. Do you know how hard it was to look my son in the eye after I'd done that?" he choked.
"Tony, that is not fair," she shook her head. "You cannot compare the relationship you had with your father to the one that you have with Shai. It is not the same."
"There's nothing to compare, Ziva," he shrugged. "I felt nothing when I shot him. All I could think about was that my son and my daughter were lying in hospital...sick...dying...because of him. Because of me, really. Because I'd not been a good enough son for him," he added guilty.
"It was never about you being a good son," she told him. "He was not a good enough father." She put her arms around him, and he rested his head against her stomach. "When you think about Shai wanting to be a federal agent, like yourself...when you think about him holding a weapon, what goes through your mind?"
"It scares me," he whispered shakily.
"When you pulled a gun on your father, what did he do?" she asked.
"He...he laughed."
Ziva kissed the top of his head. "Tony, this is not a test of your parental ability," she assured him. "This was your father doing the wrong thing, which ended up being a worse thing. Look at what you have done. You went after him, you got the antidote and you bought it back so that your children...our children...could live. And as well as that, you removed the threat against them. You cannot have a justification for getting mad at me when I call myself a bad mother if you are going to doubt yourself because of what that bastard said to you."
"I'm sorry," he sighed.
"Do not be," she whispered back. He tightened his hold around her and breathed out heavily. "Comfortable?" she asked him.
He nodded against her. "I remember doing this the night you told me you were pregnant with Rhia."
"Perhaps you are more in-tune to the female body than you believe," she suggested.
Tony looked up, confused. "Ziva, what are you saying?"
She bit her lip. "I have told you this before, yet it is still rather terrifying every time that it needs to be said."
"Ziva..."
"I did not want to say because of all that has been happening with the children, and it is early days so I thought it may be best to wait for all of this to be over first, for us to get the children home and settled again..."
"Ziva, you're rambling, worse than Abby," he told her, drawing her closer so that she was now standing between his parted legs. "Why are you trying to tell me? Because if it's what I think you're telling me..."
"It may be," she realised. "What do you think I am going to tell you?"
"Ziva, are you-?"
The door to the family room opened, and Abby walked in. She winced apologetically. "Am I interrupting something?" she asked.
"Yes, actually," Tony told her.
"Sorry, guys," she told them.
"It's ok," he excused. "Stay."
"Stay?" she asked.
"Yeah, you should hang around to hear the good news," he told her.
"Oh, I love good news!" she bounced, coming in and moving closer to them. "What good news?"
Tony looked back into his wife's eyes, placing his hands on her hips so that his thumbs could rub small circles on her lower stomach. "Ziva was just about to tell me that we're having another baby."
Ziva smiled, which was all the confirmation that they needed, and Abby looked like she was torn between exploding and passing out. "OH MY GOD!" She squealed. "I have to go tell McGee!"
She ran from the room, disappearing with intense noise but neither of them noticed. "Tell me, then," Tony encouraged her.
"You already know," she pointed out.
"Ziva, there have been several times in my life when I know I'll never forget what you said to me, word for word," he told her, counting them off on his fingers. "When you asked me to save you, when you told me that Shai was my son, when you agreed to marry me, when you said 'I do', the first time you told me that you loved me, and the time you told me that you were pregnant with Rhia..." he smiled at her. "I want to hear you tell me, so I can add it to those memories."
She smiled at him. "Tony..."
"Yes, Ziva?" he asked expectantly.
"Give me your hand." He held his hand out to her, and she took it in her own, resting it low down on her stomach. He smiled at this, laughing a little. "Ready?" she asked him.
He nodded. "I'm ready. Tell me."
She guided his hand a little lower, to where it was roughly above where their miniscule child was. "Right here, there is a tiny heartbeat."
"A tiny heartbeat," he repeated.
"Tony, we are going to have another baby."