Chapter Nineteen : Out of Reach
Chloe sat alone in the lobby of the Jedi Temple's main entryway. It had been nearly four weeks since the Nelvaan mission. She had filled the time by preparing for the upcoming college semester, often falling asleep at her desk after many hours of continuous study. There had been no word from Obi-Wan. Nothing at all. That made her both angry and relieved at the same time. It was so much easier to let herself believe the whole nightmare of Terminus and Nelvaan had never happened.
"Miss O'Brian?" A dark-haired male Padawan of about sixteen stood in front of her.
"Yes?"
"Master Nu will see you now. Please follow me."
Chloe nodded silently and got to her feet. The Padawan led her through the corridors of the Temple's semi-public wing and ushered her into a room on the third level. He excused himself and Chloe was left alone. It was a meeting chamber, she assumed, given the polished conference table that ran the length of the room. A single box was placed upon the table, and inside she recognised her personal effects: datapad, stationery, her messy notes, hand-written on flimsiplast. One question answered, then.
The door hissed open.
"Miss O'Brian." The prim, silver-haired Head Librarian was carrying a pale brown folder in one hand. "Please, sit down. I have news of the Council's verdict."
Jocasta Nu opened her folder carefully, took out a single sheet of flimsiplast, and slid it across the table to Chloe. "This is a copy of the formal letter the Council will send to the Academy. It has been decided that your internship should be drawn to a close now, two weeks earlier than originally agreed. As you can see, the reason cited is necessary movement of personnel away from the Temple due to expanding military campaigns in the Mid and Outer Rim. Put simply, we can not afford to supervise you any more."
Chloe scanned the document, confused. Where was the mention of her running off to Tatooine?
The older woman smiled, almost kindly. "I understand the mission you participated in suffered some intensely personal complications. In light of this, the Council have decided not to formally acknowledge any, shall we call them, errors of judgement that you may have made. Rather, you will be commended for the work you carried out whilst deployed with us, on the condition that you do not apply to any future internship programmes her within the next three years."
Chloe ran a hand over the letter in front of her, still not quite able to believe it. She had expected the Council to be, at best, grudgingly reasonable. If Obi-Wan was to be believed, this was more than she deserved.
Master Nu closed her folder and stood up. "Please wait here. I'll send for Padawan Jaac to escort you out."
"That's it?"
"Yes. Unless you have any questions."
"How is Anakin? He was injured on our trip to Tatooine."
"I hear Padawan Skywalker has been redeployed already," Jocasta Nu replied, her eyes narrowing in a disapproval that Chloe sensed was not of the question, but of Anakin himself. "So I assume he is quite well."
"Oh, that's good."
"Goodbye Miss O'Brian."
Chloe just nodded, and watched the older woman leave before slumping down in her chair. What should she do now? Ask to be taken to Obi-Wan's quarters on the way out? That was unlikely to go down well, she thought, crossing to the window which, to her surprise, looked out over treetops.
"Chloe."
Gods, how parched she had been for the lack of that voice!
Chloe put a hand on the glass, letting its coolness sink into her fingers, forcing herself to focus and regain her composure before she turned round. "Hello Obi-Wan."
He crossed the room to her immediately, lifting his hands towards her, but then interlocking his own fingers together instead, twisting them for a moment before dropping them to his sides. "It's good to see you."
"Busy, were you?"
"I'm sorry. I would have contacted you sooner but I was called away to Antioch two hours after you left Terminus."
"And you've been away for four weeks?"
"Well..." He stepped to her side so they were stood next to each other, both looking out of the window. "Not exactly. "
"You didn't think I might have been worried about you?"
"I would really rather you didn't worry about me."
Silence for a while. Obi-Wan seemed as distant as he been on Terminus. She wanted to shout at him, to plead for the closeness they had before that damn mission. Instead she looked out of the window. "It's beautiful," she said, eventually, indicating the lush vegetation.
"The Room of a Thousand Fountains. Yes, it is."
More silence.
"I hear Anakin is well."
"Yes."
"Did you blame him for what happened?"
Obi-Wan stiffened. "I can assure you the Council consider the facts, not subjective opinion, mine nor anyone else's. Anakin has been punished, but the details must remain confidential. I'm sure you understand it is not appropriate to discuss it with any outsiders."
She flinched at the last word. "Yes. Of course."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"It's okay. I understand." But after that she gave up on making conversation. Let him say whatever he has come to say. She folded her arms across her chest, and waited.
After a long pause, he spoke. "How have you been?"
"Marvellous. I wish I could risk public execution and have my father die every week, you know? It's so much fun."
But when her voice wobbled at the end, completely spoiling the sarcasm, Obi-Wan reached for her. He gently clasped her hand between both of his. "I don't know what to say to you... I don't think there is anything I can say that will help."
He looked so concerned, for a moment, so loving, that Chloe's breath hitched and she shied away from his gaze, looking down, instead, at his hands; feeling them, warm and dry; heard her heart pounding. It is such a revelation to touch him again. To be touched by him...
Obi-Wan had taken a step closer, and it was so easy to lean forwards and rest her cheek against his tunic, so natural to slip her arms around his waist. With a quiet sigh he pulled her against his body, one arm sliding across her back, the other gently cradling the back of her head. His lips touched her hair; and she let them stay there for a few breaths, memorising the sensation of being wrapped in him, of being safe. Gods, this is so difficult.
Then she lifted her head, pulling back as far as his arms would allow her. Don't let me go. Please, Obi-Wan, don't ever let me go.
Mistaking her action, he looked down at her. Smiled. Raised a hand to her face. Moved to kiss her.
She knew that if his lips touched hers she would be lost. Stop him you idiot. Have some backbone, you foolish girl.
She turned her head at the last moment. Closed her eyes. Shut him out. "Wait. Stop."
"What is it?" he said, stroking her cheek with his thumb.
One last chance. She took a breath. "There is something you can say to help me."
"Hmm?"
Tell me what happened between you and my father on Nelvaan."
He dropped his hand, letting his arms slacken. "I told you what happened."
"No. I mean what really happened."
He pulled back. "I don't follow."
"What does military protocol mean?"
"Well it can mean a number of things, depending on the circumstances. I hardly see why this is relevant."
"Commander Drake said your report was suspiciously sparse. And you had told him you would employ military protocol if my father refused to cooperate."
Obi-Wan laughed. "Of course. Your friend, Commander Drake. And you would believe that small-minded, sadistic little twerp over me."
"No. Of course not. But I think I know you well enough to be able to tell when you're hiding something!"
He shook his head, turning to the window. "I have not lied to you."
He wouldn't look at her, damn him! Did he not realise how much this hurt, that he didn't even respect her enough to keep evading her like this?
"Then," she said, letting out a shaky breath, "tell me that you didn't torture my father in order to obtain the toxin sample. Tell me you didn't kill him."
Silence. Nothing but her own breathing, the heat in her cheeks, and the misty fronds of green beyond the glass.
When she turned to look at him, devastation was written on his face. "You believe I am capable of that?"
Her heart twisted. What have I said. What have I accused him of? "Please tell me you're not."
He took a step forward, grasping both her upper arms and looking into her eyes. "Chloe. I did not torture your father. I did not kill your father. He died in the explosion. You must believe me."
She looked up at him, searching his face, looking for the truth in his eyes: gray and stormy in the flat, hazy light.
He shook her a little. "Do you believe me?"
Tears of relief blurred her vision. She nodded.
Satisfied, he let go.
Gathering her courage, she forced herself to speak again. "So tell me what really happened."
He laughed unpleasantly, shaking his head. "Will you not just take my-"
"Is it classified?"
"No."
"Then I don't understand why you can't tell me."
Obi-Wan's expression tightened, his jaw set, and he looked at her, eyes cold. When he spoke, his voice was deliberately calm. "I'm sorry Chloe. You'll just have to trust me. And if you can't trust me, then..."
"Then what?"
"I don't know."
Chloe waited, counting her breaths. One. Two. Three. She argued with herself, silently, one last time.
She couldn't look at him when she said it. "Your world... it's too much for me. I don't think I can fit myself into it, not in the way you want. I don't think I will ever be able to. Perhaps it would be better to end things between us now, than prolong the inevitable."
Obi-Wan stared out of the window, and was silent for so long that she thought he might not have heard her. "I see."
Chloe took a long breath and stood up straight, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from her, even she was left empty and desperately sad. "You don't seem surprised."
He looked at her, his expression unreadable. "It has happened before."
"Oh." So nothing special, Chloe. Nothing at all special...
"Chloe."
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry about your father. I truly am."
"It's okay. I'd just rather not talk about it any more."
"Right."
"I should go." I don't want to go. Please tell me not to go.
"As you wish."
So easy it was, for him. Like blossom from a spinoa tree in the first breezes of spring. And Chloe had been foolish to hope that he might have argued, that he might have fought for her, that he might have cared. Too late to change her mind now.
"Goodbye, Obi-Wan."
"Wait." He was looking at her with some uncertainty, hesitating over something. A faint murmur of hope stirred in her chest.
"Yes?"
"I... I value our friendship, Chloe. I hope we can remain... cordial."
Polite to the last, that was Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Of course. I'll call you," she lied.
When she fled the room, she was so focused on holding herself together that she barely registered the noise behind her. Something like a chair being sent crashing into a wall.
As her transport slogged through the gray drizzle of the Coruscant afternoon, Chloe stared, unseeing at the traffic, and forced herself to face facts. Much as she wanted to blame Obi-Wan, he had been honest with her right from the beginning. He had warned her that their relationship could never be normal; that he could never commit himself or lose control of his emotions; that he had to deal with every situation with complete clarity and calm.
Only about one thing had he been wrong. He had once spoken of love. He had thought the Jedi capable of love. But, a formula for you, Master Kenobi. A scientific fact for you and your kriffing rationality. Attraction plus affection does not equal love.
Not love as Chloe understood it. Not at she had felt it, for him.
And the final, cruel irony was this. No man would ever be able to replace him. Even if the person she'd fallen in love with had never really existed at all.
A/N. I don't know when I'm going to get the chance to write more of this story. *Cries*. I have so little time and energy to devote to writing at the moment it's almost impossible to make sensible progress. Anyway, as I've had a few comments recently asking about updates I thought I should probably share this chapter (it's been waiting on my hard drive for a couple of months). I really don't want to leave the story on such a low point - there's much more to come, honestly, but I'm not going to update until I have a good chunk written, preferably right to the end. Sadly I really don't know when I'll get time to write again. Thanks for reading so far, everyone, and MTFBWY :).