Chapter 20: When It Hurts With Every Heartbeat

She stood on wet sand, at the edge of a gray ocean. Waves broke a few metres ahead, and each surge of cold water around her ankles tugged at her, insistently, as it retreated, trying to wash away the sand beneath her feet. The sky was overcast, the wind harsh against her face. Chloe pulled the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and hugged her arms around her body.

"Let me help with that." From behind, Obi-Wan slipped his arms around her, resting his cheek, cold and damp, against hers.

She smiled. "You're crazy. It's far too cold for swimming."

He kissed her neck, letting his wet hair flop forwards against her skin, making her shiver.

"It's invigorating. You should try it," he said, unwrapping himself from her, taking her hand and pulling her towards the breakers.

"No," she said, half-laughing with him, at first. The water swelled above her knees, pulling with silent, menacing strength. "No, don't, please. I mean it."

Obi-Wan held her steady against the tug of the current, one arm around her wait. "I'm sorry," he said, and smoothed salt-tangled strands of hair back from her forehead so he could place his lips there. His fingers drifted down her temple, cheek, and neck, coming to rest on her shoulder, and then he pulled back, looking into her eyes. "Forgive me."

She studied him: his face, his solemn expression, his eyes, as gray as stone, and Chloe realised he was no longer apologising for frightening her, but asking for forgiveness for something much more serious. What was it? She did not know, but she couldn't bear to be the source of his anguish, so she nodded, and hoped that would be enough.

Clearly relieved, he ran his thumb lightly down her cheek, and then drew her into a kiss.

The water surged around them, but he held her fast, the kiss unbroken, deliberate and measured. Controlled. It was bliss and agony at the same time; although he might have infinite patience, Chloe certainly did not, and it had been so long, so, so long since he'd touched her like this, and she hungered, craved, needed more.

She tried an accidentally-on-purpose flick of her tongue against his lip, and she felt him smile, but he continued, just as restrained. So, just to make herself absolutely clear, she reached up and slid both hands into his hair, pulling herself onto tiptoes in the effort to wrench him closer. With a noise that was midway between a sigh and a moan, he relented, and sank his tongue against hers. She gasped as his cold fingers found exposed skin at the bottom edge of her sweater, sliding inside, up, over her ribs—

When bright light exploded in the sky, silently, somewhere to the west.

What? Chloe jerked back in alarm.

Light. Blinding light. Too bright, what is it?

She twisted, tumbling, disorientated, turning her head, burying it in the pillow.

Wait. Pillow?

"Hey, sleepyhead, time to get up!"

No. Not now! Not when she could feel his hands on her, taste his lips…

"C'mon Chloe, wakey-wakey!"

Chloe tried valiantly to ignore Matty's voice and burrow back into the dream, focusing on the sand beneath her toes, the cold water, the sensation of being held by him…

"Obi-Wan," she whispered, urgently. "Obi-Wan, come back…"

But he was gone.

Although her eyes were screwed shut, Chloe knew she was back in her bed, in her apartment, in her unremarkable suburb of Coruscant.

Back home. Back to reality.

No beach. No ocean. No Obi-Wan, with his treacherously delicious mouth.

"Coruscant to Chloe O'Brian, Do you read me?"

And there was only Matty Jakks, whom Chloe loved very much, but who, right now, was certainly the most annoyingly loud and persistent person she had ever met.

Chloe pushed the pillow off her face and let out a long, weary sigh.

Matty's curvy figure was silhouetted by the bright morning sunshine streaming through Chloe's bedroom window. "Don't tell me you've been dreaming about him again."

Chloe sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Did anyone ever tell you your timing is terrible?" She sighed again. "It was so real," she said, reaching to her cheek which she could swear was still tingling from the scratch of his stubble.

Matty sat on the bed. "Poor girl," she said, squeezing Chloe's hand. "I swear if Obi-Wan Kenobi ever crosses paths with me, he's going to regret it."

"It's not his fault. It's my wonky brain coming up with this stuff."

"Uh-uh." Matty expression was severe as she leaned forwards. "None of that. Rule number one hundred and thirty-two. It's always his fault."

Chloe smiled weakly, and Matty grinned back. "That's better. " She stood up. "Now get dressed. Day one of your recovery program, remember? Step number one is breakfast, and it's in critical danger of becoming lunch."

Chloe prodded her extra-crispy bacon, pulled a face, and sat back in her seat.

"You want to know what I think?" Matty was saying. What I really think?"

Chloe shrugged. "Sure."

"He's a rake. A player."

"Ha ha."

"No, I mean it. That Jedi-bullshit line about not being able to commit? It's a dream of an excuse. He gets you in his bed, no strings attached, and then, when you can't cope any more, because it was a ridiculous thing to agree to in the first place, it's you that ends up having to break up with him. How convenient! And he walks away, with his conscience clear. Pah!"

Matty didn't know the full truth, of course. Still under the jurisdiction of the Republic's secrecy laws, Chloe couldn't tell her friend anything about the Nelvaan mission, or, even though she longed to be able to confide in someone, the re-emergence of her father. Matty's take on what remained—the less exceptional details of the course of Chloe and Obi-Wan's relationship—was unabashedly cynical.

"It's not like that. He's different. It's… complicated," Chloe said, lamely. She didn't believe Matty, not in her heart. But then her heart, by every conceivable measure, was rather stupid.

"If he was so special he wouldn't have hurt you."

"Now you're making me feel even more of an idiot."

"His fault, remember. His fault. I'm sure you're not the first one to have been taken in by his charms. You are something of an innocent, and you coped admirably, under the circumstances, well at least as far as I can tell given whatever else happened was important enough for it to be off-limits for discussion at this breakfast table. Anyway, what's the matter with your breakfast? " Matty frowned and waved her fork at Chloe's uneaten food. "I know it's only been two weeks and you're lovesicky-sick, but you can't tell me you're not hungry. You're usually always hungry."

"I think he's going to take more than a couple of weeks to get over." Maybe my whole life...

Matty frowned. "What time did you go to bed last night?"

"Um, just before ten."

"And the night before that?"

"Same, I was tired. I'm always tired these days. What is this, the Malastarian inquisition? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Matty combined a talent for getting straight to the point with a penchant for melodrama. "Chloe," she said, and then paused, carefully putting down her fork. "Please tell me there's no possibility that you could be pregnant."

Chloe snorted. "I doubt it. The Jedi take supplements to prevent it. Obi-Wan said—"

Matty held up her hand. "Let me rephrase that. All I have to go on are freaky dreams, exhaustion, and loss of appetite. Now, please tell me, aside from the disreputable promises of the man who broke your heart, that you are not carrying his child."

"I…. well…" Chloe's monthly cycle had always been erratic, especially in times of stress, so she'd never paid much attention to dates. But she was late, by as much as two weeks, perhaps, although she didn't feel pregnant—whatever pregnant felt like. She couldn't be pregnant. Could she? She blinked, and waved the thought away. "No, no. Of course not."

Later, when Matty had left for an evening assignment, leaving Chloe with a stack of holovids, a double portion of home-made chocolate mousse, and strict instructions not to mope, Chloe discovered they'd run out of… dental floss, yes, that was it. And so she went for a walk to the all-night store two blocks away, to buy some more.

While she was there, she picked up a pregnancy test. Just to set her mind at ease.

Hands shaking, she headed straight to the 'fresher as soon as she got home and took the test, and then placed it upside-down on the coffee table and set her chrono for the requisite five minute wait. Hugging her arms around herself, she crossed to the window, watching the skittering lights of the night-time traffic while she waited, and considered the terrifying possibility that the test might be positive.

Chloe had never wanted children. It just wasn't something that she saw herself doing. Ever. Babies might be cute, but they were also noisy, and messy, and a huge responsibility. And what about Obi-Wan? Could she tell him? Did he have a right to know? Would he want to know?

Obi-Wan's child. As she exhaled the thought her imagination conjured up the image of a little girl with blue-green eyes and long, auburn hair, walking along a grassy path, holding Obi-Wan's hand.

Ridiculous, of course, and he'd probably be horrified at the thought. He'd told her as much. Life as a Jedi left no space for marriage or children. So what would she do? There were pills, medical procedures, easily available in a metropolis like this… yet that was even more unthinkable than the idea of herself as a mother. She could always go home, apologise, transfer the rest of her course to the Institute. Her own mother would probably be delighted.

And what advice would her mother give her? Most likely she would, her typically dismissively way, tell Chloe that she'd just have to manage, as countless women had done before her. And although the idea of being pregnant was almost unthinkable, Chloe realised there it was strangely comforting and faintly beautiful in the notion that her disaster of an affair with Obi-Wan could result in something so many people regarded as joy—as a gift. And, a stray thought whispered quietly to her, the child, the tiny life that could be flickering inside her right now, was a part of him, and so they would always be connected, forever, whether he knew it or not.

The chrono beeped. She set her empty glass down on table, and turned it the test over.

Negative.

She checked the instructions again.

Yes, definitely negative.

By all logical reasoning she should be feeling hugely relieved.

Then why was did she feel empty?

Bereft.

Disappointed.

Because I'm stupid, that's why. Stupid, and hopeless, and I need to let go, and move on, damn it.

She kicked out at the coffee table in frustration, sending the pile of holovids toppling to the floor, then flopped down on the couch, her head in her hands.

Enough. It ends here.

This would be the low point, she decided. The watershed. Tomorrow would be the beginning of the rest of her life, and she would be strong, and independent, and she would forget about Obi-Wan. Completely and utterly.

Forever.

A/N: Hello there! I'm back, and hoping to make up for my absence by posting chapters at reasonable intervals... like not every 3 months:) Thanks for the reviews and messages, I really had no expectation that anyone was going to read this story when I originally started writing it, but now you guys are giving me the motivation to see it through to the end. Ooh and I have a question. Would anyone be interested in reading Obi-Wan's POV in all of this? Because I've been writing some snapshots of what he's thinking, and I kind of hate to keep you all in the dark. I'm considering posting them as a separate fic. Let me know what you think!