~ Hiya! Well that was a very nice seven day vacation! Very, very relaxing. It was more of a weekend during the week really...Well anyway, I'm back! Although not totally. I'll be continuing with my stories but, I'll be taking longer to write them...I have enthusiasm I guess but I'm too lazy to get back to my super fast typing things.. Mostly I'll just be re-editing the stories I already have, until they are free of mistakes, so if you see any please tell me so I can go back and fix them! Thank you.

Now for this chapter I thought of this idea before my vacation. I don't really know why I felt like I had to put it in since this goes completely off the plan that I had made then lost, but oh well. I never had stuck to that plan anyway. When Kaori left.. I wasn't planing on that happening. It was a shock to me as it must have been for you. Now last chapter you guys said.. well actually only one person reviewed -crys- but anyway, I hoped you liked it, I don't know because only one person reviewed and they liked it.. but. yeah.. whatever just review.

Oh by the way, I'm posting a thingy on my profile that'll tell you how to pronounce my character's names properly if you don't know how to. So be sure to check that out.. You might have to search a bit because I really have super-sized my profile page since I first started fanfic heheh..

01-12-10: I wish I could add a date to that :( but I can't. Fuuu~

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You're Kinda, Sorta, Basically, Pretty Much, Always On My Mind.

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I Do Not Own Inuyasha

"Talking"

24. What Would've Been

I heard it all. Every heart beat, every breath. Every foot step, and every leap Inuyasha made. I was more awake then I had ever been before, but I was locked deep inside myself. I couldn't find my voice, I couldn't find my body. Every time I would search, I would only find the suffering boy who was determined to save me. I had been locked inside myself since the new moon.

Yes, I was hurting. Yes, I was burning. But this was nothing compared to my transformation. Nothing like the acid in my veins. Nothing like the razors around my wrists. This was like a tap on the hand, after you just broke your wrist. Absolutely nothing. But the memory of my transformation wouldn't leave my mind. It was there and it wouldn't go away. My heart pounded at the memory, and I hyperventilated frequently. The only time my hyperventilation would stop, would be when he was running, because, if we were moving, then there was no way that I was in the acid water.

Last night.. My human form let me be conscious again. It was such a relief that I could breath again, I was happy that I could banish the memory away, but my mood had been short lived. He had looked so tired.. He looked like he was about to cry. And I wanted to cry because I knew it was my fault. It was because I was sick, and he was worried, and crazy from sleep deprivation.

I was messing up his sleeping patterns, eating patterns. Every thing he was supposed to be doing for himself, I was messing that up because I was sick. He was practically killing himself because of me.. Now I know that was a little extreme but if this continued for much longer..

I heard voices then, and knew these words that they spoke. But I couldn't understand the words. I couldn't remember which voice belonged to who.

"How much farther!"

"Oh jeez, Inuyasha. Be patient. Meoga said Kaori is fine, and I know Kaori is fine until a few more days, and Miroku knows how to make the medicine. It's not too much further.."

"How much is not too much!?"

"Um.. Maybe.. a day or two-? Ow! What did you do that for!?"

"Shoulda known not to follow a stupid fox around.."

"Hey! You take that back- You know Kaori would sit you if she were awake!"

"Shut up."

I tired to sigh, but it was impossible when you're so lost inside yourself. I wanted to listen more.. at least I could tell I was alive by the noise, but the noise faded. And even now I couldn't hear or feel anything. Everything was gone.. everything was dark. I felt like I was floating on a cloud up in the sky, or submerged under water in the sea. Had I died? Was I still there somewhere? Was.. Was I.. ? I suddenly feel into unconsciousness, and couldn't think of anything anymore.

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When I found myself, everything felt different. Inuyasha's arms where hard and much to big. My kimono didn't feel like silk anymore, and I could feel fabric against my legs down to my ankles. I couldn't heard his heart beat, I couldn't hear his breathing nor feel the steps he took. I was still.. and not hurting. I couldn't feel my hyperventilation anymore. I couldn't feel my heart racing. But there was something else. I didn't feel like a hanyou anymore. I couldn't make out the scents that I should have been able to. I didn't feel as strong as I should.

My eyes fluttered open at that moment, and I found my self staring up at a wooden roof. I frowned. I couldn't see the grains in the wood. I couldn't see the dust partials floating around.

I sat up, looking around me. I would demand to know what the hell was going on. Human changes were unforgivable unless it was the full moon, which I was sure it wasn't. But the room was empty, and I was alone. Strange.. With my sickness Inuyasha had never left my side for a moment before..

I kicked off the thin sheet over my human body, and looked down at my form. No fluffy black tail. No claws.. Nothing. My red kimono was gone too. Instead I was in miko clothing, except the pants were a navy blue instead of red. A lock of hair fell over my shoulder into my face from the wind coming from an open window, and again I was taken by surprise.

Instead of my copper colour, my hair was a raven black. It wasn't slightly curly or wavy like it should be either, it was perfectly straight. I jumped to my feet and grabbed a bucket of water that sat by a small fire in the centre of the room. I stared at my reflection in the water and bit my lip. My eyes weren't green either, they were the same shade of pretty brown as Kikyou's. My face was still the same as when I was human, but the girl I saw in the water wasn't me.

I set the bucket back on the floor, and I fell back onto my bottom. What was going on? Why was I so different? Was this a side effect from any meds Inuyasha or Meoga had given me? I gasped at this realization. I had changed again! Surely this time Inuyasha wouldn't be able to take it!

I covered my face with my hands. No! I had just got back! I wasn't going to leave again but. .if Inuyasha couldn't take it, then I wouldn't make him stay but.. It had only been two weeks! I wasn't ready to be alone again just yet!

I heard the mat covering the door move and I looked up, trying to make my tears disappear before they went to the dark side and fell down my face. But the person standing in the door way forced those tears away instantly, for I was too shocked to cry.

My sister.. Kikyou, stood in the doorway, full of colour and not ghostly pale as I remembered. She was absolutely glowing, and the smile on her face was one I had never seen before. I sat gaping at her, until two little figures moved and forced me to look away.

Two children stood by her legs. One a boy. Perfectly straight raven hair, and large chocolate brown eyes. He looked to be maybe 2.. or 3. His index finger was in his mouth, and the other hand was holding the hand of the other child.

The other child, I was much more interested in at this moment. Even though the boy was a beautiful baby, and the splitting image of my sister and the girl I had seen in the water, this other child was.. just the splitting image of someone else.

Her sparkling silver eyes stared at me from across the room, shimmering like diamonds. Her devilish raven hair was long and reached her knees, and was left untied. Although her hair wasn't perfectly straight like the boy's, although her skin wasn't ivory either.. she was just far more enchanting though it took me a moment to figure out why I thought so.

This little girl, who looked maybe 6 or 7, who stared at me, with a mischievous little grin on her face, was the splitting image.. the younger female twin, of my human Inuyasha.

"Kaori-chan!" The girl shouted, letting go of the boy's hand and running into my lap. She wrapped her little arms around my neck, and buried her face into the raven hair that fell over my shoulders. I was to shocked to move. This little girl maybe Inuyasha's human twin, but.. her personality wasn't exactly the same.

The little girl pulled away, and smiled at me, showing off perfectly white sparkling teeth. "Kao-chan! Kao-chan! Kao-chan!" The girl chanted. "Ruu-chan and Chichi-ue left wif out me!!!! You beat them up for me, okay?!"

Chichi-ue...? It took me a moment to recover from my shock and remember that this child as well as all children do have parents. I looked to Kikyou, and she held the little boy in her arms now, her glow shinning brighter then before. Was that her child then? If so, who was the guy that Kikyou really had married? But then again I thought mikos couldn't marry at all..

A gust of wind blew through the window and instinctively I started sniffing for the delicious scents that should be there. I frowned again when I couldn't catch anything, but was satisfied with my reaction. At least I still had some sort of inu hanyou instincts and reflexes.

"Kao-chan...What are you doing?"

I back to the girl. She stared at me curiously, as if trying to figure out something she couldn't explain. But her silver eyes were intense and my mind shot back to the night Inuyasha had turned human and stole my ribbon. I felt heat rush to my cheeks and I ducked under the raven bangs falling over my face. I was supposed to forget that night!

Kikyou laugh filled the room, and the little girl crawled out of my lap. "Come on, Airi-chan." Kikyou called. "Kao-chan must want to leave soon."

"Awhhh!" The little girl whined following Kikyou out the door. Leave? When was it decided that I would leave? When did I decide to leave!? I got to my feet, and scrambled out the door a little dizzy as the blood rushed from my head.

"Wait! Er.. Onee-san!" I called, reaching out to Kikyou. She froze, and turned around to face me. Her brows knotted together in confusion, shock, and she wasn't smiling anymore.

"What?" I asked, taken a back by her reaction.

"You haven't called me 'Onee-san' in a long time, Kaori." She stated, staring me down. I felt suddenly frightened almost, and quickly back tracked.

"Uh.. I can't call you something else if you want! I mean.. I.. If you don't want me to I'll-"

"No.. It's fine." She said, turning around again and walking to the village. "It was just a surprise to me." She disappeared into a crowd of women, towing the two children along behind her.

I stared after them, frozen in shock. What was going on? Was I delusional, because I was ill? If so I shouldn't be up and Inuyasha should be here yelling at me to go to bed, so.. Why wasn't he here yelling at me? I stepped back and took in my surroundings.

I was in our village. But.. it looked different. The people were different.. some people I did recognized but they seemed much younger now. Instead of sixty they looked twenty maybe. I bit my lip as I studied most of the faces. I knew almost everyone, even the children.. but everyone was too little. Everyone was at least twenty-thirty years too young.

"Oi, Kaori!"

I looked around, surprised that anyone would know me as I was now. How could I be recognizable without my proper hair and eye colour? I noticed a girl running toward me, an annoyed look on her pretty face. I knew her from somewhere.. her face was familiar but there was something.. and I didn't know what that was, that was shocking to me. Maybe it was the patch around her eye that was surprising.

The girl stopped a about a few feet from me, her arms wrapped around a large basket of clothes. Only two pieces in there I was familiar with. My red, gold print kimono I'd been wearing since after the new moon -I blushed crimson at the thought- and a light blue kimono that faded to white at the bottom; with pink sakura petals embroidered on the bottom. That was my favourite kimono to wear from when I was a little girl.

I looked back to the woman, whose one pretty brown eye stared at me intensely-like she was waiting for me to say something. I knew this look from somewhere.. I tried to think back. Back into all the complicated chapters of my intensely confusing life. The first thing that came to my mind what the little girl, and her shocking resemblance to Inuyasha.

Suddenly I wanted to steal that little girl away and hug her and hold her and squish her, and make her my -and not Kikyou's- daughter. A wave of envy and jealousy shot through me as my mind started repeating the same words over and over again: 'She should've been my daughter.' I wanted her to be mine. I wanted that little child, that looked like Inuyasha, belong to me. I took a step in the direction that they disappeared in, my body ready to run and take the little girl away.

But I stopped. I shook my head violently. What was I doing? Why was I thinking about stealing my own sister's child away? That was.. unforgivable. Why would I.. How could I even think about doing such a thing to her. She would be devastated.. But again, my mind forced more words into my head. No.. Kikyou wouldn't be devastated because Airi was mine. Not Kikyou's..

This time I had to pinch myself to stop me. What the hell was I doing!?!!?!?!? I closed my eyes, and turned back to the young woman -only opening them again when I was sure I couldn't see anything but her face. The woman looked at me, slightly sympathetic and tired as if she was used to this. That made my mind forget about Airi for a while. Why did this woman look at me like that?

She sighed, and propped the basket onto her hip, looking out into the crowd as I had. I made sure to keep my eyes on her face, so I wouldn't end up running away.

"I know." She sighed, still staring out into the dust village. "I know you're upset about Airi and all. But you and I both know Kikyou would be heart-broken if she knew so.." She looked back to me, her eyes pleading and apologetic. "Please, please, your 21, don't do anything unreasonable. It would ruin them, you know that."

She then sighed, and walked past me into the hut. I was to shocked to move. What.. I was 21? What did she mean? Don't do anything unreasonable? It would break them? Break who? Why was I upset about Airi in the first place? Why was I 21?

I bit my lip again. What had I done? What did I do in the past that made that woman act like that? Nothing made sense about Kikyou, so I'm sure whatever the reason behind all this didn't make sense either but..

I turned and looked back out into the village. Whatever I had done.. probably wasn't something good.

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I sat on the wooden fence, staring out into the meadow. I watched as Airi played with the other kids, and a sudden longing struck my heart. I didn't understand why, but it was there. I wanted to run, take her, and tell her I was her real Mom; that Kikyou had been fake from the very start. But I knew that wasn't true, and I'd never turn on Kikyou.

I sighed, and ran my fingers through the raven hair on my head. I didn't like this. I didn't like being human, I didn't like not being me. If I had been human because a part of Kikyou's soul had been suppressing mine, did that mean that was still happening? And if so, why did my hair and eye colour change?

I took in a deep breath, and clutched the fabric of my pants in my hands. I hadn't realized it before, after I had turned hanyou, how absolutely free I had felt. Now.. now with a part of Kikyou's soul still suppressing mine, I felt like I was locked up in a stuffy room. I felt like invisible chains were holding me in and I couldn't move or get out. How had I lived for 15 years like this without realizing it?

"Kaori?"

My heart stopped for a moment, and I turned to look behind me. Human Inuyasha stood just a few feet away, staring at me curiously, and wonderingly. I blushed scarlet and ducked under my hair again. "And you're even cuter when you blush.."

I bent down lower, trying to make my bangs cover my whole blushing face, but it didn't work. If what he said had been true.. then I must look uber adorable right now. That made me blush even harder.

I listened as he stepped toward me, and lent on the fence beside me, and I frowned. That wasn't right. He supposed to be so quiet and graceful that I couldn't hear him, even as a hanyou. But I heard every step he took. Wrong.

I looked up, the blush no longer on my face, and looked at him. He wasn't looking at me. Ugh, wrong! He should be. I was accident prone, and Kikyou's younger sister who magically turned into a hanyou then back to a human but now with raven hair and chocolate eyes. So.. Why didn't he watch me 24/7 like he should be. Why was he so relaxed that it was okay to look away and trust that I could go 5 seconds with out injuring myself.

Everything, I now noticed, was wrong. It was day time, and still two weeks until the new moon, so why didn't he have his silver hair? Where had the piercing golden eyes gone? Where was the suspicious questions? There was that worried gaze? Where was the name calling? Where was Shippo, and Meoga? Where was Tetsusaiga, it never left his side. Where was.. was my Inuyasha? This wasn't my Inuyasha.. This was.. this was Kikyou's Inuyasha.

This was.. the man that Kikyou.. had wanted Inuyasha to be.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and stared confidently out into the field, away from the playing children. "Hello."

The wood moved and creaked under me as he stopped leaning on it. Wrong. He stared at me with a look that matched Kikyou's. Wrong again. I groundd my teeth together, and clamped my hands around the wood beside me, digging my nails into the old grey wood. Everything was wrong, wrong, wrong! Why!?! Why was it wrong!? Why was he changed!? He wasn't supposed to change!

"You're mad." He stated, staring at me, thoughtfully. I wanted to cry.

"No, really? I hadn't noticed my own anger. Thanks for informing me." I growled sarcastically, folding my arms over my chest and turning to look at Airi. Big mistake. I bit my lip hard trying to draw blood, as I resisted the urge to run away again. What the hell was my problem?

"Oh. I see. You're still upset about that. Even after 6 years?"

I blinked and looked back to him. His weird understanding of this strange feeling inside me had distracted me, just like before with that woman. He looked worried, apologetic, and completely torn. Well.. that was an expression I knew but it looked wrong with him being human. He should have said 'what the hell is your problem?' instead of that.

I stayed silent, not quite sure what to do at this point. He kicked the ground and looked away. "I know that doing that was wrong.. and we both know none of that never meant to happen but Kikyou's happy and that's all that matters right now."

'I know that doing that was wrong...and we both know none of that never meant to happen' I felt sick. How many times had I ever heard that on t.v? How many freaking times had that been a movie line? And why did that line have to come from his mouth, while it applied to me and him?

I looked away, and covered my face with my hands. Ugh, why? Why? Why? Why? What the hell had I done six years ago in this time? Why did I do that!?!?! How could I? Black and white images flashed before my mind, and I wanted to cry as this unknown story played itself out in my head.

In this world where they had married, he had used the shikon no tama to become human.. In this world, where Airi was my child. In this world.. I'd betrayed Kikyou and done something stupid behind her back. In this world, Kikyou's real baby had been stillborn and since both of us had delivered on the same day, it was only reasonable to give up mine and make her believe mine was dead.. give up mine so she wouldn't suspect. So she wouldn't see the similarities of Inuyasha in my baby.

What the hell, was I thinking? I jumped off the fence, and grabbed a huge rock off the ground and whipped it into the forest behind me. I screamed so mad at myself, and fell to my knees, silently begging God to kill me. Someone like me doesn't deserve to live.

"Kaori..."

"No!" I shouted as he went to grab my hands. I pulled them again and glared at him through my tears. "Shut up! I hate you! It's all your fault!" I got to my feet, and suddenly wished I was hanyou so I could injure him or something. How could he do that to Kikyou? How could I do that to Kikyou?

"And you know it's your fault!" I shouted, not caring if the tears ran down my face. "And yet you do nothing! You should have done something, or have done nothing in the very beginning!" I knew what happened, even though I didn't remember it. In the beginning.. when he still wasn't used to being human and all the emotions.. I said I had loved him cause apparently I did.. even though he married Kikyou. So.. of course it was my fault really.. I should have stayed silent.. but.. it was so much easier to blame this on him.. he should have loved Kikyou enough to reject me.

I spun around and started to run. I was going to kill myself. I'd find someway to. I had to. I couldn't live knowing I did such a thing. But I felt his hand clamp around my wrist, and I couldn't move.

"Don't.. If you tried to kill yourself again then I don't think she could handle it." He whispered.

I snorted, and pulled my hand from his grasp. "Why didn't you think of what she couldn't handle six years ago?" I growled. I loathed him. I hated him. And I wanted to die. All the feelings were to much for myself.. as I cried, black spots appeared before my eyes, and I welcomed it. Maybe God had granted me my wish. Hopefully I was dying.

Everything went dark, and I lost myself again.

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This time when I found myself, everything felt the same as when I'd awoken in that place and I was scared. I was scared to live through that again. Scared of Kikyou. Scared of him. Scared of everyone. They all must have known. Many women must have known for they were there when the switch had taken place. I couldn't live with that shame hanging over me. I'd have to try and leave this world forever.

But as I deliberated on how to kill myself, voices filled the space around me.

"What the hell! What happened! Why isn't she waking up, you bastard!? If I find out you put poison in there I'll-"

"Inuyasha?" I opened my eyes, and found him, with this hand on Tetsusaiga, glaring at a handsome young monk. He was hanyou.. and his attitude was right. But I didn't know if I still loathed him. My dream had been so real.. it could have been real.. That place might've been in another demention where things had gone according to plan in the beginning..

I couldn't look at him.. my eyes had only ran past him to see if he had silver hair, and now I looked into a small fire in the middle of the hut.

"Kaori!" He practically shouted, coming up to me, as I sat up. "Are you okay!?"

I bit the inside of my cheek and stared at the ground to the left. "Yes.. I'm fine." I mumbled. I sounded sad.. and I was. But I was also upset and I hated myself. His face grew shocked, I seen it from the corner of my eye, and I got to my feet, heading to the door. "Just.." I said, not really caring if he was worried or not. "Just..leave me alone for a little bit."

End Of Chapter 24

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R&R Please

Thanks 4 Reading


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~Oh well psh! I just ruined a totally good part of this story. I was planing on it being a nice part where they have a nice conv and Airi wasn't.. well you know. Ugh oh well. Theres some drama for you. I have something to work up from now for next chapters to come. If it's confusing.. well bare with it or ask me what the hell just happened. lol. Gosh that was so dramaish... So much drama! ! I was totally into it too. I forgot that I was me for a second there. Sigh.. but whatever. I don't even know if it's good or not. So review and tell me if it was. Well it's late. 12:40am to be exact. I have to sleep. Good-nite.