Chapter Twenty-Five: Hope On Fire
What you said, about remaining cordial. I would like that.
It was not something Chloe had planned to say, or something she knew before she said it.
Immediately after Nelvaan and Terminus, Chloe had been so angry with Obi-Wan, so hurt, so confused, that she had never seriously considered they could remain friends. But now, after one simple conversation, everything had changed.
Now she was no longer afraid. Now she knew Obi-Wan would never willingly hurt her. Now, she knew he cared about her so much, that he had allowed her to think badly of him rather than desecrate the memory of the man she had idolised. In that single action, Obi-Wan had been a typically selfless Jedi, and yet at the same time he had been the very opposite: merely a man whose actions had been driven by a desire to protect her. It was as if that contradiction revealed a chink in his armour—a way of beginning, at least, to understand him.
During their short time together, Chloe had become convinced that Obi-Wan did not allow himself to experience intense emotions. But hadn't he once told her that the principle of the Jedi Code was not to deny emotions, but to be able to understand and then set them aside? And, she wondered, how did it feel to deal with those emotions alone, to analyse and then disregard those very human aspects of himself, because he wasn't allowed to share them?
All for the sake of a duty prescribed by birthright, not choice. Yes, theoretically, the Jedi chose to remain in the Order, to take their vows and become Jedi knights, but what else could an honourable being do? Walk away from the vocation they believed to be their destiny, or pledge to serve the Force, no matter the personal cost to themselves?
Chloe missed him. She needed him. And, she realised, she had been so overwhelmed during their fleeting relationship that she had only ever thought about her needs. Now she'd had a glimpse of the real Obi-Wan, and now she knew that he cared about her, she found herself wanting to be with him not for her own sake, but for his.
So she'd messed up the chance to be anything more than friends. What did that leave? Could she contain the head-over-heels madness of being in love with him, and be his friend, be grateful for his friendship, and not expect anything more? Could she figure out how he needed to be loved, on his terms, not overtly or in such a way as to embarrass his Jedi sensibilities?
When she had healed from her injuries sufficiently for boredom to drive her out of the apartment, Chloe decided it was time to find out.
The Temple switchboard confirmed Obi-Wan was on-planet, but they persistently put her on hold or cut her off completely when she asked to be put through to him, and he didn't seem to be answering his private com. Chloe knew he liked to take an early morning swim before breakfast most days, that he was at his most relaxed after exercise, and that he secretly enjoyed the indulgence of a leisurely breakfast. So, before she lost her nerve, she armed herself with a box of Dex's fresh muffins and the data jack that had got her into the Temple the very first day she'd met Obi-Wan, and she found her way to the door of his apartment, planning be there when he returned.
The moment he emerged from the lift, she knew something was not quite right.
"Hi," she said, uncertainly, holding up the box of muffins. "I wondered if you might be free for breakfast. I've got Dex's finest."
Obi-Wan didn't say anything, just waved open the door, holding out his arm to indicate she should go in, and remained silent until it had shut behind them. He looked tired, she realised, more so than when she had seen him last. Which wasn't good, given the circumstances.
"Chloe," he said, "you really shouldn't be here."
Okay, serious misjudgement. Fabulous. Great start, Chloe.
"No problem," she said, holding out her finger and swivelling until it pointed at the door. "I'll just be off."
"No, don't it's all right." He sighed. "I'll make some tea for with those."
Chloe sat stiffly on the very edge of the sofa. Obi-Wan, who had disappeared into the kitchen, emerged carrying a tray laden with tea things. She took a cup of near-boiling tea and balanced it in her hands. The box of muffins lay unopened on the table between them.
"You're about to go away?" She indicated the half-packed travel case by his bedroom door.
"Yes. Later today, as it happens."
"With Anakin?"
"No. It's not a mission." He studied his teacup.
"Sorry. None of my business."
"I'm going to Alderaan. It's a… personal matter."
Chloe was going to joke that she didn't realise Jedi were allowed personal matters, when she realised that they were. That she had been one, not so long ago. And Alderaan… that Sabé person lived there now, didn't she? She'd married and then divorced an Alderaanian nobleman.
The expression on her face. Those delicate, pale fingers, intertwined with Obi-Wan's…
But she was jumping to conclusions. Perhaps he merely wanted to confide in this woman. Chloe ignored the wrench in her chest and carefully sipped her tea. Friendship. She knew it would not be easy. But it meant she should be whatever he needed her to be. And he clearly didn't want to share this with her.
She stayed as short a time as possible without seeming impolite, wished him a pleasant trip, and made her excuses. He walked her to the door in silence. This was as close as she'd got to him since she'd been there and she studied his face, certain now that something was weighing heavily on his mind. Just a few weeks ago, she could have reached up and stroked the crease from his forehead. She ached to do that right now. Friendship, she told herself firmly. Friendship, and no more.
But Chloe was no Jedi. There was no rule saying she couldn't touch him. She reached out tentatively, then settled for resting her hand on his upper arm. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't intend to make you feel awkward. I just want to say, whatever 's bothering you… well, if you need someone to talk to… I mean you probably don't, but on the off chance that you do, when you get back, perhaps, I'll be here… or rather… somewhere else… like Dex's… which is a good place to go if you don't want to talk at all, and just eat instead. And don't worry, I don't expect anything else, what we had before… just… you know… friendship."
Convinced that was the most moronic speech of her life, Chloe met his eyes cautiously, finding, to her relief, a glimmer of humour there. "Thank you," he said, and she thought he was about to say something else, but when the silence stretched on the point of embarrassment, so she let go of his arm, gave him a last little nod of farewell, and left.
Chloe lay on the sofa, her head on a cushion, her feet on a stool, datapad propped on a tub of chocolate brownies which, in turn, was balanced on her stomach. She alternated her frown between the assignment on her screen and the news report splashing from the holonet projector. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine was delivering a morale-boosting speech praising the determination of the population and their bravery in living with a permanent threat of terror. He seemed a nice enough man, Chloe thought, grabbing the remote, although she couldn't help wondering whether people would be so terrified if he stopped reminding them about it all the kriffing time.
She flicked to the next channel and bit into a brownie. This one was more of a celebrity gossip channel than a news channel, really. She was about to change again when a subtitle flashed across the bottom of the projected image.
LADY SABE ESSARA TREATED FOR LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS
And there she was: Sabé Essara, elegant yet frail, smiling bravely for the cameras, her nurse by her side, helping to support her weight as she walked, arms linked, hands clasped, fingers intertwined.
Chloe sat up, the brownie dropping from her limp hand, her datapad following the rest of the cakes and the bowl to the floor.
Fingers intertwined.
No wonder she'd looked so delicate. Chloe smiled and then felt immediately guilty for doing so. The poor woman was ill. It was wrong to feel relieved, and happy.
Ecstatic, in fact.
Back on the news channel, the reporter was explaining that Lady Sabé would not be returning to Alderaan for the upcoming Solstice festival.
The Solstice Festival.
On Alderaan.
Of course, Alderaan! Why hadn't she remembered? Obi-Wan had been invited, hadn't he? He'd shown her the tickets, signed by Bail and Breha Organa. No. He'd given her the tickets, she still had them somewhere. They were supposed to be going together.
Chloe rushed to her room and searched through her desk drawer until she found the slim white envelope, tucked carefully inside her box of family holoimages and flimsiplast letters from her father. Swallowing her distaste, she shoved the box back in the drawer and went back to the living room. Carefully, she took out the invitations, running her fingerstips lightly over the elegant script.
So is that why Obi-Wan had gone to Alderaan? To attend the ball? And if so, why hadn't he told her? Did he feel awkward about having asked her? Surely not. But if he wasn't going to visit Sabé, what was this elusive personal matter? Was it another woman, someone he'd met since their split? And why did Chloe suddenly feel like she should already know?
Unsettled, she put the papers down on the table and bent to pick the scattered cakes from the floor. A glimmer of metal caught her eye. In her haste she must have dropped her comlink too. She picked it up and set it down next to the invitations. Then she stared at it.
She knew who would be most likely to be able to answer her questions about Obi-Wan. Someone she'd been meaning to call for a while. Someone who had called her, just before the bomb had gone off at Dex's. She couldn't remember the reason for his call. Perhaps it was time to catch up.
But he was a busy man, just like his Master.
Perhaps she should mind her own business and just go out for more cake. Or perhaps…
She snatched up the comlink, and dialled Anakin's ID.
To her relief, he answered after only a few seconds.
"Hey Chloe."
"Hi Anakin, are you busy? Can you talk for a minute? It's about Obi-Wan."
There was a slight chuckle. "Oh, well, that case, yes, of course."
"I was just… erm, just wondering if you knew why he'd gone to Alderaan."
"He didn't tell you?"
"No. It's a kind of a complicated story. Has he gone for the Solstice Ball?"
"I'm not sure about that. I know he's accepted an invitation from Senator Organa but I think all he intends to do is find some remote place to be alone and meditate."
"Oh. So he's not met, erm… someone else?"
"No, no, not at all."
Chloe tried to ignore the surge of happiness and relief that threatened to make her voice tremble. "But you know how private he is," she said, quietly. "Perhaps he just didn't mention it to you."
"No, I can safely say he isn't interested in anyone else."
"Why?"
"Because he's preparing to take the celibacy vow."
"He's what? Why?"
"To appease the Council. And, I suspect, so no one else can break his heart."
"Who broke his heart?"
"Who do you think, Chloe?"
She was about to say Sabé Essara, but then she realised what Anakin was implying. She laughed. "We are talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi, aren't we? You're not confusing him with someone else?"
"I'm serious."
"He told you I broke his heart?"
"No, not in so many words, but I know him, Chloe, better even than you, it seems. You never realised, then?
"Realised what?"
"How he felt about you."
"Well… I… "
"Let me guess," Anakin went on, "he never told you how he took responsibility for you coming to Tatooine with me, and pleaded your case with the Council so you could leave with a clear record and your future career intact?"
It took a great deal of effort to prevent the comlink slipping from her hand. "Oh. No."
"Or how Mace—I mean Master Windu—accused Obi-Wan of abandoning his post to come and rescue you from Dooku?"
"No! Did he? Abandon his post, I mean?"
"No, well not really. He did the right thing – exactly what he'd have done for me, or for anyone in trouble, and I told him that, and I think Master Yoda did too."
Chloe rubbed her forehead with her free hand. "So, let me try and understand this. He's gone to Alderaan because of the Council? Or because of me?"
"Both, I think. He let slip something about a period of contemplation and meditation being required before the pledging ceremony, and I got the truth out of him about preparing for the celibacy vow. But when I mentioned you, he made it quite clear the conversation was over. Told me to mind my own business."
"I never realised," she said quietly. "I never knew. Why didn't he tell me any of this?"
"Chloe. Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Sure."
"Do you love him?"
She shouldn't admit it. But it would be such a relief to confide in Anakin.
"Chloe?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
"Did you ever tell him?"
"No."
"Are you prepared to put what's best for him before what's best for you?"
"Yes."
She waited, heavy-hearted, for what she knew Anakin was about to say. Then let him go. Forget about him. Get on with your life, and let him get on with his.
But what he actually said was, "Then go to him, now, while he's away from the Temple, away from the war. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. And make him talk to you."
"Are you sure he'll want to see me?"
"I don't think he knows what he wants. But I think talking to you is the only way he's going to find out."
Chloe opened the door of her apartment and rushed straight into Matty.
"Hi," she said, then frowned, glancing down to Chloe's feet. "Oh, are you okay? You look kind of flushed. Where are you rushing off to with mismatching shoes and no coat?"
"Alderaan."
"Erm… let me guess. This has something to do with Obi-Wan Kenobi, doesn't it?"
"I don't want you to talk me out of this Matty. You were wrong about him. I'm sorry, but you were."
"Okay, but perhaps you can tell me about it before you head off to the spaceport? Seeing as I'm your best friend and I've known you for six and a half years and all. You never know, I might just have your best interests at heart."
Chloe's shoulders slumped. "Sorry, Matty. It's just… I really need to talk to him."
"C'mon, let's go inside. I'll make you a drink, and I'll help you pack properly. The city of Aldera's cold at this time of year. A sweater or two might be a good idea."
Chloe allowed herself to be led across to the sofa.
Matty made the coffee, and set two steaming mugs down on the table. "So. What's going on?"
Chloe bit her lip, trying to gather her thoughts.
"Or you could tell me to mind my own business."
"No. It's not that. I just… well I can't tell you without telling you things that I'm not supposed to tell you."
"Then erase my memory at the end."
"Don't joke, Matty! My career would be over if I was accused of breaking secrecy laws."
"Sorry, love. Look, just tell me as little as you can get away with, mention no names or places, let me work it out for myself and you won't have technically broken any law."
"Really?"
"Sure. How else do you think journalists get their information from reputable sources?"
"But you have to promise this goes no further."
"Of course. I swear."
So Chloe told Matty everything. Well, nearly everything. She did not name Terminus or Tatooine, Nelvaan, or even her father. But when she said "someone dear to me," and recalled Obi-Wan recognising the photo in her room, Matty nodded, wide-eyed, realising exactly who she meant. She told Matty about her arguments with Obi-Wan: in the hangar of the space station and back at the Temple, and she recalled her capture by "an important Separatist," and how he had concealed what had happened all those years ago. She told Matty how Obi-Wan had admitted he could not bear telling her the truth because he knew it would hurt her. She recalled the story about Sabé Essara, ill and frail, on the news. And finally, she recounted everything Anakin had just told her, about Obi-Wan, and the Council, and the celibacy vow, and how she should go to Alderaan to tell him the truth.
"I love him, Matty. I can't stop."
Matty said nothing. She carefully put her still-full cup of cold coffee down on the table.
"Well?" said Chloe, unable to recall the last time her friend had been lost for words. "What do you think?"
When Matty looked up, her eyes were wet with tears. "Chloe. I'm so sorry."
"What? Why?"
"For being wrong. For being overprotective. For being blind."
"It's not your fault; you didn't know half of what was going on."
"I just wish I'd seen it. I should have seen it."
"Seen what?"
"Dex saw it. Anakin saw it. Even Count-freaking-Dooku saw it."
"It?"
"Oh, Gods, well that makes me feel a little bit better."
"Now you're making no sense at all."
"He loves you, Chloe! Obi-Wan loves you. Is in love with you."
"But he's not allowed—"
"Irrelevant! He loves you, why else would he act they way he has?"
"Well… I… but…" the idea settled over Chloe slowly, like a dress that fitted so perfectly, it could never really exist.
"One hundred percent certain, my love."
"Matty! Don't cry!"
"I can't help it. I'm so happy for you."
"But he's not allowed attachments. He's not allowed to be in love with me. That's why he's taking the celibacy vow."
"Are you sure? What if he's taking it because he doesn't want to be hurt again? Because you never told him how you felt?"
"Even if you're right, he's hardly going to leave the Jedi Order for me."
"Who said anything about leaving the Order?"
"Well, according to Anakin, the Council thought he'd abandoned his post to rescue me, remember? That doesn't exactly sound like a glowing endorsement."
"Mace Windu, I thought you said. One man, a Jedi Council does not make."
"I suppose… He did tell me once, you know, that the Code does not forbid love."
Matty sat up straight. "Tell me exactly what he said."
"Something like… Jedi are not forbidden from love, but that they have to understand their feelings and deal with them, so they can set them aside when the situation dictates."
Matty beamed. "Then there's your answer. You follow the boy's advice, clever Padawan that he is. You go to Obi-Wan, spend a good few nights dealing with your feelings together, and then you'll both feel much better."
Chloe smiled. "Right, well, that's what I was about to do, remember."
"Then don't let me stop you! Come on, let's get you a bag packed."
In Chloe's room, Matty selected clothes from the closet while Chloe haphazardly folded and tossed them into her old, tattered travel case.
When Chloe had done fastening up the case, Matty hugged her. "I'm so sorry, love. I keep going over those times in my head, you know, when I kept having a go at him."
"Don't worry, you were just trying to be objective," Chloe said, hugging her back. "I would have done the same for you. And Obi-Wan is hardly a typical man."
"Perhaps you could apologise to him for me."
Chloe grinned, setting off for the living room. "No chance."
Matty looked confused. "What?"
Chloe returned, waving the two invitations to the Solstice Ball. "You can tell him yourself. You're coming with me, missy."
A/N:
Sorry for the delay between chapters! I had hoped to get the whole story posted before the holidays, but it's just a crazy busy time of year for me. Not so much more to go now though. Once I've finished writing perhaps I can actually get around to replying to your comments! Thanks for reading, everyone!