all we are

.

He'd bought a plane ticket to Philadelphia just so that he could go to her gate and spend as much time with her as possible. It cost almost four hundred dollars and had been worth every penny. Given the over the top security restrictions he'd damn near gotten pulled aside by the TSA simply because he was "travelling" without so much as a carry on, a flash of their badges, however, and a quick side conversation got the gung ho idiots to back down and allow Darien by to spend a just a few more minutes with his friend.

Friend. So not the word he wanted to label their relationship with, but the only one he would permit himself at the moment. Yeah, they'd had incredible sex just this morning, but it had most certainly been a good-bye fuck on her part. Her plans had never wavered and he and Hobbes had spent a fair part of the week helping her pack and arrange shipment for those things she would not do without. Not that there was much, she'd left most everything behind including all the furniture, her new place in DC already kit out with the works.

She pulled a set of keys out of her pocket and handed them to him.

"Um, aren't these your apartment keys?" he asked as he gingerly took them from her.

"Your apartment," she told him quietly, turning away to stare out the window and the lovely view of airfield tarmac.

"Alyx, I can't do that-"

"Yes, you can. I own the place and have no plans to sell right now. It's yours for the duration."

He slid the keys between his fingers, the keyring simple and understated, just like her. "Baby, I... I don't know what to say," he told her, ducking his head down in embarrassment. He had hoped to move in with her, once she'd said yes to his marriage proposal, instead they'd gone their separate ways for over six months. So, why... why did he want to practically crumple in tears at the thought of moving in alone? Maybe it was the alone part that bothered him. Maybe it was simply the thoughtfulness of a friend, who knew he would miss her terribly until they, hopefully, had the chance to get together again.

Sadly, she was moving on, while he was holding on. He shouldn't, but he couldn't seem to help himself.

"Darien, yes, I'm moving away, but I'm not moving on... not from us, anyway." She shook her head and turned to give him a tiny smile. "I told you we would stay in contact. I can make that a promise if you wish."

He reached out and set a hand on her arm. "No, I won't have you make promises you might not be able to keep." He waggled the keys at her. "Thanks for this, I might never have left that rat trap of mine otherwise."

She chuckled. "Yes, you would have, besides I do have ulterior motives here. I'd prefer a familiar place to crash on those occasions I'm in town."

While he'd been hoping she'd want to see him should she happen to visit San Diego, he certainly didn't expect it. Especially not after everything he had put her through. "Alyx, I'm not stupid. Whatever you are going to be doing is going to keep you busy and the last thing on your mind should be me."

She smiled brightly then leaned over to kiss him. "You are never the last thing on my mind, and believe me even at the height of your... displeasure with me I tried very hard to block you out, but I have no control over it and you, most certainly, made every effort to use it to your advantage."

Darien found it so very hard to believe that she had forgiven him so easily. She had the ability to hold onto a grudge for a very long time and had. And yet... yet in less than a week she'd gone from frightfully angry to completely calm and understanding. It made no logical sense. Hell, it made no emotional sense.

"Alyx, you don't have to pretend just to make this easier on me. You have every right to still feel hurt and angry." He turned away, taking a few moments to watch the other travelers milling nearby, all of them waiting to be someplace else, someplace that wasn't here. "It might be for the best that you're leaving; it'll give you a chance to really forgive me."

She sighed, one hand coming up to rub her forehead. "D, I'm not pretending... precisely, but, you are right, forgiving doesn't come easy for me and... and I'm going to be even more gun shy than before when it comes to us."

He nodded, knowing this was the truth finally. Not that she'd been lying, per se, but she'd been carefully crafting her emotional response to him since that night when he'd finally screwed up the courage to actually apologize to her. "Alyx I'm sorry... and I know those lame-ass words will never be enough to make up for the last six months, but I want... need to try." He cautiously met her eyes, feeling that sharp tug on his chest that happened just to remind him that he was still head over heels crazy in love with the woman before him.

She shifted and leaned forward, her head coming to rest on his shoulder even as he curled a hand up about the back of her neck, the comfort needed even as it again reminded him of how much he had lost by walking away from her.

"I hurt, Darien, and it's not easy for me to let go, but I'm gonna try. I never didn't want to be with you, but you were so angry I had to get away, being here, so close to your pain just twisted me up too damn much." Words she hadn't managed to say to him in the last week. Her sole long-term relationship - marriage to Jess - had been horribly damaging to her, and he had known that, yet he, like the fool he was, had simply added to it. Which meant it would be even harder for her to let it go for she now knew exactly how badly he could hurt her and that he was more than willing to do so should he have reason enough to. "And then you go and decide to change the rules again." She sat up, meeting his eyes with pain and confusion buried in hers. "I damn near got whiplash with how quickly the hate turned back into... into..."

"Love," Darien finished, still not quite understanding her unwillingness to use that particular all-important word. "I guess there really is a very fine line between the two."

She laughed softly, even though it really wasn't funny at all.

"It's not too little too late is it?" he questioned needing to know the answer before he spent the next several months pining away without her.

She shook her head. "No, it's not, but I've committed to this transfer and... and it will get me one step closer to the influence I really need to-" Her mouth snapped shut as if she had suddenly realized she had nearly spilled the beans, though on what he had no idea.

"You have plans and the Agency was holding you back." Obvious in retrospect, but not something he'd ever wondered about when they had been together. "And once I started being an idiot there was no real reason for you to stay."

She turned her head away for a long moment before responding. "Yes."

The cogs began turning in his brain as realization sank in. He had been the reason she'd chosen to remain in San Diego when given the option to return to her family. She hadn't stayed because of the deal with the Official to protect her kids, or some visceral need to use her abilities for the greater good, no she'd stayed because she wanted to be with him and just a couple short months later he'd thrown that back in her face and all because he couldn't understand why she wouldn't marry him.

Ye gods he had to be the greatest fool on the planet. "So what now? I mean I can get with the friends with benefits program, but that's not what I want and it's not what you need."

"D, so long as you are happy and not so viciously angry with me I'll be fine. And that includes you finding someone else, be it short term or permanent."

That hadn't been his intent, but between the 'Fish sending him on seduction jobs and the preference for having sex on a regular basis, would probably be inevitable. He would be cranky and miserable celibate. "Were you... did you have a relationship while we were..." He trailed off not really certain he wanted to know the answer.

Alyx had clearly decided to no longer pull her punches when it came to them and reality. "No, no relationships, but did I have sex? When needed to complete the job, yes. Did I enjoy it? Usually. Was it anything like when we're together? Oh hell no. I'd've been locked in a cage more than once had my gifts become known to these guys. You, dearheart, are the only one I have no control with."

He did his best to hide the grin that wanted to spread across his face. She had told him that before, but he still found it hard to believe, and, granted, it made sex with her incredible and what he craved even when in the midst of the act with another. While the sex had often been good, it had never been the same and he had always known it never would be. Alyx had been right, no matter who else he slept with he'd always wanted it to be her.

Fine line between love and hate, indeed.

He scratched the back of his head, not certain where this left them. "So what does that make us? Are we... are we still broken?" As soon as he asked the question he knew the answer, they very much were, but the effort to mend had begun. One day they would not be quite so broken, and on another they would have healed this particular rift and moved on, just as life often did. He could only hope they'd would be moving on together.

The wan smile answered his question even before she spoke. "Yeah, we are, but at least we have the chance to get better."

"But how with you leaving?"

She shrugged. "We'll have to figure that out, I suppose." When he pouted, brow furrowing in his confusion and unhappiness she added, "D, this job I'm taking is a minimum of a two year commitment and will probably take longer and, yes, it's a big deal and something I want to do, though not just to get away from here. There are several overriding reasons I took this position."

"But you won't tell me what it is?"

" 'Cause I'm under direct orders not to." She knuckled one eye. "I tell you, you tell someone, they tell someone else and it screws everything up."

"What? Is this some internal affairs thing?"

She quirked an eyebrow as her response.

"Oh... Oh," he said as he got what she couldn't say. "And you think the Agency could come under investigation?"

She pointedly did not say anything and that was answer enough.

"Okay, my lips will stay zipped, just... just give me a heads up if me and Hobbesy should run for the hills, please?"

She nodded. "That I can do, though if it does come to that take Claire on vacation with you, understood?"

Oh, yeah, he understood. If they had to run it would be for the hills, probably literally, and since the gland would most likely still be in his head, having the good Keeper along would be not only wise, but necessary. A red or silver-eyed madman on the loose would give the game away quickly no matter how far from the Agency they ran. And it wasn't like the Agency would be the only party interested in acquiring him and the tech in his head. "Will it come to that?"

She shrugged. "I have no idea, this... investigation is in the early stages yet, we have no clue where the tangled lines will lead."

"And you volunteered for this?"

She nodded. "I think some of the mess will tie back to the agency my... Jess worked for."

Ah. Now that made sense. While lots of people, companies, agencies wanted a piece of her, only that mystery agency her husband had worked for claimed to own her, lock, stock and genetic material. If she could put them out of business, she and her kids would be lots safer. "If you need anything, and I mean anything, I want you to call. Hell, I'll be your Agency spy if that what it takes for you to resolve this... this... whatever it is successfully."

She grinned at him. "Thank you. I-"

Her words were interrupted by the announcement for boarding for her flight.

"And that is your cue to go," he said as he got to his feet and held out an unneeded hand to help her stand.

She took that help and smiled up at him, hands now twined together. "I'll call once I'm settled."

He shook his head. "You don't need to, I'm a big boy, I'll manage."

She patted his cheek. "I am aware. Maybe I just want to hear your voice."

He laughed softly, then leaned down to kiss her. "I am going to miss you very much, but I understand why you need to leave. Just... just take care of yourself so's I don't have to fly across country to save your ass."

"I'll do my best," she told him, eyes sparking in merriment. "Come on, you can deliver me to my ride."

He did, walking with her over to the line of passengers all gathering to enter the tunnel and the plane that waited at the far end. Alyx went straight to the front, others frowning until she produced the first class ticket from her bag. She stole one last kiss and with a pat on his arm walked away without a backward glance.

Darien stepped aside, allowing the other passengers to board and walked over to the nearest window with a view of the aircraft. There he waited, watched as the tunnel pulled back, the plane taxi away, and eventually launch itself into the sky.

Still, it was quite some time before he turned away to head for his sure to feel emptier than usual apartment.