different

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The phone rang, dragging him up out a slumber he had only recently achieved thanks to a late night jaunt, a work-related jaunt admittedly, but one that had to be completed during the wee hours of the morning to insure success, which had been had. Hobbes more than satisfied with results of their mission. To the point he'd told Fawkes to sleep in and that he'd turn the files, all on one jump drive, over to the Official bright and early.

So the phone ringing caused more than a little irritation to be in his voice when he finally chose to answer.

"What?" he growled, certain it had to be Hobbes calling him.

"Well, hello to you too," said a soft voice, a very familiar voice, and one he hadn't been expecting to hear.

"Alyx?" He rolled over and opened one eye to glare at the clock mounted in the headboard of the huge bed. Yeah, he'd taken her up on her offer and now lived in her former apartment.

"Yes, late night?"

"Darlin', it's still night here." Okay, so early morning if you wanted to get picky, but false dawn remained some time away.

"Crap. Sorry, forgot to take the time difference into account, it's mid-morning here. I'll call back later."

He woke up at those words. "No need, sweets, you I don't mind waking me up. Where the hell are you?" It would be just about dawn on the east coast, so if it were mid-morning she must been somewhere in Europe.

She laughed. "That, my dear, is need to know. I was hoping to stop by, I'll be in your end of the planet for a few days."

He had to be amused by her phrasing and her subtle way of saying her current job required around the world travel, which meant not the FBI or any other homebound agency. Maybe CIA or NSA, or even some new special agency/task force cobbled together just for this investigation. He hadn't asked, no matter how much he wanted to, and she hadn't told. "I've told you before, you can stop by anytime you like."

She laughed, and it sent a thrill through him. She was coming to town and he would get to see her in person for the first time in months. The best they'd managed prior to this had been a couple video chats, other than that texts had been their main form of communication, which, while better than nothing, remained far from enough. And while he'd taken her openness to pursue other relationships to heart, he'd not found anyone he had been even marginally interested in. So, yeah, he'd been on a few dates, had some fun at bars he liked to hang out at, but hadn't taken home anyone. He doubted he would have even if he'd been desperately horny as he had decided to not do anything to hurt Alyx ever again, and no matter what she said, if he had a dalliance other than for work, she would know and it would hurt her. He wanted her back and would make every effort to not screw it up.

"I'll call when I get in, we'll go to dinner. My treat."

"We'll order in, my treat." Yes, nothing more than an excuse to have her alone with him and the hoped for opportunity for wild, sweat-drenched sex. "Can... can I let Hobbesy know you'll be in town?"

"Certainly, I plan on taking him to lunch as well." She chuckled softly. "This is a personal trip not business. Even I deserve a day off now and then."

"Yes, you do." He yawned then, the sound surely transmitting across the distance. "Sorry."

"No need to be, bub, I was the idiot who failed to add up time zones correctly. Get some sleep, with me on a different clock I'll be keeping you up well past even your bedtime once I'm there."

He laughed. "I hope so. See you soon."

"You will," she assured him, then hung up at her end.

He sighed and set his phone back down on the headboard the blue numbers on the clock telling him a mere five minutes had passed. Five minutes that had changed his plans for the rest of the week.

With a smile on his face he shifted until comfortable and allowed his weary body to fall back into slumber where the dreams were sure to be most pleasant.

. . .

He lay there panting, staring blindly at the wooden canopy above him, trying to not allow the Quicksilver to flow anymore than it already had. It wasn't like he'd have access to Counteragent until the morning and Claire would surely question the need, not that she wasn't permitted to know Alyx was in town, Darien just didn't want to have to explain it was due to the sex being that mind-blowingly good.

"Damn, girl, where did you learn that?"

She laughed, still sitting astride him, cocked her head to the side and said, "A brothel in Italy." She leaned forward and patted him on the cheek. " 'Sides you weren't so bad yourself."

He growled softly, grasping her hand and tugging until their faces were mere inches apart. Raising his head the short distance he kissed her, causing her to sigh softly. "I was awesome," he informed her when he pulled back, tucking both hands behind his head and gazing up at her smugly.

"Eh, I've had better," she replied as she sat back up.

"Alyx," he laughed, certain that the better was him, "you so have not."

She shrugged a hint of a grin on her lips.

This caused Darien's confidence, what little there was of it, to slip away like water down a drain. Just because he hadn't been seeing anyone else didn't mean she hadn't. This had always been an issue between them, even if she did not realize it. She... she was too good for him, better than him in so many ways and deserving of someone far better than he could ever hope to be, and he had tried, tried so hard to be better, to be a man worthy of her and still he failed time and time again. Maybe... maybe it was time to let her go, no matter how much he did not want to. No matter how much it would hurt him. He would simply hold her back.

He swallowed hard, the smile long gone from his lips, as he turned away from her, not wanting to admit aloud the realization he'd just come to. This time, however, he would be walking away for all the right reasons.

"D?" she questioned, the humor in her voice having turned to confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really."

She poked him on the forehead, her nail bit in hard enough to actually hurt. "Liar." The she leaned down to kiss the spot, her lips lingering for a long moment, causing him to sigh softly. "Why is this so hard for you?" she whispered, her words echoing in his mind, curling up inside with a feeling of comfort and concern.

He wished he knew how to answer that. How do you tell someone you want to break up with them so they would have the chance to truly be happy. Shit. She would understand since this was how she had treated him and their relationship from day one. But she had conditions: if it would make him happy.

And he would be forced to reluctantly admit that he would not. However, this would be for her benefit and not his. So, would she be happy should he walk away? He had to admit that he didn't know that answer to that particular question and was more than a touch fearful to ask, and not solely because he could lose her... and not just for a few months, but forever.

After everything they'd been through he'd made every effort to be straight with her about everything. Well, everything that wasn't need-to-know work related. The truth, what little of their lives actually existed in that fairy tale realm, had become of the utmost importance to him.

"I... I want you to be happy, I'm just not certain it can be with me," he whispered hoarsely. Man, that had been hard to admit, but it needed to be done. She needed the opportunity to walk away without feeling guilty. Heart lodged firmly in his throat he waited for her to say something... anything.

"Are you breaking up with me?" she asked sounding as confused as she looked.

He sighed and shook his head. "No, I'm letting you go. That's not the same."

"Letting me..." She rolled away ending up on the far side of the bed on her back, staring up at the canopy with it's celtic designs, that he'd had painted once the bed had become his, blues and greens and yellows to contrast with the dark-stained wood. "Do you want me to... go?"

There was something in her voice, a tightness, a rawness, a deep pain that she feared sharing and he knew that he had put it there. But this time his intention wasn't to hurt her, but free her, to allow her the opportunity to be everything she could be without having to worry about the albatross hanging about her neck that he believed he had become.

He rolled onto his side and reached out to her, knuckles rubbing along her cheek. "No, I don't, but that doesn't mean I should hold you back."

"Hold me back? In what way are you holding me back?"

He closed his eyes for a long moment. "You've got this new job, a chance to be with your kids again, hell, working with your brother and I just keep dragging you back here, the place you wanted to get away from.

"I came of my own free will and intend to do so again... Intended to anyway, I'm guessing you'd prefer if I didn't." He could feel that it took an act of will for her to not pull away. Her control had improved so much that if he hadn't been touching her he would have had no clue about how hurt and rejected she felt.

He grasped one of her hands and pulled it up to his lips to kiss her fingers gently. "I am not rejecting you, I love you, but loving someone means doing the right thing... no matter how much it hurts." He kissed the back of her hand, wishing he never had to stop. "You taught me that."

"Looks like I need to teach you the proper time to use that lesson," she grumbled, clearly unhappy. "What's the real reason, Darien? You've been waiting impatiently for me to come visit and now you're telling me to never come back again? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing, I swear it."

"Then why?"

For an instant he was tempted to leave her stranded at sea, not able to understand and unable to comprehend why they were falling apart from each other - just as he had felt when she had refused to marry him. But the instant passed and he sighed heavily, one hand rubbing his face as he tried to put the confused emotions into coherent words. "Because..." He turned away, staring out across into the inky darkness of the room. "Because you deserve better." He shut his eyes then, wanting nothing more than to remember how she looked right now since once this conversation was over he would no longer have her as his own. "Better than a thief and a con-man who is too stupid to realize the truth before someone gets hurt." He felt her fingers on his jaw, allowed her to turn his head and opened his eyes to meet hers. "That's why."

"Don't you think I can decide what I deserve?" she questioned, her tone as serious as her look.

"It's not that, it's... it's more that I basically forced you into this relationship, one that you never really wanted. And... and I know you can do better," he finished, getting the words out as fast as he could to prevent her from interrupting.

She sighed heavily, her touch revealing the conflicted emotions rolling through her; part of her wanting to berate him for being an idiot, part of her wanting to growl and stalk away in frustration, part wanting to pull him close and hold on tight, but none of her agreed with his words. She did not believe she could do better and that... that was the crux of the problem. He could see it where she could not.

"You think you're not good enough for me? Me? Who, if you want to get nitpicky, is an adulterer and walked away from her children as if they meant nothing to her. In some people's opinion's that's worse than being a thief."

"Alyx-"

She shook her head silencing him. "You truly believe you are not worthy of me."

A statement and not a question, but he nodded in agreement anyway. "Then change that."

He blinked. "Uh, what?"

She smiled, the corners of her lips curling up every so slightly. "How would you feel worthy of me?"

What a question. And more, one he'd never thought to ask himself. "I... I don't know."

"Silly," she said, one finger tapping him on the nose. "Yet you think I deserve someone better. Why can't you be that person?"

"Uh, because I'm not?" He had no clue where she was going with this, but he could safely say he was heading towards the land of deeply confused.

"Not now, obviously, but you could be... if you wanted to." She shook her head at his blank look. "Please keep in mind that this is your issue not mine, and maybe if you can't see the answer it could be because you really do not want to be in this relationship. Not sewn enough wild oats, yet?"

"What? No? I want to be with you, I... I just don't think-"

She laughed bitterly. "Clearly not." She rolled away, sitting up on the edge of the bed, looking about for her clothes, which were strewn across the apartment floor, not a single stitch anywhere near the bed. She tugged the top sheet loose and wrapped it about herself as she stood. "Do you really hate me this much?" she asked at a bare whisper.

He reached for her, but she adroitly stepped away, leaving his hand to hang in the air for a long moment before he let it drop onto the bed. "I don't hate you and I am not angry with you and you did nothing wrong other than give me another chance I don't deserve."

"Then why did you practically beg me for it?" she snapped, frustration evident in her tone and the tense muscles of her back. She hadn't moved more than a few steps out of reach, close enough for him to see, but not to touch. An intentional move on her part, he was certain, but a good one. It forced him to make a decision, go after her or let her go. The right thing to do would be to let her go, but what he wanted, what he needed was her, so he threw off the remaining covers and moved quickly to her, setting a single hand upon her back. He didn't say a word, the muscles trembling beneath his palm.

"Because I also can't let you go," he finally told her. "I've never been good at doing the right thing," he groused, more at himself than anything, though it was true enough.

"Yet, you still don't feel you are good enough to be with me?" she asked, voice tight.

He could feel she wanted to step away, but his hand still upon her kept her from moving. "We're still broken, remember? Just in more ways than one I suppose. Don't you ever have second... third thoughts about... us?"

She shook her head. "No. Once I committed to us there was no going back."

He hadn't realized that. He'd walked away and she had still hung on, hoping for the day he'd stop being a royal fuck up. "You are too good for me."

She growled softly and spun about. "So change that."

"How?" he asked, not wanting to rehash the same argument again.

She turned about, one hand coming up to rub her forehead, the other holding the sheet firmly in place, while he stood there naked and, now, slightly uncomfortable at that fact. "We jumped into this both times. Maybe... maybe we just need to take a step back."

Finally, she agreed with him. "How far back?"

"You think you're not good enough for me? Prove to yourself you are."

Uh... Now that had not been part of the plan, especially for a plan as unformed as this one had been. "So, what? We date or something?"

She nodded. "If that's what you would like."

He shook his head and stepped away, not certain he understood what she meant. He didn't want to give her up, she didn't want him to let her go even though it would be the smart... the right thing to do for her, but she wanted to step back? Wasn't that the same thing as dumping him, but being more polite about it? "Kinda hard to date when we're a couple thousand miles apart, ain't it?"

She shrugged. "You're the one having issues with us, not me." She cocked her head to the side. "When you were with Casey, did you date or jump right into bed?"

Darien tried to hide the twitch but failed miserably based on the look on her face. "We dated for months before we... we slept together." No reason to be embarrassed about it, Alyx might not know all the details, but she wasn't a fool, she knew he had loved Casey and if things had gone differently might still have been with her today, which would have made this entire conversation moot, but her point had been made.

Casey had no clue who he really was. In fact, he'd made every effort to hide it from her, which was part of the reason why they had dated so long before falling into bed. And when she had discovered the truth, she had walked away, not able to accept him for who he truly was. Yeah, he had lied about parts of his life, but he had never lied about how he'd felt about her. He had loved Casey, still loved her in some ways, but those feelings had been overshadowed by Alyx and her complete and total capture of his heart and soul.

He had never really felt worthy of Casey because of his lies and deceptions, so why did he feel the same for Alyx who had always known the truth? She was right, the issue was all his, as she had never had a problem with who or what he was. She took the good and the bad and just accepted it, accepted him and for all that he appreciated it, he still found it difficult to comprehend.

"So, didn't we... kinda."

"Emphasis on kinda. We also didn't exactly date. We got thrown together and... and you wanted me from the first moment." She gave him a wan smile. "Even though you were more than a touched freaked at falling for someone you thought was a child."

Darien felt heat rise to his cheeks. He hadn't realized until this moment that she knew that. He'd never told her, but given her control had been shaky at best and downright nonexistent at worst, it was little wonder that she knew the truth, more that she had kept it to herself all this time. "Wasn't like I believed in love at first sight."

"Wasn't like you wanted to be in love, not so soon after Casey."

"True 'nuff." This turn in their discussion did nothing to solve the problem at hand. It caused more, truth be told, as it made him aware that she had known for a very long time how he felt about her. Yeah, he'd denied it, tried to convince himself that it couldn't be possible, that he had not fallen for this child-like woman after one look into her eyes, and yet... yet that is exactly what had happened, and his denials, no matter how justified, would change nothing.

The heart wanted what the heart wanted. And after a time far more than his heart had been attracted to her.

And the further he fell, the harder she had tried to push him away until she'd been sent away, then and only then had she given in and finally admitted that she cared about him. The one time they had tried to date, he had fucked it up by being an overbearing jealous bear and damn near screwing up the case they had been working on.

After surviving a misogynistic, abusive husband it was little wonder she'd wanted no part of dealing with his jealousy issues and had taken the step back then. He had made every effort to curb those tendencies, but hadn't always succeeded. And the opposite hadn't worked either; sleeping with all those women hadn't caused any reaction beyond her wanting to be as far away as possible from him and his trysts.

"Darien, I'm not trying to make you do anything here. I am content with the way things stand now. It's not optimal, but until this job is complete we can't do much else." She sat down on the sofa and looked up at him, standing there naked and probably looking confused and uncertain.

No, it definitely wasn't optimal, but it was all they had. "Why can't I let you go?" he asked of the air about him.

"Probably for the same reason I am unable to do the same. Too bad we both have this deep-seated fear of being hurt. I wouldn't leave because of it and you still fear I will. Do you really think they all left because you did something wrong?"

Christ, that question hit far too close to the mark and left him feeling far more naked and vulnerable than he already was. "What else could it be? It wasn't because I didn't love them enough." He hadn't planned on responding, but the words slipped out before he could prevent them.

"Ah, D, I'm so sorry. I thought that if I left, you would hurt less. I never intended to cause you more pain."

He hadn't thought she had noticed. She had gone blithely about her business and kept her nose far out of his. Understandable, given he had appeared to want nothing to do with her and had used the mental connection between them to cause her as much pain and discomfort as possible.

But they knew all this and discussing the past to death did nothing to get them to their future. He went to her, cupping her chin with his fingers. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I fucked us up and... and apparently it's not going to be easy putting this Humpty back together again." He gave her a tiny smile, which she returned. "Maybe a step back is the right way to go. We need to learn who we are again. Need a chance to let go of the hurt we both still feel."

She nodded. "Okay." Then she got to her feet, went on her tiptoes to kiss him then stepped away, walking about the room to gather up her clothes, which she took into the bathroom with her.

Feeling like an idiot standing there naked in front of his floor to ceiling windows, he went hunting for, found, and pulled on his pants, not having a clue what would be happening next.

Next was her coming out of the bathroom fully dressed, sans shoes to head straight for her suitcase.

"Alyx?" He knew he sounded pitiful and confused, but it had not been his intent to chase her away. He still needed her.

"I'm checking into a hotel," she told him. "If this is going to work, we need to put space between us. We're good at the sex, but we need to work on us."

Sadly, she wasn't wrong. The sex was beyond amazing, but them still remained cracked and broken. "Can we still see each other?"

"Of course," she assured him. "I'll let you know where I'm staying and you can take me to dinner."

"A date?"

She laughed. "Seems to be the place to start. You know, like normal people?" She moved closer to him, one hand coming to rest on his forearm. "I'm not giving up and I'm not running away, just changing the perspective, no more no less."

Her touch allowed him to feel that she meant every word, and that she had her own misgivings about leaving, but it was also clear that she intended to. "Alyx, I get it and it's worth a try, 'cause I won't lose you, even if I am being an idiot trying to push you away. I had... have the best of intentions."

She sighed softly. "I know you do, but letting me go won't make me happy, just to put that out there."

"Being with me isn't doing it either," he pointed out, certain it was the truth.

"It's still better than being without you. It's difficult to forgive when you can't forget," she told him, voice soft. She didn't want to hold onto the hurt and pain, but she had no real way to let it go either. Best they could hope for would be to dull the pain of those old memories with new ones, new good ones, but it was turning out to be harder than he had anticipated.

He cupped her face in his hands, burying his fingers in the bright coils of hair. "I love you, Alyx," he told her in no uncertain terms and then kissed her, making every effort to put all he felt into the kiss so that she would hopefully believe him this time.

He pulled away first, to rest his forehead against hers. "I know you do, bub. That has never been the issue." She kissed him on the cheek and stepped back. "I'll call you."

And with that she slid open the door and left.