burning bridges

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Darien had gone full out for this... date. They hadn't had a lot of time for romancing the first time they'd gotten together, the exact opposite, in fact, so he'd decided what the hell and went for it. She'd been beautifully stunned when she'd walked in the door to discover the candles and flowers and wine and food he'd purchased just for tonight.

"You didn't have to do all this. Cold pizza would have been just fine with me," she told him as she bit into another slice of the tender-enough-to-cut-with-her-fork steak. The wine and mushroom reduction had been her contribution and he had to admit it was far better than he could have done. He was a decent cook, but she was amazing, though he got the impression she hadn't had a whole lot of time to use her culinary skills as of late. The job, the special assignment taking up the majority of her time.

He shrugged. "I wanted to, so stop complaining about it," he said around a grin. He could feel that she appreciated all the effort he'd gone to and that it had touched her. "I never really got much of a chance to show you this side of me... before."

"I never would have pegged you for a romantic. That's more Bobby's style," she argued.

"I s'pose." She wasn't really wrong. His half-assed attempts at romancing Casey had left his ex more amused than anything. She'd appreciated the efforts, but even he had to admit, especially in retrospect that he'd pretty much failed utterly. Casey, being a doctor and all, had deserved the best, but he, as a two-bit thief, had not been able to afford to meet her standards. Not legally anyway. And no matter how much he had wanted to quit for her, it had been the only viable means to treat her in the manner to which he believed she deserved. He'd made some damn good scores when with her, but it had all been a lie. What she had really wanted... needed was the truth and that had been the one thing he could not give her.

Alyx had the truth and still wanted him. How amazing was that?

She set down her fork and cocked her head slightly. "You okay?"

He smiled. "Of course, why?"

"Thinking deep thoughts you were," she said in her best, which was pretty damn horrible, let's be real here, Yoda voice.

"I suppose I was. Just... just comparing relationships is all," he told her, not about to lie. That would lead him down the wrong road and it wasn't as if the comparison came out bad for her. "Casey walked away when she learned who I really was. You've known from the beginning." He shrugged.

"Wondering where your relationship with her might have gone if you'd told her the truth?"

"It would have gone nowhere, I'm not a fool. Hell, she probably would have turned me in at the ER if she'd realized my injury had happened on a job." He shook his head, not about to indulge himself in that fantasy when the woman he loved sat before him. "You like me just as I am, and, while it still surprises the hell out of me, that's important. Is there anything you'd change about me?"

She cocked one eyebrow. "Wouldn't mind improving your stamina a bit," she replied cheekily, making him laugh.

"My stamina is just fine, thank you very much, which you are very much aware of as I recall."

Straight-faced she said, "I dunno, it's been a while, I might need a demonstration to remind me."

And, man, did that garner a reaction from at least one portion of his anatomy. He sucked in a breath and blew it out to a slow count of ten. Clearly it had been too long if that was all it took. Oh, he'd had sex since she'd last left, but it had been for work only, and he'd gotten the information needed every single time, but none of them had been her, Alyx. And no one could ever replace her as far as his mind and body were concerned.

"That can be arranged," he told her, voice shockingly low and husky.

She blinked lazily and all it did was cause already tight areas to tighten even further, which made him want to pounce and forget the elaborate dessert he had planned. "When you're ready so am I," she reminded, voice soft.

A valid reminder given he'd just been playing compare the relationships. Granted, Alyx had won, but her point had been made. A'course that didn't make him want her any less, and right now, he wanted her... lots. "Why did my being a thief not bother you?"

She shrugged. "Thief, con man, ex-con, spy... invisible man; they're all just words. Poor descriptors of who you are, but none of them are you." She stabbed her fork at him on the last word, before setting it on the table. "All of those words are just part of the whole that is Darien G. Fawkes, but no single one, nor all combined are the totality that is who you are. Which is as it should be." She paused for a sip of her wine. "And I have liked you from the moment we first met... as children. I do not expect you to change. You have to figure out how to accept yourself for who you are flaws and all. Now, that does not mean one should not try to improve, but one should do it for themselves, not because others deem it necessary."

And there it was in a nutshell, the whole reason they'd taken that proverbial step back: he did not feel worthy of her. How she saw him, what she expected of him, or not as the case may be, entirely different than his own. "Why though?" he asked, still feeling more than a touch bemused by it all. "Why do you like me?"

"Why do you like me? I'm a bitch most of the time, have had my head scrambled so badly I rely on how others picture me to prevent bad... very bad things from happening, I'm vertically challenged, especially next to you-"

He cut her off by reaching out and setting fingers on her lips. "You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You... you challenge me, make me want to be a better person without ever asking me to be, you expect nothing and give everything. More than I deserve most days. Everyone likes you if they give you even half a second to see you who you really are." He shifted his hand to cup her cheek. "How many men have wanted you after just a few hours? And not one has shied away from any part of you."

She shook her head. "Not true. not one of them knew the real me. I had to lie and hide what I really am... to protect them."

Darien only had to say two words to shatter that illusion of hers. "Max Garrett."

Her eyes narrowed in a glare that didn't last more than a few seconds before she closed her eyes and sighed heavily. "The sole exception... when it comes to ords anyway."

Darien snorted. "You'll be calling us muggles next."

"Us? You aren't a muggle by any stretch of the imagination, Mr. Invisible Man." She rubbed her eyes and met his with a sadness buried in hers. "You had to pick one of my biggest failures as an example."

"Failure? You saved his life." Very true, and in return Garrett had gotten them out of one of the worst wildfires in recent memory for everyone in California.

"Only to have him murdered in a bombing just weeks later. Would have been better to end it quickly," she grumbled, part of her clearly believing that in her heart and soul.

"And how many people did he save while fighting that fire?"

Her eyes widened as if she had never thought of it in quite that way. "But he still died."

"And was lucky enough to have met you... and liked you just as you are. Dangerous, beautiful and utterly amazing. I'm glad you met him and would have been glad to see you happy, and he did that."

"Darien..."

"It's okay, really, 'cause if it weren't for him you never would have... become this." He waved his hands at her for emphasis and was pleasantly surprised when she blushed. "Now, have we settled the why portion of this discussion?"

She smiled. "You tell me, have we?"

He thought about that, seriously, for a few moments then nodded. Truthfully the whys were indescribable, and far more visceral feelings than those that could be easily put into words. As she would say, 'it just was' and for now it was an answer he could live with. "Yeah. Much as we can, that is."

"Does that mean we can move forward on the dating?" she asked, her look far too innocent to be real.

Body parts south of his navel tightened instantly, and he could only hope she was suggesting what he thought she was suggesting. "So, second base?"

She chuckled warmly. "At the very least. Just remember you don't have to do anything to feel worthy of me. Far as I'm concerned you always were." She took a long drink of her wine, her look turning serious as she swirled the remaining amount around the bottom of the glass.

"Then why wouldn't you marry me?" A dangerous question to ask and one that might end with him not getting laid tonight, but that he still needed an answer to. Her reaction was carefully controlled. She finished the food she was chewing, set her fork down and dabbed at her lips with a napkin, which she set aside without once looking at him.

"What happened with my last... first marriage?"

It took him a moment to understand her quick change of words, realizing after a moment that she considered the faux marriage to Piotr as real as her marriage to Jess, a man who turned out to not be real. "He abused you," he stated, even though that single word did nothing to describe the hell she had gone through for years. "He did it to control you for his... employer."

She shook her head. "I didn't know that then and it really changes nothing. He had everything planned, sucked me in and had me head over heels, hell, even had my brothers convinced that he was the one... Well, everyone but Mike."

"He knew Jess was bad news?"

"Probably? His empathic skill wasn't as finely honed back then, he just knew he didn't like Jess." She sighed and poured more wine into her glass. "None of which is important now other than that relationship souring the idea of marriage for me. I only married Piotr because I had no choice. It's not fair to you, but it is how I feel." She turned away, eyes roving about the apartment that had once been hers. "Does it mean nothing that I stay here with you out of my own free will. That I choose to be here. Because if not then we had better reevaluate our relationship right now."

Darien froze for a moment as realization sank in. Little wonder she wanted no part of marriage, the memories brought up just talking about it must be painful beyond belief and here he kept pushing the buttons. And... and she was right, damn it. She was with him by choice, had chosen him above all others, and he callously deemed it unworthy simply because she refused to allow an, admittedly, archaic, ritual to be performed. He had never wanted to marry anyone until her. Yes, there had been the occasional wild thought about Casey, but even he'd been wise enough to realize that the truth must out before that step could even be considered.

He moved quickly, until he knelt before her, her hands wrapped within his own. "I'm an idiot. Of course you choosing to be here, with me, is important. The most important thing in the world on most days." She managed a slight smile at that. "I didn't think. Didn't consider how much he hurt you or the fact that even mentioning it would bring those memories back. Forgive me?"

"I'll think about it," she grumbled, clearly not thrilled with having to point out the obvious and having to once again convince him that she was here for the long haul no matter how many stupid questions he asked.

Dinner was over and dessert could wait, right now he had to make amends. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers until he heard her sigh softly and felt her body relax ever so slightly. He stood and encouraged her to her feet. "C'mon."

She didn't argue and came along willingly enough as he led her to the sofa and urged her to sit. He didn't give her a chance to say a word, knelt before her and pulled her in for a kiss. While she didn't resist, she also didn't really participate, keeping her emotions carefully locked inside, the previous conversation clearly making her wary. He shifted, pulling her into a gentle hug, tucking his face up against the side of her neck. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to dredge up bad memories."

She relaxed, her entire body softening in his embrace. "Don't be sorry, it's me and my stupid brain screwing things up again."

"No... Well, yes, but I don't blame you." And he didn't. Wasn't her fault her husband had been a sadistic bastard, or that her mind had been so supercharged that she could literally forget nothing, no matter how much she wanted to. "Was being married to Piotr that horrible?"

She flinched, the question obviously catching her off guard. He moved to sit beside her, one of her hands twined with his, trying his best to let her know through touch that while he did indeed want an answer, she could take her time about it. She stuttered out, "N..n...no. In fact, if we had been free of other... entanglements I probably would have been willing to stay more than a few months."

He felt a surprising sense of hope and, oddly enough, unhappiness surge through him. "You... lo... cared about him that much?" He really didn't want to know if she had fallen for the man, a literal king and incredibly handsome too boot.

She met his gaze calmly. "Yes, I do, but since I could not be more than his friend and bodyguard I felt it better to bow out gracefully, so that we could both move forward with our lives."

"Alyx? What are you talking about?" He had an inkling, but didn't want to make assumptions, making one of those had torn them apart in the first place.

"I was supposed to remain married to him... forever, complete with having kids," she explained, tone carefully neutral, this discussion not easy for her.

"And? Do you not want more kids or something?"

She closed her eyes for a long moment and swallowed hard, before meeting his with pain clearly visible in hers. "I can't have any more, Darien. Jess made certain of that."

Can't have any more...

Having kids had never really been something he'd specifically thought about. Yeah, he'd like to have kids... one day, and more have kids with Alyx but... "This is why you won't marry me," he whispered, voice hoarse as the truth settled heavily upon him. She wouldn't marry him, simply because she wouldn't deny him anything and that included the opportunity to be a father, which, if what she just told him were indeed true, she could never provide. She cared about him so much that she would walk away in order for him to be happy and have the life she believed he deserved.

"It's part of it, yes," she answered with an honesty that surprised him. "When you asked me you wanted the whole package, house with the proverbial picket fence, big backyard with a dog or two, swing set... and kids." Darien ducked his head, not about to deny that had been exactly what had been going through his head. He felt her fingers on his cheek and he forced himself to meet her eyes. "And I knew I couldn't give that to you. Even if I had been... able to say yes I wouldn't have. I wouldn't force you to stay with someone who can't give you everything you want out of life."

Trouble was he still wanted that with her. No one else would do. But if she couldn't have any more kids... "This isn't a deal breaker if that's what you're thinking," he told her and meaning it. "I just... I guess I never really thought all of this through." True enough, but now that it had indeed come up he did, at least a start and he immediately realized that any family the two of them had would be just as much at risk as her current one. She already had four children, all of whom had inherited her abilities in one form or another, little chance that wouldn't occur if the two of them reproduced. Hell the two of them living together would complicate things. Risky enough allowing the bad guys to know they cared about each other, made it worse to have the two of them playing target in the same apartment. Toss children that would be unable to defend themselves into the mix and their crazy lives would become insane ones in seconds.

"You being impulsive? Never would have guessed." The snark ran deep, but he didn't allow it to deter him. He knew it was simply her being defensive.

Well, he'd had time to think now, months to think about how he hoped their relationship would go. "I… While I would love to start a family with you I would be more than happy to just be a part of yours. I mean I wouldn't expect your kids to call me dad or any-"

She stopped him cold by grabbing his face in her hands, fingers tangling in the hair by his ears and pulling him into a fierce kiss. When they finally broke apart she lay beneath him, her shirt unbuttoned further than could be considered appropriate, his was gone, flung into some far corner of the apartment and both of them were flushed and more than ready to take this to the next level.

Or so he thought, mere seconds after he'd shifted slightly to, in theory not crush her, her mood shifted. "You amaze me."

"If you think that was good…" he trailed off the grin practically swallowing up his face.

She reached up and set her palm against his cheek. "Not about that. About… my kids. You have no idea how much you wanting to be part of my family means to me."

"Yeah, I do." He turned his head to kiss her palm. "And I mean it. They've been important to me since the first time I met Rose. No matter what you say I know they are still the most important part of your life and will do whatever I can to help. Even if… even if we remain broken."

"Thank you," she told him with all due sincerity. "Now, before we go any further I have some news to tell you and… and you're not going to like it."

"Wait, you want to spoil the mood? Not exactly fair." Not that it would actually be possible, he hadn't had her in this position in months it would take and act of god to destroy his want of her, and for the first time since her last visit in town and their discussion he actually felt like he could be worthy of her. She'd been right and while he still had issues, obviously, he planned to stop being an idiot and just let things be. It might be some time before they could be together on a day to day basis, but he'd make every effort to be patient, though it would not be easy… the rewards… they would be worth it.

"I know, but this is part of why I came over tonight. You need to know this." The seriousness in her tone and look took him aback, she really didn't want to burden him with this, but felt it necessary. He nodded and sat up, while she did little more than straighten her shirt a bit, leaving it unbuttoned, not the least bit embarrassed by her state of semi-undress. "We've been watching Eberts for a while now."

That stunned Darien for multiple reasons. "How long?"

"Months," she told him.

"And you did nothing?"

She shrugged. "We watched him and the info he was passing along. He wasn't giving away anything of importance in the grand scheme of things."

"But why leave him?"

She tipped her head slightly. "The devil you know."

He sighed. At least that made sense. By leaving Eberts in place they knew who the mole was, once arrested a new one could have been activated and they would have to start all over on figuring out who he or she was. "You suspected there was more than one?"

She nodded. "We're reasonably certain they did not know about each other, but once we took down one we had to take down all."

He reached out, shifting her legs across his lap, one hand rubbing the back of his head, the other coming to rest on her thigh, fingers gently kneading the muscle. "And you couldn't warn me?"

"And risk them moving sooner? No."

He nodded, understanding that. You don't risk the mission… not even for your boyfriend. Hell, he'd done the same when necessary, and, yeah, Hobbes had been cranky, but understood. "So, what changed? Why grab him now?"

Alyx closed her eyes for a long moment, releasing a soft sigh as if she had expected him to be pissed instead of reasonable, which, he had to admit, he might have done in the past, but this… this job of hers had far bigger implications than one brown-nosing geek turning out to be a double-agent for the big bad. "He had orders to kill you."

His fingers tightened convulsively about her leg. That had to be about the last thing he had ever expected to hear. "Eberts was ordered to kill me?"

She nodded. "Yes, and there was no way in hell I was going to allow that to happen."

He managed an only slightly freaked out smile. "Thanks for that, by the way." Her phrasing was interesting to say the least. While it was good to know she liked him among the living he got the distinct impression there were those who didn't give a rat's ass if the government's invisible man remained alive. "You're here against orders."

She shrugged. "I have discretion on my missions."

He reached over to tap her on the nose. "And that does not answer the question."

She moved quickly and caught his finger between her teeth, digging in just hard enough for him to feel it before allowing him to escape. "Given I'm not supposed to be telling you any of this, does it really matter?"

"Then why are you?" She had her reasons, of that he was certain, he was simply curious as to what they were. "You told the 'Fish, right?" His finger trailed down her neck, then slid across her collarbone, which conveniently caused the shirt to open more revealing the pale purple camisole she wore beneath.

She shook her head, seemingly oblivious to his actions. "No, and you don't get to either. He… he can't know, but you need to so you can be prepared should they try again."

"Again?" he all but squeaked, fingers pausing their slow exploration of her in his agitation. "Shit. Are you sure I shouldn't just run for the hills?"

She managed a soft laugh that actually eased some of the sudden worry churning in his gut. "I'm certain. Besides if you take off I can't keep an eye on you." Her foot shifted, toes rubbing gently across the skin over his ribs just hard enough to not tickle.

"You been spying on me?" He wasn't too keen on that, but at the same time if she hadn't been keeping a weather eye on him he might very well be dead now at Eberts's hand and no one the wiser. Least he had someone who cared about him watching his back and, apparently, saving his ass. Not to discount Hobbes and his semi-regular ass-saving, but he'd had no clue about this particular threat.

"No, just making certain things are okay, that's all. Your life is still your own, I promise."

Not what he had meant, but he wasn't sure he could explain to her the difference. "Guess maybe I should be asking why you've been keeping an eye on me."

"Well, aside from wanting you alive and kicking, we've discovered some things about this group… some disturbing things," she said softly. "Things I can't tell you… for your safety. Just… wait a few days after I'm gone and give Hobbes a heads up. He'll be able to help, but I don't want you to freak out. I'm hoping this will give them the hint that moving against you will just piss me off."

"And the last thing anyone wants is you pissed off." True enough, she could be a force of nature when she wanted to be. Hell, she could be scary dangerous when she wanted to be. He glanced down at her lying there half dressed and decided there were far more important things to do than talk about Eberts and the evil government agency he worked for. He leaned down to kiss her gently, her mouth opening under his with minimal encouragement and permitting him to do as he pleased for long minutes.

He pulled away to look her right in the eyes, the drowsy look of pleasure making him want to take her now, but he had plans after so many months without seeing her, detailed and exacting plans that would keep them far away from sleep for many hours. "I want to taste you," he said softly and then had to restrain a laugh as her eyes dilated though the lighting had not changed one whit.

"Yes, please," she requested, hands cupping his face, thumbs tracing across his skin and lips as if trying to memorize every contour. "I've missed you, Dare."

He couldn't help himself and said, "I know," before silencing her by the simple expedient of kissing her soundly and most thoroughly.