Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own them, just borrowing them for a bit.
Timing: Post "Cold Lazarus"
Episodes Referenced: "Children of the Gods" "Cold Lazarus"
A/N: I'm a little nervous as this is my first attempt at writing something serious, but it's a scene I've always wondered about so I decided to give it a try. I had a tough time with the second half, but hopefully it turned out okay. I'd love to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!
Explanations
Jack's mind was in turmoil as he walked through the halls of the SGC on the way to General Hammond's office. Since returning from the first Abydos mission with a renewed will to live, Jack had done his best to move on with his life. However, he was still unable to completely come to terms with the guilt he felt over the circumstances of Charlie's death and the manner in which he had pushed Sarah away. Instead of facing the pain he was feeling he had walled himself off from everyone and hid his anguish deep inside. As he had once told Daniel, Jack didn't think he could ever forgive himself for what happened, but over the past year he had become very good at forgetting. Or at least he had been until today.
In the past 12 hours all of the painful memories he tried so hard to forget had been brought rushing to the surface. Something was different this time, however. While the memories still hurt, he no longer felt the need to run away. Although deep down he knew that the crystal entity was not Charlie, somehow seeing his image again allowed Jack to say the goodbye he was never able to voice before. He finally felt ready to face his feelings and to have the talk with Sarah that he should have had long ago. It wasn't a conversation that he looked forward to, but was something that he realized needed to be done. She deserved an explanation on so many things. Why he had shut her out after Charlie's death, why he had simply run away after the Abydos mission instead of trying to work things out; and if he could arrange it, an explanation of what she had witnessed earlier in the day.
"Enter." General Hammond called out as he heard knocking on his door. Seeing Jack approach his desk he continued. "Have a seat, Jack. What can I do for you, son?"
"Sir, I wanted to talk to you about my ex-wife. She spent most of the day with that crystal… thing thinking it was me, and then saw me leave the hospital with someone who appeared to be our son. She deserves some sort of explanation; and with all due respect, sir, I don't think she'll believe one of the usual Air Force cover stories. She's too smart and she saw too much."
"As much as I agree with you, Jack, it's just not that simple. How can I justify letting an unauthorized civilian know about this program when half of our own military doesn't even know that the stargate exists?" Hammond replied with a sigh.
"That's just it, sir. She already knows that something called the stargate exists and that some seemingly unexplainable things happened to her today because of it. Please, General, isn't there something you can do?" Jack pleaded.
"I'll see what I can do, Jack; but I can't make any promises."
"That's all I ask, General. Thank you."
"For now I suggest we all head home and try to get some sleep. It's been a hell of a day. Dismissed." Hammond ordered as he rose from his desk and prepared to leave the base himself.
"Yes, sir." Jack responded before turning to leave the office. He doubted he would be able to sleep a wink after all that had happened, but hopefully exhaustion would win out over all of the thoughts racing through his brain. He couldn't decide what would be worse; not receiving permission to provide an explanation to Sarah, or receiving the permission and having to admit to all of the feelings he had become so good at hiding throughout the years.
SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1
The next afternoon…
Sarah O'Neill was sitting on the front steps of her house lost in thought when she realized she was no longer alone. Looking up she was surprised to see the familiar figure of Jack walking towards her. She honestly hadn't expected to see him again so soon, figuring he would continue to run from his feelings and the conversation they should have had long ago. He didn't say a word as he approached, simply sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. It was obvious that he still knew her well enough to realize how shaken up she was by the events of the previous day. They sat like that for several minutes, before he finally broke the silence.
"How are you holding up?" He whispered into her hair giving her a slight squeeze before sitting back so he could see her face.
"I honestly don't know, Jack. I still don't even know how to process the things I saw yesterday. It was all so confusing." Sarah replied giving him a weak smile.
"I know, baby, I know. That's why I'm here. We both know I've never been good at the whole talking thing, but I want to try." He paused and reached down to gently take her hands in his before continuing. "I shouldn't have shut you out like I did, Sarah. I'm sorry for that, and I'm even sorrier it's taken me this long to admit it to myself and to you. You deserved better than that."
"You're right, I did. Why couldn't you have just opened up to me when I needed you?" Sarah demanded. She couldn't help feeling a little angry. While she was grateful for Jack's attempt at an apology in many ways it seemed like too little too late.
"I was scared. I didn't know how to handle the pain I was feeling so I fell back on my military training and hid my emotions from myself and everyone else. I tried to justify it by telling myself that pretending to be strong would help you."
"Damn it, Jack. I didn't need a soldier hiding behind false military bravado; I needed someone to share my pain with me." At this Jack dropped his gaze to where their hands were joined and let out a long sigh. Sarah could hear the pain and remorse in his voice as he replied.
"I know. I think part of me even knew it back then, but I didn't know how to do that. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I truly am sorry for what I put you through."
"You can admit it, just like that? Why now?" Sarah questioned. She had honestly never expected that they would actually have this conversation.
"It's complicated, but I'll do my best to explain. Much of what I'm about to stay has to stay between us. I'm actually shocked I got permission to mention any of this to someone outside the program."
Sarah simply nodded. After all her years being a military wife she was used to the idea of secrecy. She had always hated it, but understood why it was necessary.
"The other guy mentioned the word 'stargate' to you?"
Sarah responded with another nod.
"The stargate is a piece of alien technology that was found in Egypt in the 1920s. It is capable of creating a wormhole that allows travel other planets. My job is to lead a team through the stargate and explore these other worlds. Yesterday my team was on a routine mission when I touched a blue crystal. It turns out this crystal was actually some kind of intelligent being. When I touched it a large amount of energy was released and I was injured. The crystal entity attempted to heal the damage that it had caused, however, it didn't understand the difference between physical and emotional pain and couldn't figure out how to heal the scars left by Charlie's death. It took my form and came to Earth in my place hoping to find him. That's why it went to see you. In the hospital it was able to show me that a part of Charlie would always live inside of me by taking his form. Somehow seeing him again, even though I knew it wasn't really Charlie, helped me to realize that while burying my feelings helped to lessen the pain it also prevented me from taking joy in all of the happy memories of the time we spent together as a family. I decided it was finally time to stop running from the past and well, here I am." He finished with a shrug.
Even with all that she had witnessed, Sarah still found it hard to completely accept the story Jack told her; it sounded like something out of a science fiction movie. Yet, searching Jack's face she knew he was telling the truth. Still it was a bit overwhelming.
"Come here." Jack whispered opening his arms to her as he saw Sarah struggle to take everything in. She gladly accepted his embrace. All of the emotions that their conversation had sparked finally took over and she began to cry into his shoulder. What she didn't realize until much later, was that he was crying into hers as well.
After their tears had run dry, Sarah and Jack continued to talk on the front steps until well after the sun had set. But, instead of speaking of the painful memories surrounding their terrible loss they now found themselves able to reminisce about the good times and share laughter with each other once again. While they recognized that the events of the past had damaged their former relationship beyond repair, both parents were finally able to find the closure that had previously been missing in their lives. The crystal entity from P3X-562 may not have understood the nature of Jack's emotional injuries, but it turned out that it was able to help him heal after all.