I literally couldn't wait to give y'all the next chapter- I've been sitting on this for almost a month, and I can finally publish.

Ever since the attack, the kidnapping, whatever you may call it; I have felt my world slowly start to crumble around me. Jace isn't himself, the best word I can use to describe him would be distant. He completely shut off. From me, from Gideon and Ral, from everyone. He's terrifying me.

We walked through the door of the house, having not spoken a single word since we had left Duskmantle. He bounds upstairs and starts running a tub of water. He helps me upstairs and unlaces the corset, still not speaking. He brushes his hand against the lower part of my abdomen and closes his eyes. The emotions that run across his visage nearly break me. He never looked like that, not even when we lost Kallist. Not when he found out my true intentions with the Consortium. He brushes his lips across mine, much like I did the first time we kissed, so many years ago in that tavern.

Grief. Loss. Pain.

He helps me out of my dress and looks at the tub.

"Lili, I can't…" He walks out of the room.

"Jace, I..wait!"

It's too late. I grab the bar of soap from the sill and begin to get the dried blood off my legs and abdomen. The blood that is the only remnants of the child that was unfairly ripped from my body. A part of Jace and I that, we, can never get back. I pull my legs up to my chest and try to choke back the strangled sobs that starting to form in my chest. Never in my life have I felt so empty. So alone.

My mind goes back to nearly two centuries ago, after giving Josu the cure that the Raven Man had promised would work. I was so relieved when the sickness was gone, only to realize that it drove him mad.

In this moment, I can't unfeel the movement that the little bean placed on my womb. Just as I was powerless to protect Josu, I couldn't protect our child from the Dimir. The sense of failure and emptiness is stronger than it was even then, seeing Josu lying there. Josu never failed me, not once. He protected me from our father, from boys that he knew were no good for me. Because just as I failed to protect him, the one person I was sure I loved, I failed to protect our child. I cannot bear to look in Jace's eyes, not after this. Because once again, I have hurt him. I've done the one thing that I promised myself that I'd never do again.

The choked, strangled sobs are coming now, and I can feel myself succumbing to days of exhaustion, starvation, and grief. I hear a great crash come from the other room, the tinkling of broken glass. I can't bear to go to him. I can't bear to call him to me, even though I need him now more than I've ever needed him.

I head downstairs to see Jace picking up shards of glass and smell the scent of his scotch thick in the air. I bend to help him pick them up, but my body doesn't want to work with me. There is a slash of pain in my abdomen, and I gasp. He hears it.

"Go upstairs, Liliana. Please. I'll clean this up."

"Jace.."

"Go!"

I huff a breath of air and leave him to it. I know that he can sometimes get like this, so I give him his space.

I begin to ascend the stairs to our room, leaving Jace in his ominous silence. How to I tell him that I feel the only way I can heal is being in his arms? How do I tell him that I need him right now? This incident is enough for him to think me weak, I know. So I don't. I don't call him to me, I don't go to him. I cuddle into the blankets, breathing in Jace's scent.

It was the only true way that I could feel close to him, because the distance between us was far more than miles.

Little did I know, this hellish nightmare was just beginning.

It started with the nightmares. He would kick and thrash as he slept, haunted by the things he saw in the maze. At first, I would try to comfort him. I would pull him close to me, into my chest. He would shake and clutch at me, but then would shake me off, getting up to pace the room.

There were nights that I saw him sitting on the edge of the bed or in his writing chair, just watching me sleep. I would get up and try to comfort him, but he had none of it. Often, he gets up at night and leaves the room. When he comes back, he literally reeks either of scotch or white liquor. On this particular night, he turned over on his side and didn't speak.

I look at him, curled up , trying to fight off the monsters in his head. I hear his deep, even breathing and I feel a pang of envy. I wish that Jace's breath was on the back of my neck, his strong arms around me.

I wrap my arm around his waist. In a gesture of closeness that I haven't felt in almost two weeks, he grabbed my hand and held on. My tears soak his back, but for once, he doesn't let go.

In the darkest part of the night, I wake to my lover's screams. I shake him awake, holding him close to me until the terror has passed.

"Jace! What did you see, my love? Let me in, please!"

He looks at me, taking in my tone and facial impressions. He just nods minutely, almost not at all.

"Nothing, Lili. Please go back to sleep."

"Jace. I can't sleep until I know you're okay."

"Liliana, go to bed. I'm fine!"

I could push him, but his tone says he's done. I make to speak, but he gets up and leaves the room. I choke back tears, again. The steady clink-tink-clink of the scotch bottle fills my ears as I pull the covers above my head and desperately try not to feel.

The days pass slowly, the nights pass slower. We haven't so much as kissed since the day that we came back from Duskmantle.

I don't know how to say how I feel; I don't know how to appeal to him that I need him right now. Is it possible that he is angry with me for what happened in Duskmantle? Is he angry that I didn't wait for him to come get me out? Does he think that me running that horrid maze is the reason I lost the baby?

Losing the baby is not something I wanted to do. I wanted to have a family with Jace, because after years of running, I was finally ready to settle down- despite of the demons. Jace is willing to help me, but am I willing to let him help? The distance isn't making this decision any easier.

After two weeks of this, Jace's nightmares and distance, my brokenness, I decide that I have to get out of the house. When I wake, the light stabs me in the eyes. I pull Jace's shirt over my head and head downstairs, praying that he's sober and ready to talk.

The house is completely empty. Not once, in almost ten months, has he ever left this house without a note. I check the normal places, it's not there. Anger bubbles up in my mind, thinking of leaving without telling him or leaving a note, but I can't. I can't scare him like that. We will be having a talk once he gets back. I march back upstairs, angrily pulling on my dress. I leave a snide note for Jace on the bedside table and walk out, desperate for some fresh air.

I head to the post office, where what I was expecting has arrived. My fifth letter from Sorin. Sorin and I had a bit of an unorthodox relationship for many years, many years before Jace was even thought of. Sorin and I have always kept in touch. He's on the trail of something, and I can tell he's busy. However, Sorin and I have made a point to keep in contact all of these years. Sorin offered his help with the Garruk situation, but my heart (and Sorin himself) pushed me back to Ravnica, back to Jace. It doesn't seem that that was almost four months ago. I absentmindedly fiddle with my engagement ring, wondering what in the hell my fiancé is doing right now. The fact that he left without a word makes me so angry.

I pick up things we need for the house, thinking of not picking up Jace's scotch, but I do it anyways. I don't want to hear him fuss. I also pick up a few articles of clothing that are significantly less revealing than what I normally wear. I don't know why, but I feel the need to hide as much of me from the Dimir agents that I know are watching me, the house, us.

My hand drops to my abdomen for the first time since that first night. It's odd because I never knew or even thought that I could miss something I never even knew that I wanted. It's out of the question, especially now. I, we, can't put a child in that sort of danger. I feel a tug at my heart, emptiness in my abdomen. I wander around for a while, aimlessly, dreading the fight that I know is going to ensue when I get home. Because he isn't going to play these sorts of games with me. I wouldn't do that to him and I expect the same courtesy. I steel my resolve, knowing I can't put it off much longer. I turn back toward the house, just as a very flustered and out of breath Chandra runs up to me. I ready my black mana, thinking something has happened to Gideon, or –my heart tightens-Jace.

"What in the name of the Eternities is going on, Chandra? What's wrong?!"

"You're what's wrong, Liliana."

"What? I'm not following you."

"Jace is tearing the city to pieces looking for you. He's got several Boros and Izzet people out, all looking for you."

"What?!"

"You heard me, Liliana."

I channel the black mana through my hands, expelling in into the street below me. I'm now standing in a three foot deep pothole, but it's not my problem. I'm angry. No, I'm infuriated. Where does he get off of sending half the plane to look for me? I'm more than capable of going shopping without getting kidnapped. He knows how powerful I am, but my heart quickens again.

He must see me as weak.

The words ignite a fire in my mind.

"Would you not be infuriated, Chandra?"

"That's not even the word, Liliana. I understand he wants to keep you safe, but you can look after yourself, I know that. And so does Jace. But he's freaking out right now, and he came home and you were just gone. I imagine he had some pretty terrible flashbacks. But it doesn't excuse his behavior. Be safe. If you need to come sleep on our couch, you can."

"I'll keep that in mind."

She nods and heads back to the Boros to call off the people that Jace sent on a wild goose chase. The closer I get to the house, the angrier I get. How could he possibly do this? What on earth has gotten into his head? I steel myself and my resolve as turn the door handle to the house. As I enter, I see Jace pacing back and forth between the foyer and the sitting area. He betrays himself with an audible sigh of relief that he expels when I walk through the door, visibly angry but unharmed. I clench my fist in an effort to stop the mana that is channeling through me right now.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, Jace Rahl?"

"I think I'm your fiancé, Liliana Calliope."

"Don't you take that condescending tone with me, Jace Beleren! How dare you!"

"How dare I? How dare I what, Lili? What I did I dare to do this time? Please, reveal your secrets."

"Don't think your little mind games will work with me, Jace. I'm not a member of your council, I'm not one of these people mindlessly follow the guildpact. Have you forgotten who I am? Have you forgotten all that I've done?"

Jace's voice rings out in my head. He's not speaking to me but I hear him, loud and clear. I haven't forgotten. Not at all. He then puts a picture of him crying his eyes out, Gideon at his side, glass of scotch clutched in his hand directly into my mind's eye.

You manipulative bastard.

You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, my love.

"Have I not proven myself to you, Jace? Have I not changed for you? If that's the case, just don't bother leaving a note tomorrow. If you don't, I'll be gone, and you won't have to worry about the manipulative necromancing whore any longer."

"Liliana Calliope! You know I don't think that! You can't say that and walk away! If you wanted a fight, you've got one!"

"You think I want to fight with you? Do you think this is what I wanted when we got back from that hell? I need you, and you're running away from us, from this! I never thought, all those years ago in that tavern , that the man I was falling for, that fought the consortium, the man that gave up his mind for his best friend, that ran that maze was a coward." I turn and head upstairs.

"I'm the one who runs? What are you doing? Running away from the only man that's ever loved you for everything you are instead of in spite of? Run, Liliana. Just like you did all those years ago. Go ahead, Lili. Walk out. I dare you."

I ascend the stairs, speechless and angry. He knew I wasn't going to. He knew I couldn't. I can't lose him; however, he makes me feel replaceable. That's why he did it. He knows how scared I am to lose him.

Before I get fully upstairs, I hear Jace throw the glass he was holding across the room, shattering it into pieces.

Much like my heart.