I do not own any part of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. All of that greatness is the work of the amazing J R Ward.

As of 5-22-12 the wonderful GothicBelle has beta'ed this for me. Hopefully this is now easier to read.

I hope everyone enjoys.

Chapter Eight

John hadn't been this pissed since Xhex had been missing and he sure hadn't wanted to feel this way so soon again. Two hours on the streets with Qhuinn and Blay and he was so mad at them that he wanted to knock their heads together just to get some peace.

Two hours of listening to Blay shut Qhuinn down. John didn't blame him though. Blay had been working really hard the past few weeks to put his feelings for Qhuinn behind him. John had spent a few hours with Blay while Qhuinn did his reports. It's the only real time the two spent together anymore.

Blay had told John about the balcony and what Qhuinn had said the first evening they had talked. But the heartbreaking truth had come out the last time they had spent time together. John and Blay had been hold up in Blay's room knocking back shots of Jack and chasing them with Coronas. Near dawn the subject of conversation had once again made its way around to Qhuinn.

Blay was pretty blitzed, "John you realize just how bad I got it for that asshole?"

John just shakes his head and lets Blay go on. Venting seems to help him some and John hates to see him suffer. Qhuinn and Blay were family to him and even though they all couldn't go back to the way it was before, John had hope that things would improve.

"I've got it so fucking bad that, that day I spent with Saxton, when I came I called out Qhuinn's name," Blay paused noticing the look on John's face. "Man, sorry, TMI. I shouldn't have said that. You don't want to hear the details of my love life or lack there of."

"It's not that," John signed. "It's just, Blay, that's a really big deal. You should have said something sooner. I'm your friend I love you like a brother and no matter what I want you to talk to me. I know it's hard and I'm sure you don't want to put me in the middle of you and Qhuinn, but you can't hold this all in. You can't keep everything to yourself. You're hurting and that hurts me, it hurts all of us. Me, Xhex, the Brothers and even the shellans care about you. We want you happy. I'll always be here for you; you can always talk to me. Even the sexual stuff."

"I know, I love you too, it's just," Blay took another shot. John didn't want to push him, but God this was killing him. He felt so bad for Blay. If this kept up much longer Blay would be dead on the inside. "You know what John? I think his eyes are beautiful. They are so bright and clear and sharp. Just like an emerald and a sapphire. Brilliant and faceted. Flawlessly gorgeous. I envision them every night before I drift off to sleep."

Blay paused for another shot and sip. John's heart ached for him. Sometimes he actually wished for Qhuinn to be gay. To just open his eyes one evening and realize Blay was the one, the answer to everything. 'Funny I never wish that Blay was straight. Blay and Qhuinn just seemed perfect together.' John knew it wasn't right to think that way. He loved both his friends and he would take them just as they were. He could no more wish Qhuinn gay than he would wish Blay straight. 'You are what you are and sometimes life just sucks,' he thought.

"You know how fucking pathetic I am?" Blay was gearing up again. John never tried signing once he got like this. It was best to just let him get it all out. "Last night while Phury and I were out on patrol, we walked past this jewelry shop and a set of cuff links caught my eye. Why? Because they reminded me of him. They were two rectangle cut gems. An emerald and a sapphire set side by side in a lovely black reminded me of his hair and his eyes. I bought them without thinking. I can't wait until I have to explain that charge to Dad. We're in the middle of a war and I bought a pair of fucking cuffs. Real mature. I'm such a waste of space."

He took another shot and finished off his Corona. John hated it when Blay put himself down like that. He was used to that shit from Qhuinn, but it worried him so much more coming from Blay.

"They're in my night stand. The cuffs. I spent two hours today staring at them and thinking of him before I went to sleep. I dream about him every damn day." Another shot and swig from a new Corona. Blay leaned forward onto his knees and put his head in his hands. He started crying. "I'm trying as hard as I can John, but I love him so goddamn much."

John got out of his chair and pulled Blay into his arms. He just held him and let him cry. When it got too much for Blay to stand John lead him to the bed and helped him in. John took his friend's boots off and covered him up. Then John climbed onto the bed beside him and rubbed Blay's back until he fell asleep.

John didn't know how many more of those nights he could take. Or worse how many more nights like that Blay could take. He knew Blay was sinking into depression, no matter how good of a front he was putting on. He was sure Blay knew it too. John was positive that was why Blay had been avoiding talking to Mary. The King had told him that he wanted Blay to have a few sessions with Mary. 'I'll have to say something to Wrath,' he thought.

'Oh hell no.' John's attention was brought back to the present. Qhuinn was going to try to speak with Blay again. Some how and John didn't know how it was possible, but Qhuinn didn't know that Blay and Sax had ended things. For some reason Blay had never set the guy straight.

"Blay, I talked to Sax a couple of days ago and he was being all cryptic when I asked how you were doing. Now I don't know if it was because I'm your best friend and he thought I should know or you had a good reason for me not to know, or there's something up with you two. Which is it, Blaylock?"

Qhuinn waited a few steps before speaking again. "Blay you remember that promise I made you that night, I meant every word. You just say the word and that cousin of mine is toast. Family or not, you come first."

'Damn,' John thought, 'If I didn't know better I'd say Qhuinn sounded like a bonded male.'

"Shit," Blay snapped as he faced off with Qhuinn, "How many fucking times do I have to tell you I can take care of my own damn self. I don't know if you've ever fucking notice, but I'm just as much a male as you are."

"Of course I've noticed," Qhuinn sounded a little weird when he said that and before John could blink Blay had pinned Qhuinn to the brick wall. Thank the Virgin they were in a dark and empty alley.

"You fucking asshole," Blay yelled. "Just because I'm gay doesn't make me less of a male than you. Just because you don't want me doesn't make me less of a male than you. There are males out there who would have me if I wanted. Sax wanted me, probably still does. FYI, dickhead, I dropped him. Period. It was a nice fucking one night stand, but he's not the male for me. So you can just. Back. The. Fuck. Off."

'Shit Blay had lost it, he had finally snapped.' John had never seen Blay this mad. He had Qhuinn pinned by the collar and was only an inch away from the males face. He was breathing in short little breathes, almost panting really. John had never seen him like this. He looked deadly.

"You're not dating Sax?" Qhuinn looked stunned.

"Can you not fucking hear?"

"Then where have you been? What have you been doing?"

Blay let go of him like he was on fire and backed across the alley. In a painful whisper he said, "Avoiding you," he looked at John. John saw the tears in his eyes. "I'm going home."

…

Blay dematerialized. Qhuinn couldn't breath. He just sank to the filthy ground. He wrapped his arms around his knees and hung his head. His best friend, the one true love of his life, had gone through extreme measures to remove him from his life. He could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. His chest hurt like someone had just stuck their hand in and ripped his heart out. The someone had been Blaylock. His precious, beautiful Blaylock had just reached into his chest and with just two words from his stunning mouth ripped his very heart out with his glorious voice. Qhuinn had wanted Blay to talk to him, but not this. He had been looking for hope, not cold cruel hatred.

"John go home, I've got him. Get Butch to help with Blay. This may have been too much. Go. Now," Qhuinn heard the voice through his fog of pain. He knew it was a Brother. He didn't care. He didn't know which one it was, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He had lost Blay forever; there was nothing to live for.

"You haven't lost him yet. Look at me, talk to me."

Qhuinn raised his head. The male was Vishous. He had such an off look on his face, one Qhuinn had never seen before. He looked so different that he almost didn't recognize him. V looked like he cared.

"I do care. You're on of us. We take care of our own. I'm really not as big of a hardass as I pretend to be," V sat beside him. "Come on talk to me. I can actually be understanding. Maybe even helpful."

Qhuinn just sat there still too shocked to know what to say, where to start.

"However, one thing I'm not, boy is very patient. So spit something out already."

"I fucked up royally."

"Now, we're talking."

"I love him, I really fucking love him."

"I know."

"He hates me."

"He loves you," V smirked at him. "He reallyfucking loves you."

"He hates me. He's been avoiding me. You guys have been helping him." Qhuinn was seeing the last month in a whole new light. Everyone had been helping Blay, keeping the two apart. Keeping him in the dark about Sax. Hiding Blay from him.

"It was his way of surviving," V said.

"Surviving?"

"You kept pushing him away. You practically sacrificed him to Saxton. Which was a disaster by the way."

"What happened?"

"Ask Blay, I am so not going there."

"He's avoiding me, remember?"

"Surviving, remember ?

"I still don't get it."

"You didn't want him. You threw that fact in his face, repeatedly. There's no one else he wants."

"What?" Qhuinn was beginning to think that he was blinder than the King.

"Blay loves you. He can't move on cause there's no one else for him. He is trying to do what you wanted. Trying to do what is best. He thinks you don't love him. He is trying to stop himself from loving you. It's not working though. I've been where he is. . . no, I am where he is. Loving a male desperately with all his heart and not able to do anything about it. He can try moving on, may even find another to love. But I've seen the way he looks at you. He will always love you no matter what. So if you want him you better hurry up and do something and prove your love. Cause believe me if you don't try you will regret it forever. I can guarantee you one thing if you love him half as much as I think you do, even if you find the perfect shellan and love her; you'll never stop loving him. No matter how hard you try. Never."

Qhuinn needed to talk to Blay. He needed to win his love back, because he never wanted to look into a mirror and see the sorrow and pain and regret in his own reflection that he had just seen on Vishous's face.

…

John rematerialized in front of the Pit. He pounded the door.

Butch ripped the door open and looked at John, "Oh God, is it V?"

"No, no one's hurt. At least not injured. It's Blay, V said to get you."

"What happened?" Butch asked as they headed for the house.

"He and Qhuinn had a fight. Sort of." John didn't want to waste time explaining. Sometimes he wished he could talk because this stopping to sign was shitty when there was an emergency.

Butch didn't say anything else until they reached Blay's room. It was empty.

"He said he was coming home. I thought he would be here."

"It's okay. Let's get back to the Pit. The Four Toys will find him."

They raced back to the computers. As Butch fired up the security cams he slid a pad and pen to John. "Tell me everything."

John wrote it all out as fast as he could.

"Look, he's at the pool. Man, he doesn't look good. Let me see that." Butch took the pad and read. "Shit, shit, shit."

Butch stood and paced as John watch Blay do the same on the screen.

"John I know he's your friend, but when V says something, it's always for a reason. I'm going to go talk to the male. I want you to go tell the King what happened in the alley and that V stayed behind and that I'm on Blay."

"Can do. Just help them. This is tearing us all apart."

"I'm going to do my best, John. I know outside of those two you are hurting the most, but this is hurting the whole Brotherhood. We think of you three as one of us you know."

"Thank you."

…

Blay couldn't go inside. He couldn't breathe. He just kept pacing around the pool. He couldn't believe he had just hurt Qhuinn like that. He was an ass, but he didn't deserve that. He had wanted to take the words back as soon as he had said them. No matter how bad he hurt, he had no right to take it out on Qhuinn. It was not his fault that he didn't love Blay. There was no changing that fact and it was Blay's own fault for hoping it would change. Blay looked in the pool and wondered if he could actually drown himself. He just couldn't do that to his parents. Maybe he could find a pack of lessers to do him in. Would that still be suicide? Probably. Couldn't do it then. He had to make it to the Fade for his parents' sake. Blay didn't know how long he'd felt this bad but it had to stop before he did something stupid.

"Need some one to talk to?" Butch asked as he walked up. "You sure look like you need a friend right now." He sat at one of the glass patio tables.

"Hi, Butch," Blay wasn't sure where to start.

"Take your time," Butch was a lot better at this stuff than the others gave him credit for. "We've got all night."

Blay was so grateful that Butch had shown up. Butch was a good male to have for a friend. He could talk your ear off about nothing at all when you needed a distraction, and then, like now, he could just sit and be patient and listen. V was lucky to have him.

"I'm a monster. A hateful prick. A total bastard," he just blurted out.

"Why don't you tell me what happened?"

"I can't. I'll just get more upset."

"I think you need to tell me if we're going to get anywhere."

"I was just horrible to Qhuinn. He said something and I just went crazy. I was afraid of something like this. It's why I try not to talk to him. I try not to be anywhere near him."

"What happened? What did you say?"

"We were out on patrol with John. You knew that, though. I was trying to avoiding speaking to him, but he just wouldn't give up tonight. I kept shutting him out. It was making me feel awful and guilty and finally I was getting angry."

"Angry at what?"

"Angry at him, at me, at the whole damn world. I'm so fucking tired of it all. I can't be near him because I can't stop loving him. He doesn't love me, I know that, he's told me that more than once and I still can't stop it. I know he just wants to go back to the way things were before the cave, but I can't. I can't love him like this and do that anymore. I should have never made him out me; I should have just let him leave, no matter how bad it felt. If I had just taken the pain then and kept on pretending, we wouldn't be in this mess now."

Butch slammed his fist on the table. "You quit laying this all on yourself right now. This isn't your entire fault. Qhuinn played his part too, didn't he? He made the choice to out you and change the dynamics of your relationship. And he did more didn't he?"

"He kissed me. The night of the Massacre, down in the training center. But it was my fault, I asked him to. He had been treating my cuts and I kept thinking now that he knew maybe if he just kissed me it would change things. I'm stupid when it comes to him. I always hope that he'll love me too and I know it's unfair of me, but I do."

"It was still his choice. He didn't have to kiss you. That wasn't the only time though, was it? Over a month ago, that night you went out with Saxton, you came down stairs smelling of Qhuinn's bonding scent." Butch sure didn't throw his punches.

"I… well… he… I thought it was our turning point. When he had came into my room I just knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him. He pinned me against the dresser and kissed me. My pants were around my ankles and I just knew this was it. I thought I smelled his scent, but then he let me go and just walked off. Just left me there like a pansy ass. I thought the bonding was all in my head. I had wanted him so much that I had imagined it. Fuck, it was real?" Blay fell onto a lawn chair. He put his head down to hide his tears from Butch.

"Blay," Butch had moved to sit by the male and wrapped his arm around him. "Blay, it was real. We believe Qhuinn does love you. You just have to let him figure it out. He is going to have to give up a few of his dreams to be with you. And believe me that can be hard. I know from experience. You are going to have to give him time."

"You're wrong, Butch. He doesn't love me. He told me 'to take care of myself'. In Qhuinn speak that means I'm done with you and I never want to be with you again. It's his favorite send off for his one night stands, though I never got the benefit of being one. You know I've never seen him turn sex down. He has fucked every female and male that's come his way but me," Blay was pissed again and on his feet again pacing.

"Blay calm down. He loves you. I can see it. You have to give him a chance. He hates himself because he thinks he's different. Not good enough for you. I can tell, I've been there. When I was human I was tore up inside. I didn't think I belonged here and I knew I couldn't go back. I wasn't good enough for the Brothers, I wasn't good enough Marissa, and I didn't even think I was good enough for V and I had no idea why he should care so much for me. I got the easy way out. I got to transition and that solved a lot of problems for me. Though now I know I imagined those problems. I now know the Brother's consider me one of them even when I was human. Marissa loved me even though I was just a human. V has stood by me since the night I brought Beth to the Townhouse. But just like Qhuinn I couldn't see past what I saw wrong with myself. You have to give him time."

Blay wanted to believe him, he really did. "Butch, I can't, I just can't. I can't be rejected again. I can't do it. It's killing me. Look at me. I was just standing by the pool a few minutes ago thinking about drowning myself. How can you ask me to wait? I can't. I have to leave here. Leave the Brotherhood. I'll find another way to help with the war. I won't survive if I stay here."

Butch got to his feet and took Blay by the shoulders, "You can't leave. You have to stay. We need you. He needs you. You can't give up on him."

"I have to give up; I could have killed him tonight. If he rejects me again I will die. I'm dying inside all the time. I have to leave."

"You can't. If you love him like you say you have to stay. You have to fight for him. You have to," Butch was yelling and pleading and his grip was bruising Blay's shoulders.

"Why?" Blay cried.

"Because if you don't you'll wind up like V and me. Never knowing what would have been. Always wanting someone you can't have. Never finding peace. Feeling guilty all the time. Loving two people with your whole heart rips your soul to pieces."

Blay hugged the male for all he was worth. They both cried. Blay knew now he couldn't give up on Qhuinn. He couldn't let either of them become like Butch. He had to put his feelings away and help Qhuinn accept himself, and then maybe he could love him. And even if he didn't come to love him, Blay was going to make sure no matter who Qhuinn chose in life he would be whole to love them. "I'll stay, for him, I'll stay," he whispered to Butch.

Butch stepped back. "This stays between us, kid."

"Never thought otherwise," Blay answered.

"Good…"Butch stopped, hearing a scream from the front of the mansion.

"Fritz… Fritz… Help…"