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Chapter 30

Past Reunion

God, this wasn't happening! I could hardly believe, as I simply dropped to the ground, how surprisingly angry I was at the sudden turn of events. Sure I was surprised, even though I'd had a bad feeling, and of course I was afraid, I mean who wouldn't be, but my anger was the most prominent. I was growling through clenched teeth as I lay curled on the floor, hot, burnt air rushing above me, my face buried in my hands as I rode out the storm. Yet, as I thought about it quickly, trying to comprehend what was happening as well as calming myself, I knew what it was, or more precisely who I was angry at.

Crawford and his assurances, Crawford and his usually oh so reliable precognition, it was just lies. He had been careless, and now we were all in danger. I wasn't sure why I was so angry, I just couldn't control it.

It was a good thing in the end though, my rage, because if I hadn't been angry I would never have looked up when I did, trying to search out that cream suit through the chaos, and I never would have seen Schu standing there, hugging his arms around himself away from the blast; I would never have seen the boulder sized chunk of debris rushing determinedly towards him.

"Schu look out!"

Sometimes I have to wonder why I never really ever thanked Crawford for what he did for me. Sure I've had opportunities, but you have lots of moments in our line of work to say thanks for something or other, be it for someone saving your life or simply passing the butter. Yet I've always found it hard do it, not that I ever felt the compulsion to. I never did thank him, but then I've never given anyone a proper thank you for anything. Gratitude, I think it's one of the thing s that got lost along the way, one of the many…

Yet, right now, when life's turning upside down, it's odd the things that flash through your mind; like wondering how the simple things that once made you human seeped out of your everyday life. I've often wondered just when I stopped caring, but it's hard to pin pint. Sure there are major events that really any psychologist worth their salt would leap on for an answer but…it's not quite that simple, things rarely are. It took its time, this new style of life, creeping up on me until it was forced to pounce. Crawford never was the patient type, or the forgiving type either. Crawford was another who never said Thank You. Perhaps that's why Crawford never reprimanded me for my lack of appreciation, scalded me, even brought it up. So why was I thinking about this now of all times, when I had never even considered it wrong before?

"So do as I tell you before I kill you myself and save the people I'm protecting you from some trouble."

Ha, I guess he always treated it more with contempt, like I was more of a chore than his charge. His charge, it always did seem strange to me, but then like most things I tried not to think about them back then. It was just all one big mess that I wasn't willing, or felt I was liable, to sort out. I was just a victim, like everyone else in the world, and when faced with that crossroads, I selected path no.2. The sunny life never really struck a chord for me, I'm just a glutton for punishment. I just wanted to escape the world, to forget everything; yet, in reality, when it came down to it, I didn't really want it all wiped away…

"God, Crawford help me! Help me you bastard, agh..!"

"Hold still and play nice you little shit, this won't hurt!"

"Stop, stop! I don't want to forget, get your damn hands of me!"

"Give him the sedative; he's not going to clam down otherwise. It's just making my job harder."

"No, no, no! You bastard, you knew this was going to happen didn't you! You bastard! Don't make me do it, don't make me!"

-If you want to save yourself, you know what you need to do…-

"NO!"

I think, that was the day I really died. Sure my hand was forced, I knew what I was doing and I consciously decided to take action but…I had been fooling myself before then, thinking of the one time before that, the time when I lost everything close to me. That meant nothing to what I lost that day, everything that I had built up around me came crashing right back down to ground zero. I wanted to just curl up and die, but the feeling didn't last that long. I was out of it, but I was coherent enough to fight back. Not that it really bothers me now, but at the time, when I was still new to killing, it had taken everything out of me. I couldn't help but have flashbacks to before, to the only other time that blood had affected me so much as it did then. When I saw it on my hands I couldn't help but start screaming because it was just like that night…when I lost everything. But then, in the end, loosing everything close to me meant that I could only hold on more tightly to what I had left.

Myself. I was all I had left. And I hated it.

I had wanted to forget for so long, all the screams that I wished I had never heard, all the blood washed away by so many tears; but the stains never come out. Some things can't be forgotten, and anyway without them you loose a part of yourself. I am what I was made to be, call it fate, call it justice, call it whatever the fuck you like. I am what I was made to be, no matter who engineered it. To loose that part of myself, it had been unimaginable. On the plane journey there I was thinking over the prospect of being brainwashed as if I were wondering whether the weather would be nice tomorrow. I couldn't really fathom the idea in my head, couldn't ground it to anything familiar, to me it was just another trial to overcome. Even Crawford sat in peace the entire time, flipping through papers as if he were on his way to an important meeting or seminar that he had to prepare for. He hardly talked to me and he kept his mind closed and cold. He even fell asleep at one point, I remember because his glasses fell off his lap and I had to pick them up before someone stood on them and…

…and I remember thinking that it was odd, that I was doing something without being ordered to; I was doing it because I thought, "hey Crawford will be pissed if he wakes up blind", but I was also doing it because I..? What? Cared? Was that what it really was? The thought had thrown me at the time, made me think that maybe I was going mad because I knew well fine that I didn't care about anyone. I wasn't being arrogant, it's just the truth. I knew that I didn't care because I had cared once, and I had never come close to that feeling again. Crawford was a mentor and, of course he had taken me under his wing but, well, he was still different. Even though I preferred him over the others at Rosenkreuz I never once considered him my friend. One didn't make friends at Rosenkreuz, you made allies. And I knew that was why he had looked after me, because I was strong, even if I didn't utilise it properly. I knew why I didn't and I didn't give a crap that I was pissing off the high-ups or even Crawford himself because…I had never cared about anyone since that one moment. So I had just laughed against my palm as I leaned against the arm rest, looking out the window to the darkness of the night with my head in my hand. Wondering to myself just what it would life would be like if I had never even been there that day to see all that blood mixed amidst that one cruel smile.

Not like this.

Not chaos.

Not death.

Not fear and pain and loathing.

When the wall exploded I'd expected something to hit me. The huge chunks of flying debris came close enough, and I didn't notice that one particular death carrying piece until it was too late to dodge it. It just sailed towards me, uncaring, but then the shield that Nagi threw up around me was sufficient enough protection. I remembered smiling as I thought about it, how close I had been to death and I hadn't even tried to move. Was it because I knew I would be saved, or was it because of something else? Did I rely on them to protect me, my team mates? Nagi was protected me, but then I did the same for him. Did he consider me a friend? I had always felt that sort of vibe from him, that he felt there was some sort of bond between us, even thought I wasn't really sure where he had gained this twisted idea. Sure I definitely preferred his company to Crawford's but then who wouldn't? Nagi was fragile and needed looking after, even if he was a tough little bastard at the core of it. I felt like taking him on, under my wing I guess…and what of it? Eh? It has nothing to do with caring so don't even bring the "c" word into this!

"Schu, look out!"

His voice was so full of emotion. I wondered if I'd ever be able to feel that much for someone again. In those split seconds, between the time that I was encased in Nagi's protection to the moment that it dropped and I was suddenly exposed, I felt myself smiling. I mean really smiling, and it wasn't a good thing. It was remorse and it was pity and it was the knowing that I never would feel it; and I felt it all for myself.

When I finally felt hands grabbing my arms, a keen mind penetrating my own distracted one, I hardly even resisted. I tried not to think about the things that it was suggesting I do, the things it was trying to make me remember; like the crimson on my fingertips refusing to scrub off, kneeling on the floor while my body turned numb, the sound of that one gargled choke of a scream that ended in a slow release of breath, like a soul escaping from a body. I tried to ignore the biting of nails into my flesh as the world around me began to blur, the smoke of the explosion twisting around me like mating snakes, the figure beside me becoming more and more apparent even as they tried to shield themselves. The long hair danced wildly as she careened into me, her slim fingers tangling in my shirt and gripping my arms as she picked me up from the ground. I felt my feet leave the earth, my head reeling with the overload of memories; her smiling down at me, that cruel smile…just like she was doing now. It had been the same that night, exactly the same.

I think I heard Nagi calling my name as I felt the wind rush through my ears as if it meant to suck out my very life. I found it hard to breathe, I couldn't shout a reply, I couldn't fight back as I lost myself within my own reminiscence.

Yet I couldn't let myself fall into the oblivion of unconsciousness either, not while I was forcing myself to relive that which I hadn't thought about for so long. I might as well have had it wiped from my mind, I never thought of it otherwise. But then it was different in the end. Not thinking about something was one thing, but not knowing of its existence at all was completely different. When you own it, even if you don't think about it, it's still always there. It lingers, deep down, like a cancer pulsing where my heart should be.

Like the cancer that was holding onto me now, taking me away from all that I had held dear once more.

Talk about history repeating itself.

"Schuldich! Schuldich!"

I was screaming, I knew I was. Never a good thing to do when you're under attack, never a good thing to do to give away your position to the enemy, never a good thing to do to loose your head when you're meant to be keeping your calm.

But it's not an easy thing to do when someone just disappears before your eyes.

"Schuldich! Schu…"

The impact knocked the words from my mouth, tumbling me to the floor winded and covered by a heavy warmth that pinned me to the floor. The dust rose as we hit, sliding along the floor before stopping, sending up clouds around us making me cough harshly. I tried not to let my emotions make me panic, focusing my power as I began to raise my hands out, pushing back against the weight above me instinctively.

"Don't move," they said.

Crawford. His arms were pushing my own back down from their raised position towards him as he lay on me, waiting before he continued to speak.

"There's something here."

I felt like punching him solely for the obviousness of his statement, but the seriousness in his tone, and the fact that he had uncharacteristically resorted to knocking me to the floor for whatever reason, was enough to make me follow his order. I couldn't see him from my twisted position, my face pointed towards the ground, lying on my side with Crawford half covering me, his hand still on my arm as he stayed silent above me. Yet despite the calmness of his tone I was still raging, even more now than before.

"They took Schu!" I hissed, "They took him from right in front of me!"

"I know," he said back softly, his weight lessening on me slightly as he made to rise, letting me turn my head to get a proper look around.

"What do you mean you know?" I growled, incredulous.

"I saw it," he shook his head, his eyes dark through the misty dust; I noticed his glasses were missing, his suit filthy, "but I was too late."

"Crawford," my voice became even deeper, hoarse almost as I tried to restrain myself, my anger overriding my need to understand my situation, "why didn't you..!"

"Quiet," he snapped authoritatively, standing fully now, looking down on me, "you need to focus Nagi, this is important."

Odd words I had thought at the time, not quite what I had thought he was going to say. Yet I never really had time to think about their deeper meaning because a voice was suddenly calling out through the settling dust, like a siren in the fog. It was clear voice, ringing and yet subtle, familiar and yet warped. It made my blood both freeze and boil simultaneously, although it wasn't the tone that merited that reaction. The figure was becoming more and more distinct as I sought out the dark shape in the white haze, standing over two kneeling figures, his outstretched hand unmistakably holding a gun.

"Oh, and I have to remember to thank you for the help Crawford-san. We couldn't have done this without your, how should I say it…lack of foresight?"

It was his words.

AN: Errrr, ummm, ghhh. I know this chapter is a little weird, and I'm sorry for not focusing on Ran and Ken more considering this is their story, but I'm getting carried away with Schu and Brad. I can't help it! Don't you think that Schwartz are just too irresistible to write because their pasts are so mysterious? Okay, well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Right, so I will get back to Ran and Ken next chapter, promise! And please review, I'd really like to know if you're all still liking the direction I'm going in! Domo arigato gozaimasu!