She knew she was dying. The blood was soaking through her cargo trousers and warming her legs that had begun to feel cold. Above her she heard Kim's voice soothing her, the occasional break in her words for a small sob telling Kerry that all was not as well as she was being told. She opened her eyes briefly, catching a glimpse of Kim's blonde curls, inches from her face and feeling the beginnings of the long predicted rain beginning to pepper her face.
Closing her eyes again, Kerry lost herself in the moment, remembering the first time she had experienced the rain here. It was nothing like the rain back home. The dull sounds of the drops running off of the large leaves of the trees above and landing on top of the sheet metal roofing of the clinic had compelled Kerry to step outside and witness the ruckus. She had stood there in the doorway of the clinic for several minutes, breathing in the air as if the water had refreshed it. The smells of sickness and infection washed away all at once, leaving a cool aftermath that Kerry stepped out into, letting the rain soak into her clothes and hair.
Coming round as if from an incredible dream, Kerry once again gazed up at the face above her and realised it was not rain she was feeling, but tears rolling from Kim's cheeks. There was a bright light behind her, causing Kerry to squint. "What..." Her words trailed off as her eye lids began to droop over her eyes once more, "What..." But before she could finish she fell back into unconsciousness.
...
"Okay, I'll stay." Kim conceded as she removed her coat, placing it back on the coat hook in Doc Magoos. She moved around Kerry and sat back down in her seat, folding her arms on the table, waiting for Kerry to join her.
Sighing with relief, Kerry sat down opposite the blonde, removing her own coat with difficulty before giving her attention to Kim. Although she had just confronted the tall woman, Kerry became shy all of a sudden, keeping her eyes lowered to the table between them. She sat like this for a moment before steeling herself up to looking into the piercing blue eyes that held her there. "To be honest I didn't expect you to stay."
"To be honest I didn't expect to hear you ask me to." Kim replied, her features beginning to soften, the tension from the day settling away but not forgotten. "So what did you want to talk about Kerry?"
"How about Christmas." Kerry began, "And not being on the same page."
Kim nodded, knowing exactly what Kerry meant. "Ok, what about it exactly?"
"Well what if I am."
"If you are what Kerry?"
"On the same page."
Kim sat back in her seat, her eyes never leaving Kerry's. "Okay..." She exhaled, "So now you're on the same page?"
"Damnit Kim this is hard enough for me as it is." Kerry stated plainly, rubbing her eyes with her hands. Kim could see the stress in her eyes, something she had missed that day and now regretted pushing her so hard. "I don't want to fight with you anymore Kim, okay? I just want..."
"What do you want Kerry? Thanksgiving aside, Christmas aside, today aside, what do you want? Friendship? Because I've already told you I can't do that. Not again." Kim explained, leaning forwards her voice somewhat pleading now.
Kerry took a moment to watch the woman in front of her. Being the Chief of ER, she was well aware as to the lack of friends she had and the increasing workload and one day everything had changed. Dr Kimberley Legaspi had come down from Psych to introduce herself. She had taken Kerry's hand and shook it gently, revealing a bright smile and twinkling eyes. "I'm sure we'll get to know each other a little better." She had told Kerry who found herself smiling back at this enigmatic woman. Before she knew it they were becoming fast friends and taking their lunches together. Lunch became dinners; dinners became an awkward confession of Kim's attraction to Kerry and culminated in a desperate and unrequited kiss in the doctor's lounge.
As rain began to pound against the windows beside them, Kerry came back from her memories to Kim who sat before her now, waiting to see where this was going to lead. Reaching forward, Kerry took one of Kim's hands under her own, tracing the fragile bones that lay beneath her worn fingers. "I want to be with you."
...
She stormed out into the rain, her blonde curls and coat whipping up behind her in the wind. She was angry; Kerry could tell that much as she tried to keep up with the woman in front of her but shorter legs and a crutch slowed her down, forcing her to shout out. "Slow down Kim! Just talk to me!"
"About what Kerry?" Kim spun around facing the soaked woman in front of her. Kerry had run out of the ER in just her pants suit, her white coat hanging limply on her frame.
"Please Kim just come inside-" Kerry asked, blinking the raindrops out of her eyes, she didn't see Kim move closer until she towered over the smaller woman.
"You want to talk so bad then talk Kerry, I'm in a rush." Kim stared somewhere over Kerry's shoulder into the bustling ER, not wanting to show Kerry just how heartbroken she was.
"Don't leave like this Kim, I'm sorry about what has happened, it's all my fault..."
"Really Kerry? You think?" Kim found herself snapping at the fragile woman in front of her. She could see Kerry starting to shake from the cold and all she wanted to do was reach forward and hold her close but she held herself back.
Feeling the warm tears run down her face, mixing with the rain, Kerry searched Kim's eyes. For a split second she thought she saw a flicker of remorse but it quickly vanished, replaced by anger. "I don't know what else to say Kim."
"You never did Kerry. Maybe I'll see you around." With that Kim turned around again, brushing back her damp curls and wiping the tears from her eyes before heading out of the ambulance bay, slowing only to allow an ambulance past, its sirens wailing.
Standing numb in the rain, Kerry blurted out "I love you!" But she knew it would go unheard to all but herself above the siren. The doors behind her opened and Luka was suddenly at her side, moving towards the ambulance.
"Kerry do you need a hand out here?" Luka asked, studying the Chief's face. He had seen her follow Kim out into the rain moments ago and he thought her eyes looked red and sore but made no allusion to this, instead saying, "Perhaps you should head in to warm up, Carter can help me with this one."
She shook her head, her eyes moving slowly from the entrance of the bay to Luka's, "No, I'm fine. What have we got?"
...
She leant back further into the deep sofa, a cup of coffee warming her hands. An open book lay on her knees but she quickly swept it off onto the floor, tucking her legs beneath her. It was always quiet at this time when Sandy worked nights so Kerry usually kicked back with a journal or paperwork but tonight had been different. The words had begun to dance on the page in front of her as the tears obscured her vision.
They had fought again. It was starting to become a regular occurrence, especially after the miscarriage. Kerry knew she was looking for a fight but when you wanted something so bad what else was there to do? She had let too many things pass her by and this wasn't going to be one of the many regrets she would look back on.
"You know I can't do this Kerry," Sandy pulled her jacket on, the frustration evident in her voice. She pulled her dark curls from under the collar and levelled Kerry with a steady gaze. "Do we have to keep having this conversation?"
Kerry had stood up as quick as her crutch would allow, facing her wife. "You know what this means to me Sandy, don't you want it to?"
"Yeah but if it comes down to choosing between having this baby and my career... You know I can't do it Kerry. Please don't make me." Sandy stepped forward, reaching out to Kerry who only batted her arms away, her eyes fierce.
"But it was okay for me to right? And look what happened!"
"Hey!" Sandy's voice rose, "Stop trying to blame everything on me! The miscarriage wasn't my fault." With those last words she had picked up her bag slinging it over her shoulder and walking out.
Sighing heavily into her cup of coffee, Kerry shut her eyes for a moment, listening to the rain as it tapped gently against the window. The noise began to lull her to sleep so she reached forwards and placed the cup on the table in front of her before lying out on the sofa, watching the rain drops running down the panes. Soon sleep overwhelmed her until she awoke to a blanket being draped over her gently, signs of the rain from the night before gone.
...
"You like that honey?" Kerry held Henry in her arms, standing in the doorway to their yard. The rain was pouring from the storm clouds above, thunder rolling in the distance. "You like the rain?" The young toddler held his hands out gently at first, testing the drops that covered his hands and run down his chubby fingers.
Looking up at Kerry in amazement, his eyes lit up with happiness. There wasn't much Henry liked at the moment. Food, baths... God did he hate his baths. But rain? He smiled broadly, reaching both arms out towards the dark sky, grunting his wishes. Kerry looked down at her son, smoothing down the beginnings of his red hair.
Before she knew it she had stepped out into the yard, enjoying the cool rain running down both of them. She listened to Henry's gurgles of enjoyment and watched as he clapped his hands as if trying to catch the falling drops.
"You know me and your mummy met like this." Kerry explained to Henry who, of course, was paying her no attention. "It was the worst storm I had seen in a long time and we were both outside, just like us now." She smiled down at Henry, who turned to face her, wiping the rain off of her cheek roughly, smiling. "And now here I am, with you." She kissed his forehead, feeling the moist rain against her lips.
They both stood like this for what seemed like forever until the rain eventually slowed and stopped. As the sun appeared once more, Henry began to fidget in her arms. She took one last look up at the sky, the bright rays of the sun warming her face before she turned and headed inside with Henry wrapped tight in her arms.
Friday
The rain began to pound harder on the roof waking up the occupant of the room. Kim lifted her head slowly from the bed, rubbing her cheek slowly where the crumpled sheets had most likely left their marks. She looked at the empty bed in front of her; the faint smell of Kerry still lingered there. Exhaling, Kim closed her eyes feeling the tears that wanted to fall once more. She had never cried so much in her life but for this to happen after all this time, it was unbearable. A noise came from behind her and she looked up, the tears slowing.
"Is this all you've done?" Kerry asked lazily, leaning heavily on her crutch with her other hand protectively around her stomach, playing with the bandages. Her eyes followed Kim as she stood up, moving towards the fragile woman. This time there was no anger, no pain. Just relief. She reached her arms out, wrapping them gently around Kerry's body, trying to avoid pressing too close.
"I've missed you so much." Kim breathed into Kerry's hair, rubbing her back tenderly. Pulling away slightly, Kim looked up into the blue eyes, glittering from the tears.
"I've only been to the toilet and back." Kerry found herself laughing, hissing as a small pain started in her stomach. Kim looked concerned but Kerry quickly brushed it aside, "It's fine, really. Just a little tender."
Kim stood back, studying Kerry for a moment. She reached into her trouser pocket, pulling out the plain gold band that days ago Kerry had put into her shirt. Placing it gently into Kerry's palm, the redhead stared at it, a look of confusion on her face. "What's wrong?" Kim asked instinctively, reaching forward a protective hand to Kerry's abdomen.
"Nothing it's just... I think I had a strange dream the other night." Kerry brushed the thought aside, placing the ring into her breast pocket once more. "Must have been the drugs."
"Yeah, sure." Kim nodded, her eyes concerned for a moment but quickly passing. "I think perhaps you should get back into bed, get some rest."
Kerry nodded, accepting Kim's arms around her waist and guiding her onto the soft mattress. She lay back gently, letting Kim take the crutch from her and prop it against the wall. As Kim leant close, Kerry planted a soft kiss on the other woman's lips, smiling as Kim began to blush. Nestling her head into the pillow, Kerry stared up at the roof above her. "Don't you just love the rain... it's so relaxing..."
Trying not to think back to the last time she had witnessed the rain with Kerry, Kim replied, "It is isn't it? Anyway, get some sleep okay, I'll be in to check on you a bit later."
"I should hope so," Kerry managed a quick wink before her eyes shut heavily, the fatigue washing over her.
Kim stepped back, watching Kerry as she fell into sleep. She had been lucid the night of the shooting, the lack of anaesthetic and shock combined enough for the redhead to babble uncontrollably as they had fought to save her life. She had heard Sandy's name being called out and Henry's, but what struck her most was that Kerry had spoken Kim's too; followed by the words she had always longed to hear from the usually emotionally closeted woman.
"I love you too Kerry."
A/N – Ok so please let me know what you think. I didn't fancy a chapter of big words on how to save her life so I chose to focus instead on important flashbacks that Kerry feels as she's dying. I really enjoyed writing this one so look forward to seeing what you all thought.