Hey guys, I know I promised quick updates, but I had an eye infection and I could barely see the screen... It's actually still a little foggy now, but its much better, and much less painful than it was before. So there's my excuse. Pledged and Tossing readers- same thing. I actually have chapters half written for those too, but I haven't been able to post them yet.

This is a little insight into Kate's head for the first half of the first chorus.

enjoy!

MTAM

Tell me what you want to hear

Something that will light those ears

Sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

A warm weight settled so heavily in Kate Beckett's chest that she had to sit down in order to avoid crashing onto the floor. She sunk to her chair, feeling the burden from the implications that had come with the words Esposito had just spoken to her. She considered those words carefully, imaging them written on her infamous 'Murder Board' that sat on its wheels across the room.

"Beckett, think about it," Esposito had said gently, "Why do you think he still follows you around? He has to have enough research for more than fifty books by now. Whatever the reason is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy."

She would like to believe that he still needed more inspiration. She would like to believe that he liked their friendship, and that was all. There was no denying that they had become almost inexplicably close, it was easy to see.

They were never far from the same page. A vast majority of the time, not only were the two on the same page, they were on the same sentence, even the same word. They finished each other's sentences, bouncing ideas back and forth with an ease that usually only comes from not only working together, but having a deep personal connection for years. Yet it had been such a short time, respectively.

The toll of the job was heavy, but as she had told him once, he made it a little more fun. She was grateful for that. She knew that many homicide detectives had to seek counseling because of the stress and emotion that was a part of their everyday work. Castle seemed to be keeping her from that recently. Just having him around made all of her emotions quell just enough. She couldn't quite explain it, but he gave her a certain grounding; she counted on it.

Their relationship had been strained, stretched and tested more than once, and every time, they had bounced back. The problem was, there was so much insincerity between them. She knew that while each of them wanted to say so many things for so long, they had both bitten their tongues many times.

Kate felt so guarded around him, especially during their first few cases together. She didn't want to merely be another notch on the famous author's bedpost. She was a 'one and done' girl, something that she eventually told Castle. He didn't trust him. No, that wasn't quite it. She trusted him, he had shown his valour and his trustworthiness on a number of occasions. Just because he wouldn't stay in the car, and was more curious for his own good when it came to her mother's unsolved murder, didn't mean he wasn't courageous when he distracted killers with a headbutt or a punch, in order to give Beckett a better shot at her collar.

Where she didn't trust him, initially, was with her heart. His playboy reputation and his blatant immaturity were huge waving red flags to her. She was fiercely independent and self sufficient, and if she wanted to be more like Nikki Heat than she already was, she would be able to go out and find a friend with benefits at the drop of a hat. But despite all of those things, that wasn't her style. Just because she appeared to have that potential on the outside, didn't mean that was her persona. Kate Beckett was more complicated than she even would admit to herself.

She knew she wasn't the easiest person to get close to. Her walls had been built at an early age, and just grew thicker with time. The effect that different life events had to her rarely showed on the outside, but rather just added layers to her self-named 'Beckett Onion'

Her mother's murder made her tough but compassionate. It made her good at her job, determined to find closure for others that she herself couldn't find. But it also made her feel broken deep inside. Her parents made her kind and cultivated her good heart. She had standards, and morals, and knew what she wanted. She really had to admit; she was a huge tossed salad of traits.

All these thoughts rushed through her head at lightening speed. She wasn't sure what she was going to do about it, but she knew she needed to start letting Castle in. Wait! The Hamptons, she thought. It would be a great start, and she had to admit, getting away for a while would be a good idea. She never allowed herself a vacation, and as Lanie had told her so many times, she could use a little fun, and Rick Castle was definitely fun.

As soon as she shook the stunned feeling that had settled over her like a fog, she gathered up her things and left the 12th, heading home for the night. With each step she took, she formed the plan that she would unleash the next day. She wasn't going to pour her soul out; just kick-start the process. She just had to play it the right way. She smiled to herself, finally realizing that this was what she wanted, and her initial feeling of inevitable heartbreak was wrong.

The one time I'm glad I'm wrong, she thought.

*sniffle* I know, right? Sorry to leave it a bit sad (because we all know what happens...) hope to have the next chap up by the end of the week... its written, and if my eye behaves, I can edit and post it soon.

reviews are appreciated, loves! :)

Thanks!