All Characters and All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer
A/N - Ok so this is a much longer chapter. I was originally going to do this in both Bella and Jasper's POV but decided to go with just Jasper's. There is a method to my madness. I already have it planned that Bella's POV on the whole matter of Edward leaving will be addressed later in the story. Again, my many thanks for those that have reviewed, added this story to their favorites, or added this story or me to their alerts. You guys rock!
JPOV
Once we were on our way it hit me that I didn't have the foggiest clue where we were headed. I figured I'd be pushing it if I brought Bella to Peter and Char's, unsure if she'd be comfortable with it or not. I had my own cabin set off from the main house but maybe being in her element might be more conducive to the conversations about to take place. If she didn't handle the "catching up" so well she wouldn't have to deal with needing to be driven home. I pulled into a gas station parking lot so I wouldn't have to shout over the dull roar of the wind. Kicking out the kickstand I slid off the bike, pulling Bella with me.
"Umm late night craving for a super slushy and a corn dog Jazz?" Bella deadpanned, unable to hold back her giggle as she cocked her head towards the 24-hour gas station/convenience store.
My first thought was, if she only knew. I was most definitely starting to crave something and it sure wasn't a super slushy or corn dog. What the hell was wrong with me, this was Bella! She'd for all intents and purposes been like a little sister to me when her and Edward were a couple. All these rather new and unexpected reactions to the more grown up Bella made me wonder though if I'd have seen her the same way back then if I hadn't perceived her as belonging to Edward, or been allowed within fifteen feet of her without Alice or Edward supervising. I decided that subtlety would be much more effective than proclaiming that if I was craving anything it was her. A craving that had absolutely nothing to do with her blood.
"Bella darlin' as much as I've been enjoying having your little arms wrapped around me, you still haven't told me where this home of yours is that I'm supposed to be giving you a ride to." Yeah real subtle Whitlock I mentally berated myself.
I heard her breath hitch, the scent of her arousal again perfuming the air around us. A blush stained her cheeks and if possible her eyes turned an even deeper shade of brown. A picture flashed through my mind of Bella with her dark curls surrounding her lovely face; eyes like black pools; perfectly pink lips parted in a moan as I rose above her. I snapped my eyes shut essentially blocking out the enticing thought, trying to regain control of the part of my body it was effecting the most. Fuck me, I was turning into a masochist.
"Why Jasper Whitlock, are you flirting with me?" Bella's soft lilt did nothing to calm my errant body and mind.
"And if I am?" I cocked one eyebrow at the still blushing girl looking up at me from where she was leaning against my bike.
"Keep it up, it's cute." she giggled as she hopped back on the back of my bike patting the spot in front of her while she rattled off her address.
My ego along with a certain part of my anatomy that had been on the fast track to becoming an obvious bulge in my pants deflated like a balloon. Cute? Had she seriously called me cute? I was a fucking terrifying vampire, the very top of the food chain; never mind my superhuman strength and speed and she'd called me cute. I was rendered speechless.
I could still hear and feel her giggles as I settled back on my Ducati. Bella's arms were once again wound around me as I pulled back into traffic. My wounded ego received a minor lift when I heard what could only be described as a contented sigh as she settled her body closer to mine.
Bella's led the way into the white brick French Colonial where her apartment was located. My hand was resting once again on her lower back as she fished the door keys out of her purse. I gently plucked the keys out of her hand, unlocking and opening the door for her.
"Uh, thanks." she looked up at me in surprise.
"Sugar, I'm nearly 150 years old. So sue me if I'm a little old fashioned." I shrugged my wide shoulders as I followed her inside.
I knew stepping through that door was going to be the most important test of my control in the past two years. Before I could venture to far inside the diminutive space I took a deep breath, inhaling her scent that was so much stronger in this space that was exclusively hers. I felt…….nothing, well almost nothing. There was a slight burn in my throat, so mild that it wasn't even enough to trigger the venom that so often accompanied a concentrated human scent.
"You ok Jasper?" a note of concern in her voice
"I'm perfect." I flashed her a wide grin, beyond relieved and elated that my initial immunity to the scent of her blood hadn't been a fluke. I stepped further inside, softly closing the door behind me.
"Have a seat" she gestured to the overstuffed sofa, heaped with colourful throw pillows. "I need a human moment, make yourself comfortable." She slipped through the door leading to what I presumed was her bedroom.
Lowering myself onto the soft Bella scented sofa I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I reflected on how much my life had been altered in just a few short hours tonight. There was no way I'd be able to walk out of here tonight and have things go back to how they were before she stumbled back into my life. Walking away from her again was just not going to be an option.
"If I didn't know better I'd swear you were sleeping Jazz." I'd never realized how addicting it was to hear her laugh.
And there she was. The Bella of my memories standing in front of me. Dressed in green flannel pyjama pants and a matching tank top; her face scrubbed free of makeup; her mantle of hair hanging in waves down her back, this was the Bella I remembered so clearly.
"Come sit." I cocked my head to the empty space beside me.
She sat on the couch, turning her body towards me. Tucking her legs up to sit Indian style she hugged a bright purple throw cushion to her chest.
"So where do we start?" The humour having vanished from her voice.
"In my experience the beginning is the best place. If you don't mind Bella I'd like to start." There was so much I needed to tell her, to explain.
"Not a bit, I'm all ears." her voice was soft, her eyes focused on me
"I know you don't blame me for what happened at your party Bella but for the longest time I blamed myself." I put up my hand to stop her from interrupting.
"After Emmett and Rose dragged my ass outside it didn't take long before I was hit with the largest dose of self loathing I'd ever experienced. Bella, I considered myself the worst kind of monster for what I tried to do to you. You had only ever shown me kindness. What made it even worse was that you'd trusted me. I had never even felt fear directed at me from you. It amazed me because fear is usually the first reaction I provoke in humans. Even in the midst of it all, when I was fighting to get to you I felt very little fear or anger coming from you. Do you know what I felt in place of that fear and anger?"
She lightly shrugged her shoulders, drawing her lower lip between her teeth.
"Compassion, concern; sadness…….but almost no fear and absolutely no anger. What astounded me even more was that those emotions were all aimed at me. You felt compassion and concern for me. The monster that was doing his damnedest to end your life."
Bella's eyes were soft as she explained. "I knew you didn't mean to do it Jasper. Besides how could I be angry at you for acting on instinct, I was always aware of the possible danger I'd placed myself in." She rested a hand on my leg in comfort as I continued to speak.
"I've never been one to make excuses for my actions or lay the blame on what I am. After all, look at Carlisle. He is control incarnate. For the longest time I shouldered the blame for what happened that night and the chain of events it set off, regardless of what my family told me."
"Jazz did you ever stop to consider that other's played their own role in what happened that night?" Her insight surprised me.
"Yeah darlin' I have, and I'm getting to that." I assured her
"For decades I'd been the weakest link in the Cullen family. Admittedly at first I did struggle intensely with the blood lust. The vast majority of the time I'd spent in this life I'd fed on humans. That though is a story for another time." I anticipated a negative reaction to my admission instead Bella continued to convey only feelings of compassion and interest.
"You need to understand that for my kind, ceasing the consumption of human blood and adoping a vegetarian lifestyle is not the same as say a human deciding they are no longer going to eat meat. It's more comparable to a drug addict deciding they are going to abstain from their drug of chose. Human blood doesn't just sustain our kind, it alleviates a burn that cannot be snuffed out any other way."
"Edward once told me that my blood was like an addiction to him, his own personal drug." she offered
I nodded. "Yours more so than any other for him Bella, you are his singer. Your blood sings to him, the fact that he was able to resist the temptation of your blood at all is indeed a testament to his control." I had to give my brother kudos for the restraint he'd shown.
"My control however was limited for sometime and I had many slip-ups. As time went on my control did in fact increase to the point that I could interact fairly well with humans. However, my family never did seem to have faith that I could continue toresist. If I so much as thought about feeding from a human Alice would have a vision of it, and Edward would read the thought in my mind. It was pointless trying to explain to them that even though I may have indeed thought of drinking from a human,; fantasized about it even, it did not automatically translate into me acting on those thoughts. I believe it was a combination of my past coupled with this fact that cemented their doubts. After some time I reached a point that I doubted my own control and unfortunately allowed my family to dictate who I could be around, how often I should hunt; and the like. Soon it became a question of not if, but when I would slip-up again. Ever hear the term self-fulfilling prophecy? Well sugar that was me in a nutshell." I paused, allowing Bella to absorb everything I was telling her.
"Jazz…" she began, her voice gaining strength as she continued. "Many times I thought the same thing. I wasn't blind to how they seemed to hover whenever you were among humans, especially me. It often confused me as to why they thought your resolve to share their lifestyle was so weak. I've seen a vampire look at me like their prey." Bella shuddered, remembering I'm sure the clearing where we'd played baseball and how James and his companions had looked at her when they'd discovered she was a human.
"You never looked at me that way." she asserted
"I swear Bella, I never saw you that way. I'm sure you are wondering how I can say that after trying to attack you but please believe me when I say I never saw you as, well as food. Carlisle being the exception, one thing with my kind is that when we smell fresh exposed blood we want it. Those, like my family that have years of practise at resisting the pull generally can. Imagine though wanting something to the point that you have to use every ounce of control you possess to refuse the temptation, then multiply that by five." Five, the number of others in our home that night tempted by Bella's blood. They had been able to diffuse the temptation her blood had been to them but not before i'd felt their combined blood lust.
I could see understanding dawning on Bella's face, her eyes widening at the implication. "They all wanted my blood that night didn't they Jasper,? Except Carlisle that is." Her voice was but a whisper. "Being an empath not only did you have to fight to control your own blood lust, but also that of the others being projected around you. Oh my god, and the sheer magnitude of blood lust you must have felt from Edward himself" Tears formed in her eyes, her lower lip trembling. "I'm so sorry, I never even realized how horrifically impossible it must have been for you to even try to resist."
With a gentle sweep of my finger tips I wiped away the tears that had started to slip down Bella's cheeks. "Don't cry sweetheart." I picked up her hand that was resting on my leg and placed it in mine, gently rubbing the thin skin of the top of her hand with my thumb.
"What happened after that night Jasper? What made you leave them, leave Alice?"
I struggled with how to make her understand how I'd walked away from my family, and my marriage. "Please understand Bella, the night of your 18th birthday was not the whole reason for why I left. It was an accumulation of many things over a long period of time. Alice and I had begun to drift apart long before you even entered our lives. It wasn't that we no longer loved each other, quite the opposite in fact. A part of me will always love her, she saved me Bella. She brought me to this life, and to those that are now my family. I wasn't in love with her though, and Alice wasn't in love with me. If I'm being completely honest we never really were in love. It was more for the the sake of comfort and companionship that we stayed together as long as we did. Alice and I talked at length about our relationship after Edward decided we were leaving Forks." I saw Bella cringe as my voice trailed off. "I'm sorry darlin', I can see how much it pains you to hear that it was his decision."
"It's ok, really. I knew it was his idea. It's just the first time it's been confirmed." Bella hung her head, her free hand picking at a non-existent piece of fuzz on her pyjama pants. " Please continue Jasper."
"Did Edward ever explain to you how vampires mate for life Bella?" Her understanding of this fact was essential to her being able to accept why mine and Alice's marriage had ended.
"Somewhat, but not in any great detail." was her response.
"Alright well I'm sure you know that physically vampires cannot change or be altered." She nodded her head in the affirmative. "Because we are not so easily altered, when we fall in love it changes us in a way that little else can. We love intensely and except in the very rarest of occasions, only once. True mates, mate for life Bella and one will never willingly leave the other. This is why I say that Alice and I were never in love. She found me and we came to the Cullens together, it just seemed like the natural progression of things for us to stay together. At least until it was time for us not to. So when the family left Forks, I didn't go with them."
Memories of the night Alice and I had decided to end our marriage flooded my mind. It had been quite anti-climactic for the most part. For the first time in years Alice and I had been completely honest about our feelings. She'd of course had visions of our eventual parting but had thought as the years went on and neither of us had made any decision to part that they would eventually change. Jointly coming to the decision to dissolve our marriage had frankly been easier than telling the rest of the family. Carlisle and Esme had of course been saddened that the family they'd worked so hard to build seemed to be tumbling around them. Emmett had been angry at first, not being able to understand how I could leave Alice. In that way that Alice had about her, the little pixie had been able to make him understand. Edward had blamed himself, thinking that if he'd been able to resist bringing Bella into our lives the entire situation could have been avoided. He didn't, or couldn't understand that my almost attacking Bella hadn't caused Alice and I to make the decision to part, it had merely gave it the push it needed to finally occur. Remembering where I was, I allowed the memory to drift back to the recesses of my vast mind.
"Does any of this make sense to you?" Hoping I hadn't heaped to much on her
"Yeah it does, more than you know. It also explains why it seemed so easy for Edward to leave me. Like you and Alice, we were never meant to be forever." Bella shrugged almost casually, a pensive frown wrinkling her forehead.
"I'm sorry Bella." were the only words I had to comfort her.
"You know what? I always knew, in a way that we weren't meant to be and I've accepted and come to terms with his leaving. It took me a very long time but I did it." The pride she felt evident in her voice.
"I won't lie, when he left and took you all with him I died inside for a while. Everything that I was had been so wrapped up in him. I disappeared once he was gone. It felt like a giant hole had been ripped open inside of me, the part of me that he'd filled, that all of you had filled." her voice was almost void of emotion as she spoke.
Her beautiful face held a blank look, her eyes glazed as if in a trance as she told me about the time after we left Forks.
"I almost destroyed Charlie, he was out of his head worrying about whether I'd gone completely over the edge. I eventually started spending time with Jacob, you know my dad's friend Billy's son. From the reservation. Anyway I started doing the craziest things….."
A small smile flitted across her face. "Riding motorcycles with Jake, cliff jumping.."
I interrupted her. "You jumped off a cliff?"
"It was fun and besides, forgive me here because I'm going to sound like a complete whack job, but it was the only way I could hear him." Bella watched me intently presumably awaiting my reaction.
"Hear him?" I didn't completely understand what she meant by that.
"Like I said, I'm going to sound like a total loon. Whenever I would do something reckless I'd hear his voice, Edward's voice. It was him in typical Edward fashion telling me that what I was doing was dangerous. The day I jumped off the cliff was the last time I heard him." she explained
"Any idea why Bella?" I asked
"Many actually. You see my cliff jumping experience didn't go exactly as planned. Jake ended up jumping in to save me. He made me promise that the "evil knievel bullshit" was going to be a thing of the past." she made the symbol for quotes with the hand not enclosed in mine. "It was also the day that I became determined to take my life back, to stop living for Edward and begin living for me again."
"I wonder why Alice never saw any of this?" I mused aloud
"Maybe she just wasn't looking Jasper." I heard the resignation in her voice at what she believed to be true.
"It's not that simple darlin'. Once Alice is attuned to someone she can't just shut the visions off like a switch. I don't understand how she didn't see any of what you describe especially since you were making conscious decisions to do these things." This new development was troubling.
"I'm almost certain she's had at least one vision of me since you all left." Bella's voice was quiet and unsure
"Why do you say that?" I inquired.
Without a word Bell jumped up from her place on the sofa and walked into her room, returning seconds later with a folded sheet of paper in her outstretched hand. I took the white square from her hand, looking at her questioningly.
"Read it." she said simply as she resumed her place on the sofa.
I unfolded the paper, immediately recognizing Alice's elegant scrawl. I rapidly read through the letter before raising my eyes to Bella.
"How? Where did you get this Bella?" Wondering how and why Alice had finally made contact with her.
"You see Jazz, before I left Forks to move here I was finally at a place where I had reached a new level of acceptance when it came to Edward and your family. I had decided that I needed to say goodbye to him and your family before I could leave Forks and everything that had happened there behind me. I'd held onto you all so tight, afraid that If I didn't that even the memories would start to fade and disappear. It dawned on me though that I had to let go before I could leave Forks. The day I left I drove out to your house, it was the only physical reminder left of you all. Edward had made sure to take everything else with him." she paused as I felt a sense of melancholy settle over her.
"You don't have to continue Bella, I don't want you to have to experience all this sadness again." I reassured her.
"No, I'm good. Really Jazz, it's good for me to get this out. There has been no one I could talk to about any of this." she nodded her head, looking up at me through her lashes.
"If you're sure, carry on." I returned her hand back to my leg, embraced within my own
"Where was I? Right, the Forks house. Like I said I went there to say goodbye, to finally attempt to get a true sense of closure. To make a longer story somewhat shorter this letter was delivered to me there, along with a key to the house. Without a doubt I knew Alice had to have seen me going there."
"Did you get your closure Bella?" I was almost fearful that she'd decided she no longer wanted any of us in her life, and that this right now was just her final crack at putting it all behind her.
"I think so Jazz." her voice was so quiet, but I felt the sadness receding from her. "Actually I think I found a lot more than closure inside that house. For the first time in two years I allowed myself to remember the wonderful times I'd spent with all of you. The biggest test was going into Edwards room."
A slight smile was gracing her face and a sense of peacefulness almost. It was not the emotion I would have expected to be sensing from her. Did I want to hear this? As an empath I was quite aware of my own feelings, and I wasn't so sure I wanted to sit here and hear how she was still in love with Edward. What she said instead was something I was not expecting.
"In that room, surrounded by his things I had many self realizations." she rolled her eyes at me and grinned. "I know I sound like a 12 step program. Anyway, self-realizations." She took a deep breath before continuing. " I wasn't in love with him anymore Jasper."
Her admission stunned me to say the least but I said nothing, allowing her to continue.
"For so long I'd held so tight to my feelings for Edward, afraid that if I let them go that I'd forget him; that I'd have no proof that this perfectly beautiful boy had ever existed. I saw a picture of us all, taken in the clearing and it dawned on me that there was no way I could ever forget him. He was my first love Jasper, the one you never forget. But I was no longer that girl anymore, the girl that was in love with Edward left when he did. I found I was able to let both of them go, him as well as who I was when I was with him. I was able to start to look forward to my future, rather than dreading a future without him. Something that had been nearly impossible for me to fathom up to that point." Bella exhaled and seemed to pull herself up straighter, staring at me expectantly.
"I'm glad darlin', you deserve happiness." I was in awe of her strength, that she'd been able to face the demons haunting her and seek out her own form of absolution.
"The other thing I realized though Jazz was that everything I'd felt the past two years hadn't just all been about Edward. I'd loved, I still love your family like my own and it tore me apart thinking you had all just abandoned me so easily. Alice's letter changed that."
"I'm sorry you had to go through all that Bella. I can assure you though that the family leaving you behind was by no means an easy decision for them, for me to live with. Of course no one would say anything out loud, but being an empath I had the inside track on how they were all dealing with it. Carlisle and Esme truly felt like they were losing a child. Emmett, he felt your loss as much as anyone. He truly considered you his little sister. Rose, well she was a bit trickier…."
Bella's pealing laughter interrupted me. "Oh Jazz, It's no secret Rosalie didn't care much for me. You don't need to sugar coat it."
A sheepish look on my face I shrugged. " Yeah well you know Rose." It was all I could offer in the way of an explanation. "Alice though, Christ but it tore her apart to leave you Bella."
"I miss her Jazz. For the longest time I tried to stay angry at her for leaving me without saying goodbye. It was easier not to miss her if I was mad at her. But then……" Bella's voice hitched with unshed tears. "I got her letter and it hit me all of a sudden how very much I miss her. Her words, assuring me of the families love helped to heal a large part of the tear inside of me." The smile on her face was radiant.
"Never doubt their feelings for you Bella, they were and are still very real." I felt the need to reassure her.
"Jazz….." her voice trailed off as she looked at me shyly. "You uh never said how you felt about leaving." She looked adorable. Looking up at me through her dark lashes; her lower lip back between her teeth, an obvious sign that she was nervous.
I placed one finger on her lip popping it out from between her teeth, lightly tracing the width of her lip with my thumb. Her heart started to beat erratically, her lips parting in a small gasp. It pleased me to no end to realize that the gasp had not been one of alarm.
"Not a day went by sweetheart, when I didn't wonder how you were. I knew better than any of the rest the true depth of your feelings for the family. I also missed the way you made me feel. You had faith in me Bella, I could feel it every time you looked at me. The control I now have over my blood lust is in no small part because of you. Whenever I would struggle I would think of you, wanting to be the kind of being you thought me to be."
Tears pooled again in Bella's eyes but I could sense no sadness. Contentment, was the dominant emotion radiating off of her.
"Thank you Jasper for this, you have given me something no house, no letter, no amount of closure could. You've given me peace."
I watched her move towards me tentatively. Apparently her vampire etiquette returning as she sat up on her knees in front of me. Her eyes travelled over my face, studying my demeanour as she leaned forward and oh so gently wrapped her warm little arms around my neck. I sat still as stone as she buried her face in the space between my neck and shoulder. Gentle puffs of her breath warm against my cold skin. My stone like arms wrapped around her, tenderly pulling her onto my lap.
Never in my existence had something felt as amazing as holding Bella in my arms. The heat from her body warming me to the core. With her heart beating against where mine used to, I could almost imagine that it was my own heart beating in tandem with hers. I buried my face in her thick curls, breathing in the sweet scent of strawberries. Without a doubt I knew that the magnificent girl in my arms was what I'd spent my existence waiting for. The depth of what I was feeling for her wasn't what had me stunned, after all it was natural for my kind to experience swift and intense all consuming love once they'd found their mate. No, what had thrown me was that I was having these feelings for Bella and why they had taken until seeing her again tonight to surface rather than two years ago. I knew I would have to proceed with caution, humans didn't experience love the same way we did. It was rarely instantaneous for them the way it was for us.
"Bella….." my voice had taken on a deep huskiness
"I feel it too Jasper." she whispered. I was astounded that she'd been able to anticipate what I was feeling. That was supposed to be my gift.
Raising her head so that our faces were level she murmured, "I'm frightened though." The guilt she was giving off was palpable.
I took a deep breath my body didn't need waiting for her to continue.
"I'm not frightened of you, I swear!" her wide eyes begging me to believe her, and I did. I couldn't sense her focusing any identifiable fear in my direction.
"It's just everything is happening so fast Jazz. When I woke up this morning the very last place I expected I would be tonight is in your arms." Her voice held a note of awe.
I loosened my hold around her, allowing my arms to drop so that I was barely cradling her warm body against mine. It was not my intention to bring her discomfort.
"Please don't give up Jasper, I want this." She curled her body in closer to mine. "I'm just going to need time, can you give me that?"
"Baby, I have all the time in the world." I answered with a grin, elated that she wasn't pushing me away and wasn't telling me this was never going to happen. The humour was not lost on me that considering my mortal age, I'd never had to experience the doubts that can accompany the beginnings of a new relationship.. With Alice, it had merely been an understanding that we'd be together.
"Could we you know, spend time together; get to know one another better maybe? Her timid question served to further my joy at tonight's events.
"Anything you need darlin'. I know that everything that's happening tonight has occurred at such a rapid pace it's gotta be difficult to wrap your mind around it all." I understood her need to proceed with some degree of caution.
"I don't mean to hurt you with what I'm about to say…" her eyes full of remorse already for her yet to be said words. "It's not that I doubt what I'm feeling, but considering my history I need to know."
"Know what Bella? Baby you know you can tell me anything, ask me anything." I didn't even attempt to manipulate her emotions to make it easier for her to say what she obviously needed said. It was her own feelings I wanted her to be leading with, not whatever of mine I might project on to her.
"I need to know that what I'm feeling for you is genuine, and not just a reaction to you; to a member of your family being back in my life." She tucked her chin into her chest, her voice shaking with the effort to say the words she feared would hurt me.
"Oh my sweet sweet Bella." I chuckled, placing a finger under her chin to raise her face back up to where I could look upon her beauty with new eyes. "You have no need to feel bad for wanting to be sure before giving me your heart. I'd expect no less from you. Like I said, we can take this as slow as you need. I'm not going anywhere." I couldn't blame her for the doubts I knew her to be feeling after the way Edward, after the way we'd all walked away and left her alone to deal with the aftermath of being part of our world.
Using my chest for leverage she pushed herself slightly back. "So, Jasper...... for now…..friends?"
"Of course sweetheart." If I had a heart I'm sure it would have been bursting out of my chest. "Just one more thing though." I paused watching expectation light her features, her eyes slightly narrowed, her lips pursed in an almost pout.
I laughed out loud at her expression, I'm positive she was wondering what else I could possibly have to say after all that had been confessed and declared tonight.
"Don't look so serious little one, I just want to wish you a happy birthday." It finally being the right time to let her know that I had indeed realized what today was. Tilting forward I allowed my lips to barely ghost over hers. The last thing I heard before I felt Bella's hands grip my shirt and her lips crush against mine was a surprised gasp escaping those very same pillow soft lips.
A/N: Remember........you are not allowed to kill the author! I will update hopefully by tomorrow.