Tainted Hearts Chapter 2, a law and order: svu fanfic

A/N: Thank you so so much to all the wonderful people who read, reviewed, or followed this story. So far it seems to have gotten a very warm response and that makes me incredibly happy! I love seeing reviews, so please don't be shy to leave them. :) This will either be my last or second last update before my big move just so y'all know. I'll post again as soon as I can.

If you're reading this, then I guess I'm not here to offer explanation to you. I'm sure you're wondering how or why it could have ever come to this and I don't blame you. You probably think that I'm selfish, and I probably deserve that. I'm sorry you had to find me the way that you did, and I hope you weren't alone. It's not that I didn't love you, because Mommy I swear I did. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. The world is such a mean, scary place, and some people just hurt too much to keep going. I don't want to leave you with more questions, reasons to beat yourself up, so I'll simply say I guess I was one of them. I got beaten down so far that I didn't have the strength or will to get up. Maybe that's one thing I didn't inherit from you, Mom; the fight, the will, the drive. I'm incredibly sorry that I didn't, because you're nothing short of an amazing person. Please don't remember me like this. Don't remember the sadness, angst, hurt and pain and question or wonder why you never saw it. I couldn't even save myself, so nobody could have helped. Don't remember the way that you found me. I don't want you to be haunted by that. Maybe the words I leave behind won't be of any comfort to you, but as I watch over you I hope they do in time. And I will always be watching you, Mom. Always. When you lay down at night, know that I'm always there even if you can't feel me. If you remember anything, remember the happiness. The joy that I had each and every day that I was around you, around my friends. That's what I want you to think of when you see pictures, or hear my name. That's why I hid the sadness and tried to deal on my own for as long as I did. I'm sorry I couldn't fight anymore, for myself or for you. You were my rock in life, and now I promise I'll be your angel in spirit.

I love you, Mama.

Raye-Anne

It took all Alex had not to break down crying and screaming like a lunatic as she read the letter no parent ever wants to read. She sat in her daughter's room, her things still neat as a pin like they were the week before, and untouched as she went over and over in her head, how the hell this could have happened. After she had found Raye-Anne lifeless and fanatically called Olivia, it had taken the detective a while longer than she would have hoped or liked to get to her. Liv had explained that she had been in the shower and hadn't realized her phone had been blinking with messages until she was moments away from leaving for the precinct. Once she had listened to her message and how desperate she sounded on the other end of the line, she had rushed over as fast as she could. Olivia wasn't quite sure why she had wanted her there or what she could do to help and why she hadn't just called an ambulance and really, Alex wasn't sure either. Maybe she had just wanted a friend instead of dealing alone. It had proved to be a good thing that she had called her, because Alex was too distraught to do anything or think rationally. Liv had called for the ambulance, and they had followed in the squad car. If there was ever a time she was grateful for the detective, it was then. She had used her title to her advantage and pulled every stop, including using the lights on the car in attempt to be noticed and get them there faster.

When they had arrived at the hospital, Alex had explained who they were and the situation, seemingly without taking a breath between her words. Surprisingly, she was understood but there was no sitting and waiting. No explanation that her daughter was in surgery and would be out soon, that she was out of it but stable and in a room waiting to see them, nothing like that. In actuality, what had occurred was worse than anything she had ever seen in movies.

Dr. Larenzo had just come out of trying to save a Raye-Anne Cabot who had come in suspected to have overdosed on sleeping medications. The ambulance attendants had done their best on the way to the hospital, but it was looking grim by the time he had gotten to her. They had even explained to him that the mother had stated she had felt no pulse when she had found her and checked for any sign of life. He tried not to be one of those doctors who saw their job as a paycheck. It was more than that to him and he realized wholeheartedly that sometimes the things he dealt with just didn't have happy endings. This was one of those times, and he hated when he had to do this; that he had to be the one to go out and tell whichever loved one was waiting, that he had done everything he could but he was sorry, their child, mother, sister, uncle, brother, or friend, was gone.

Taking a deep breath, he had ventured out into the long corridor to take what he referred to as the Walk of Hell. Seeing a woman at the end of the hall speaking to another member of the hospital staff he knew immediately that this woman was Raye-Anne's mother. It was obvious; their features were almost if not completely identical, and the woman was frantic, no doubt trying to explain the situation and beg for answers about the status of her daughter's health.

Approaching her, he spoke calmly, soothingly, so as not to upset her further.

"Ms. Cabot? I'm Dr. Larenzo. Your daughter has been under my care since she was brought into hospital by ambulance. I promise you that my team and I did everything we could, but Raye-Anne didn't make it. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss and if there's anything we can do please let us know."

Alex had replayed that horrific scene in her head over and over again. She thanked God that she had called Olivia because she had no composure, and still a week later was lacking the ability to hold herself together. This was something she dealt with every day. The ugly monster of death reared its head every day in her job. She felt compassion and empathy when it happened to other people's children. Many people thought with her being a tough assed bitch of an ADA she didn't have a heart, but this was the furthest thing from the truth. Often, she had been there for her friends during times of loss, or victims families who failed to receive justice in court. It happened to other people's families. Other people's children. Not her own. Never did she think her beloved, beautiful, sweet, smart 15 year old baby would be dead now but nobody ever expected it, right? As the saying goes, you don't know what you have, til it's gone.

She had come home that night after finding out the fate of her baby girl, and cried non stop. Unable to do anything, she had gone and sat in her room, picking up one of Raye's old sweaters and inhaling her scent that was still on the fabric. She hadn't wanted to touch anything, it was her way of preserving her daughter's memory as long as possible.

Now, just a week after her death she sat on her still made bed, and had just read the letter that she hadn't known til that morning that Raye had left behind. In all of the commotion and with her emotions so high she hadn't really looked for any hint of an explanation left behind. Now that she had found it, she wished she hadn't of. She knew in her letter Raye had said that she wanted her to move on, be happy, not remember the sadness. But, that was never going to happen, at least not for a long time. How could she expect her to find any happiness with the cloud of death looming over her, the fact that she took her own life, the fact that she couldn't help her sadness go away, so prominent in the back of her mind? Maybe Raye didn't want Alex to blame herself, but she did. She did, and she would. Mother's are supposed to protect their babies, and she failed to do that. She failed her duty as a parent, so she would always blame herself.

Olivia was worried about Alex. It had been a whole week since she had seen or spoken to the ADA and she was in her thoughts constantly. She knew well enough from being in the profession that she was, that when death happened, everyone dealt with grief differently. It was understandable if she needed some time to process her feelings about what had happened and the aftermath of burying her only child, but it would have been nice to know if she was okay. They weren't friends, really but their profession deemed them family and when one member of the team was hurting, they all were.

"Babe, I'm gonna go to the store and pick up a few things for lunch. You want anything specific?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. Elliot had just emerged from the shower, beads of water dripping down his body and nothing but a towel around his waist.

"Getting ahead of yourself there.. babe." she accentuated the last word so that it was dripping with sarcasm. Elliot knew she hated pet names of any kind, but didn't seem phased by it and used them anyway. "Might wanna put some clothes on first."

"You know you love this look, don't even lie." he smirked as he saw her roll her eyes and scoff from her position on the couch.

"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. But to answer your question, no. I don't really care what you make for lunch. Pick up whatever you want." She picked up the remote, flipping channels as she spoke, settling on an episode of Maury where a mother had apparently slept with 3 different men and wanted to determine which was the father of her baby.

"Why do you watch that shit?" He crossed the room to grab his shirt that was hanging on the back of the kitchen chair where he'd left it when he took it off the night before.

"Have you seen what I deal with every day? This crap makes me feel better about my life." She stood up and went to the kitchen as Elliot wordlessly went back to his bedroom to put on the rest of his clothes.

Opening the fridge door, she scanned the contents looking for something to drink and stopped when her eyes fell on cans of beer laying on their side on the bottom shelf. Surely El wouldn't notice or care if she took one? She pulled it out of the fridge and popped the tab on the can before taking a long sip. It had been a while since she'd had a drink, and with everything that had gone on in the last week, she felt she was entitled to it.

"What are you doing?" she jumped as the deep gruff voice startled her from her thoughts, and turned to see her boyfriend, fully clothed, looking back at her with concern etched on his face.

"What? Nothing. Just having a beer. I'll replace it if it's that big a deal."

"In the middle of the day? Liv, it's 2:00 in the afternoon." He hadn't said anything up until this point, but he had felt in his gut, that there was something up with her and he was worried.

"Oh El relax, it's nothing. It's just one beer. With everything that's been going on lately, I need it."

He raised an eyebrow and looked at her quizically. "You need it? Olivia what the fuck is up with you lately, huh? You sleep at random hours, and trying to wake you up out of sleep is like trying to nail jello to a wall. It's impossible. You hardly answer your phone, your moods are all over the place and not to mention you've been really distant lately."

She could feel her anger starting to rise at his words. Even if any or all of it were true, what business did he have assuming that anything was "up" with her? Sure, he was her boyfriend, if you could call it that, but she had her own life too, and a right to live it how she wanted to.

"I've been distant? What the hell are you talking about? Alex's daughter just died, yeah, I think I'm gonna be a little distant."

He glared at her. She had a way of deflecting the conversation off of the problems at hand, and it was one of the only things he could think of that he hated about her.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it!"

The rage inside of her was uncontrollable now, and she made no effort to hide it. Getting up in his face, she began yelling louder than he had been.

"No, Elliot, I don't! I don't know it, so enlighten me, please. Please tell me how the fuck you think I've been distant if not for the reason of experiencing the death of our ADA's 15 year old daughter?!"

"You do know! You know that when I make love to you, you're not there. Your mind is somewhere else entirely. You know that when something's bothering you, you tell me you don't wanna talk about it. That you're too tired, or have had a long day or wanna go home, then afterwards you're either sleeping or I see you with a drink in your hand. You know that whenever I try to get hold of you, I never can anymore. You know that you never answer my texts or calls and you know that you shut me out. So please, Olivia, what the fuck is going on?! I love you, and I'm extremely worried about you. Do you even want to be in this relationship anymore?"

She looked down at the ground, anger and sadness welling up inside of her for everything she had gone through, everything she had been feeling, and the events of the last week. Trying to hold back the tears and rage she took a breath and chanced a look back up at him.

"I don't know."

It was funny how three words could hurt a person so much. She saw pain, confusion and undeniable hurt flash through his eyes and across his face then. As much as she didn't know what she felt towards him or where they were headed, he was her partner, and she hated to be the cause of any pain for him.

"You don't know." He said this as a statement more so than a question, and took a moment to gather himself.

"You don't know. Well, you know what Liv? I may not be around when you figure all your shit out." with that, he turned and left his apartment, leaving her in eerie silence, to her own devices.

She sighed and ran her hands over her face as she heard the door slam, realizing what may or may not have just happened between them. Not wanting to be in his apartment alone, she changed into the extra set of clothes she had brought with her, grabbed her coat, keys, and purse before putting on her shoes and leaving.

When she'd gotten home, all she'd wanted to do was sleep. She'd had every intention of taking a shower, changing into pj's and burying herself deeply beneath her comforters til God knew when, but for some reason a piece of the argument between her and Elliot had flashed through her mind about her never answering her phone. Pulling it from the depth of her purse, she'd flipped it open surprised to see that Alex had texted her. She reread the words on the screen multiple times as her eyes ran over them.

Can I come over for coffee or something? I'd really like to talk.

"I'd really like to talk." Not that she needed to, but she'd like to. Their stunningly gorgeous ADA had something she needed to talk about and had chosen her, of all people to open up to. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't deny the fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach as she read the words. She also knew, that she couldn't deny her request.

Sure, gimmie 'bout 20 mins. Just got home. Need 2 shower & put coffee on.

She'd seen by the time stamp on the message that Alex had sent it a while before, probably during her fight with Elliot. She'd hoped that Alex would still want to come.

Going into the bathroom to get undressed and shower, she'd brought her phone with her, laying it by the edge of the sink not wanting to miss a text if it came. As if reading her mind, Alex had texted back just before she was about to step in the shower.

Okay, be there soon.

Her heart had fluttered as she'd raced into the shower, taking the quickest one she probably ever had in her life.

Now, they sat in comfortable silence sipping their mugs of coffee, Alex on one side of the couch and Olivia on the other. Not wanting to pressure her to talk, Olivia was okay with just being the friendly presence she assumed Alex needed until she did. Minutes passed, and she was startled when the ADA's voice, even though quiet and pensive, abruptly pulled her from her thoughts.

"It was suicide."

"What?" Olivia said, not quite fully understanding where this conversation was going.

"Raye-Anne. It was suicide. She killed herself. I found a letter she left behind this morning, in her room."

Olivia's heart broke and her stomach flipped. "Oh Alex, I'm so sorry."

"I have it, if you um.. you know.. want to read it." She wouldn't let anyone else, but she for some reason, she trusted Olivia immensely.

"Alex, that's pretty heavy, and a pretty private thing, are you sure?" She felt honored that she was being trusted with the only thing Raye had left behind, but she didn't want to overstep any boundaries. When Alex said nothing but simply nodded wordlessly, she took the folded piece of paper being offered to her.

I love you, Mama.

Raye-Anne

Olivia's heart broke even more as her eyes scanned over the piece of paper holding Raye's last words. When she looked up at Alex, she saw tears in the blonde's eyes and pain etched in her delicate features.

"It's obvious that she loved you. She was very special." Olivia had met the young girl a few times, and it was evident to everyone who came into contact with her that she was smart, bubbly, and what a unique and unbreakable bond the two had shared.

Alex looked down at her hands. "Yeah, she was." She sighed deeply, running a pale well manicured hand over her face. "She's up there watchin' with her Dad now."

Olivia was silent. As long as she had known Alex, she had never mentioned a boyfriend, husband, or Raye-Anne's father. Almost sensing what was going on in her head, Alex spoke again.

"He died in a car accident the night I found out I was pregnant. We had gotten into a fight, I had every intention of breaking things off with him. Things got pretty heated and I never had the chance to tell him before he stormed out of my house. The roads were bad because of the weather that night. He was a good driver so I wasn't worried. I assumed things would cool off and he'd call me when he got home and I'd tell him then." She took a breath, willing herself to continue. "He was hit by a drunk driver, and died almost instantly. That call was one of the worst I've ever received, and I always wondered if he knew that even though I wasn't in love with him I cared. I wondered if he knew about her her whole life. Now they can at least be together."

Olivia sat in stunned silence. Never before had their ADA opened up this much to her or probably anyone, and she never would have guessed that she'd gone through this much. When she found her voice again, she said what she'd said so many times that week, but couldn't find strength or insight enough to say much else. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I know, but Al I still care, you know that don't you? It may not be anyone's fault, but we all still care."

Alex smiled weakly. "Thanks."

The two ladies sat in comfortable, companionable silence for a long time until Alex managed to pull herself from her thoughts and find her voice.

"She sang, you know." She didn't know why she was telling Olivia any of this. She knew she cared, but she was sure the last thing the detective wanted or needed was her sitting in her living room being a sap, spewing random recounts of her deceased daughter's life out of her mouth.

Olivia was intrigued. She'd had no idea that the 15 year old had any musical talent whatsoever. She had never spoken of it, and the fact that she now knew led her to believe she was probably humble and shy, and this thought led her to wonder if Alex herself had a voice. That would undoubtedly be beautiful to hear if she did.

"Really? She never told me that."

"Yeah, she was pretty quiet about it. Not the bragging type." She smiled at how comfortable the conversation seemed to be between the two of them. Olivia didn't push her to talk, and gave her her full attention when she chose to. "I was going through the videos I had saved on my phone this morning and found this one." She pulled up the video, and handed her phone over to the brunette who proceeded to play it. She smiled, and was brought back in time when the sound of her daughter's voice, pure and raw with emotion, no distraction of music behind it, filled her ears.

Olivia sat, mesmerized by the voice coming from this young girl who sounded so much older than her years. She realized then, that she probably had to deal with pain that nobody should have to, and it saddened her. It saddened her to know that the world, that they, the people closest to her had failed to protect her. That was there job, and they hadn't done it. She blamed herself just as much as Alex probably did.

The video faded, and a smiling Raye-Anne lingered on the screen for a few seconds before it went black. It was then that Olivia realized that Alex hadn't been able to hold it together anymore. She laid her phone on the coffee table in front of her and felt helpless as she saw the liquid pain pouring from her friends eyes.

"What am I supposed to do, Liv? What do I do without my baby? Why didn't people love her enough? Why isn't she still here."

"I don't know honey. I really don't know." She said softly as she pulled the blonde close to her, stroking her hair. She let her situate herself so that her head was in her lap, and against her better judgement, leaned down and placed a lingering and passionate kiss to her lips.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading. I will update ASAP I promise. :)