A/N: So I received a PM stating that I had unknowingly violated the guidelines of this site by having song lyrics in my fics. Even giving credit and disclaimers isn't enough, so to avoid account closure, I removed song lyrics from all one shots and all chapters of this story. I didn't need to re write anything to have it still make sense, so that's why you no longer see those here. I apologize. That aside, thank you all so much for the wonderful response to the last chapter. I had another one-shot in my head I had to get out and posted before I continued and updated this story for you all. Enjoy!

Alex rolled over in bed, the room still dark and her mind still half in a fog. She looked at the numbers flashing on the clock on her nightstand and saw that it was almost 3:00 PM. A slight feeling of panic set in until she came to and realized she had woken up earlier when her alarm had gone off and called in sick to work, then shut the blinds and gotten straight back into bed. She wasn't sick, but she'd never admit that to anyone. She had been hiding her grief so well for so long, and trying to move on with her life. Pretending with just about the entire world that she would be okay without Raye-Anne. That she was okay to go to work, do normal things, that she could be happy. She wouldn't, she wasn't and she couldn't, and she had needed a day just to lay around, say "fuck everything" and shut her mind off in sleep.

It had been one of those rarely yet agonizingly slow days at the precinct, and for once she wasn't grateful for the lack of work. When she'd come in that morning she'd heard that Alex had called in sick and her heart had sunk. She loved her job, but she also loved and tried to find any excuse to see their ADA during her work days. The blonde not being there had made the day seem to drag on even more than usual and had Oliva worried. Everyone else had seemed to think she was doing okay since the death of her daughter, but the detective knew better, and hearing that she'd called in sick just solidified her worst fear. She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt rather than saw Cragen's precense at her desk.

"It's really slow, and you look preocupied. You can cut out early if you want. We'll call you if we need you."

Never before had she been grateful to be told she could cut out of work early. Normally, she would always refuse such an offer. Not today. She knew exactly what she had and needed to do with her extra free hours.

"Thanks Capt." she looked up in gratitude at the older man, getting up and taking her coat from the back of her chair before sliding herself into it.

He smiled warmly back at her. Most of the team he thought of as his own children, but Olivia had an extra special place in his heart. If he had had a daughter, he'd want one like her. Ever since the team had discovered the death of Alex's teenager daughter, he had wondered if there was something going on between the two women. If there wasn't, it was obvious that there ought to be. He could see it in the way they interacted that they cared extremely deeply for each other. He also sensed that Liv was going through something. The way she kept to herself, acted different, almost depressed, at times, worried him.

"You're welcome. Liv, are you okay? You haven't seemed to be yourself lately. You know that any one of us are here if you need it, and you can always come talk to me. Don't hesitate."

"I know, thanks. I'm fine, I promise." This wasn't the whole truth and she knew they both knew it, but she didn't feel like going into detail and getting into a deep discussion right now when she was about to head out.

"Okay. Take care of yourself, detective." he shook his head slightly as he watched her walk away.

The blonde had been sleeping when she heard a knock at the door, half waking her out of deep slumber. She pulled the blankets up higher around her and had every intention of ignoring it, but it became louder. Whoever it was was awfully damn persistent.

"Coming! Hold your horses." she said, as she slowly uncovered herself and got out of bed to open the door.

"Olivia." She stepped aside, granting the older woman access inside. "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Nah, it was really slow today. Cragen let me leave early. But I was worried about you. I heard you called in. Are you sick?" despite the smile the ADA had pasted on her lips, she could tell by her puffy eyes that she'd been crying.

"No." she cast her gaze downward toward her feet. No matter what she wanted to tell everyone else or let them think, she had trouble lying to Olivia. Part of her didn't even want to attempt it.

"Then what's wrong?" she questioned, taking a seat on the couch.

Alex did the same, allowing herself to get as close to Liv as possible.

"Everything." She looked up at her. One look into those chocolate eyes and her heart turned to mush. She had no control over herself or her emotions anymore, and tears fell from her face, as they had done so many times that day.

"Come here." She hated seeing the blonde in any kind of pain or distress and if pulling her into an embrace was all she could do to take it away even a little, then she'd be willing to stay that way forever.

She held her for a long time, running her fingers through her hair, murmuring sweet bits of nothing into her ear, before pulling back and taking her delicate face between both of her strong muscular hands and locking eyes with her. "I know it's not okay, and that's probably the last thing you want to hear so I'm not gonna tell you it is. I will tell you, that you can talk to me. You can, and you need to. Alex, don't hold it in. Don't shut people out, especially not me. I'm here for you and I love you. There may be nothing I can do to fix what happened or how you feel, but if all I can do is hold you and let you cry then tell me that. I don't want you to have to feel alone."

Hearing the emotion in the other woman's voice made her heart swell. She was one of the only people whom she felt genuinely cared about her feelings.

"I know. I know you're here for me and believe me I appreciate it. It's just not easy for me to open up about her being gone. It's like, if I don't talk about it, it's not real. And if I blame myself for not being there enough, not doing enough, then I don't have time to be angry at her for doing something as stupid and rash as ending her life instead of talking to me."

"Oh honey."

They sat in silence for a while before Alex spoke again.

"Can we get out of here?" She didn't know what had shifted inside of her, but suddenly she didn't want to be trapped in the confines of her house anymore.

She smiled. Even though Alex was sad, she was sure her wanting to get out of the house was a good sign. "Sure. Where would you like to go?"

"Wherever the road takes us I guess.

Olivia smiled as she watched the blonde singing at the top of her lungs along with the car stereo. She loved the song, and her voice made it even more beautiful. It was not lost on her that the lyrics were incredibly telling of their current situation. Even though she had told Alex she loved her multiple times, the other woman hadn't yet said it back and while she would never pressure her, she had a feeling that this song and her singing it with her there, was some sort of unspoken declaration on her part. Reaching towards the radio, she turned the knob so that the volume decreased, hoping Alex wouldn't stop singing.

Alex caught on to what she was doing, and smiling the first genuine smile she had in what seemed like forever, she did what she knew Olivia wanted her to do and sang louder over the now very minimal music. Surprisingly, she wasn't self concious. If it were anyone else next to her, she'd probably try to downplay the voice she had, but not with Olivia.

The song ended, and she was vaguely aware of the brunette reaching over to completely turn off the radio.

"Do you sing often?"

She blushed a little, slightly uncomfortable by the sudden silence.

"I used to. When Raye-Anne was still here. She used to sing all the time. The times I was home with her, she'd make me sing with her. I've only sang a handful of times since she died. There's not as much joy in it as there used to be."

"I know now where her voice came from. You're fantastic, Alex. You shouldn't waste talent like that."

"Well thank you, that's sweet. I used to want to be a singer."

"But?"

"Parents made me go into law. They didn't approve of the whole singing idea." she rolled her eyes. "I love my job, but I always wondered if I'd have made it. If I'd be good enough, you know?"

Olivia reached for her hand. "I have no doubts that you would have been. You're amazing at everything you choose to do, but singing seems to be effortless for you."

Alex smiled slightly as they pulled to a stop by the waterfront. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon, the water a bright shade of blue as the sun shone down on it. Simply being here seemed to lift Alex's mood, but being here with Olivia lifted it tenfold.

They found a picnic table on the grass off to the side of the water where they could sit and talk and watch everything as it happened.

She knew what she was about to say could generate a good or bad reaction, but she also knew that in the end it would only help Alex.

"Tell me about Raye-Anne."

"What do you want to know?" she really didn't want to talk about her daughter. She was still dealing with so much pain and grief over the simple fact that she had to talk about her in the past tense, but she couldn't hold anything back from the detective, even if she wanted to.

"Anything. Positive things. How she was when she was happy. I know that's how she wants you to remember her."

"Well, she was really funny. I swear she got her sense of humor from her father, because Lord knows I don't have one. Not like he did. She was always making me laugh over the stupidest things. I'd have the worst day in court and come home and she'd do something dumb and I'd just crack up."

"I've seen you be funny before, you've had the whole team laughing on the shittiest days too. Don't act like you're so serious."

She was quiet for a few minutes before she looked up with a smile on her face, recalling another memory.

"She had this piggy bank of change she would save aside from any other money she made. She'd stick a few dollars in everytime she made or was given anything, and once a week she would go to the cafeteria at school and pay for someone's lunch. She asked the lunch ladies to make sure it was always somebody different, and if they could, to make sure it was someone who they thought really deserved or needed it and not to tell them it was her who had paid it. She did that for a long time. She cared about everybody. Even if she was hurting herself, she would go out of the way to make sure somebody else wasn't."

"That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my whole life. She told you she was doing that?"

"Yeah. I once asked her why she kept a piggy bank separate from her own money, and she told me that's what she was doing with it."

"You must've been proud."

"I was. If there's anything I wanted to instill in her it was love and generosity. I always tried to teach her that not everyone is as well off as we were."

"Well by what you've just told me I think you succeeded in doing that."

"I guess I did. She thought you were pretty awesome too, you know."

Olivia blushed. "Really?" she'd met and talked to the girl a few times and had really taken to her. Now that she was gone, she wished they could have had a lot more time together.

"Oh yeah, we'd come home from the one six when I brought her in with me and it was always Olivia this, Olivia that. She said if she was ever a cop, she'd want to be like you, because you care so much about people."

The brunette felt her heart melt a little, and she suddenly couldn't believe the young girl was actually gone. She would have made a good cop, with how caring she was. "Aw, she said that? That's so nice."

They talked for a while longer, about everything and nothing with Alex throwing in random happy memories of Raye every now and then. It made Olivia happy to see Alex smile and remember her positively. Eventually, she hoped that's how they could both remember her together all the time, but she knew that would take a while.

After returning Alex home, Olivia had had every intention of going back to her apartment, but Alex had asked her to stay, and they'd ended up falling asleep next to each other in her bed. She felt the blonde next to her stirring and waking up, eventually turning to look at her.

"Mm. Hey." she smiled a half smile as she stretched out. Waking up next to the brunette had made her feel safe. Like everything was okay, at least for the moment.

"Hi. Sleep well?" The state of Alex being half asleep, was incredibly and undeniably cute.

"Mmmhmm. I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Ooh, can I come?" She'd said it as a joke, and was surprised at the blonde's response.

"If you want to."

She felt all hints of moisture leave her mouth and the beat of her heart quicken. This is what she had wanted wasn't it? Still, she couldn't help but feel nervous.

"Really?"

"Liv, I've seen you naked and vulnerable once before, and in all honesty, I want you to see me that way too. I want to know that I'm enough for you."

"You don't need to be naked in front of me for me to know that you're more than enough for me, but I will go with you."

"Good." she smiled. Give me five minutes.

Getting up out of bed, she made her way to the bathroom to start the shower and strip herself of her clothes before waiting for Olivia.

The detective watched her go, before getting up out of bed and taking off her own clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. Nervousness, anticipation, and excitement were fighting against each other for dominance in the pit of her stomach.

By the time she got to the bathroom, steam was evident on the mirrors and Alex was already waiting for her under the hot water. She opened the door and stepped inside and her breath hitched at the mere sight of the woman before her.

Alex stepped closer, and wordlessly claimed Olivia's lips with her own, her tongue begging for access into her mouth which the brunette readily granted her. Their tongues moved together in heated exploration of each other for a few long minutes before the blonde pulled back.

"I love you. I love you, Olivia Benson, and I want you to make love to me."

Her heart raced as she struggled to find her voice, which came out hoarse when she did.

"Now? Here."

"Mhmmm."

"But I..Alex I've never been with a woman before. I don't know what I'm doing."

"You'll be fine. I promise."

"Help me?" she felt ridiculous in admitting that she needed any help or didn't know what to do, but she wanted to satisfy the other woman, and she wanted to do it right.

The way Olivia looked so vulnerable and slightly scared made Alex melt a little. She knew without having to ask that she just wanted to be good enough, and she had been in Olivia's position before the first time she'd been with a woman. She didn't want her to feel any less than safe, or do anything that didn't feel natural to her.

"I'll show you what I want from you, but you have to promise me that if you feel uncomfortable, you'll stop me, no matter how much you think I want to keep going."

"Okay."

They stood close together, Olivia pressing her body against the other woman's pale one, running her hands over her back and settling them on her behind. The blonde tipped her head to one side as she felt lips begin to devour every inch of skin on her neck.

"Hmm."

Hearing the sound of pleasure escape from her lover gave her confidence enough to continue. She trailed kisses from her neck to her shoulder before moving down and blowing air across one of the blonde's taut nipples proceeding to take it in her mouth and suck on it, surprised at the strong reaction it elicited from her.

"Oh, Liv! Please." she knew she was begging, but she didn't care. It was unbelievable to her that this woman could make her feel so much with barely just one touch.

Olivia's own arousal was building hearing the tone in the blonde's voice, and she smiled against her breast before releasing her nipple from her mouth.

"Please what? What do you want?" She was fully aware of the answer before she even heard it.

"You."

"How do you want me?"

"Mm. Mouth."

She chuckled at Alex's inability to form a full coherent sentence, loving that she was having such an affect on her, and knowing full well what she wanted. She'd never given oral sex before, even to men, but in this moment it felt natural and she was without hesitations.

She lightly pushed the blonde back against the wall, adjusting the intensity of the shower head's spray so it wouldn't pelt so heavily onto her lover's face as she pleasured her. As she knelt down in front of her, she realized their quarters were slightly cramped but didn't care. The heat of the moment and making Alex happy was all that mattered to her.

"You're sure you want me to do this?" the scent of her arousal was evident being so close to her sex, and Olivia wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle it if she said no now.

"Mm. Positive." she could feel herself becoming wetter by the second anticipating what the brunette could do with her mouth.

She wasted no time in giving the blonde what she knew she craved. Placing light kisses on the inside of her thighs, she gently aided her in spreading her legs further apart before flicking her tongue across her clit then gently sucking on it.

"Hmm." she hummed against the bud, feeling Alex's hips buck forward slightly in response.

"Oh baby." She placed her hands on the older woman's shoulders to steady herself. She could already feel herself unravelling and knew if the brunette kept this up it wouldn't be long before she was sent completely over the edge.

"You like that?" she loved that she had such an ability to make the hard assed ADA lose all composure.

"Hmm." she was beyond being able to find the words to speak.

Olivia continued her assault, licking and sucking all the right places and applying just enough pressure when needed to tease her and make her go crazy, in awe of what she could do to her and how wet she was.

"I want to come."

Her statement was forceful and pleading, but in no way was she done with her.

"Not yet you don't."

She sat up, and the look of disappointment she saw on the blonde's face when she thought she was done, was quickly replaced by one of surprise and want when she felt two fingers delve deep into her.

"Oh, god. Olivia!" she welcomed the sudden intrusion, wanting the sensations she was feeling to go on forever.

Olivia began a rough but steady pace in and out of her, and soon felt Alex's walls clamping tightly around her fingers, pulling her in as deep as was possible.

"I love you." her voice was full of need, want and passion and made Olivia's need to see her lover fly over the edge too great to prolong any further.

"I love you too." she felt the blonde brace herself for what she knew was coming and curved her fingers, finding the spot deep within her lover that sent her into a state of total euphoria.

"Mmmm..Yes baby! Don't stop!" The water that was pelting down on her had begin to run cold, but she didn't care. The sensations Olivia was making her feel more than made up for it.

Her breathing evened out as Olivia felt her come down, removing her fingers from their place inside of her and standing up, pulling her against her.

"Are you okay?"

She smiled. Leave it to Olivia to ask if she was okay and be concerned about her despite that she was the one who had just made love to a woman for the first time.

"I'm more than okay. I should be asking about you."

"I'm fine. I promise. I love you."

"Me too."

They both quickly washed before getting out of the shower and wrapping themselves in towels. When they reached the bedroom, neither of them bothered to put on nightclothes before getting under the covers.

"I promise you, soon I'll make you feel just as special, loved and happy as you did me." she pulled the brunette against her, kissing the back of her neck.

"I know you will." As much as she had wanted her to make love to her tonight, she knew she had to give her time. They had accomplished a lot in a short amount of time, done well in establishing what Olivia thought was a strong basis to their blossoming relationship. They weren't all the way there, but she couldn't ruin it now by pressuring Alex to make love to her in return. There was still a way to go, and she knew Alex would when she was ready.

They had drifted off to sleep, locked in each others arms until Olivia awoke from a dream. She wasn't frightened, but it had upset her. It hadn't happened in a long time, but she had dreamt of Serena and the abuse she used to have to endure at the hands of her mother. She had never been good enough. She'd been a constant reminder of the rape that ruined the older woman's life. As much as she hated to admit it sometimes she still hated herself for that, and believed some of the things Serena put in her head and told her, were true.

Not wanting to wake Alex, but being unable to sleep, she quietly got out of bed, finding an extra housecoat on the back of the door and wrapping herself in it before venturing out to the kitchen. Scanning the content of the fridge, she grimaced when wine was the only thing she could find in the way of alcohol. She disliked wine and hardly drank it, but right now anything would do. She knew she shouldn't drink at this hour, but she needed it; needed to numb her mind of all pain and insecurity, all thoughts of her mother. Searching the cupboards for a wine glass, she took the first one she could find, pulled the cork out of the already open wine sitting down at the counter taking a long sip, her face screwing up at the taste as it slid down her throat.

Taking another few sips, she was able to manage the taste better after a while. She sat there staring off into space for a long time, the wine eventually slightly numbing the thoughts swirling in her head. She was about to take another long swig and brought the glass to her lips as she heard a soft yet firm voice behind her, laced with what she thought may be concern.

"Put the drink down."