Warning: The content of this chapter may be disturbing for some readers (violence, language)

Kirk was not at all happy, seeing Bones standing at his usual place beside his chair, pretending he had a business being here. They just didn't have time for this right now.

"Doctor McCoy, you are on sick leave. And even if you weren't, your place is in sickbay and not on the bridge!" Kirk ordered angrily, almost shouting. Bones' presence on the bridge and his being so damned nosey all the time, would get him killed one of these days, like the proverbial cat.

Everyone on the bridge jumped at that. Kirk hardly ever got loud, and although the captain was right, it seemed unjustified to reprimand the doctor for something that was usually tolerated, even appreciated.

McCoy, however, was totally unimpressed. He just stood his ground, only raising his eyebrows a bit more.

"I MEAN IT, Bones!"

"Captain!" Spock had entered the bridge at some point. His exclamation had held the tone of a warning.

Both, McCoy and Kirk turned to see the Vulcan approaching them.

"Uh, right. Spock, we're looking for a cloaked ship in our immediate vicinity." Kirk composed himself. God, he needed to stay focussed. He decided to ignore Bones for the moment and get back to the task at hand. He explained to Spock what they had found out about the flickers on the scanners and what they suspected. Spock listened, while his eyes briefly scanned the doctor. He raised an eyebrow, then went to his station.

"Now, Jim, although I have no business being up here, as you've just pointed out in such a friendly way, I ask myself this: If there are Klingons in a cloaked ship in the orbit of Meriah Five, why do they choose to park in our immediate vicinity? Wouldn't it be better to stay on the other side of the planet, as far away from us as possible?"

They are not parking, Doctor, their impulse drive is active every 242 seconds. That's how we know they're there. He didn't say it, instead: "That is curious."

Kirk looked at Scotty. "If you had to hide a cloaked ship in a planet's orbit, Mr. Scott, where would you go?"

"Well, it would depend on what I wanted to do. If I just wanted to stay hidden, I also wouldn't activate my impulse drive every 242 seconds, sir. If they'd just let it run, there wouldn't have been any disturbances for us to detect."

"Theories?" Kirk asked.

"Maybe they have a problem with the impulse engines. If the injectors are jammed, for example, they cannot let the engines run for longer than a few seconds at a time. Or they risk overheating." Scotty speculated.

"Captain, I believe I have a theory on why they are "parking" under or above us", Spock said.

"Yes?"

"If they beam something or someone on board, our sensors and the sensors on Meriah Five will detect it, unless they do it at the exact same time as we."

"You mean they cloaked their transporter beam, by fooling the sensors that it belonged to us?"

"Yes, Captain. When the doctor you and I were beamed from the planet's surface, the cloaked ship could have transported something or someone up from the surface at the exact moment, without being detected."

"Delihan." Kirk concluded for himself.

"Then, why are they still here?" Uhura asked.

"Spock, can you detect where exactly they are now?"

"Negative, Captain. My instruments only confirm Mr. Chekov's "flickers"."

Enough of this. Kirk had to do something or he'd start screaming at someone again.

"Right. Mr. Scott, maximum power to the shields and weapons, Red Alert."

The crew reacted immediately, red lights flashed, everyone tensed.

"Jim, we're in orbit of a neutral planet. You even suspect their Secretary of Defense on board. You cannot blast them out of the sky!" McCoy warned.

"Watch me." Kirk replied dangerously, though more to himself, than to anyone else.

McCoy had a strange feeling. When Kirk had spoken that Meriahn's name, Spock had shifted his gaze to him and scrutinzed him, for the second time in - what - five minutes? He saw Delihan's face before his mind's eyes now, very close, almost too intimate. But why? He had only talked to him briefly during the meeting. It had turned out he was a doctor of medicine also, although not practising at the moment.

"Uhura, open all channels, make them hear this!"

"All frequencies open, sir."

"This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation starship Enterprise. You have been detected. Decloak immediately, or we will open fire."

Nothing.

"Secretary Delihan, you are accused of assaulting a member of the United Federation of Planets. Surrender yourself, or we will fire."

Assault? McCoy thought he remembered something from the planet. Somebody had attacked him from behind, gagging him, and tying his hands behind his back. My god, how could he have forgotton that? And why didn't anyone tell him about this?

"Captain!" Chekov exclaimed, although his captain as everyone else on the bridge saw the ship that was decloaking just a few meters under them. It seemed to be so close that they could touch it.

"Whoa, Spock, that's no Klingon Bird of Prey!" Captain Kirk seemed surprised, but not shocked.

"No sir, it's a Romulan scout, they're hailing us!" Uhura said.

"Put them through."

The screen changed to show a Romulan commander in his seat, with Delihan standing beside him, looking frightened.

"Captain Kirk, this is Commander are in neutral territory. This is no violation of our treaties with the Federation."

Kirk grimaced. "I don't care. You have a criminal on board. You will surrender to us, or we will fire."

"Captain Kirk, not only your Federation, but also my government will disapprove strongly ..."

There he was, Delihan. He remembered his face. But it had been different then. Violent, and ... remorseless. It was as if an electric shock was going through him, he went rigid.

Kirk cut off Delihan's warning, and let his anger take over. "I don't care a shit about what your government, or the Federation says, Delihan. Right now, I want nothing more than to blast your cowardly ass out of the sky. You should be thankful that I give you the chance to surrender. One hour, or you will blown to pieces." Kirk made a sign to cut off communication and the screen went back to showing the Romulan ship, close but probably also helpless.

He had wanted something. Whatever it had been, he had taken it and destroyed everything else. McCoy remembered hands on his face, pressing unrelentingly, hurting him, burning him. Heat, it had been hot, searing hot fingers had burnt into his skin, and always asking a question, that he could not understand. He had fought, had tried to close his mind to the intruder, tried to recite stupid nursery rhymes he remembered from his childhood, or from singing them to his own little girl. But then suddenly Delihan was there, too. Laughing, pointing a finger, snatching his baby-girl from him and strangling her with his bare hands. He could see her little face turning blue, her eyes bulging. Delihan had thrown her away. Like a rag doll, no like a dead fish. And he'd let it happen.

Everything went black around him, he was dimly aware of hands steadying him. Someone was saying something about a coward. Calling him a coward. He felt his knees give.

Kirk exhaled. He had seen fear on that scumbag's face, good. Suddenly he realized Spock was standing beside him, steadying Bones, who looked ready to pass out. Shit. He should have made sure he didn't stay on the bridge. He stood up, took Bones from Spock, then maneuvering him into his chair.

"Easy, Bones. Please, just breathe", he tried to soothe.

Icy blue eyes suddenly flashed at him.

"You! Why didn't you tell me what happened on Meriah Five?"

"I ... Bones, I wanted to."

"Really? That's why you acted so strangly. Didn't you think I had a right to know? It's my body and my damned mind!"

"I know. I really wanted to tell you. It's just ... I didn't want to see you hurt."

"Oh, so now you're all caring. You were too chicken, that's all. You're just a coward."

The words came flowing out of his mouth. He seemed to have no control over them. Jim just took the verbal blow, waiting, looking at him with understanding and commiserative eyes. Somehow that made him even more furious, but he bit his lip until he tasted blood.

"Captain, Prime Minister Coltan with an urgent call." Uhura again.

McCoy was faintly aware of being the main attraction on the bridge at the moment, well he and that Romulan scout. Bits and tatters of images flashed again before his eyes and he couldn't stop himself from being drawn into that turmoil, that once had been his mind. He looked at the floor, not seeing it, but succeeding in appearing a bit calmer.

"What?" Kirk barked, standing in front of his chair, blocking Coltan's view of Bones, who was trembling with his eyes fixed on the floor.

"Captain, this is Coltan. You are in Meriahni territory. We have detected the alien ship in our orbit. Secretary of Defense Delihan is on that vessel. If you destroy it, you will kill a Meriahni citizen, this could mean war between the Federation and Meriah."

"Prime Minister Coltan", Kirk said coldly, "your Secretary of Defense is a criminal. He has assaulted a citizen of the United Federation of Planets. He also collaborates with the Romulan Empire, our enemy. He has stolen and sold sensitive information, that makes him our enemy, as well. If you still insist on protecting him, we have no choice but to declare war." Kirk knew he was overstepping his authority big time, but he suspected Delihan to listen in on their communication, and he needed to be convincing.

Coltan was full of fear when he attempted to warn Kirk: "You must not fire, Captain. There will be consequences that both of us would regret." The line was cut off.

Sensitive information? What had he told him? He couldn't remember. Could it be, that there was going to be a war, just because he hadn't been able to keep some secret information to himself?

"Jim, ..." he started.

"What is it, Bones?"

Spock observed Kirk's expression change from cold and unrelenting to caring and sympathetic. How can the emotions of one human being change so swiftly, he wondered.

"Why, what ... I don't remember. What did he want from me?"

"That is what Starfleet wants to know also." Kirk said quietly, feeling sick.

"Starfleet?"

"Bones, whatever it was that Delihan ... stole, it could be used to attack the Federation."

"God, Jim. I don't remember, sorry." He closed his eyes, trying to recall something.

There was only Delihan, laughing, leafing through a scrap book he had had as a boy, where he'd collected all kinds of treasures, baseball cards, newspaper articles, pictures of more or less naked actresses and models, photographs, even a love letter he'd received from a girl in his class. Delihan took it apart one by one, painfully slow at first, then he spit on it and balled it all up to throw it into the fire. He tried to get it out, but the heat was too much. He hissed, when he burnt his fingers.

Somebody pushed a cup of water into his hand. Cool water, he downed it all at once in an attempt to eliminate the fire.

"Doctor, you won't be able to remember by yourself. They ordered me to help you." It was Spock. He remembered him in the botanical garden now, saying that no one was going to hurt him.

"Who ordered you to do what?"

"Bones, you're a doctor. You know that a healing mind meld is the recommended therapy here."

Yes, they'd all been behind some strange succulents, on the ground. He had been hurting. So much.

"Therapy?", McCoy echoed, feeling the hands on him again, intruding, wanting access to places where they had no right to be, it was his mind, he needed to regain control. "I know, what you want. Nogura ordered you to find out what Delihan wanted, right? Well, guess what, Jim, you're not going to get it. I have rights, you know?"

"Doctor, I'm afraid, they seem to believe that in this case, the good of the many outweighs the good of the one."

"Please, Bones. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"Harder than ...?" He couldn't believe it. Personal rights are personal rights, you can't flush them down the toilet whenever they become a little inconvenient.

He was back on that damned planet, hurting and scared out of his wits. Jim was there making him repeat something.

"Please, Bones. It is for your own good."

Something snapped. He felt pure rage well up inside him, spilling over.

"BULLSHIT. You are a damned liar, Jim. You say, this is for my own good, but in fact you only want to satisfy Admiral Nogura. Didn't you make me repeat that this was not my fault? Well, you lied again. If this is not my fault, then why do you want to punish me by making your first officer, that mind sucking leech, hurt me again?"

Kirk's face had lost all color. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out, except for his name. "Bones, ..."

He already regretted what he'd said, but not enough to give in. "I won't accept it", he said looking Jim into the eyes, expecting to find anger or at least annoyance there, only he didn't.

"Fine, have it your way", was all Kirk said.

Spock was hovering nearby, his face impassive, as always. He waited. Nothing. Jeez, he'd called Jim a liar and a coward, had irrationally sweared and screamed and had behaved absolutely illogically (he knew they were right, with the therapy and all), but still, both, Jim and Spock had let him win. Maybe they needed some therapy as well.

"I ..." , he began, not sure how he was going to finish that sentence.

It was just like in the last painful days of his marriage. They had screamed at each other, wanting to hurt, and succeeding. He'd been sorry, wanted to apologize, but there'd been no words.

Luckily Uhura interrupted: "Admiral Nogura, Sir."

"Uhura, tell him I don't have time for him right now. We're in a critical situation with some Romulans."

"Yes, sir."

He was right in the middle of a fight with Jocelyn again. Only this time he didn't feel the rage he'd felt then, only guilt. He could see himself and his wife screaming at each other, watched by their daughter who was crying. Then accusing him. Why did you do this, Daddy? Why didn't you ever think about me? Didn't you love me enough?

He couldn't breathe. He felt light-headed and tried to put his head between his knees, bile was rising up, but he could swallow it again. Then he saw Delihan, only it wasn't Delihan, it was himself, with Delihan's face, tugging at Jo, Jocelyn pulling at her other side. She screamed and with a sound that he'd never forget in his life, his little girl was ripped in two. There was blood everywhere, and Delihan was laughing. He heard a terrible retching sound and other commotion around him.

Hands were on him, he wanted them to go away. There was just so much blood. He could taste bile at the back of his throat. He tried to breathe, but it resulted in a terrible cough, burning his throat.

Then he suddenly was cold, terribly cold, and tired. Then, everything went dark.