A/N: This chapter was in me waiting to come out sooner than anticipated, and I know my updates have been pretty frequent as my move ended up being pushed back a week. I will be moving this weekend so in a few days you'll notice the updates becoming fewer or non existent for a while. Please stick with me. I love writing for you all and your support is invaluable! Thank you so much.
Olivia turned around startled, drink still in hand. "What?"
Alex locked eyes with the brunette, giving her one of her famous stares that she gave in court. It had the same affect on her as it did on perps. She squirmed slightly but noticeably in her seat.
"You heard me. Put the drink down." She had caught Olivia drinking quite a few times in the last few months, and heard through the grapevine at the one six that some of her colleagues were concerned. "I think we need to have quite a talk, Benson."
"What are you talking about?" She feigned innocence, knowing full well what was coming, but dreading it.
"I've seen you drink quite a bit lately, Liv. Some of the guys are concerned about you, too. I wasn't gonna say anything, but waking up to find you had wandered into my kitchen in the wee hours of the morning just to drink the wine from my fridge, it worries me Olivia and it indicates a problem."
Olivia sighed, running her hands through her hair and across her face. "I really don't want to talk about this."
"Well sometimes you just have to suck it up, buttercup. I'm sorry for being an asshole, but sometimes things come along that we don't like and we have to deal with them. If I can open up to you and wear my heart on my sleeve with regards to the death of my only child, surely you can open up enough to discuss what's the cause of your drinking?! Because if you don't, it will come between us eventually. I won't be in a relationship that's all give and no take. I know you don't want that, so you best start talkin'."
The detective was shocked at her no nonsense, straight forward and slightly bitchy attitude but at the same time in the deepest part of herself she knew it was something she needed to hear. Alex was getting sick of being the only one giving one hundred percent of herself, Liv could see that. She took a deep breath, and allowed her mind for the first time in a long time, to go for the millionth time where many minds never had to dream of going once.
She peered into the dark room, Serena showing no telltale signs of life except for the slight rise and fall of her chest indicating that she was in fact, alive and another one of her "episodes" had not killed her. Even at her young age, Olivia knew that her mother was very sick. She wasn't like other mothers, and she didn't like her daughter in the least. Constantly expressing her disdain for the younger version of herself, and referring to her as the "thing that came out of the worst night of her life", she routinely made the child wish she wasn't there. Often she felt very alone. Daddy wasn't there. Although she was too young to completely comprehend why, she wasn't dumb. She knew he had something to do with the worst night of Mommy's life.
Stomach rumbling, she chanced tiptoeing into the room, shaking her mother in attempt to wake her.
"Mommy, Mommy. Wake up. I's hungry." she couldn't remember when she last ate and she couldn't find any decent food in the house. Her stomach was rumbling so badly that it was beginning to hurt and her attempt to wake her mother appeared to be in vain, because she was still out cold.
Shaking her again, tears began to escape her eyes and fall down her face, desperation and longing creeping into her young voice. All she wanted and needed was a mother, and all she had was a shell of a woman who hated her for a reason she couldn't yet understand. Maybe she didn't ever want to understand it. So many times she thought of running away, but she didn't know where to go. Mommy could be nice sometimes. Usually on holidays, a few days out of the year. She tried to hold on to that during times where she felt like she lived in Hell.
MOMMYYYYYYYY.. WAKE UP! I MISS YOU AND I'S HUNGRY! WHY DOES YOU HATE ME SO BAD?! WHAT DID I DO? I SORRY. WAKE UPPPP!"
She was full out sobbing now, as she felt rather than heard her mother jolt awake. The look on her face frightened her and she knew what was coming all too well before it even happened.
"Why'd you wake me up, ya little shit?!" Her words were slurred, and her voice was thick with sleep. "Whadda ya want, damn kid? Ruined my damn life, I swear."
Olivia whimpered, her lip trembling in fear of the woman who was supposed to love her, but did anything but on most ocassions.
"I sorry Mommy, I just so hungry."
The woman got up out of bed, towering over her. "Olivia Benson you best stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" before she knew what was happening, the woman spanked her on the behind, enough to leave a sting in the wake of her hand, but not as hard as she could have or previously had, and proceeded to chase her. Olivia having been through this all before, turned and ran up the stairs, locking the door of her room behind her, curling up in a ball under the safety of her covers, and sobbing, as she heard in the distance her mother giving up the fight as she retreated back to bed.
Recounting the memory that had haunted her in her dreams that night to the blonde had left her completely spent. She had cried more than she had in a long time, possibly ever, and she didn't like to be raw and emotional in front of anyone. The things she was spilling to the ADA in this moment she had never told, and never planned on telling.
The younger woman's heart broke as she listened to the detective recount one of many memories of abuse at the hands of Serena Benson over the years that had come to her in a dream. Although Liv had told her it hadn't happened in a long time, she had also established that it had been a regular occurrence for many years prior. Even though she didn't know Serena Benson and she was still Olivia's mother she felt in that moment that she'd have no reservations or hesitations about finding and killing her herself if she could get away with it.
"She hated me, Alex. She hated me so much. I was almost nothing to her. No matter what I've tried to do in my life or the times she tried to be nice to me I was never good enough. She was never proud of me. I couldn't get her to be the mother I needed. Why the fuck did I become a detective? Why the FUCK did I put myself through emotional hell every single day and night, more than I already have gone through, just to feel like I was doing something to help her?"
Alex took the opportunity then to move closer to her lover; she'd refrained in doing so until now so as to allow Liv the chance to get everything out that she'd needed to and free herself of the toxicity inside her, but she could see that she needed the comfort and reassurance more than ever now without having to ask. She wrapped her in her arms, and allowed her to sob uncontrollably into her shoulder. She ran a soothing hand up and down the older woman's back as she began to speak again.
"THAT'S why I drink. To forget everything. To forget the bitch I came from, everything she made me out to be, and everything that I feel like I am. I love being numb, and that scares me. I love the feeling of not feeling, and I love the feeling of going so far, that I don't know if I'll ever have to feel again."
The blonde pulled back from her, looking into her eyes hoping she was able to convey everything she was feeling without words.
"Baby! Don't you EVER let me hear you say that again, do you hear me?! I don't want to ever hear you talk about going so far that I can't save you, that I lose you." She was openly crying then. "I hate what Serena did to you, and there aren't enough words to express how sorry I am that you had to go through it. I would love to find her and hurt her worse than she ever could have hurt you, but I know that wouldn't help and I will try to continue to be civil because she is still your mother. I know I have been hesitant in opening myself up and making sure you know how I feel, but I let you make love to me tonight. That was a huge step for me Liv and I want to take many more huge steps with you. I love you. As for what Serena made you out to be, that's her distorted perception, and you are none of those things. If you feel like you are, we have a problem; a problem that I will go to the end of the earth and back to help you fix because I love you to death. I know you became a cop to help your mother because you are one of the most compassionate, loving, generous, understanding people I've ever met and my world would be broken without you. I already lost two loved ones. A lover and a daughter, don't make me lose a soul mate too. If you need help, I will go to hell and back to get you the best in the world. But please don't pull away. Don't ruin yourself without giving me a chance to help you."
The complete devotion and heartfelt speech she was giving her made Olivia's heart almost completely burst with adoration for the other woman. She wanted to resist, to fight back, but she was beyond the point of return now. She couldn't hide from her anymore, and she had to begin the process of letting her layers of shame, hate, and pain fall away.
"I.. I think I need help."
The ADA's heart nearly exploded with pride at her girlfriend's admission.
"I do too. I'm incredibly proud of you for admitting that. I will be with you every step. As much or as little as you want. I won't crowd you, but we'll take it day by day together. Is there somebody you want me to call?"
The brunette thought for a moment. "Let's research that together. I know I don't want to talk to Huang. I'd like to start fresh with someone who doesn't know or have any history with me."
She admired the brave step the older woman was taking. "Okay."
Despite how tired and depleted she felt, there was one more thing she had to say to the blonde before she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"Alex, I love you. More than anyone or anything in the world. To be honest, a love like this scares me too despite the fact I've seemingly been confident. I've dove in head first with you faster than any relationship and I don't have any regrets for a second, and I'm trying really hard; to be open, honest, and love you as I should. That being said, I can tell you right here right now that I want nobody else, and want to be with you til they lay me in the ground. One day down the road, when we're both ready and in better places I want to be your wife, have your babies. I want to have your name, and share in everything until death do us part. I needed you to know that if we're gonna make it through this. I need to know you want the same things."
Alex's eyes welled up with tears as she listened to Olivia talking about being her wife, having her name, and her children. Although she hadn't thought about having anymore kids since Raye-Anne had died, she knew if she did have them, she'd want them to be Olivia's. They had a long way to go to get there, but it wasn't something that seemed so impossible anymore.
"I've never wanted anything more. Give me some time, and I'll be right there with you, walking this crazy path beside you, good or bad. It's late, let's try to get at least a couple hours sleep, huh?"
She pulled her to her, kissing her passionately on the lips, running her hands over bare skin under the loose fitting robe Olivia had borrowed from her.
Olivia's arousal began to build within her, and a moan escaped her as she pulled away from the blonde.
"Mmmm. Touch me?" she questioned, her voice laced with want.
"In due time, sweetheart. In due time." she pulled her by the hand towards her bedroom, feeling completely blessed and happy that she got to fall asleep with someone so special in her arms.