A/N: Thank you all so much for the feedback on the last chapter. I'm happy you all are liking where this is going. It's good to be back writing again, but to be honest with y'all I'm not entirely sure where this story is really heading anymore. I had a concrete plot line when it started, but since about chapter 6 I've kind of just been rolling with what's in my head or my emotions on any given day. So hopefully you all continue to stick with me. As I've said I'm open to ideas and feedback always. Also to let everyone know, I have ideas for a new story too, so that may be up along with continuing this. Keep your eyes peeled.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own SVU or any of its characters and any characters I've created are figments of my imagination baring no intended resemblance to any real persons.
"Olivia we've been over this a thousand and one times. I think.. no I know, that you'd be a great mother. I completely understand your hesitations, even people who haven't been through half of what you have, have those thoughts and reservations when contemplating parenthood; but just because your Mom turned out to be one of the many people in this world who shouldn't have had kids, doesn't mean any of her traits in that respect have been passed down to you."
Alex sat cross-legged on the bed the two now shared on much more of a full time basis. After the admission to her deceased daughter's spirit at the cemetery, they'd discussed the possibility of parenting together countless times, and had come to an understanding that if they were to go through with being mothers, they'd have to move in together. They had naturally chosen Alex's house over Olivia's apartment because one, Alex knew she hated it and two, Alex didn't want to move from the home her only child up to this point had made so many memories and grown up in and she knew without a shadow of doubt that Liv would be content to live anywhere else but where she was.
As she sat on the bed talking to her now live in girlfriend, she couldn't help but groan inwardly at her reservations and the discussion they were having for the millionth time. Liv was the most kind and compassionate human being she had ever met, but she was nothing if not argumentative. Bullheaded, even. When she got something into her head that she believed, good or bad, lord help anyone who tried to help change said ideology. She hated that even to this day, the things she'd had to go through at the hands of Serena Benson, the one woman in the world who was given by God the privilege of protecting her, still affected her and how she thought of herself. The ADA vowed to herself silently right then that if Serena wasn't going to be there for her to let her know how amazing and cherished she was, then she would take over her failed responsibility for her for the rest of her life.
"But what if they have?"
Being pulled from her thoughts by the older woman's words, she didn't fully understand the question being asked for a few moments.
"What? Oh. Well, if any of her traits with regards to being a Mom have passed down to you, which I highly doubt they would have been just judging by how you are with the children you come into contact with in your work, then that's fixable, changeable. You can always grow, change, and learn. I'm gonna be just as terrified and reserved as you. Liv I lost a daughter not even a year ago, yet here I am taking a chance on starting a new life, and possibly carrying a new life, all with and because of you. If I can do that, can't you face your fears with me?"
Olivia smiled. Here I am taking a chance on starting a new life, and possibly carrying a new life, all with and because of you. Alex was casually making known that she would want to carry their child. Sometimes this woman and the way she said things, how she made her feel special while not even trying, amazed her to no end.
"You would want to carry?"
Alex smiled when she realized the detective had picked up on her subtle hint. "I would. I really want you to face your fears and do this with me, but I wouldn't make you compromise all your wishes and all the ways you feel just because of something I want. I understand that I'm younger than you, and you're afraid of some of your genes being passed to a child."
"How the hell did I get lucky enough to find you?" Despite her extreme level of intelligence, the detective failed to come up with an explanation every time this question posed itself in her mind.
"I ask myself the same thing all the time and I still don't know." She smiled, wondering if this question was an acceptance of some sort on Olivia's part. "Does that mean you want to be a Mom? With me?"
"Honey, there was never any question as to whether it would be with you. But I'm leaning towards it, yes."
"What hesitations are left?"
The brunette heaved a deep sigh. "Just one."
"Go on."
"We're not married." Even though most parts of herself were telling her that this was the right thing to do, a positive and amazing decision for both of them, she couldn't help but feel they were doing things backwards.
"So?" Alex understood where Olivia was coming from, but she also knew that lots of people were happily together raising their children without being married. Not that she didn't want to be married to her, because she did, but she wanted to do it right. At the right time, the right way, and have it be special. Not just a spur of the moment decision because they wanted to have a family or she was pregnant. It was a new era, and to Alex those weren't the right reasons for marriage in this one.
"So isn't that what you're supposed to do first, before kids?"
"Olivia, a lot of people are raising kids without being married. I don't want to get married just because we want a family or I get pregnant. I can tell you, that while we would make great parents, there's a lot we have to discuss and go through before it actually happens, and even more to do before we come together in marriage. We have to work on ourselves, make sure the problems are on the table and dealt with."
"I'm dealing with my problems." The statement came out sounding more defensive and harsh than she'd intended it to.
"I know you are baby, youi don't have to get angry." The blonde was taken aback by her lover's change in tone and didn't want to irritate her further but knew what was on her mind was something that needed to be brought up. "I also know though, that you've skipped some of your sessions and appointments."
Olivia's uneasiness was evident at hearing this, but Alex was on too much of a roll to stop.
"Elliot told me. Said he felt bad for breaking your confidence, but he was concerned."
Liv's anger, along with her blood pressure, was rising now. "Oh bullshit he was concerned! He doesn't even really care for you and you know that. He probably told you that to piss me off and get back at me for coming out and breaking up with him!"
The ADA's tone became serious, what some would even say bordered on cold. "Even so Olivia, he told me and it's done now. Why would you do that? You've been doing so well and we've made so much progress together. At the time we're discussing parenthood this would be a good time to be honest and upfront and not leave me thinking I'm the only one giving all of myself. You know how I feel about that."
She did, and hearing the younger woman bare her feelings even in anger with her made her feel even worse for failing to do all she could to fix herself so that she could be the best woman for Alex and they could have a healthy beginning together.
The voice that escaped from her when she spoke didn't feel like her own. It was shaky, raw and emotional.
"I'm sorry. I was scared, okay? I skipped out on sessions because I was scared. I have been doing so well and that's what scares me the most. I hate remembering anything about her, or my life then. So far we've only been discussing alcoholism and the fact that I have a problem with drinking. We've barely scratched the surface of why I drink. I mean, they've asked me about Serena obviously, but every time it gets too heavy, we stop."
"Liv, if you continue quitting when it gets hard nothing will ever get solved, and how am I supposed to trust that you won't quit on me leaving me with our kids if you do it now with your problems. I told you if you needed me to go with you I would be there every time."
"Okay."
Alex looked deep into the other woman's eyes, wishing she could pick her brain and understand what lay inside. "Okay what?"
"Okay you can come with me. Next time."
"I will. And every time after that if that's what it takes to get us to solid, healthy, common ground. When's your next appointment?"
"Thursday, at 10:00."
That Thursday, Liv woke up having gotten little sleep. Luckily for her, her job had accustomed her to functioning on very little of it. She'd gotten ready as slowly as was permitted because she absolutely dreaded going back to that office. Sitting on that stupid couch, baring the contents of her broken soul and facing the question of why she'd been absent without notice. She didn't know if Alex being with her made her feel better or worse.
"Olivia, always a pleasure." The older woman was pleasant enough, but she was a shrink, and this had the detective automatically guarded toward her.
"Likewise." she plastered as genuine a smile on her face as she could muster while shaking her hand. "Dr. Brown, this is my girlfriend Alex Cabot."
"Good to meet you. I've heard quite a bit about you. Will you be joining us for the session this morning?"
"I sure will."
"Well then welcome. Have a seat." the doctor gestured for the two women to follow her inside, proceeding to close the door behind them as they took it upon themselves to sit on the couch next to each other. There was that all too common awkward silence and tension in the air that happened in all psychiatrist's offices before a session, and Dr. Brown used that time to seat herself.
"So, tell me Olivia, is there any particular reason Alex is with us today?"
Liv groaned inwardly. She really didn't want to do this. For people who were supposed to have graduated University with sometimes multiple degrees, they could be awfully dense.
"Because she's my girlfriend and I needed her moral support, mostly."
The woman across from her furrowed her brow as she kicked off her shoes, pulling her feet up underneath her. "Mostly?"
"Well yeah, I mean.. we've had some ups and downs and problems in the start of our relationship, but these sessions are supposed to be about me and how fucked up I am aren't they?"
Dr. Brown smirked slightly at the brunette's slight use of sarcasm and attempt at lightening the mood, then looked at her seriously.
"They don't just have to be about you. Whatever is going on in this relationship affects you as well as Alex so that will tie into everything else in some way."
Olivia fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, trying to decide whether or not to open up about the dark cloud that still hung and probably would always hang over their relationship. As if reading the thoughts churning in her lover's psyche, Alex spoke up.
"I lost a daughter." she said this flatly, without emotion, as if she'd said it and been over it so many times, she had no emotion left to feel with.
"I'm sorry for your loss."
The blonde looked down wordlessly; they all said that. People she didn't know, they found out and acted like it was the biggest deal, but she knew it wasn't. They didn't give two shits about her. Just like Raye hadn't seemed to when she'd made such a rash and irreversible decision.
"Thank you. But you don't need to be. I don't know you, so I'm sure it isn't of importance to you whatsoever." These days, when she felt like being a bitch, there was no stopping the flow of anger. Olivia reached over and took her hand as a silent way of calming her without speaking. "What I'm saying is, the loss of my child has had affects on our relationship too. I'm still very much in a grieving period. That on top of Olivia's issues, and her skipping appointments, it has put strain on us. Despite that, I have reached a point through all the sadness where I find myself wanting a child with her."
The doctor was surprised, and looked at them both slightly perplexed. "And do you want that too, Olivia."
"Yes."
"Mhm. And why have you been skipping appointments?"
The older woman's question was met by silence from the detective.
"Olivia."
"Because I'm angry. Really angry, and scared."
"At who?"
"My mother."
"Can you remember the last time you were angry at your Mom and how you handled it?"
"I could, but I don't want to."
"I think it would really help to let some of it out. Maybe help us determine where some of it started and how you've dealt with things since."
Olivia sighed, letting her mind delve into the dark pits of the Hell she'd carried around her whole life.
"OLIVIA!" Serena Benson had just woken from a drug and alcohol induced slumber, and her daughter was nowhere in sight. Feeling her way around in the dark, she saw the neon lights of her alarm clock flashing indicating it was just after 2 AM. Olivia was still out two hours past curfew. The bitch didn't think she paid any attention to her, that she could just go do whatever she wanted but she did pay attention and she couldn't. She was gonna hear about it when she got home. Climbing down the stairs haphazardly clinging to the railing in attempt not to fall and succumb to the affects of the substances, she headed to the kitchen to make coffee in attempt to sober up.
Olivia pulled up, two hours past her curfew, dreading what she would find when she got inside. She wasn't out causing problems and fucking shit up, she was out simply because the one problem that was fucking shit up for her always existed in the one place she was supposed to feel safe.
"Mom?" she let herself in, not seeing any sign of Serena. The relief that washed over her was however quickly replaced with panic and fear when she heard her before she saw her.
" OLIVIA BENSON WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HOME TWO HOURS AGO!"
She could smell the alcohol on her even from feet away.
"Like you care!"
The fact that her only child had the balls to backtalk her infuriated her even further.
"YOU THINK I DON'T PAY ATTENTION? YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE OUT THERE DOING? YOU'RE OUT THERE FUCKING ALL THE BOYS I KNOW YOU ARE! YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOTHIN'. YOU ARE NOTHING!"
Despite that she'd heard it all before, it still stung. Her blood still boiled, she still hated her. The only difference this time, was that she didn't hold it inside.
"FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU STUPID BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. ALL I EVER DID TO YOU WAS BE HERE. BE YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU'VE HATED ME FOR IT!
"Bitch! You'll shut up if you know what's good for you!"
"Oh, really?! What the fuck are you gonna do? Hit me? Knock me out? Kill me? Cause any of that would be better than living my life and being your kid!"
Before she knew what was coming, she saw the drunk and high devil that was her mother charging toward her. Nothing could have braced her for the force she felt when the older woman's body made contact with hers and her back made contact with the wall, leaving a hole in its wake as she slid to the floor. Curling into as much a fetal position as possible once she hit the ground, she thought that maybe it was over. She chanced a look up and regretted it instantly when her mother's hand made contact with her face and a trail of blood gushed from her nose down her cheek. Lifting a hand up to half wipe it away, in that moment, she didn't care whether she lived or died. Serena Benson was a monster, and she belonged to her. This made her one too.
Her mother standing over her, nostrils flaring like a raging bull, eyes black and seemingly trying to pierce her soul, she'd gotten a sudden rush of adrenaline and had enough. Pulling her now aching and weak body up off the ground, not even bothering to wipe the blood that was now drying to her face, she wordlessly walked out on Serena Benson. Fuck that bitch. She'd never had her to begin with, so she didn't need her. She'd live on the street for all she cared. Anything was better than being with her.
"Where did you go after you left your Mother's house?"
The way Dr. Brown was looking at her was unnerving.
"I guess you could say I wasn't technically homeless. I slept on friend's couches until I finished school."
A look of shock crossed Alex's face as she took in this admission. She was beginning to see that there was probably a lot she didn't know about the love of her life.
"Can I be honest with you, Olivia?" The doctor's brow was furrowed and she leaned further forward in her seat.
"Do I have a choice?"
Ignoring the brunette's attempt at sarcasm, she looked her in the eye.
"You're not ready to be a mother, until you confront yours."
A/N: I know Olivia's mother dies during season two, but as many before me have done I am changing things a little. This is fanfiction and doesn't have to follow chronological order or theme of the show. So I hope you all liked this chapter and I look forward to writing the next one ASAP. :)