Tainted Hearts

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order SVU or any of its characters. Any new characters or situations I've created are purely figments of my imagination and are not intended to bear resemblance to any real persons or their lives. Any actual similarity is coincidental.

A/N: Hopefully this chapter will more than make up for the length of the last one. I hope you are all still enjoying this and I appreciate you sticking with me even when I am unable to update. I would like to take this time to note as I have before, that this is Fanfiction, and I sometimes like to think outside the box and not follow sequence or events of the show. In this chapter, you will probably see that as it has a lot of focus on Alex's family. There will be mention of her mother in this chapter and she may be incorporated more in this story. I will add her in where I see fit and kind of "morph" her character into what I need it to be in some ways. There will also be mention of some new characters coming up that have nothing to do with the show itself and are purely from my imagination. The beauty of being a writer! ;) I hope that I haven't and in future don't, colour too far outside the lines of what you all enjoy. I am always open to your feedback and I hope and pray that you continue to be receptive to my work. Thank you so much once again for the love you all have shown!

Even though she had been the one to be so gung ho about the two of them confronting the things standing in the way of their relationship and them becoming healthy parents, said things namely being their own mothers, it had taken Alex a good long while after Olivia's confrontation and trip to rehab with Serena, to come to terms with confronting her own family. It was long overdue, and she couldn't put it off any longer. Acting like a coward and hiding from her problems was not something that often showed itself in her character, and doing so would be hypocritical to her girlfriend and against everything she stood for.

As she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, a fresh and fluffed white towel wrapped tightly around her wiry frame, her stomach was in knots. Usually showering made her feel renewed, fresh, sometimes even vibrant. Today, as she stood studying her exterior extra carefully, she wished she could just step back into the shower and stay under the shelter of the water's heat forever. There were few people in the world whom she actually cared or tried to impress. One of the few was Olivia, and another was apparently her mother.

It wasn't that she felt any special bond or connection to Kathrine. Really, her family really had never felt like a family at all. They valued status, wealth, money, and were sickeningly aware of the Cabot name and anything that would or could propel any one of them to higher or greater importance within their circle. It was every man for himself with her people, and when she thought about it she became more grateful every time, that she had made a conscious choice not to live quite like them. The reason, she thought, for trying to impress the woman who had been given the title of mother but hadn't quite properly earned it was because despite the many times she could remember hating being a Cabot, she was one. She was forever attached to the line of ancestry that bonded them and she wanted not to live like them, but to be good enough for them. Being appreciated by the family she sometimes thought she was so unfortunately thrust upon without adopting their way of thinking and being was no easy task and she wondered if they had the capacity or will to love a Cabot who could stand on her own.

Plugging in the hair dryer and hearing it hum to life under her hand was enough to momentarily distract her. This day was not going to be easy, but since the death of her daughter, she'd learned that no day thereafter would ever be easy. She ran the fingers of her free hand through her hair as hot air blew over it, sucking up wetness and causing natural wave to go straight.

At times, it seemed that their household could be so united, yet be two different worlds entirely. Outside the bathroom, Olivia was trapped in her own thoughts of the day ahead and wondering what was going through Alex's mind. The confrontation that was about to take place between her and her family was no doubt not going to be easy on her, and had the detective terrified beyond words. With no idea what to do or expect, she could only hope that being personable would work in her favour and they would like her even though she was poor by their standards. Raye, if there was ever a time I've needed your spirit close to me, it's now.

Never having been particularly religious, prayer was not something that was ritual to her. Since the death of Raye-Anne and the developing relationship with her mother, silent one sided conversations and requests for strength became habitual. Raye-Anne was in a sense, Olivia's guardian angel or higher being. Having been goodness personified in life, she could just imagine what a goddess was now watching over them and the rest of the world in afterlife. The God she was taught to worship in younger years was not one she felt comfortable or safe putting all her faith in. Faith could never be forced, but with Raye-Anne there, the brunette had all the faith in the world that heaven was a good and pure place.

"Babe? Are you ready?" she tapped lightly on the door, listening to the blonde bustling around on the other side.

Alex's steady hand almost faltered as she startled at the slight sound of her girlfriend's knuckles against wood. Regaining her composure she finished applying the last of her mascara, capping it before she spoke.

"Not even close. I've just dried my hair, done makeup and am still standing here in a towel."

Olivia rolled her eyes. Compared to how quickly she herself got ready every day, Alex was incredibly high maintenance and meticulous.

"Can I come in?"

"No."

The one word response and the silence that followed didn't shock the detective, but it had her slightly perplexed. Alex rarely became nervous, and she almost always let her in the bathroom while she was getting ready. Her actions indicated to Olivia she was much more conflicted than she let on.

"Alex. I've seen you at some of your worst moments. You don't need to hide from me. I'm coming in. I'm not giving you a choice."

Without hesitation, she opened the door and stepped across the threshold that had previously separated them.

"You're beautiful."

A snort escaped from the blonde, and Olivia saw the look on her face reflected back at her in the mirror. "I'm not even dressed."

"You're still beautiful." she placed a swift kiss to the ADA's cheek, as if leaving no more room for discussion and finalizing her position. "Breakfast is on the table, you'd better get dressed."

Alex cast her gaze downward. "I'm not hungry."

"Honey, I know you're nervous, but you have to eat something. Breakfast is-"

"The most important meal of the day. I know, I know. Really though, I can't."

"You have to."

"Olivia, I am not a child." In the back of her mind, the blonde knew her girlfriend only wanted to protect her, but her patience and understanding was thin that morning.

The detective was taken aback by the tone that was being used with her. Alex had a reputation for being hard and cold in court, but never with her. "I'm.. sorry.. I didn't mean to make you angry."

Sighing, the younger woman looked at her apologetically. "No. I'm not angry. I'm sorry. This whole thing with my mother is stressing me out. It's not your fault."

Olivia's chest ached with compassion for the other woman. What she was about to do wasn't easy, and had no guaranteed outcome, but they were in this together.

"Hey. I know you're not looking forward to this. I know how you feel about your Mom, but you can do it. I want you to know baby, that I know a side of you they never will. I know you're not like them. They've missed out on knowing you all these years, and if they don't accept you, they're losing out. Not you. You are stronger than you ever knew you could be. And they are gonna be shown that."

Alex's breath caught in her throat. Sometimes, she had no words for how this woman made her feel, and right now she had delivered exactly what she needed to hear.

"I won't make you eat, but you have to finish getting ready so we can go."

Alex smirked. "I can live with that."

Walking into her childhood home did not bring back memories like it did for most people; for Alex Cabot, setting foot inside Katherine's home brought with it a coldness she couldn't describe. She felt detached, empty, out of sorts, and was surprised beyond measure when she felt her mother's arms around her embracing her in an attempt at a genuine hug.

"Alexandra." the older woman held her at arms length, taking in all that her daughter had become, the changes in her she had missed.

"Mother."

"You've changed so much."

"Many years and the death of a child will do that to you." In no way had she planned on being rude or disrespectful coming into this, but she hadn't had any concrete plans to be nice, either.

Katherine glanced at the floor, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but there. She had no idea why her daughter had come, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know. "I'm sorry about Raye."

"Why? You have nothing to be sorry for, you didn't know my daughter."

"Alex, you don't have to be so hostile. I've made a lot of mistakes, but nobody deserves to lose a child."

"No shit, Mom. How about trying to get to know the only one you've got? You can't claim to have made a lot of mistakes then act like you haven't learned from them. You don't pick up the phone and call. You could make an effort."

"Why did you come here, Alex?"

Sighing, the blonde ran her fingers through her hair. In the car, she had wrestled with the idea of bringing Olivia in with her, but then decided against it. They'd come to a mutual agreement that it had been a long time since she had seen her mother, and the relationship was far from on good terms. There was a lot that could happen, and a lot that needed to be said. Liv had agreed to wait in the car until Alex came outside either to get her, or for the two of them to leave together.

"I came here because I needed to talk to you. I felt that I'm at a point in my life where we need to have a serious discussion about where our relationship stands. There are some things mother that you may not want to hear, but they need to be said."

Katherine didn't like the tone of her daughter's voice, or where this conversation was going, but they couldn't figure anything out if she didn't let her at least come inside.

"Very well then. Come in." She could hear her daughter's footsteps slowly behind her as she made her way to the kitchen. They almost made her feel like she didn't want to be there. In some part of herself, she couldn't blame her. Even though she didn't like to admit it, to herself or anyone else, Katherine undoubtedly had been a less than stellar mother in many aspects. If she were in Alex's shoes, she didn't know how she'd feel.

Alex took the notion to seat herself at the old wooden table, placing her hands in front of her on it's well polished top, her chair creaking slightly under the sudden weight of someone sitting on it.

"Can I fix you something to drink, dear?"

The blonde's stomach muscles clenched and her gut flipped at the use of the term of endearment, but she didn't show emotion on her face. "That would be fine, thanks."

"Rum and coke?"

"Sure." Alex wasn't much of a drinker, and rum was not her taste, but she wasn't about to make a scene about it in the already awkward situation.

Her mother moved around the kitchen silently, almost with the ease of a cat. She knew where everything was and was meticulous with her actions. In a sense, even if she would hate to admit so, this was probably something Alex had inherited from her. After mixing the drink her daughter had requested, or rather agreed to, she fixed herself some tea before settling across from her. Looking into her daughter's eyes she couldn't anticipate what she was going to say, but she could tell there was a lot of emotion behind whatever it would be.

"So um, I came here in hopes of disclosing some things to you that I felt like you should know, not for your benefit but mine. I don't feel like I can move forward in my life until I do."

"Go on. You're beating around the bush saying things you've already said."

"Well, the first thing is, I'm gay, and I have my girlfriend here with me tonight. Major reason why I came was to "out" myself to you. I'd been holding that in too long."

Katherine stared at her only child for a few long moments, saying nothing, and thinking she had misheard her.

"You're... no. You're seeing a woman?"

"Yes, mother. By technical and complete definition, that would be what I'm saying."

"But.. but that's foolishness! You had plenty of relationships in high school. I know you did."

"Funny how you remember that, but not much else that's actually important."

Katherine's anger was beginning to become apparent, and she didn't know if she'd be able to stop it once it came.

"Alexandra that's not the point! You're not gay, you can't possibly be!"

"Why?! Because it's not what YOU want? My WHOLE life I wanted, needed, your approval and love and I never got it. I'm DONE pleasing you.. or anyone else. This is about me being free to be myself. You're gonna have to get used to it, or stay out of my life as you have been!"

"I feel like I did something. Like this is in some way my fault or lack of parenting."

"Mom, it's not. You can't make someone gay. You were born straight. I was born gay. It's nobody's fault, and it isn't a decision."

"I don't like it, and I don't know that I approve. But if you say you have a girlfriend and she's here, I suppose it's common courtesy to invite her in and have you two stay for dinner."

"You suppose? Mother, you don't have to feel obligated. I don't want it to be awkward."

"It's probably going to be awkward Alexandra, but I insist that you stay."

Alex heaved a sigh as thoughts began muddling themselves together in her head. She didn't want to be told by her mother what to do, and she didn't think this conversation was by any means over. They hadn't even scratched the surface, but she had no more energy or desire to argue. She gave in to her mother's request.

Making her way out to the car, she wished that she was a smoker, just to have something to calm her body and occupy her mind. She was also very aware of how long she had left Olivia in the car and regretted the decision to go into her mother's house alone.

"Took you long enough." Alex knew she wasn't angry by the smirk that played upon the corners of her mouth. "I take it that didn't go well?"

"Not really, but she wants us to stay for dinner."

Olivia's expression became contorted, indicating confusion. "Um, okay."

"I know that doesn't seem like it makes sense, but it's complicated. I'll explain later. I just wanna oblige her wishes and make it through the night."

"Alright."

They walked, hand in hand back through Katherine's front door, Alex feeling confidence coming slowly back to her, as if Olivia were radiating it from her palm and passing it to her body.

"Mother?" Alex peeked around to the kitchen, finding her right where she'd left her.

Katherine straightened her posture and set her mug of tea gently down on the table top as they walked over to her.

"Mom, this is my girlfriend, Detective Olivia Benson."

Katherine rose from a sitting position, posture still ramrod straight as she stood, and shook Olivia's hand. It wasn't a warm gesture, by far, but it was a gesture and Olivia felt like she should be grateful for anything.

"Good to meet you." The detective couldn't help but notice the older woman's gaze was somewhere else entirely while saying this.

"And you." The least she could do was feign interest and be kind for Alex's sake. Although their parents and upbringing were entirely different, she too had recently come out to a parent, and it wasn't easy as everybody thought.

They sat through drinks and small talk as Katherine's housekeeper-whom neither woman had seen, but who apparently existed- made dinner. The conversation was stiff and awkward with long lulls in between sentences. Katherine asked Olivia about her job, parents, family life, and the brunette tried to keep it as light as possible, sparing the ugly details, wanting to add no more fuel to the fire.

A knock at the door startled all of them out of their entranced states. Only Katherine made attempt to move.

"I'll get it."

The young man on the opposite side of the door was one Katherine recognized instantly and was not shocked to see. With his sandy blond hair trimmed neatly to suit the shape of his face, dimples evident as he smiled slightly, and his clothes as clean cut and well suited as any businessman's, he definitely would be of interest to any woman who laid eyes on him.

"Ben, darling, come in."

"Katherine." He kissed both cheeks as he greeted her, pulling back and in separation handing her a bottle of champagne.

"Oh how thoughtful. Thank you."

Smiling, he made his way wordlessly into the kitchen, and stopped cold when he locked eyes with Alex. He'd know that woman's face anywhere, and he had no reason to know or expect she'd be here. He imagined she was probably going through the same thoughts, the deer-caught-in-headlights look plastered on her face giving her away.

"Ben." Her voice came out flat, as a statement, hoarse and raw, as if she'd had a cold for months and just now found it again. There was no possible reason she could fathom that Ben Callaghan would be in her mother's house.

Olivia could sense something was going on, and could cut the tension with a knife. Between a rock and a hard place, she didn't want to be left out of the loop, but didn't want to intrude and be more awkward than she already was. She had no choice but to sit back and allow things to unfold in front of her, seemingly in slow motion.

"Ben knew Alex quite well in high school." Katherine seemed oblivious to the extra tension that had just been added to the room, and the voice she used to speak her explanation confirmed so.

"Really?" Olivia didn't have to feign interest this time, and hoped Katherine would elaborate.

"Yeah, we had some classes together, right Al?" Ben seemed to be confident, and was no doubt handsome, but his explanation didn't satisfy her.

"Classes.. yes. Yes, that's right. We did." The blonde cleared her throat loudly, wishing the chair she sat on would swallow her up and take her away from what seemed to be Hell and Misery on earth. Almost as if on cue, but not nearly as much relief as she'd wished for, her mother's housekeeper, a short and stout middle aged woman named Elena who apparently spoke little English, appeared with the smorgasbord that was their dinner.

"Your dinner.. ready for you Miss Katherine, when you are ready." Her accent was thick, but Alex was unable to place where she could have come from. She was fluent in Spanish and knew the accents of most native speaking countries well, and it wasn't like any she had heard. Not wanting to be rude or ask personal business of someone she didn't know, she pushed curiosity aside.

"Thank you Elena. We will be along to the bigger dining area in a moment."

Elena nodded wordlessly, proceeding to bring all the dishes into another room and set the table before they followed. Alex wasn't sure, but she thought she caught the woman smiling in her direction upon exit from the kitchen.

The dinner had been much, much better than it had even looked it would. Even if it had been awkward and tension filled, they'd all eaten and drank until they thought they'd burst at the seams. Alex wasn't one to overstuff herself at dinner parties, especially if she wasn't extremely close to the hostess, but tonight, she couldn't help it. Elena could cook, and do it well. The blonde could never dream of having that talented a hand in the kitchen.

Ben had taken it upon himself to stack and clear all the empty dishes from the table, and Alex was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of her mother's loud, shrill, irritated voice protesting against it.

"Benjamin put those down. Elena will do that."

Ben took it in stride, not even seeming fazed by Katherine.

"Elena's done enough tonight, don't you think?" He smiled his signature smile, turning on the charm, wordlessly walking toward the door of the main kitchen, stack of dishes in arms.

"Alex, will you help me in here for a second?"

"Sure." Clearing her throat, she got up and followed his lead.

Once in the kitchen alone, Ben spoke up "You're not like, seriously gay, are you?"

Katherine had opened her mouth about Alex's admission to her during their dinner and made the lulled conversation even more awkward. In that moment, she had wanted to shoot daggers through her mother with just a look, but now, she just wanted to disappear.

"Yes, Ben, I'm 'seriously gay'" she spat the words out, accentuating the last one hoping it would shut him up, but had no such luck.

"C'mon, you can't be.. All the time we spent together in high school?"

The blonde rolled her eyes. Those times were ones she'd much rather forget.

"That was nothing."

He looked at her, incredulous. "Nothing?!"

"Yes, Ben. Nothing. I've moved on. What in the fuck are you doing, just showing up at my Mother's home, anyway?"

Ignoring her question as if it hadn't been asked, he stepped closer to her. "I'll show you nothing."

Olivia stopped cold in the doorway, not sure which way her feet should take her. The stunning and unbelievable sight before her, made her want her feet to propel her out the door and maybe never stop running, but she didn't. She was frozen in place, frozen in time, as she watched the agonizing scene of the woman she loved, passionately kissing somebody else. That somebody, being a man.