Chapter 15

A/N: I decided that I was going to wait until this chapter was finished and post both 14 and 15 at the same time so you all wouldn't hate me for the cliffhanger end to the last chapter. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Law & Order SVU or any of its characters (unfortunately!) Any characters or situations I have created are figments of my own imagination and are not intended to bear resemblance to any real persons. Any actual similarity is purely coincidental.

It was funny how in just a matter of months, someone's whole world could change. As Olivia went through check in for Visitors Day at Blue Haven's Recovery, she wondered exactly just how much Serena had changed. Even though she hadn't seen or spoken to her since the day she'd dropped her off to check herself in months ago, she thought of her often and hoped she was doing well. Of all the times her mother had been sober, she'd hoped this one would stick.

She was led in to a private room with a table and comfortable looking chairs with wooden armrests. Coffee and donuts were lain out atop the table, everything very clean and proper but surprisingly informal at the same time. She had been told by staff she would be allowed a two hour visit, and waited anxiously but nervously for Serena to come in.

Serena locked eyes with her daughter upon entering the room, and Olivia didn't notice much of a difference in appearance from the day she'd checked in. She looked healthier, her skin was clearer, eyes brighter, and all around happier, but aside from that nothing had changed.

"Hi baby." there was warmth in her voice, even though it was rough from years of drug use.

"Hi Mom. You look good." She smiled, genuinely pleased to see her mother improving.

"Thanks. I feel good. Been working on a lot of things. I'm nowhere near ready to leave, but it feels good not to be placing blame on someone else."

"I'm really proud of you."

"I never thought I'd live to hear you say that, babe."

"Neither did I."

They sat in companionable silence for a few moments before Serena broke the lull in conversation.

"So how are you? Tell me, what's going on? How's Alex?"

She'd dreaded these questions, but knew they were coming.

"What are we gonna do?"

She looked him dead in the eye, unshed tears glistening, fear evident. "I don't know. I'm gonna have to tell Olivia."

"You wouldn't, if you know.. we took care of it."

"You're seriously contemplating abortion?"

"You haven't?"

"I haven't had time!"

"I'm just trying to explore and weigh every option and choose the best one for all of us."

"Oh, so because we lacked judgement, that warrants ending the life of an innocent child who did nothing wrong? Are you forgetting I lost one child? Willingly terminating the life of another one isn't really on my list of things I'd like to do."

"So what's gonna happen then, huh? You're gonna lose Olivia if you don't. If you go on with this pregnancy, you can't hide it forever."

"I KNOW! Give me time to talk to Liv, and then we're just gonna have to come to some solution and figure it out, alright. I'll text you."

"You're pregnant with my child, and all I get is an I'll text you?! It's a little more complicated than that now, Alex! Christ."

Not having the energy or the words to continue the conversation, she wordlessly turned, having to make what would probably be the longest ever drive to her home.

Alex had come home that night and as soon as she saw her, she knew something was wrong. They had been having a lot of problems, but that didn't mean she didn't care about her. That was what a relationship was supposed to be, wasn't it? Putting yourself aside, even when you wished you didn't have to, to be there when the other person needed you?

She felt rather than saw Alex seat herself next to her on the couch and turn to face her.

"I need to talk to you. It's really important."

"Sure, what's wrong?"

The blonde looked down at her hands, fidgeting with her fingers in attempt to stall the conversation that was about to ensue as long as possible.

"Liv. This isn't easy for me to tell you.. so please, give me a chance to say everything first."

Seeing the brunette nod in agreement, she took a breath and continued. "You remember Ben Callaghan? The one who was at dinner with us at my mother's? We didn't just have classes together. We dated. For a long time."

Olivia's stomach flipped as she remembered the sight of her kissing him in Katherine's kitchen, but she tried to look calm on the outside and let her girlfriend say everything she needed to as she had said she would.

"So? We all have a past. That was before you were out."

"No, see.. I did something I shouldn't have done. I kissed him. Actually, he kissed me, but I didn't stop it. In mom's kitchen that weekend."

The detective figured now to be a good time for her to come clean, too. "I know. I saw you. I came in to ask you something, but stopped when I saw the two of you kissing. That's why I was so mad at you. Al, how could you betray me like that?"

She hated seeing pain in the chocolate brown eyes staring back at her and knowing she'd been the cause of it. She hated even more that it wasn't over. "I um.. I saw him again. We started talking, first it was just really friendly, then he started to be there for me in a way that you haven't been. I went out for coffee with him one night. We talked until really late. I ended up going back to his place because I didn't want to come home to fighting again. We had sex, and I just found out that I'm pregnant. That's why I've been so sick."

The younger woman had said the whole thing without stopping for breath, and was met by silence from Olivia. Alex knew she was probably seething with quiet rage, and this was the worst kind.

Just as she'd suspected, the detective was eerily calm in her anger, and the two words that came out of her mouth first made Alex's heart break.

"I'm leaving."

"Liv, don't-"

"Don't you even fucking start with me. The one person in this world who promised she wouldn't lie to me, and it's bullshit! You expect me to stay here? This is your house, you keep it. I'll find somewhere else to go. You made your bed, and you're gonna have to lie in it. Whatever decision you make, it's gonna fuck everyone up, every which way, and your child is somehow gonna suffer too. Do you ever think before you act?!"

Relaying the whole story to her mother had taken a lot out of her, but Serena's presence had been oddly comforting in a way that it never had before, and she'd done a good job of being the mother Olivia had always needed and craved as a child. She listened, interjecting sympathies and thoughts when appropriate.

"God that's so screwed up. I'm sorry you had to go through that, baby. Where are you living now?"

"Besides at the precinct? I found a place close to my old one I had before I stayed most of my time with Alex."

"That's good. I think you need to move on with your life. Pick up the pieces, and find someone who's really gonna love you."

"I agree, but all is always easier said than it is done. I'm trying, but I really really loved her. I do love her. I thought she was different."

"I know love." she reached out, placing a shaky hand atop her daughters, and for the first time in an eternity, they both felt their souls connect.

In the months that had passed since all that had transpired between her and Olivia, Alex was doing the best she could to try and settle in to a new normal. Nothing was the same, but she knew she'd made her choices, so she was going to have to do the best she could at cleaning up the mess she made. After Olivia had left, she and Ben had decided that since abortion wasn't an option, and Alex had already suffered the loss of one child, the best decision would be to have him move into her house, and do the best they could at making a life together for this baby. It deserved as much. Alex was saddened by the fact that she still was struggling to feel any attachment to this child, but Ben was the exact opposite. He was doing his best with the situation that had been put on them, and remained optimistic and excited about being a father.

He was good to Alex too, and did what he could to make sure her needs were met and she had what she wanted. Katherine was not happy when she heard what had gone on, even though she liked Ben. Alex assumed though that she was pleased she wouldn't have to deal with talking to her daughter about being gay.

It was true that she had made some bad decisions and despite being a top ADA with a great head on her shoulders, she was far from perfect, but she was beginning to think that maybe things had fallen apart so that something else-fucked up as it was, could come together. She had really fallen in love with Ben and she knew he'd make an amazing Dad.

He came through the door, smile plastered on his face, the look of a young child at Christmas in his eyes.

"Hi babe." she stood on her toes just enough to be able to lightly touch his lips with hers.

"Hi. How was your day?"

"Long. Quiet. I think baby was bored."

"He moving a lot?"

She smirked. Almost since the time he had found out she was pregnant and they knew they were in fact keeping the child, Ben had been betting on a boy.

"Yeah. You excited for your trip to the Dominican tomorrow?"

"Yes! You know I've always wanted to go there. It sucks that it's a business thing, but it should still be fun. I'll miss you and peanut though. We'll go back as a family sometime."

She smiled. "I'd like that."

As Katherine's assistant, Ben helped her with just about everything she wanted or needed. Her latest desire was to buy property in the Dominican Republic, and knowing it was a dream of Ben's to travel there, she'd asked him to come along to help her look at places and pick something suitable.

The night before his trip, Alex hadn't slept well. She was restless, and unable to find a position that was comfortable enough to sleep. Thoughts of how lonely the next three weeks would be without Ben clouded her mind, and she'd only hoped that she would be bombarded in legal paperwork to occupy her time. Surprisingly, she hadn't run into Liv too much at work, probably because the detective now made it a point to avoid her, but when she did see her, she wasn't nasty. There were no dirty looks or spiteful remarks from either one of the two women. They weren't pleasant, but cordial, and Alex hoped they could keep it that way.

She had intended to make the trip to the airport with him, but really didn't want to deal with the wrath of her mother. Ben was completely fine with her decision and said that he wouldn't hold it against her. As she drained the last of the liquid from her cup, she watched him bring his suitcases to the door, a look of excitement and anticipation on his face even though it was incredibly early in the morning.

"Alright babe, I gotta get out of here. I love you." Wrapping her up in a tight hug, he pressed his lips to hers, and she parted them, granting him access to the inside of her mouth.

"You keep that up and you'll miss your plane."

Laughing, he pulled away from her. "I'll see you in 3 weeks. I'll miss you." Placing his hands on either side of her ever growing stomach, he did what he always did before leaving the house. "I'll miss you too, peanut. I love you."

Feeling movement against his hands was all the reassurance he needed to know that things would be fine while he was gone.

"Text or call me when you land, okay?"

"I will."

"Love you."

"Me too."

She watched him leave the house, then went to the window to watch the car pull away in the direction of her mother's house.

Not long after he left, her phone had woken her from a nap. Assuming it was something to do with work, she wasted no time in checking it. Her heart skipped at what was actually on the screen.

"I know you said to text you when I landed, but I already missed you. Since all of this shit happened with how we came to be a couple, before I leave you this long, I just wanted you to know that I love you more than I've loved anyone in my life. It hasn't been easy, but I regret nothing. I would do anything to make sure that our family is okay, no matter how I came to have that family. Everything happens for a reason, my love. And you're the reason I'm happy. Don't miss me too much, I'll be home soon. I love you to the moon and back xoxox"

"I love you too!"

For the first time in a long time, she drifted back into slumber, with a smile pasted on her lips.

Waking disoriented and confused was not something that often happened to her, but when it did, she didn't like it. She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep. When she'd drifted off, it had been light out, now it was pitch dark. Looking over at the alarm clock and it's flashing numbers, she was relieved to see that only mere hours and not days, had passed. Rolling over and willing herself out of bed, her mind was still foggy with sleep as she walked to the living room. She hastily switched on the tv, proceeding to make her way to their adjoining kitchen and dining area. Hearing her stomach rumble before feeling it made her aware of just how hungry she was.

Now that she was pregnant, she was always eating. Peanut was stealing all her food and she couldn't get enough. Her cravings changed from day to day and there was no food she wouldn't eat. Deciding on homemade mac and cheese, she took out a pot, filled it with water and set it on the stove to boil before heading to the fridge to grab and grate a chunk of mild cheddar cheese. The words that she heard flowing from what sounded like a news bulletin in the living room stilled all her movements. Sentences were choppy and she was only half listening, but if she'd heard right, she wanted to be able to say it was just a daydream. Some figment of her imagination.

Setting down her block of cheese, she made her way to the flat screen tv and realized she had heard correctly.

PLANE CRASHES ON WAY TO CARRIBEAN DESTINATION.. MANY FATALITIES, SURVIVORS UNKNOWN..OFFICIALS SAY..

Alex felt her stomach flip and tears burn the back of her eyes all at the same time. She suddenly wasn't hungry, and panic was beginning to set in. She had lost her child, her child's father, and the love of a woman who deserved nothing less than perfect. She could only hope beyond all hope and pray to something she never really believed in, that that wasn't Ben's plane, and that he and her mother, were among the survivors.