Chapter 17

"I'm telling you, you didn't see how they were looking at each other."

Melinda had come over to stay with her after getting off work that evening. They'd just finished dinner and Alex was relaying the events of the afternoon at the coffee shop to the other woman as they did the dishes.

The blonde handed her a plate and she proceeded to dry it, speaking without breaking her concentration. "I doubt Liv is seeing anyone, and if she is, it's not that serious."

"What makes you say that?"

"She's not one to get over people very quickly, Alex. You tore her heart in half. I know you've been through a lot, and I will always be here for you, but as a personal friend I feel I have to be honest. What you did to her, was pretty fucked up and you definitely did lose some of my respect for it."

Swishing the water around in the sink, her heart sunk a little at what her friend was saying. It's not that she didn't understand that she had made a mistake that had hurt Olivia, she did, and she hated herself everyday for it. It hurt her even more that the mistake she had made had hurt more people than she had thought. Everybody used to respect her. To now learn that Melinda and probably many others on her team and elsewhere had a different opinion stung a little even if she did deserve it.

"I know." Melinda almost didn't hear her words.

"You say so, but I don't think you do. Olivia is one of the sweetest, most genuine hearted people I know. She deserves better than what you did."

"I KNOW SHE DOES!"

Typically, she wouldn't lose it on the other woman the way she could feel herself beginning to, but even though she had made a mistake, she was sick of acting like it was okay with her that people treated Olivia as a saint. She didn't deserve what Alex had done, but she was by no means perfect.

"I'm aware that my decisions have made me lose the respect of a lot of people. I know people think I'm a piece of shit, Melinda. Fuck, even I think I'm a piece of shit! But Olivia isn't a perfect angel. What about when she led Elliot on when she knew she was gay? She hid things from him, and then came to me right after. It's not cheating, but it's almost just as bad. You all also don't know what I feel everyday. You think you do, but you don't. The whole Ben thing was wrong, but it's OVER! HE'S DEAD! He's never coming back. So you can all just back the fuck up off me, alright?! I've fucked my life up. You don't have to keep throwing it in my face."

Olivia sat at the table, engaged in conversation with the redhead across from her. There was no doubt she was beautiful, and had the brains to go with it. They had been spending a lot of time together, and it had kept Olivia's mind alive, generally content, and occupied. They'd met up earlier that day and gone for coffee together, and although the detective had planned on spending the rest of a rare day off at home in PJ's in front of the TV, Vianna had texted her asking if she wanted to come over for dinner. Olivia had agreed, assuming that work would pick up soon, and she'd have no time for herself.

"That was really good. I'm so full. Thank you for having me."

The redhead smiled. "Anytime. I'm really happy we met."

They'd met through a mutual friend just a short time ago, and seemed to click instantly. They engaged in deep, intelligent conversations, and laughed a lot over things only they understood.

"Me too."

There was a lull in the conversation, and Vianna took it upon herself to break it. She knew the mood might shift, but words were flowing from her before she had too much time to over think them.

"Listen, Liv. I love spending time with you. I think we connect really well, and I've really really grown to like you. Probably more than I should."

Olivia was slightly taken aback by the woman's confession, and took a moment to compose herself and choose her words carefully.

"Vi, I really really appreciate that. It means a lot, truly. I appreciate your friendship and it's important to me. But I think you and I both know I'm not ready for anything more serious. There's been a lot going on, and I've been through a lot. I can't give my heart to somebody else right now, and if it's not all in something, you don't deserve to have it. Somebody would be lucky to have you, but that someone isn't me. At least not now. It's not you, it's me, I promise."

"Oh, okay." She looked down, fidgeting with her hands. "I get it."

"I'm really sorry."

"No, don't be. No big deal. It's not like I've never been rejected."

As she sat in front of the tombstone marked with Raye's name, she was thankful that this particular cemetery was open later than most. Although she'd never admit so to anyone, she came here often on downtime, to leave flowers, think, and talk. Even though Raye-Anne had been gone for quite some time, it was like still having her right in front of her, when she spoke to her stone. The spirit of the young girl permeated every inch of that graveyard, just as it had touched everyone it came into contact with on Earth.

She hadn't brought flowers that night, but she needed to clear her head, and being around so much spirit was comforting to her. Many people attached a negative or scary connotation to cemeteries; Olivia felt differently. Although not particularly religious, she did feel that spirit surrounded and embraced her when visiting a cemetery, and this was followed by a sense of serenity and peace.

"Hey babe. I know it's late, but I needed to see you. I know you know what's been going on, because you watch over all of us. It's been pretty messed up, hasn't it? People say everything happens for a reason, but I'm more uncertain about that now than I've ever been. I know your Mom isn't a bad person, but she hurt me terribly. With all the loss she's had to go through, I wish I knew what to say to make it better, to go back, change things for both of us. I don't know if she knows, or how to tell her if she doesn't, but I still love her. I could have pursued a new relationship tonight, but I didn't, because of her. I can't give my heart to someone else, when she still has it. She'll always have it, and she doesn't even know."

The blonde had thought she'd seen someone, but had chalked it up to her mind playing tricks on her. Lord knew, it did that a lot lately. Walking further into the graveyard closer to her daughter's stone, she heard a voice she would know anywhere and knew then that it was indeed not her mind wandering. She stilled, not wanting to disturb her, and her ears took in everything being said.

"I do now."

The detective jumped, startled by the sudden intrusion upon her private moment, and was shocked to see just who said intrusion was, when she turned around.

"Alex."

"What are you doing here so late?" she sat next to her, close enough to show she wanted to be there, but not too close for comfort.

"I needed to think."

"This isn't the first time you've been?" the look the question elicited from the older woman led her to continue. "I heard what you said to her."

"All of it?"

"Mhmm."

Olivia sat quiet, suddenly feeling vulnerable and exposed.

"I probably shouldn't have eavesdropped, that wasn't my intention, but I didn't wanna interrupt."

"It's fine."

"I'm really sorry, for what happened between us."

"I'm sorry about Ben."

"Why would you be? He and I ruined everything."

"It's still a loss, Alex. You're having his child, so obviously you two cared for each other. Nobody deserves to lose someone the way he went."

"I appreciate that. I heard you telling Raye that you didn't pursue a relationship further because of me. I saw you with someone at the coffee shop earlier today, was that her?"

"Yes. Her name is Vianna." She was unsure why she was elaborating to the blonde on any of this. It wasn't as if she owed her anything, but the words flowed anyway. "She told me of her feelings for me, and she's a great woman. I'd be incredibly lucky to have her. Falsely giving over your heart to someone though, isn't something I'm okay with doing. You still own a part of me, and I'll never get it back."

"I don't know what else to say, except that I'm sorry."

"Those are just words, Alex. Really, there isn't anything you could say to make me feel like you were being sincere. It's all about the actions, and yours failed miserably."

"I know they did."

"Have you been cheated on before?

"No."

"Then don't tell me you know what it feels like."

"Is there any way you could ever forgive me?"

"Possibly, but it isn't gonna happen overnight."

"I understand. What do I have to do?"

"Honesty would be a good start."

"What do you wanna know?"

"Why you did what you did, what led you to it, how you're feeling, everything. You have to be open Alex, or it'll never work. Don't hold anything back from me."

"Can we get out of here?"

"Why, you hungry?"

A smirk played upon her lips. "Always."

After leaving the cemetery, they'd made their way in separate vehicles to a 24 hour diner just a short distance away. The place was hauntingly quiet so late in the evening, and they had it to themselves. A waitress came over, taking their orders then disappearing again, leaving them to their own devices. Alex wasted no time in making good on her promise to be open and honest.

"I don't know why I did what I did, Olivia. I have no real justification for it except that when Ben kissed me in that kitchen at my mother's it ignited something in me. I felt something, even though I didn't want to. When you saw it and kept your feelings in, I couldn't understand why you had changed so suddenly. I wanted to escape from our fighting, and one thing led to another with him. I'm not saying it's right, but you wanted honesty, so I'm giving it to you."

"Classic example of how lack of communication on little problems can become bigger problems. Holding my feelings in was my fault, but it didn't warrant you to cheat."

"You're exactly right on both of those points, and I will never tell you I was in the right when it comes to this." The waitress had come back with their food, placing it in front of them. Alex speared her pancake with the prongs of her fork, bringing it up to her mouth, chewing and swallowing before speaking again. "Ben and I had no real intentions of staying together, not initially. We agreed that we both needed to do what was best for the baby, but neither of us really believed we were meant to be together. After you left, and I realized it was for real and you weren't coming back, I moved him in. We made the decision to try to make as best a life we could for our child, and clean up the mess we made. I was with child, so it was time to stop being one. I didn't think I would, but I grew to really adore and love him. He was the sweetest man you could've ever known."

"Despite everything, I believe that. He was very pleasant to me at your mother's."

"He was so excited to be a father. I still struggle sometimes with attachment issues to this child, especially now that he's gone, but he was all over it. Touching my stomach, talking to it, talking about how he was gonna teach his child everything and give them everything he never had."

"Coming from someone who never had a father figure, or much of a mother one for that matter, I feel for your child, and I'm sorry Ben won't have the chance to be there. Every child deserves both parents if it's at all possible."

She smiled. "I agree."

"Have you been okay?"

"It's second by second, sometimes. Melinda has been really great and staying with me when I need her, even if we do butt heads from time to time. Sometimes I have dreams about Ben and Mom, images flood my head that I would rather not see, sometimes I'm not ready to be a mother, and I'm terrified. But it's coming quickly, and this child needs me, so I have to put a smile on and deal with it."

"Do you know what you're having?"

The blonde smiled, remembering how Ben had argued with her all the time about how they'd have a son rather than a daughter. "I didn't wanna know. Not after everything that happened. Ben always said it'd be a boy though, and I have a feeling he may be right.

"Maybe. Have you picked any names?"

She thought of all the baby name books she had sifted through in the last few months, not being able to settle on any either because they didn't seem to fit, or her mind was somewhere else entirely.

"I haven't really given it much thought, but I guess I should start. I don't have much time left. If I don't get on it, my child just may be nameless after they get here."

The brunette chuckled, and let the conversation die down a little before Alex picked it back up. "What about you? Have you been okay? I know we don't see much of each other anymore."

"I've been as good as can be expected with what happened, trying and failing miserably to move on. Visiting Mom when I have the chance to. She's been doing really well, even forging friendships in there. She seems healthier than I've ever seen her. I think I may finally have my mother back."

"I'm so happy to hear that. Give her my best wishes when you see her."

"I will do."

"What about your therapy sessions? Are you still going?"

"I should probably go more often, I've missed a few. But yes, I do go sporadically. Even with missing sessions, and going through all that I have, I haven't felt an urge to drink."

"I'm proud of you. You don't need booze, Liv. You have so much going for you."

For the first time in a long time, her smile reached her eyes. "Thanks."

"I should get going, it's getting really late. I really appreciate you coming here with me."

"No problem. I'll get the bill, don't worry about it."

"Liv, you don't have to."

"I want to." she waved the waitress over and asked for their tab as Alex stood up to leave.

"Thank you."

"You really don't have to keep thanking me, but you're welcome."

"Where exactly do we stand, Olivia?"

"Right where we are. That's all anybody can do, take it minute by minute."

A smile began to form at the corners of the blonde's mouth. "I'll call you?"

"Sure. But don't smother me, okay?"

As she made her way out to her car, Alex had hope that maybe, slowly, things in the universe would align once again. It would take a lot to prove to Olivia that a second chance wouldn't be wasted on her, but this time, she vowed her actions would be the right ones.