Forget my past enthusiasm. I hate this stupid spellchecker.

It corrects in Spanish when I'm writing in English, corrects English when I'm writing in Spanish, has all my dialogues underlined in green, corrects grammar but not spelling.

DAMN YOU SPELLCHECKER. DAMN YOU TO HELL.

tdicxdforever: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! ^^

You know I never really thank for the favorites and the story alerts… just know, to the people who have added me, they brighten my day just as much as reviews. So thanks :)

Another thing I never do is the disclaimer :o silly head … so, Total Drama doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Mark Thornton and Todd Kauffman. However, I own so far: Courtney's parents and her siblings, Courtney's new boyfriend. I also don't own last chapter's song Courtney's singing, which is Other Side of the World by KT Tunstall, and which I also forgot to credit x_X

Part V

The worst things: To be in bed and sleep not; To want for one who comes not; To try to please and please not.

-Egyptian Proverb

After watching her worst nightmare coming true, Courtney had walked herself back to first class. But what she really felt like was like she was loose in space, trying to paddle back home in a zero-gravity atmosphere; her head was certainly pounding enough for that to be true. She was so shocked, she wasn't even drawing tears, and she barely noticed when she nearly fell on Tyler in her frenzy.

First Class seemed to be miles away. As she stomped harder, a few frantic thoughts darted back and forth in her head.

She had given herself to that guy.

She had given him complete access to her body, almost anytime he wanted.

She turned a corner sharply and practically ran to reach her plane section.

She had molded her life around him.

She had trusted him with all her heart.

…She had never felt so mighty stupid before.

She had fallen, fallen right into Duncan's trap. She just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there, hide her face from the world.

Courtney slowed down to a stop as she reached the door to first class, walked in, closed the door behind her. She regarded the empty room and leaned back on the closed door.

So this was what it was like to feel cheated.

How long had they been sneaking behind her back? How long had she been blind?

Maybe it had been going on since Action, maybe even the island. Maybe Duncan had told Gwen all of Courtney's secrets, and they constantly laughed at her expense. Maybe they planned to spend the rest of their lives together, and get married too. Courtney wasn't sure about the accuracy of these notions, but she was forcing herself to summon the worst case scenario so there would be no surprises later.

So she had sat herself down on one of the seats, calmed herself down, and evaluated her situation through and through. And once she did, she was finally able to answer herself why she had cowardly walked away, in a manner so untypical of herself.

If she had walked in and confronted them in that moment, she didn't think she would have been able to control herself. It was too early, the subject was too green, her feelings too raw. Leaving had been a defense mechanism to keep her from making a fool out of herself. It hadn't been cowardice at all; it had been acknowledging she needed time to work out her feelings before facing the enemy. Tomorrow. I will deal with it… tomorrow.

After a while, Courtney looked up and wondered where the rest of her team was. First class was empty and dark; it was already night and all the lights were off.

Courtney curled up in a ball in her seat just like every other night and tried to sleep, but her thoughts wouldn't leave her alone. Her mind kept conjuring images and semi-dreams of the rest of the contestants –Geoff and Lindsay included- watching Gwen and Duncan kissing and clapping at them, and laughing at Courtney behind her back.

She would open her eyes suddenly and meet the silent plane section; stay awake for a while, then begin to doze off, the wake up suddenly after of one of those dreams. She knew in those moments that this night would prove to be interminable.

And all the while she was there, all she wanted to do was go down to economy class and confront Duncan. Every bone in her body was telling her to go after him, and she toyed with the things she would say to him, throwing them back and forth in her mind. She imagined what she'd say, what he'd say, his expressions, her reactions.

She knew exactly how it would go down. She would walk into economy class, face stony. Owen and Tyler would be with him, and they would stop talking and joking when they saw her come in. They would eye her wearily, because of course, they'd know everything that was going on. Duncan had turned serious, too.

Courtney would stop a few steps before them, looking at Duncan with her eyes made into scary slits like people said they got when she was angry. He would not flinch.

"How long," she would ask first, crossing her arms.

He held her gaze for a few seconds before looking down, rubbing his neck. He knew exactly what she was talking about. But he wouldn't say anything.

"How long have you been cheating on me with her?"

He just stared at her, and his expression betrayed nothing. This was one of the things he did that got to her the most, when he just shut himself off like the outside world had no effect on him, and she soon found herself becoming desperate. She willed herself to calm down before continuing.

"I don't care anymore, Duncan." She spat, rolling her eyes. "Just tell me how long you've been sneaking around with her."

He looked at her without a word for a long time. Then he emitted a long drawn-out sigh and rolled his eyes in a condescending gesture. "Why do you want me to tell you something that's only gonna hurt you?" He asked her slowly, as if savoring his words, and the complete carelessness in his eyes nearly broke her heart all over again.

At this, Owen, seeing the ominous fury growing in Courtney's eyes that Duncan, out of either boldness or recklessness, refused to acknowledge, quickly threw in an excuse about food and needing to do something in another part of the plane, and hurriedly exited the scene, with an equally apprehensive Tyler hot on his heels.

The door closed. Courtney regarded Duncan and started again. "You know what the worst thing is?" she asked, venom dripping from her every word. "That you lied to me in my face!" she spat, pointing at her face. "You lied!" her fists balled up as she searched for his evading eyes. "You laughed at me," she stalked up to him, and jabbed a finger in his chest. "in your head, every time you kissed me and you'd been with her!"

Her words echoed in the silent room. He sighed and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and down to the other side of the room, carefully avoiding going through her eyes. "Who told you anyway?" he finally asked in a languid tone. He didn't really care to know, he was just trying to buy time, trying his hardest to pretend he wasn't there and in that situation.

"Why does that even matter?" she screeched. Tears were stinging at the corner of her eyes now, but the utter carelessness in his eyes was keeping them from spilling over. "All you need to know right now is that I'm never forgiving you for this," she proclaimed, pointing a decisive finger at him. "So don't even try to apologize. Because I won't."

"Good! Wasn't planning on it!" he snapped, finally looking at her in the eye, and then turned to look outside the window, with his back to her.

She clenched her teeth and stalked away from him. Duncan almost thought she was leaving, but she stopped at the center of the room, arms crossed in a defensive manner, eyes furrowed shut and mouth clenched so as not to make any sound.

Once she regained her composure, she looked up and opened her eyes. She stared at the bars in the ceiling in silence for a while.

"All those times I asked you about her," she said, almost to herself, feeling her annoyance coming back. "The times I confronted you and her, UGH!" She nearly face-palmed, but that wasn't becoming. Her fists balled up instead.

She liked to think her words had some sort of effect on him, but he was turned to the window, and she didn't know if it was because he couldn't stand to look at her and the pain he had caused her, or because he was counting the seconds until she was done talking so he could go back to his Gwen. The thought made her see red.

"I suspected you and her for so long… and then," she continued in a shaky voice, fists tightened, and she could feel him getting tense as well, waiting for the ball to drop. But then, her eyes softened and so did her fists, "I stopped."

At this, he looked back at her. He clearly wasn't expecting that. She explained, "I stopped suspecting, and I started trusting you. And you," her tone turned hateful as she turned to him. "You had to wait until I trusted you, until I openedup to you," She was clenching and unclenching her fists, as if she would love to be closing them around his neck. "to let me know it was all a cheat, and you were… you were…" her voice got increasingly smaller, much to her chagrin. "YOU'RE THE WORST SCUM IN THE WORLD!" she screamed suddenly. "And we're over, I hope you know that."

She examined his face. She saw that after her tirade, he was looking at her straight in the eye with actual regret, and a tinge of pain –probably a reflection of her own. That was enough for the tears in her eyes to well up and roll down her cheeks.

She angrily wiped them away with her knuckles. She couldn't stand the silence, and spoke again, "How could you, Duncan?" her voice was choked, but it still got the deed done. "A-after everything!"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" he said sincerely, sounding like he was present for the first time. "I'm sorry it turned out like this."

"Then why did you do it?" she asked desperately. "To me, to us? Why when we were going so… well?" she choked out, looking up at him with glassy eyes, anticipating his answer.

And that was when the image became fuzzy. He opened his mouth to speak… and then everything vanished. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why he did what he did, and so that was where her speculations ended.

Of course, her daydreams-slash-actual dreams went further and longer than that, and more dramatic and more violent. But those were the most prominent scenes, the ones that stuck in her mind and didn't get lost after the second or third time she replayed them in her head.

And dreams after dreams after, she was still waiting for herself to get up and go down to economy class, face Duncan and demand answers. But logic and her pride won every time. She did not want to break down in front of him.

Maybe that was what was keeping her awake- the indecision. That, and the embarrassment.

She couldn't believe she had become so blind to not see this coming.

Because she had been blind all this time. It was the only explanation; while she was so in love, he had just been waiting for the right time to send her packing- she just couldn't see it. It had to be that, because not even he would do something like this because he was bored.

…Right?

Perhaps it was the classical fear of commitment; they had been together for almost a year, perhaps the relationship was getting too serious for him to handle. Or maybe he was trying to prove himself, keep up that wretched bad-boy image of his.

Or maybe, plain and simple, he had stopped liking for her.

But why? She honestly couldn't think of anything she had done to lose him that way. She had thought they were better than ever!

She just couldn't stop cursing the timing of it all. If only he had done this a few months ago, back when she hadn't yet decided to let herself love him so much, in a way so unrestrained, back when she was still wary of Gwen with Duncan and with her guard up high, this wouldn't have hurt so much.

Or maybe he had done this back then, and she was just finding out now.

Courtney shifted in her seat, the action shaking her from her semi-asleep state. These were the hopeless wonderings that kept her awake; the not knowing the reasons for him doing that was what desperated her. She couldn't get over it until she didn't make sense out of it.

But she had to get over it.

Come the next day, she had to face Duncan and Gwen, had to give them a piece of her mind, and she had to look like she was alright. She had to destroy Gwen's self-worth, and then tell Duncan off, and make it all look like it was effortless.

Courtney brought her knees up to her chest and breathed deeply in the empty plane section, trying her best not to break down and indulge herself in fantasies of Tomorrow never coming at all.

Hmm, I rather like this :9

~The Lighthouse