Chapter 20
A/N: Oh my God, I'm so sorry this chapter has taken so long to get posted. I have had quite a bit going on, as well as been suffering horrible writers block for half the summer. Doing and writing so many different things has made a mess of my brain, but hopefully I will be back more regularly now. This is the last chapter of Tainted Hearts, and I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I never would have thought this story would get the reception it has gotten when I started it twenty chapters ago. Thank you all so much! I have another ongoing story that I haven't updated in a while, as well as plans for a new one shot. I hope that some of you will follow and love those ones as well. :)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Law & Order SVU or any affiliated characters. Any additional characters or situations I've created are figments of my imagination intended to bear no resemblance to any actual persons. Any similarities are purely coincidental.
As I stand here in front of you looking into your eyes, I see all the struggle, pain, anger, hurt, and betrayal of the last few years. I wish so badly even still, that I could go back and change all of it, especially that of it that I myself inflicted, but I cannot. When I ponder it on a deeper level, as I often find myself doing, I realize that even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back. I couldn't bring back Raye-Anne, Ben, Mom, or take back my unjustified actions of infidelity. If I did, I would not know strength, or that loss could bring you to a point of self validation and reflection. I would never know the way a mother loves her son, and how full it makes her heart. I wouldn't know the power of forgiveness, and how one partner forgives another, even when maybe she doesn't deserve it. Most of all, I wouldn't have the privilege or honor of seeing the love pooled in the depths of your eyes when you look back at me, and knowing that it overpowers everything else that once was. By placing this ring on your finger, I promise that this commitment I make to you today will overpower all the world may throw at us to tear us apart. I always knew that we stood strong together, but our bond as wives and the foundation which we vow to stand upon from here on out will be indestructible.
Olivia stood in front of the younger woman, tears behind her eyes and threatening to fall at any second. The pain and struggle that the couple had endured had aged both of them, but Alex wore the affects of it on her face. Even so, she was just as beautiful as the day the detective had first laid eyes on her. In getting to know who Alex Cabot really was on the inside, going through what seemed to be the pits of hell and back losing their relationship then working hard as anything to reconstruct it, the brunette had gained a new understanding of what love really was. A private thing between two individuals, making them each better and stronger in its own way every day that they woke up next to each other. It was work, but work that she wouldn't ever mind doing. The payoff of a woman who believed in her, a son and a family unit was greater than any sacrifices either of them would have to make.
Alex. There are things that have happened in your life over the course of the last few years I've loved you, that shouldn't happen to anyone. No person should have to deal with what you have. You have made mistakes, but I have too. I have been impatient, hotheaded, stubborn, and in all my anger have failed to listen or see who you truly are. A woman with flaws, needing understanding, empathy, love and forgiveness. So often in my line of work I see people who need this, and readily give it to them, but then have come home and failed to give it to you. I used to say that I was married to my job. I am ready now to be married to you and our family, and I will put in every bit of work I need to in order to make our lives strong, positive and happy. I will love my work, but in a secondary position to loving you. I will love it in the sense that it provides for you and allows me to protect you. You have opened me up in a way that other people have been unable to. In knowing and loving you I have been able to understand my sexuality for what it is, and have acted upon my truth in a way that has made me undeniably happy. You have opened my eyes to the fact that I am stronger than I ever realized, and you've made me want to be better. I have a past that shapes me, but I know longer live with the weight of it on my shoulders. That is in big part because of you and the strength of this partnership. I vow to take as much weight for you as you have for me, balancing each other out forever.
Serena Benson sat watching from a distance as her only child vowed to love ADA Alex Cabot for the rest of her life. As she watched the ceremony unfold in front of her and the two ladies begin the ritual of placing wedding bands on each others fingers, she was grateful to be witnessing the moment, and even more grateful to a higher power that she was witnessing it through the eyes of a clean, sober addict in recovery, as opposed to one suffering in the pits of addiction. She had experienced a brief rough period where she'd dealt with relapse, but a short stay in the emergency room, her extensive time in rehab and the relationships with people she had forged there had given her the strength and the tools to cope in the outside world. She was now proud to say that she had years in recovery as opposed to months and was doing well living on her own outside of Sober Living arrangements. The most rewarding part of being clean and present in everyday life was the privilege of being a grandmother. Although Cooper wasn't biologically Olivia's, she never let people know it. Always referred to as her son, people never knew the difference and the ever-growing four and a half year old boy had called her Mama for almost as long as he'd been breathing.
The two ladies had done an outstanding job in parenting him and making him the polite, well rounded child he'd become. They always talked about his father and half sister, letting him know in a very age appropriate way that the world wasn't always roses; people made mistakes, and not everybody was meant to be your friend. All of this made Serena very proud and she knew when the time came that they'd find just as eloquent and delicate a way to explain the mistakes his grandma had made. It was evident to her that he would find out from someone the person she used to be and question it. It was also evident to her that however they put it, he would understand and probably love her no less than he did now. Even at four and a half, he was her best friend. In becoming clean, she had the ability to see the world around her in a fresh new way. She possessed a new zest for life and had a new set of eyes with which to watch her grandson grow up. She would always approach grand-parenthood with a little more seriousness than most, as she felt it was God's grace giving her a chance to start over. What she had put Olivia through was unthinkable, unacceptable and irreparable; Cooper was the blessing through which the Lord was granting her a do-over.
Alex, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to cherish in sickness and in health, for better or worse as long as you both shall live?
The blonde smiled a smile that reached her eyes.
I do.
Olivia, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to cherish in sickness and in health, for better or worse as long as you both shall live?
I sure do.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you partners in life. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mrs. Alexandra and Olivia Cabot. You may kiss the bride.
Even from a distance, the love between them was evident and palpable.
The atmosphere of the night once the ceremony was over was light, relaxed, carefree and happy. Alex and Olivia spent most of their time away from the rest of the crowds of people, dancing to the faint music of the band in the distance,wrapped up and lost in each other.
"This could not have been a more perfect day."
The blonde relaxed into the feeling of sweet, savoury lips ravaging the side of her neck while they swayed as one, back and forth.
"I so agree, Mrs. Cabot."
Olivia smiled. The sound of her wife saying her married name was one of the sweetest ones she thought she would ever hear. They'd had many a long discussion over which of them would change their name, if it would be hyphenated or if they'd simply keep their respective names. In the end, they'd come to a unanimous decision that Olivia would become a Cabot so that Cooper would have the last name of both parents.
"The only thing that could have made it better is if Raye and Mom were here to see it."
"I know baby. I wish I could bring them here for you." Olivia felt a sudden pang of guilt within the confines of her chest for being able to have her mother there while Alex hadn't been granted that privilege.
"Me too. If heaven weren't so far away, I'd love to just pack up and take Cooper and go for a whole day. Give him one chance to at least talk to his Dad and his sister."
"Aw, baby. They know about him, you know they do. Remember what the medium said?
A smile played upon the corners of her mouth, as her mind flashed back to a time she would never forget.
"I don't know how much I believe in this medium business Liv."
Neither of the two women were particularly religious, and although they had both become much more spiritual after the death of Raye Anne, Alex wasn't entirely sure she believed in any kind of afterlife at all. Any mediums she saw on tv late at night seemed to be expensive nonsensical scams. She did have a lawyers mind, but it didn't take one to know that many people would do anything for a quick buck.
"I know honey, but you need to relax. We've talked about this. Every one of them isn't like the ones you see on late night programming or infomercials. If she's no good, we'll chalk it up to an experience. Let's just try to see it as a positive thing, okay?"
Olivia had talked her into going to see a medium together as sort of a present to both of them. Even though Alex had expressed many times she was very much a skeptic when it came to anything to do with the afterlife, she often talked about wanting to have just one more chance to communicate with all of the loved ones she'd lost. Olivia had looked up a woman who seemed to be a very reputable medium just outside of Jersey, and convinced the younger woman to go with her. The detective had her doubts too and could be as cynical as anyone, but she figured it was something they could experience together and if it was a bust, they'd just laugh about it later.
The woman who stood in front of them was not what Alex had been expecting. She wasn't one of those women on tv who looked the like of a gypsy in colorful garb sitting in front of a crystal ball. Instead, she looked just like any other normal human being, her skin and hair dark like chocolate, and sporting Capri pants and a V-neck t-shirt that was form fitting to her figure.
The sound of yapping pulled her mind away from critiquing the middle aged woman before her, and she was quickly brought back to the present moment as said woman's gentle but firm voice put the animal in its place.
"Samson, that's enough."
Almost like a child that had been scolded, the dog's eyes suddenly possessed a sad and remorseful look, but he gave in to the demands of his master and tiptoed off into another room, no doubt to get away from the strangeness of people he'd never seen before being in his territory.
"I'm sorry about that. He's like that with everyone." Smiling warmly at the two women, she led them from the front entrance into the dining room.
"Welcome to my home. My name is Iyana. I do all my readings here, as it's a comfortable environment for me as well as my clients. I feel people are often much more receptive to spirit when they are somewhere that feels somewhat familiar to them. Shall we get started?"
The two ladies nodded wordlessly as she gestured for them to sit. They pulled out two chairs, sitting side by side and facing Iyana, waiting for her to begin whatever it was she was there to do.
"Have either of you been to a medium before?"
Both women shook their heads to indicate that they had not.
"We're both a little skeptical. Myself a lot more than she is."
Instead of trying to be pushy and overbearing like Alex had expected she would be, she was warm, genuine and easygoing.
"It's okay to be skeptical. Actually, many of my clients are not believers when they come to me. I don't try to make believers out of anybody. That's not my place. I was blessed enough to have a gift from a higher power to communicate with peoples' loved ones who are now angels on the other side. My goal is to deliver messages from them that they feel you need to hear at the time that you're in my presence. Sometimes these things can have a bit of a negative connotation, but they are usually always validation and answers that someone needs, and generally they're healing."
The blonde smiled. In her peripheral vision she could see Olivia slightly smiling too. There was something about her neither of them could put a finger on, but Alex really liked her and they hadn't even started.
"I felt a huge sense of loss as soon as you walked through my door, Alex. Am I correct in assuming you've lost a lot of people?"
She nodded. So far, what she was saying was pretty generic.
"There's a mother figure stepping forward, and she's telling me she wants to say she's sorry. You lost your mother? I'm not just sensing that you lost her, but I feel like you lost her in a tragic way, like you felt it was before it should have been. Would that be accurate?"
"Very much so."
"Did the two of you have unresolved issues before her passing? She's making me feel like she's not just sorry that she left you, but sorry that she was unable to fulfil her duties as a mother by being accepting of you, despite some of your choices."
"We did have issues."
The things that were being said up to this point could pretty well be applied to any Tom, Dick or Harry that walked in the door, and until she heard something specific, she was hesitant to believe Katherine was being channelled through this woman.
"She says I forgive you for the acts of betrayal against your girlfriend, and if there were to come a day where the two of you got married her soul will be with you embracing and accepting your love for each other."
"Are you for real?"
As much as her mother hadn't been quick to forgive in life, it was said that many people's spirits grew and changed on the other side. How could she have known about any betrayal, or that she was even gay or had a girlfriend, unless Olivia had told her?
"Did you tell her we were gay?"
The brunette wordlessly moved her head to indicate a negative.
As much as things still weren't a hundred percent specific, Alex was beginning to believe something was definitely going on within that dining room.
"Did you lose a daughter to a tragedy as well?"
"I did."
"She's telling me that she takes full responsibility for her passing and she's sorry for the pain it caused all of you. Did she take her own life?"
Olivia's mouth dropped open slightly.
"Oh my God."
"She did."
"She's telling me that her soul has grown on the other side, and that she's free and happy. Did either or both of you have something happen some time ago where you felt like one of you could very well have died, but you didn't?"
Olivia's mind instantly went back to the day she went to Alex's after work, and the blonde had told her about the mysterious phone call.
..."If you know what's good for you, you'll keep away from Benson."
"What? Some random number just called and said that to you?"
"I swear. It was really creepy."
"No doubt. It's probably nothing, love. If it happens again, we'll talk about it. Until then, I wouldn't stress."
But it wasn't nothing. It had happened again and again, over and over. Sometimes she would get calls from other random numbers saying the same thing, keep away from Benson. Other times, notes with the words "Bitches get theirs" and other derogatory things would be left on her door while she was out, or other places she would see them.
Eventually, seeing that Alex was becoming desperate for it all to stop, Olivia had suggested to her not to pick up the phone the next time a random number called. If they left a message, the detective would listen and see if she was able to distinguish who the perpetrator of all the harassment was by the voice on the other end.
"Like I said to you before, if you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from Benson. If you don't, you better watch every step you take, because I could make your life more hell than you'd ever dream of."
She'd come home from another long day at work and was tired beyond belief. Even so, her mind was still in detective mode and she would have recognized the voice on the message anywhere. Her stomach had flipped inside out with the realization that she'd trusted someone whose character she had severely misjudged.
"Holy shit."
The blonde looked more perplexed than Olivia had ever seen her.
"What? You know who it is?"
"You bet I do. I'm going over there right now. This has to stop."
Alex's stomach knotted at the thought of the only person she had left putting herself in any danger.
"Liv, please be careful. I love you."
Pulling up to Vianna's house, the brunette began to wonder if she'd made the right decision in going to confront her alone. Shaking her head as if to clear the mess from her brain, she regained confidence. There were people much worse she had had to handle every day at work, Vianna shouldn't have even been worrisome to her.
"What are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you, too." Olivia stood on the front stoop, staring into the face of a woman who was now much colder than she ever remembered her being.
"I wish I could say the same. Again, what are you doing here?"
"I think you know. Are you gonna let me inside so we can discuss this like adults, or do I have to force my way in?"
Wordlessly, the redhead stepped aside, granting her access into a place she'd been before but now looked so different. Vianna spoke her next words while making her way to the kitchen, and wanting to settle whatever issue the other woman had with her or her girlfriend, Olivia followed suit.
"Here to defend your little girlfriend, are we?" The snarl in her voice made goosebumps raise up on the detective's skin, and she was forced to speak with much more authority and confidence than she felt she had in the moment.
"Actually yes, we are. Who the hell do you think you are, calling her constantly and threatening her, telling her to keep away from me?! Leaving threatening notes everywhere when she's not around for her to see when she gets home?! What the fuck is your issue? You'd better back off, because I will stop at nothing to protect my family."
"I don't have an issue. How is it not so damn obvious to you!? I wanted you, Olivia! I wanted you and you didn't want me, and I don't take no for an answer."
"So you hurt the ones I love because I denied you something?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
Becoming angrier by the second, Olivia stepped closer to the other woman in an effort to intimidate her or get her to back down.
"Myself and the people I know are not ones you wanna mess with, honey. We protect perfect strangers from sick fucks like you every day, you really think we would stop at anything to do the exact same for our own families?"
An unsympathetic smirk tugged at the corners of Vianna's mouth.
"You can only protect them if you're still living, sweetheart."
Almost in one swift motion, never breaking eye contact with the detective, she'd grabbed the Chef's knife from its slot in the dock on the corner of the counter and the shiny blade was pointed in the older woman's direction before she had time to think.
"Do not even think about coming towards me with that knife. You don't wanna go there. You don't know who I know, babe. Put the knife down."
She took a few steps closer. "What if I don't?"
"PUT IT DOWN!"
"MAKE ME!"
Suddenly realizing that she'd left her weapon and handcuffs in the glove box of her car, she mentally chided herself. She had wondered if she'd been making the right decision going to the house to confront Vianna alone and not for the first time, she'd made a bad decision in conjunction with her duties as an enforcer of the law. Granted, she was off duty, but it didn't matter. In many states it was encouraged to carry off duty for the safety of officers and civilians alike. In New York City however, it wasn't only encouraged, but often required. In allowing her emotions to overpower logic, she'd put herself in unnecessary danger.
"Well, since you asked..."
Using the defense tactics she'd learned on the job for dealing with criminals and their misuse of weapons, she'd managed to "make" the other woman surrender her weapon after a struggle had ensued between them. Breathless, she attempted to compose herself while using the fact she had the weapon in her own hand as leverage against the other woman.
"You honestly thought I was gonna let you cut me? You think I'm that much of a wimp that I just go down without a fight?"
Vianna didn't speak.
"You're not so tough now, are you?"
Not wanting to leave her alone in the house with even seconds to think of getting another weapon to use against her, Olivia led her outside and cuffed her by her car for safety purposes and called for an on duty officer to come assist in the actual arrest. Time had gone by at the same speed as always that night, but it seemed a lifetime's worth of events had passed.
"Stabler."
"El, it's me. Are you working?"
"I am, but it's slow. Why?"
"I need you. I'm off duty and just put someone in cuffs for my own safety. I had a knife pulled on me."
"Christ. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's a long story."
"I'll be there soon."
"Okay. El?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't hate me, do you?"
"No, Olivia, I don't hate you. We'll talk later."
She gave him Vianna's address and hung up, hoping he wouldn't take too long to get there. Despite everything they had gone through in their personal lives, and how much both their personal and professional relationships had changed, she hadn't requested that Cragen assign her a new partner. Mistakes were made in life, but they didn't always have to destroy everything.
Elliot had gotten there even quicker than she'd expected he would, and when he did, there was no hint that they'd ever even had any awkward history between them. Sometimes he was really good at that, hiding his emotions, tucking them away for the sake of his job. Even if they weren't together anymore, even through the times she laid awake at night hating herself for the way she'd allowed things to transpire between the two of them, she knew that he would stop at nothing to protect her.
Walking up to his partner while taking in the redhead next to her car, hands cuffed behind her back, he smiled a weak smile.
"Hey. You sure you're okay?"
It was the smallest of smiles, but it didn't go unnoticed, nor did the concern she detected in his words.
"Yeah, she didn't actually cut me. But the intent was there. I had forgotten my weapon and cuffs in my car, but I managed to wrestle the knife from her and get her out here where I could cuff her til you came. I'm surprised the knife didn't slip and cut me while I tried to get it from her. She put up an awful fight."
A look that bore striking resemblance to that of a child having swallowed something sour crossed Vianna's face as she stood there motionless, feeling the cuffs dig mercilessly into the skin of her wrists. She loved how the two detectives were discussing her as if she weren't even there.
"You're damn right I did! That bitch deserves way more than I was able to do to her, too!"
Olivia wasn't typically one to be fearful of the people she came into contact with during her working hours, but Vianna and her demeanour struck a chord with the brunette, and the way the redhead's voice sounded to her now made her skin crawl with disgust at herself. Having worked so hard to rebuild a life with Alex, and the fact that they now both had a child to protect, caused her to be even harder on herself over the fact her judgement of this woman's character had been severely misguided.
Elliot's voice, calm but stern, pulled her out of her own head and momentarily halted her self loathing.
"You really gotta stop thinking with your heart before your head, Liv. That doesn't always pay in this profession. You should always have what you need on you. You're lucky you didn't get more seriously injured, or the fact that you weren't carrying may have been more of a problem."
"I know. I just hate myself so much for having misjudged her character. To think that I let this woman into my life as a close friend, told her things I wouldn't tell other people, trusted her, it makes me sick. She wanted more than I did out of our relationship, and decided to harass Alex and come after me tonight because I denied her what she wanted."
He looked at her, incredulous.
"Wait, that's who this is? This is that Vianna? The one you hung out with so much when you and Alex were separated?"
He didn't know much about the details of how their friendship had come about, and she hadn't told him about the fact that Vianna wanted her as more than a friend until now. She'd merely told him that she was someone that got her mind off of her then broken relationship and they spent a lot of time together. At the time, he'd been glad she'd found a friend she'd felt she could confide in. Lord knew Olivia didn't easily trust many.
"The one and only." A tight smile showed itself on her lips as Elliot let out a long, slow breath.
"Jesus."
He paused for a moment, choosing his next words carefully. Tonight, of all nights, was not the time to say the wrong thing.
"Don't beat yourself up too badly. We all have our times when we misjudge people. We all wish certain people would be the fantasy we've made them out to be in our brain. Some misjudgement of people can lead to dire consequences, for sure, but I think we can both be glad, thankful, that it didn't in this case."
She cast her gaze downward, not wanting to lock with his. Strangely, though she didn't smoke, in this instant she wished she had a cigarette. Anything to take her mind off its own thoughts.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
A pregnant pause wedged its way between them once again, before she felt the question that nagged the innermost parts of her psyche bring itself to life and slowly release from her lips.
"Did you wish that, with me?"
"What?" He wasn't sure anymore what they'd been talking about. It was as though the long pauses had muddled everything together in his mind, and he was forced to decipher what was now nonsense.
"Did you wish that I could have been the fantasy you made me out to be in your mind? Do you feel like you misjudged my character?"
The question wasn't an easy one to answer, but he pondered it carefully, letting it roll over and over in his head before deciding on an answer he believed rung clear and true.
"I wouldn't wish you to be anybody but yourself, because that's who I fell in love with. That's who I wanted, who I sometimes still find myself wanting. Do I think I misjudged you? No, I just think that there are parts of who you are that I didn't realize then I don't like very much. I just try to tell myself that it's better off the way it is. If I think too much about what was or what could have been, I don't like where those thoughts start to go. No matter what though, I wish the best for you. You know that, I hope."
None of what he'd said, she felt, required a verbal answer. With a simple nod of the head, she followed him back toward her car, hoping that he'd find this bitch had priors on her record that coupled with her current offence would put her away for a long, long time.
As she came back to the present moment, sitting next to Alex at Iyana's round wooden table, she thought that she would be met with looks of irritation and frustration, but instead was only met with a smile that radiated warmth, and eyes that exuded patience, understanding and kindness.
"You wandered off a minute, there, Olivia."
Laughter was evident in the undertones of her voice.
"I'm sorry. I was caught up in remembering."
"Isn't that a wonderful feeling?"
Alex had been quiet beside her for the duration of the time spent in Iyana's dining room, as well as for the duration of her memory. Before she could offer up a response to the wonderfulness of remembrance, the blonde did so for her.
"Sometimes. I mean, positive memories are wonderful, but I often now find myself caught up in things I'd rather forget."
"Did you forget how much your daughter's presence was with Olivia that night?"
"What?"
"The night that she could have died, but didn't. The reason she didn't, was because your daughter was with her. The whole time Olivia has been sitting there remembering, she has been telling me things that you both need to hear. No doubt something similar to what Olivia was just thinking about. She said to me that the details of that night are not important, but that she was there. That she always protects you, Olivia. That she knows about Cooper, and protects him too."
Alex sat there frozen at the mention of Cooper's name. She was stunned by the simple fact that this woman knew the name of her youngest child without her even having said anything about him. Since his birth, she had always wondered if Raye knew he existed. Now, through this miraculously gifted woman she'd never previously met, she had her answer. She couldn't help but now sit and wonder that if every time he'd gotten sick or something happened that could potentially have been disastrous, if it was Raye Anne guiding him safely through it.
"Do either of you have a keepsake or necklace that has some significance in relation to your daughter?"
"Oh my God."
The look on her girlfriend's face told Olivia Alex knew something she didn't.
"What?"
"I gave her this necklace, when she was really little, and for the longest time she never took it off." Taking a moment to collect herself, she continued more to Iyana than Olivia.
"One day, I don't know what she'd been doing, running or playing or something, and I guess she noticed the necklace was gone. She came to me upset, saying 'Mommy, I lost it.' We couldn't find it anywhere. I searched forever and eventually we gave up, thinking we'd never find it. Just a little while ago I was outside in the yard and found it. Just like that. Out of nowhere. All the years it had been gone and it seemed to have just aspirated in front of me in the dirt. So I picked it up and brought it inside to put away. A couple of days before we came here to see you, I said out loud to nobody in particular, "If this is real, mention the necklace, and I'll know it's you. I'll know she's channelling your spirit."
Tears welled up in Olivia's eyes as she heard the blonde recount the story. She hadn't even known about the necklace, or that Alex had found it. It had been something she'd kept to herself, and something that now would no doubt have her believing in mediums. At least in Iyana.
Iyana sat and waited a moment, allowing both ladies to collect themselves before asking or saying anything else. When she felt they were ready, she posed a question, having to do with one more person she felt Alex had lost.
"Do you know somebody named Ben?"
In less than ten seconds, the mention of one sentence, it all came back. How much she had grown to love him, how much that love had caused her to lose, what it had done to Olivia.
"He's my ex boyfriend."
"He's making me feel like there's something wrong with the love the two of you had. Like it shouldn't have happened. Did it occur behind someone else's back?"
"Mine," Olivia piped up, not wanting to disturb the amazing moments, but also wanting, needing to be honest. "She was unfaithful to me, with Ben."
"Is he Cooper's father?"
"Yes."
"He smiled and said that he knows Cooper looks like him. That you don't have to worry about him never having met him because he sees him every day. He's around you. And he tells me that his soul has been reborn into your son."
"I knew it. The older he gets, the more things he learns, I see his Dad in all of it."
Iyana smiled a small smile, and continued the message Ben evidently needed to finish.
"He wants me to tell you, he's sorry." She said, looking at Olivia and noticing the shocked expression on her face. "He knows what Alex did was wrong, but acknowledges it was his fault too. And he wants the two of you to know that he wants you to be happy and okay without him. That he's not suffering anymore, and he doesn't want you two to suffer either."
Alex thought back to the dream she'd had when Melinda had stayed with her, and come rushing into her room at the sound of her screams. She thought of how he'd told her he'd suffered, but in the moments he needed to be numb, thoughts of her had numbed him. She remembered asking about her mother, and him saying he couldn't speak for her. The last thing she recalled him saying to her in a dream that had felt so real she sometimes mistook it for reality, was that suffering didn't last forever. She had heard from her mother, just like he had said she would, he and Raye and Katherine had made known to the medium sitting across from her, things that only they could tell her. She wondered for a fleeting second if Iyana knew about the dream she'd had of Ben, and had conveyed it without really having said so.
"Look Mama, look!"
Alex and Olivia were standing close together, never having stopped swaying, as if time were frozen and holding the two of them oblivious to the things that surrounded them. Many people may have said they should have been more social given the fact it was their wedding, but they didn't care. Their love of being lost in each other, stealing kisses and not caring what people said, did or thought, outweighed everything. They stayed in pretty much the same spot the entire reception, the only difference being four-and-a-half year old Cooper now joining them, attempting to get Olivia's undivided attention, and not having to try very hard.
"What, baby?" She looked down at him, then back up in the direction his chubby finger pointed.
"The sky! So pretty!"
His enthusiasm for something so simple as the color of the sky, on a day so special as this one, made her smile. The sun was setting and the horizon was a shade of pinky orange, meshed together in some places, making a beautiful color that Olivia couldn't actually name, and a more than fitting backdrop to their wedding reception and their love for each other.
"Yeah, pretty color, hmmm?"
He nodded his head, then in the way that four-and-a-half year olds so often do, followed an act of simplicity with a complicated question.
"What's that color called?"
She thought about it for a minute, wanting to satisfy his hunger for a more than mediocre answer, but failed to come up with one that would suffice so answered his question with a question.
"I'm not sure it has a name. It's a pretty special color. What do you think we should call it?"
Without missing a beat, he smiled his wide smile, identical to that of his father's, and answered her question better than she ever could have answered his.
"Raye."
Both of them smiled down at the perfection that the young boy so embodied, and knew she was with them in that moment. An aura of light and love surrounding their family, Alex knew that this do over she'd been so graciously granted would be different. She wouldn't make the same mistakes twice. Raye wouldn't allow it, and her memory would never die.
She thought for a moment of the Buddhists, and their idea that life was suffering, and we all had to suffer to grow. But as we grow, we learn and we change, and she looked from Olivia to Cooper to the pinks and oranges in the sky, and knew that suffering didn't last forever.